26 Hours of Labor, A Labor of Love

   I bet if I looked back at my blogs on, or around this date, I would see a similar vein running through.
   There would be many "birthing baby" stories, since two of my boys, came out of my belly! The only one I like to mention each year is the nurse who told me, " I would rather you NOT BREATHE, then to breathe like you are doing!" OB nurses should have the patience of Job, and this one was lacking some sweetness. I had many shifts of nurses, so I cant complain but.....I will, this one was mean, and I still hear her loud and crass voice.
 If you are a guessing person, you have already decided I am outside in this glorious sunshine. The August day is lovely, with a cool hushed breeze blowing and me, writing my blog in longhand, because I need to "store-up" this joy juice. ( I just deleted an entire blog, so I am starting again!! Damn it!)
 The warm sunshine is my lifeline and I will hang on tight. The burbs are quiet, not a leaf blower around, so I will ease on into this stillness. We are our own home, we are the first occupant, be still and know.
    Yesterday was my son's 34th birthday, his name is Ward.
     Usually I relive each second of the 26 hour labor game, but yesterday, I was stuck in thinking about what he was missing. I felt a tightness in my body and my mind was adrift, it was not a good place to linger.
My other wonderful children called to check on me, and remind me of Ward's ways! I had to turn my thinking around, so I had a talk with myself about his being with us every day. I don't think he misses a thing, often I think I see him, smell him or know that he is near. I just don't want him to be sad, or I will be sad, and grief wins! I know he enjoys The Baron Family comings and goings. I think he is so proud of all of us, as we are of his brief life. He lived to be 100 in those 25 years, and we celebrate its fullness.
  So on this birthday, my darling boy, this is your present from me.
        To live in this day
        Use it well,
        Remind others of your life of purpose and joy,
       and continue to love you so so so much
                    Mom
       I think you are standing right behind me, remember the movie Ghost? Can you touch me? move my cell phone? Its OK, I know you are near. Happy Birthday Ward.

Tidy This Up

    Two books have passed through my hands(kindle) recently, that deserve your attention.
     One is, Barefoot In Avalon and the other is The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up.
Barefoot In Avalon is not for everyone. I happen to read every book that is ever written about mental illness. From Autism to OCD, Bi-polar, Social anxiety, depression, cutting behavior, eating disorders, all the above, the soup dejour of brain problems, that my child had. I still after I have lost this battle with Ward, desire to see what others have done, in similar situations. A mom always thinks she can fix everything, and I still search for answers. Its a true story, its tragic, and real, and no answers were found.
  The second book, is The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, I want all people to read this, men and women. (surely women are not the only ones doing the tidying up? right?)
  I confess that I picked this book, because it had been on the best seller list so long, and I thought, who the heck is reading this??? I figured it was a self help book for cleaning out closets, which I can always use. This book is so much more, yes it is about cleaning out, organizing your space, but it has a certain mediation running through it. A zen experience on how to throw away, give to the goodwill,  or sell your belongings, without holding onto so much SHIT!!( I could not come up with a better word!)
  If you know me, and I hope you do, I have stuff, much stuff that I love. OR....think I love. I get baskets to hold the stuff, and its sits on top of other stuff, so this book was calling my name.
 There is even a chapter on folding clothes, that I found fascinating. I know what you are thinking, Bon-Bon has gone to the dark side! You have to read this book, we are all connected, even our belongings.
 So I began my journey, in tiny baby steps, just looking under sinks, where I still have a baby potty and no baby! I started with some candles, that just had a little wax left in them. I had twenty!!! so I took them out, no one wants these, I thought?? but there is a little life left in them!! So I lit them all up, Pumpkin, Christmas, Easter smells, all at one time! My kitchen island look like something from Rosemary's Baby.They all burned for an hour or so, and the smell was amazing. The glow was just beautiful, on a drab Monday morn. They had served a great purpose, and I think that is what the book was telling me. You can't just purge and throw things to the wind, you have to thank it! them! and say goodbye, it was lovely.( Then my cleaning lady wanted all the glass containers!! so we celebrated again) ( she makes her own candles, I wish I had thought of that!!) ( that would mean more stuff for me! yikes) Now I will tackle the coat closet , we do not need thirty coats crammed into a small space, this is going to be hard. I'm ready to tidy up......( I still have a stuffed animal that I got in 4th grade, this is going to be fun)

