A Little Fosse

 

  All of my kids and grans were here for a spell. Chaos and sticky hands, massive gab fests, a clutter of fun, and happiness. There are no words to describe how lucky I am. Maybe, favored, or blessed, would suffice. They are all so different, and yet you can see the sameness, running through these Baron Kids. I love to watch their interactions, and hear their stories, all told with a different flair. The holiday was hot and holy! But.....(but is always waiting in the wings) our Ward was not with us. Yet he was the main topic of conversation on many of the days. Yes I have five children, and forever we will feel a large loss. Certainly how we live, and continue to tell his story, keeps him in the loop of fun, and our hearts beating.
     This book I am reading, which is super sad, but the most true grief book, I have ever read. I started after everyone left. Don't ask me why, I knew I wanted to read it, but...(there it is again) maybe the house being so quiet, was not the greatest time. Honestly there is no great time for grief reflection, you just have to jump in.
   ONCE MORE WE SAW STARS by someone with the last name Greene ( first name is covered up by a check mark on my Kindle, you can find it.)
   I think this person knows my insides, my pain, my loss. It is very hard to read, at times, but also beautiful. Grief can be both. He writes that the death of his daughter, Greta, was like he was evaporating, or burning up on contact. A penny slipping under dark water. You are flooded and need new instructions on how to breathe on this new planet. They did not get much time together, is there ever enough time. I miss my daddy, something horrible, and his body was very ready to leave this earth. It is just so hard. Losing a child, is not even in anyone's brain, on how to survive. This story for this family, this author is real. Life is real, we learn to live with sadness. We all do, in some form or another. I think everyone should read grief books. Mr. Greene thinks about how the real pain is not the mangled leg, its the way the bones are set. Maybe you know someone who needs this book, or maybe you need to be reminded of what others are going through. I don't really know, I just read and share with you my thoughts. This book takes my breathe away, and causing me to breathe with calmness.
     Now full circle tilt, all I need is a little Fosse.
 The series on the telly, Fosse and Verdon, brought me so much happiness that is pouring out of my body to this page. They are my Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. He was brilliant. Every hand move, foot move, I had to stand up in the den!! and hold my chest. I danced and sang, and watched his every move. I am flexing my feet right now, to almost a toe position!! I wish you could see it!! My Jazz hands are terrible, but I try. The turn of his head, his hat, his small body, he was Bobby Fosse, the best. Did GwenVerdon, help make him? I like to think so, she was molded by him and put up with him for her entire life. He was a dope addict, a drunk, a womanizer, and the best dancer and choreographer, and director, and writer. I often think, sometimes, you can not have one without the other, and that is a shame. Each night I would go to bed, practicing all my singing and dance moves. The hubs who was many hours asleep by then, would ask, "What are you doing?"  I would whisper, " ALL that Jazz!! Sweet Charity! Cabaret!! Chicago! I am learning from the best!" and would end with a jazz hand, very near his head!! As with grief, sometimes there are no words for brilliant happy dance moves and musical theater!!!

     I truly am so happy, and I hope that you can grab some of it. I send it your way, with a tip of my hat, and best Fosse moves I can muster!! Enjoy your family, and grab a book, and all that Jazz!!!

You Are My Story and Next In Line!!!!

    Mothers Day was yesterday, and I am reminded,You Are My Story.
My life is full of so many stories, because of five children and three grandchildren. Every word you all say, and your actions carry a part of me with you. Be kind, think before you vote, work hard, never stop learning ( education never stops), play hard, but not always enhanced with additives, there is a God, look around you, research, take care of the planet, listen to music, drive slow ( where do you have to go fast??no where) Children and elderly take the patience of Job, breathe and pray, learn to meditate, prayer beads work, remember the baby in the manger, love all people, love yourself most of all, so you can do all of the above things!!!! I love you, leave the world better, and don't think I will not know!! I can read your every thought and eye roll, YOU ARE MY STORY!!! make it a good one.

