I would like to let you know, that I have never, NEVER sat at my laptop and it worked. Either some hands have touched it, updated some crazy stuff, or I don't know the answer. I just want to write and often, can not. The hubs is the only person here to fix things, and he just wants to do it, not teach me. He found my blog this morning, even he doesn't know where it was, and by then my sweet disposition has gone away.
So I am giving you far warning, words from my mouth may be tinted in angst.
I pre-write a lot of my thoughts, but when there has been a giant pause, like all of May, it is a hot mess to gather and connect any dots. Hang On!!
I lost a friend to Covid in May, and it crushed my heart. We lost our dog, Lucy in May, to which I will never recover. Mom has had good and bad days, and I am not sure which side is winning. I just want her to be OK, whatever that means. My brother, Benjie, has had a horrendous month with Atrial Fib, and ablation, and still having episodes. He is my only sibling left, and my best friend, all stress stores in my neck, so as of this point, I can not turn my head!!! So I look for Small Victories as per Anne LaMott.
The mail is still exciting for my mother, and I have that DNA. I love getting sweet, unexpected things, cards, letter in the snail mail. Small treasures, waiting for opening.
During May I received a letter, from Saint Paul, Minnesota. I pride myself with knowing friends all over the states and abroad, so I have a built in place to rest my head. BUT...I told Bill, hubs, before I opened, that I know no one, from this state. Knew someone with the last name, but not the first on the return address label. No clue, so my heart was full when I read. It was a thank you from the daughter of Grace Dawkins, my friend from when I first got married and moved to Pa. She lived across the street from my 28 year old self. She had raised her family, Coby was in high school, all others were gone, and later I found out she lost a 15 year old daughter. I kept up with Mrs. Dawkins, for 41 years now, and had lost touch, the past few years. I just assumed she had died, she would probably be in late 90's?
This Thank you letter, was letting me know, how much Mrs. Dawkins had appreciated my cards and letters. Her daughter, I guess found them, and our address. Grace died of Alzheimer disease March 6 of this year. She lived with her daughter during the pandemic. There was a photo of Mrs. Dawkins smelling and looking at plants, with her husband, patting her back. I think Grace died many years ago, when she lost her daughter. Her yard was a wonderland of plant life, in honor of her daughter. She hand dug, a HUGE pond, daily for years, putting each rock in, the entire pond, All the plants had stories, and reason for placement. She taught me 80% of what I know about nature and plants. ( My other neighbor Mr. Balderston, on the side of us, taught me the rest) She was Eccentric beyond the E!!!! She laid a path of stones under her massive forsythia bushes that lined her fence, for her dogs, to have a nice path to run and lay their heads. I would find her on many occasions, eating peanut butter out of a jar, sitting in the sun, just thinking. I loved her, to her core. My babies ran around her yard, with joy, and I soaked up all she offered.( Note, she did not buy the stones in her yard, she found them!!) She had long hair put up, salt and pepper, and one day she got hot, and off it came. She just grabbed something sharp and randomly cut off swatches of her hair. One day, while in her kitchen, I noticed that the fridge was open, and not running, she said, its not really needed. One day I went into her living room, and their was blood all over the wall and chair, I said, "Mrs. Dawkins, geez, what happened?" Her cat was hurt, and scratching and she was doctoring it. She was not going to clean the blood off, until the cat was finished with her mess. Mrs. Dawkins meandered though her life, loving the earth and all its creatures. One of her many dogs, had escaped the yard, and had died, next to our screened in porch. She was so happy, he had chosen being close to us, to pass on. She thanked us for giving him a space to leave this earth. She loved my babies, and me. I will never forget that rare bird of a human. I gather pussy willow to this day, because she gave me some, every year when her tree was in bloom. Her heart was broken, and yet she lived so in touch with her grief, pouring the pain into her yard, and watching it grow into a masterpiece of love. I will frame my photo of Grace Dawkins, and know she is in utter joy, I know that much for sure.
( I will try and take a photo of my photo, but getting it on this blog, well I don't know if there is hope!!)
I think it is June outside, Small Victories, are big.
love,love,love
B
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