Dog Level

The sun is saying hello this Sunday morning, and I see things!! Not dead people, dust and stuff that needs to be done. You see I'm stuck at a dog's level. My view is different, and my list is growing. My caretakers are trying to tell me, that some things on my list, do not qualify for their job description. Really, do I need a fog horn?? When I'm rolling the walker over dog bones, and toys, they need to be picked up. Lucy needs her dog bed "fluffed up", these things make me feel better. Every morning I have to ask certain people, to open the shades, don't they see these things? The poor cats water bowls, look like the sewers, you have to clean them!!! and put fresh water in. Do we live in the same house?? I suggest that they come sit with me, or crawl up the stairs, or use the walker at the pace of a snail, change your view level!!!! I asked my people to blow off the back deck, three weeks ago, "WHY?" they ask, no one is sitting out there now. BECAUSE I can see it, and the details make a difference. When you are stuck, and unable to move, you want to do everything, and its not possible, and its hard to explain things, like..... " Hart can you go to the laundry room, and get a new tablecloth for the deck table?" MOM....., also feed the birds...MOM...
My family continues to go above and beyond to help me, and keep me smiling. Putting a fall tablecloth on the deck table, when clearly it is almost spring, they try. I asked Bill to sweep the kitchen, you could feed Somalia with the crumbs on my floor, and he was so proud to say, " I did that yesterday!"
They are not up for sainthood, but to me they are pretty close.
I did notice that all my pens are missing, beside the barge ( my place of healing)(really just a big chair!) do they think there will be no more lists???
Not only does my list grow, but I have started putting them into categories, and folders!! My sweet son, was using some of my prayer beads, he is getting desperate!! God love him!!!
At any level, laughter heals.

I'm Sitting Right Here!!!

As Harriet would say, "My Beloved!" she makes me smile. Smiling has not been on my face much this February or in my heart, but then I think of a few people and my face hurts the smile is so big.
MB(my beloved) told me last night, that he has missed my blog. That is so wicked sweet Bill, but I'm sitting right here!! What do you want to know???Then I reminded him of my February woes. " What do you want me to write about?" How long it takes me to get to the bathroom? How long I have not worn make-up? OMG, who is this person talking?? Who is this broken leg woman, and where is Bonnie? So I woke up this morning, with a new spirit.
I wanted to reflect on some of the things I have experienced during my claustrophobic cast days of despair.
1. The Kindle has rocked my prone position!! Me, often fighting change, is loving this machine. I like the way it feels in my hand, I like that there is NO delayed gratification, want a new book, CLICK!! it's there. I suggest to all readers, who love books, and think that they can never release turning the pages of a book, or the smell, give it up! This is a miracle machine.
2. Pandora.com, another brilliant idea. Type in a favorite singer and or song, BINGO they make your very own radio station. All the music that is similar to the singer you typed in, playing, no bad songs!! No reason to change the radio station. Wonderful!!
3. Food being served on a monogrammed bed tray, makes all things taste better. Attention to details, even if its just a granola bar!!!
There are many more plus +++ things I have learned, while healing. Most important is that I still have a voice, and my beloved still likes to listen to it!!! or at least he pretends, and that still counts!!!

An Easy Target for Somali Pirates

I have not moved for days. Most of the time, that has been OK, but when you need to go to the bathroom, not moving is not so good!!!The young doctor said," No weight on that leg!" several times. What??did he anticipate I may not listen?I listen, at least right now, and have moved at a dead snails pace. Walker to stool to potty and back to the barge. I'm an easy target for Somali pirates!!! Thank the lord that I have people. People who know me, and take good care of me anyway!! They understand that my needs, are odd for some!! You mean to tell me not everyone asks for a spoonful of marshmallow cream!!! You may be required to find my favorite lipstick!! or I need the white tweezers, not the silver ones!! I love my family and friends, for loving me, and laughing with me. This broken leg of mine, has greatly affected those around me. I have slept more than the average bear, and my caretakers have to have some time off. They need their rest. The queen bee has just opened a new notepad, and found her favorite pen," I need" list continues to grow, a broken leg has not slowed me down, it just kept me from moving!!! Thank you all for helping me hop!!! and for keeping those pirates at bay!!(send me Johnny Depp!)