Also forever remember your father is awesome.
Dr. Bill knows I have a need to love many people, sometimes in extreme crush worthy phases.
Always have, always will. I enjoy it that he knows me so well, its important.
We were watching early rounds of tennis from Madrid last week, and he reminded me when my love, Nadal was playing. Before he played there were two very young men playing, singles, and I just chilled and watched a tad. He let a few minutes pass, and asked me ( broke my concentration) "Who is Next in Line Bonnie? " I sharply turned my head, " You mean to take the place of my Nadal?" The hubs shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. I looked at the TV again, " Well, thank you for always thinking of me, you know I like to have replacement people near, when my hero's age or die (Game of Thrones)" " I like this Tsitsipas, he is twenty and his extremities are nice!! ( I take these things seriously) He is Greek, that is a change, yes I think it will be him." ( The other young man,was too tall and lanky, not a good tennis future, my horse whisperer skills come in handy for so many things)
  Sure enough Nadal lost, on clay courts, and guess who beat him!! I thanked my Bill again, my transfer of love was already happening and it will not be such a shock to my system when Nadal, runs off to Barcelona for a big vacay.
Having the right partner in life, is another part of my story, for sure.
 Those were my main thoughts but two little pearls remain.
   1. Hilton Head, and Jacksonville, back to back, left my natural curly hair in a humidity summer mess!! I go to my hair person, and she begins to tell me, I have dread locks in the back of my hair!!! I scream, I am so excited, I have wanted dread locks all my life!! I told her, lets do the rest!! She continue to brush, and told me no. Another time, and I am going to keep them!! Dena, its happening!!!
   2. I only want to see musicals, and sweet family stories on TV. Mitch Miller, Lawrence Welk, Andy Williams, and Ozzie and Harriet. Game of Thrones has messed me UP!!! Eight or nine, seasons of horror, and passion and confusion. It IS a TV show, and after last night, I could not sleep, I had so much tension in my neck and shoulders!! I thought about waking Bill up, I thought maybe an ER visit was in the cards, but I could not think how I was going to explain why I needed anti anxiety meds or muscle relaxers to the ER people!!! Maybe if I just went in, hunched over in agony, and said, " All the Starks are left, and my queen went ape shit crazy!" will they know?? I do love The Starks, and I think Jon Snow is a Stark, they did not have DNA back in the day!! Oh my gracious, I have to rest for next weeks finale, and comb the cabinets for any left over Valley of the Dolls, to be on the ready!!
  I need Lassie and Bonanza back, my TV nerves are shot to hell!! Hallmark here I come.
  It cool here in Atlanta, its May all month, enjoy each second of each day.
  Love, does it win on Game of Thrones, Geez, I just can not let it Go!!!!

Just Sit

   Having just returned from sitting with my mom for six days, I felt the need to sit some more.
    Not only sit but read a book called, Just Sit!!
    You see I have been going through a lot of feelings lately. More than my average chaos. 
 My brother and father both died, within a few months of each other, and we are broken. 
 Not beyond repair, but Thomas Wolfe did say, "You can't go home again." and I think he may be onto something.
  We can adapt, we have the power of resilience, self-protecting, self-healing, UNLESS...
  Well there is the word, unless you are old and tired, unhealthy, your mind is off center, or unless the event was shattering ( thank you Thomas and Pat Conroy)
  There is no Home at Last, with siblings gone, or a parent gone. Even if the house, is not the house you grew up in, its changed. Our family is changed, and where do we go now?
   I told mom last week, she is very lucky that she has a child that likes to read for hours, and sit and talk for the other hours. I sat in daddy's chair, it fit me like a worn out glove. In the wee hours of the morning, mom and I discussed our early life, from childbirth, to measles, to having periods, to, did dad every cook or go to the store, church, Gene Autry, golf, football, relatives, food, mental illness, grief and depression and how strong women run in our family!! Then she would rest. I sat there looking at her, with a big sigh. Waited for her to rally and bathe, which is a big process. Then we would talk about food, and how important it is to eat, and before I left she was eating pretty good. I told her to 'throw down' some Snickers, she needs calories, even bad ones!! We ate delicious apples, and she peeled them, like when I was little. I told her I like the peeling, she said, she chokes on it. We have come full circle, I think. Mary mom, wants to stay in her home, and I understand, but that reality is not looking good. Grief has hold of her now, and I don't think she has the strength or time, to conquer that beast. You really never do, but you do learn how to live, at 87, mom doesn't want to learn anything new right now. She thinks smoothies are for hippies!! will not try them, come hell or high water!! My brother changed her computer to Google Chrome, and she is almost!!! ready to call it a day!! The cliff edge is looking pretty good to her precious self. 
  I asked her if she wanted to die, and she said not really, No. She has lived a life of serving others, and most of the others are gone. She is a victim of her geography, and place in time. Only wanted to be a mother and wife, and the best one ever. I told her she did all of that, and well, she does not hear me, she is empty.
    So we sat and talked and listened, and were quiet, for six days. I will say, that we also laughed like hyenas, its in our DNA. We are funny people, we are story tellers, we are strong mom.
    One of my cousins, that we has not seen in almost 38 years was at dads, memorial service, Dana Bunn. She said after sitting a spell, " Bonnie, you remember everything!!" I am The Rememberer, good, bad and all the space in between. So I write, and sit and think , and know my mom will be OK. Now Benjie and I, God only knows!!! and she aint talking!!!
We both look at each other, and say, " Can we do this?" " This loss stuff, is horrible and we have questions!!!"
   I remind him, that mom has a Hot Line to Jesus, and all his helpers, surely we can go in on the hem of her dress, for some help!! I love you B.
   Now back to the title, I was driving to the Dollar Store, which was very fun, I don't remember going in hundreds of years. I needed many balls for my Wyatt to throw all over the back yard, you can never have too many. Anyhow, a car rode my bumper for a long time,you know I drive like I talk, slow and long!!! Finally they whizzed past me, and I yelled, " You are nothing but Bitches and Jackasses!!" and I laughed out loud. One of my all time favorite students gave us that phrase for the ages!!! I decided, I needed to sit, when I got home, and meditate!! BUT instead I started a new book about meditation called, Just Sit  !!
Which may be my new life mantra, Be still and know.
    Just sit, and be calm
    Pray without ceasing
    Love wins, if the Bitches and Jackasses stay out of the way!! ( I know, I have work to do)
( don't we all?!)

Do What Got You Invited-Tupac

     I love the titles to my blog, as much as the process of writing the blogs.
     Often, the two don't connect the dots.
     That even makes me happier.
     This is one of those times.

     People ask, " What can I do, How do I respond to each situation?" Tupac said it all, " What got you invited to the party, to the conversation, into someones life, keep it up." It takes work, it also takes work to let go, choices are ours.
    Which leads me to my last book I read.
    The Book of Help:A Memoir in Remedies by Megan Griswold
    After a few pages, I thought, this will not be for everyone. Yet, that is just my opinion, I need to have more confidence in people!! Yikes, people can be horrible, they need this book. Those are just the people that don't read or care, shameful. I will read for you, and continue my journey to be better in love, connection and peace of mind. I do not know how to explain this woman's travels, well maybe, with telling you that at 7 she asked Santa for a Mantra! Six continents later, her narrative is pretty special. Here below are some of my highlighted jewels.
      1. And this particular log is informed by my affinity for the edges of the bell curve, not the middle!!!! ( she is talking to me and maybe you?)
      2.stories that are most private, the most embarrassing, the most cringeworthy, the most taboo, the most-how can I say??? ( if you write, you have to be open, or why write??) ( also note that I do highlight in mid sentences, so they do not always start with a capital letter) ( and they again, some people begin a sentence with a capital And!) ( all good)
      3. my verbal incontinence ( no filters!! another way to say it?)
      4. The mind creates the abyss but the heart crosses it. ( Lord Jesus)
     5. ( yes my numbers get crooked) ( Overlook) We picked this boat, But neither the waters nor the weather can ever be predicted.
     6. when any of us has a problem, the best we can do is never look for anyone else to fix it.
     7. Her door had always closed more tightly than mine. I wasn't sure I even had a door.
     8.I chose hair spray as my bedside weapon for the eyeballs, and jacks on the floor for the toes to slow. ( I did this my entire life, sometimes, I would use thumbtacks on the floor, and take a yard stick as a slant, for the monster to run into so it would wake me!! When you read that another person, shared your extreme fears!! you feel comforted and know that you both have seen many shrinks!!!)
     9. I seem to like to worry, then criticize myself, then worry some more  ( I wish that was not me also)
     10. I have held her pain. ( Oh my goodness, I hold every mothers pain from losing a child) ( I can not hold my mothers pain of losing her husband, but I share the pain with my brother, after daddy left us)
     11. To wash out the anger, she says, fall in love. Be in love with a peach!!! ( Joy for no reason, for sure it is in produce !)
     12. He smiles at me with sorrow at his edges
     13. Sometimes people need a story more than food to stay alive
Protection, Nourishment, Comfort. In the end, it's not that complicated.(her words)
    Leave the world a better place ( my words) You have been invited to the party, act nice, do good, at least try. I wake up each morning and the first thing I say, " Lord please make me an instrument of peace, and take the cymbals I am clanging out of my hands!!"
     B. ( the photo for this blog?? Anytime I can use The Beatles for a photo op, its happening!! well, the word Help was in the title of book, and album cover!" ( You know by now I do not need a reason!")