Waiting

I'm sitting on "the barge" my seat, in our den. My place, as I like to call it, surrounded by MY stuff. I'm waiting to have surgery on my broken leg, this coming Thursday. Comfort is not coming my way, and if I don't occupy my mind, the constriction of the splint will start to make me crawl out of my skin, so I think, and blog. Waiting is difficult for most of us, waiting in pain, insanity. I have meds, but I think my angst is winning. Being bored is something that I'm not accustomed to, I don't like it!!! If I could move around better, maybe that "being bored" would flee. Reading is my refuge, and that is not working. So I wait, with an attitude. I count the gray hairs, and conjure up a plan, of how to get my hair colored, before surgery day. I have an appointment, its what do I do with the broken leg, and get beautified??? I'm sure crippled people get their hair done. Are people using the word crippled anymore??? I hate politically correct politeness!!!
Seems like we are always waiting for something. I think I will just sit back and enjoy the silence of my house, my worn, soft blanket, a cold soda, and pop another pill!! Crazy has not totally won!!!

February, It's Still Here

After a two week battle with a sprained ankle and rotten cold, I'm convinced being healthy trumps everything!!! Honestly, I am whipped. I still have no good audible voice, but my fingers are working, so I can still TALK!!! Depression in the winter likes to hang around. When you are sick, and its winter, the Big "D" not only hangs, it takes root!! So I battle, and work hard to find my joy. Throw in unbearable grief, the battle is LARGE!!! My burden is huge, but I'm determined to find every joyful moment, and eat it all up. These last, almost four years, I have been on a mission to live. A scavenger hunt for reasons, to keep going. It is the most amazing gift, this life of ours, and I devour it!! Love it all up. It does require, some work. Hard work, all day, everyday, AND in the winter, sweet Jesus, its hard.
A sweet friend of mine, who recently lost her young son, asked me, " Will I ever find joy?" I touched her and reminded her how "new" her lost was. Five months, you are still are not sure it is true. You are looking for your child around every corner. You are raw, so fragile. The newness of this pain, covers you. Grief is heavy to carry around. It is lonely, but joy is still there. It is all around you, but if I told her that right now, it just seems impossible, so I don't. We just share our stories of our boys. That is our joy. Joy waits for her, just like it did for me, and I find comfort in knowing that. Ward will have been gone 43 months, February 13. He remains a joy to me.
I have a friend coming to Atlanta next week, to go to Emory. He has been diagnosed with ALS.
Where is the joy in hearing that news? Well, there is and we will find it, I'm on a mission!!!!
I pray for miracles, and for winter to leave me standing!!! Is it still February?

Sprained, Strained and Drained!!!!!

The winter months have kicked my ass to the curb, and I believe it is still February.
Holidays, after the loss of a child, don't ever "jell" and this Christmas was no different. I stopped mid-way through my Christmas cards, my heart so full of love for the remaining people on my list. Yet, I could not put pen to paper. Hopefully, I will do a combo-card and send soon, with Happy New Year's and Happy Valentine's day greeting enclosed!! or I could just pitch the entire basket of cards??
January rolls into town, with horrible ice storms and snow, that shuts down Atlanta. My gypsy spirit under lock down. Coats , gloves, turtlenecks, socks, weigh heavy on me, my chilly albatross.
Then our trip into Boston, for the grandsons birthdays, anticipated with joy. The snow, as high as a Georgia pine, made me tread, oh so carefully. In the house, the last night of our visit, I missed a step and rolled my ankle. Yes, down I went, and down I stayed. A big production to get to and from the airport the next day, a merciless flight with a sick man across the aisle from me. I stopped counting the coughs and his sneezes, I was broken and knew this flying virus container of a plane, was going to get me. So now I have a bad sprained ankle, and a horrible cold and cough to usher in February. Work did not see me this week, I have been strained and drained. Each year I try not to give in to the gloomy weather, but when the stuff you are coughing up is the size of a squirrel, the magic of winter eludes me.
Yesterday I received a jury summons for March, really!!!
My Bill told me this morning, that we may have snow next week. My response was, " Now you know why I don't support the NRA!" I would have been locked and loaded in December!!
Life is a beast at times, and I'm riding her all the way, kicking and screaming!!!!