Happy, Happy Birthday Barbie

   Yesterday I saw where Doris Day was either 95 or 97 ( I read fast! facts may blur), I swallowed hard. I so wanted to look like her, when I was very young. Grandmother and I saw all of her movies, before I wanted to be Ann Margaret in Viva Las Vegas!!
   I had to explain my gasp to the doctor in the house, when he asked what was wrong with me.
   Doris Day is very old, I began to explain. She was on my list of idols growing up. I think Dr. B. said something like I may have a pretty long list!! I can not help that I have loved and do love, many people!!
   Astronauts, singers, movie stars, politicians, smart people, interesting humans and not so humans, YES even dolls!!! I have loved them all.
   A couple of weeks back, I found out that Barbie was 60!!
   As a family, we did not have much money, but at around 8 or 9ish, I got one for my birthday.
   She was beautiful, and single. It would be many years before Ken came into our lives. I did not love her bangs, so I worked on them for a few years, until I would get them straight. I also worked on Ken's hair not knowing, it was just painted on, fuzz. Needless to say he remained bald early on, and his private area looked funny, I was never a fan of his. I think he only let him drive the Barbie car around.
   Barbie came with her black and white strapless swimsuit and some boobies, earrings and RED lipstick!! Clothes would come later, and few of them. I collected these things for years. When I had real babies, we all had new barbies that were friends with GIJoe. ( Hart loved his dolls!!) ( I told him they would make him a good daddy!) ( and I was right!!)
   Several years back, I decided to sell the hundreds of dolls at a garage sale. I kept the Barbies near me, in case they needed to come back inside after the sale. At the very end, a little girl came and asked how much one was, and you know I had no clue. She looked ragged and maybe a little hungry. I asked her if she loved the doll, and she nodded her head, I told her she could have them all, clothes, sunglasses and heels included!!! Off they went, to another generation of love. She is 60 now, and I hope she is having a many big birthdays all over the place. I know in my heart, she is still young and darling looking. Maybe now she is president of some company, a doctor, mommy, teacher, cab driver, whatever she wishes to be. I guarantee that swimsuit, is folded up in some drawer, reminding her of days gone by. Another one of my favorites, thank you so much mom and dad, for finding the money for my Barbie, and knowing that I would love her forever. Thank you for making that three tiered bed for me to put my dolls to sleep next to me for MANY years!! I still think about my Bride doll, and her legs would not bend!! That was a huge flaw!! Her name was Mary.( therapy session number one) and Sunshine, the red- headed doll with the suitcase full of clothes, that one of your friends made. She was always so cute. So many dolls to love, as Bill says, my list of love is long!!
     I remind him, to remember he remains on that list! Right now, he is not even with Dr. Kildare, so he has work to do!!
     Hope you all have many things to love and love you back.
     Later
     Bonnie

 

"Big Yellow Taxi" by Joni Mitchell

   I have come to realize that I communicate in, song lyrics, movie quotes, books that I have read, poetry, plays!! My entire life is wrapped up in other peoples words and its a wonderful thing.
   This week, I must have seen or listened to( probably both) Joni Mitchell.
   Her lyrics are so timeless, I felt like screaming, " They Paved Paradise, damnit!!" ( OK, I often throw in a few original thought words!)
    There are floods and cyclones, all over the place. No one is concerned about the climate change?
Green slime all over Florida, pollen counts high enough to wear masks!
    We have paved paradise and put up a parking lot, plastics are our oceans. Its insanity to me.
    Just this week, a part of Atlanta for the past three decades have voted "No" on the transit system.
All of Europe has trains, subways, electric bicycles. We have to stop driving cars so much. Pay a little extra taxes for your planet, look at the big picture. Do your part, even a little.
   I have a fair carbon footprint, until it comes to paper napkins!! I like about 10 at a time. I think it is an OCD thing, not sure, not that it matters!! We all like labels these days!!
    I am aware of this foolish behavior, and probably working on it as I type. ( although there is a used napkin next to the computer, I think I carried it from breakfast!" ( Lord)
   I may also take really good napkins, (texture thing) for my purse and car, from a few restaurants.
   I have got to stop! as Joni would tell me, " They took all the trees
                                                                     and put them in a tree museum
                                                                         Then they charged the people
                                                                     A dollar and a half to see 'em"
   Do better, when we know better-Maya Angelou. We know better.
    Joni told us, "Hey farmer, farmer
                        Put away the DDT
                          Give me spots on my apples
                        But leave me the birds and the bees
                           Please!
   She was telling us years ago, with her songbird voice, look around you! Be a part of the solution.
   Make a difference, maybe in the way you vote.
   The way you live and work, and play.
    Climate change is real, the science proves it, and if you don't believe in science, they have doctors for you to see. But then, doctors are scientist, maybe you don't believe in them either.
    How we treat our planet, is how we treat each other.
    Be kind and gentle, and smart.
    Happy Saturday, on this beautiful day, in Atlanta GA. I wish I were at the beach, but spring in Atlanta is pretty sweet.Wherever you feet land, celebrate life.
    and crank up some Joni this morning.
 
                                                 

Its Colder Than A Witches Tit!!

What does that mean? A tit could be a vulgar use of a word, to describe a breast!? or a Bird, and I think a small amount of information!!( or is that a tat??) ( I refuse to look it up again!!) ( just hang with me for a few!!) ( before you correct me!!) ( and does it matter??)
   I am using it like in the vulgar term!! However, I do not think tit is vulgar!! It sounds tiny and pointed!! maybe that is why witches have tits!!?? But cold as.....a witches tit......are witches cold? Satan is hot, witches burned at the stake, that is hot!! A cold tit (and in bold print), well....I do know a well diggers ass is cold, and self explanatory. So you get the picture, March has roared in with rain, and a cold snap!! I hope it will be a short one, but its here and my mood is icy!! Beware the Ides!!( remind me to tell you one day about doing The Ides of March play for ESOL kids at school, and Luke was our Caesar.!) ( Covered in sheet, and snoring!!) ( what better way to learn English!!) ( I loved my students and teachers!!)
    Now you can see, what cold weather does to me, my brain is a rambling jello mold!!
    Back to my blog.
    Reading the book, Educated or Uneducated, I have forgotten the title, but it is awesome. Let me go look for the title.I am back. Its  Educated by Tara West Over.  A good one, for all you readers out there.
  Also have  The Lost Prince by Michael Mewshaw on the kindle for next.
  Continue to read Diana Athill books, all of them, very interesting human.
  OK, that is my literary contribution put out into the world.
  Now for quotes that caused me to pause, write down, and laugh like a hyena!
 " When is it ever OK to bring a bone saw to a negotiation?" may be the best line I have ever heard. You should know the story from whence it came. I think the bone saw, could be used for anything used at a negotiation or conversation, that is a deal breaker or lethal blow!! And it is not funny but....hysterical...red flags speak to you!!!
    " I am not Deepak Chopra!" heard while watching Sex and The City!! I am stealing all of these lines for future use, and use right now!! So quick, these little nuggets.
   And the last one over the weekend, while watching a college basketball game. An announcer was talking about the coach getting a technical foul, and he said, " I know what drew the ire, for that foul!!" WHAT, drew the ire, had to google that pearl!! and you will too, research is good for a cold day in March. ( loosely means, cause for the outburst of bad behavior, what caused the anger!!)
  Words and how they are used, from a tit, to an ire, use them wisely.
  Never stop learning, English or in other languages, the flow of your thoughts, put down on paper.
  Good grammar may help, but its the flow , and words that changes everything.
  Have a wonderful day, stay warm, and if you live in a warm city, be quiet!! I am in a mood, and Deepak Chopra can not help!!
   My mom is doing pretty good, for those who ask. All the women in our family are pretty darn awesome. Browns, Blackmans, Talbots, Hartleys, ( dont know the Williams side) Smart, strong and I think, the Best!!!
   I miss daddy, everyday.
   I miss Ward every second.
   I miss Trudy and Tommy more than they could possibly know.
  Life is often cold, but we have the power to warm the day.