10% To Work With

 Hart and Ward

All Barons, My 100%

   August is the birthdays of many people that I love.
   Two of those darlings, are Hart, August 21, he will be 31 and Ward, August 26, he would have been 34. My favorite month, also comes with heart stopping memories and grief.
     It is very difficult , as a mom, not to relive your children's births! I like to share the details with them, all details!!! When one of those boys, died at 24, I relive his birth and death, daily.
    I began this blog 7 years ago, as a personal journey through grief. I needed an outlet for my pain, or I would still be in the fetal position. My son Ward died in our home, from a bad combination of drugs. Each drug by itself would not have killed him, but together they were lethal. Morphine and Ketamine, took his life and mine with it.( I think the street name for that drug is Special K) ( just for you parents, to make you aware, its not cereal they are talking about!) There was no turning back from this tragedy. That day, I believe, took 90% of my physical and mental life away. So I have been running hard on 10% and I work very hard, to make my life wonderful, and Wards memory counted.
  10% may sound like a little, but its what you put into that percentage that counts.
  I have very little tolerance for bad books, or stupid people. Well stupid, doesn't sound so nice, I should say wasteful people. My time, my energy,  my love is not to be wasted. I have always been particular, but now I am TRULY particular. I surround myself with wonderful people, Mary(my momma) always said, " Be careful who you hang out with, and Never lay with dogs!. ( You know I love my animals! I think that is a southern metaphor for hoods! losers! what do they call bad people now a days? I told my children on several occasions, " Take that person off out list!") ( you know sleeze-0s, or nasty ones!)  Be particular, and kind, generous and firm, life is so precious.
 I bet the majority of people run on 70 or 80 % negative, and they throw away the rest.
 For sure death, is a big teacher, one that no one wants, to let you know, "Bye your fresh flowers now!"
 Good music, real food, conversation and sometimes heartache, are all loaded in my little 10%. I can feel each cell in my body working, because I pay attention, to what I have left.
  Some days are just a little bit harder.
  Happy Birthday Boys, Hart get ready to hear the stories, and Ward don't even think that you will not hear them again. 26 hours of labor and no epidural, yes you will hear it again, my love.
  I have a job to do, and much to work with!
 
Photo is of Hart, Ward, and Number two child Brian

                                            Keith, Ward and Brian

                                                        Emma, Hart and W

And The Wheels On The Bus Go........

   I will never understand going to school in August, it makes no sense. My husband said, there are six more weeks of summer! If that is true? no one should be in school.
  In Hot Atlanta this morning, the bus wheels were turning, hundreds of big and little kids, crawling on board. I remember this day, every year for my kids. I wanted a tiny bit of free time, but at the expense of what? Why can't they go half a days, until everyone adjusts? WELL IN Japan......they go to school 24 hrs a day, seven days a week, blah blah blah, some say.
  I could teach them so much more, we had more weeks to explore, adventures to learn. BUT THEY ( who is this they???) want to be with their friends, and try out for sports and  use a new pencil!??? I know all of that but in August?
  I loved school, ( OK, never math, but I know Iam not the only one!), I liked new clothes, my friends, books and my lunch box. I was never tired at school, mom always had us in bed early. In fact first grade we were required to take naps, and I never could!! I was probably talking or reading a book, Mrs. Miller was never happy anyway!
  Middle school, was different, I still liked school, but this puberty thing, was way tooooo much. Throw in Boys, and my grades went with them. From straight A's to a few C', but back in the day, that was big. As a girl, thinking about starting your period, was mind numbing angst! PE uniforms, were made by the devil, Middle School was a huge learning curve, but I still liked school, we went after Labor Day, it made sense.
   High School, I triple loved, cute clothes, cute boys, best buddies and school was pretty good. Still loved English, reading and Spanish. History came in second, with Science and Math trailing. Home Economics, horrible, but it was the end of the day, I had plans to make!
  I still love school, I continue to take classes. I have had two wonderful careers, really three with having babies. I would choose having a family as my best class ever, and its year long and NEVER stops!! and there is seldom recess, but it is the best.
  These mornings in August, my favorite month, pull at my heartstrings.

   I remember what they wore, what they were doing in school, all of their teachers names, and that big yellow bus that took them for so many years.
  When Ward, my first was going to half day kindergarten in Yardley, Pa. (after Labor Day) and his first bus ride, I told him, " I will be waiting for you, they will drop you in front of the house, it will be great, you have a name-tag on!" He was so scared, I thought I would die. That afternoon, the bus went right by the house, and I saw Ward in the window. I jumped into the car, and  followed that bus, it turned at the next street, which looped into our street, somehow the driver knew! ( He could see a crazy lady in his rear-view mirror) I pulled up beside, him and yelled out the window, you forgot my son,Ward!! He shook his head, and off walked my baby. I looked at Ward and said, " Your mom will not always be right, a good first lesson, but I will come find you, that is for sure!" I held him for a good hour, he had passed out, from fatigue or I had cut off his air supply.
  School is the most important thing, making good friends so important, learning how to navigate people, huge important lesson, but in August?
 Hart, my second out of my body kid, came home from school in AUGUST with all of his hair cut off, because he was hot!!! Emma number five, Malia and I ( next door neighbor) had them in year round, we were fried by then!!!
  School is in session in Georgia, and there are five more weeks of summer.
  And the wheels go on and on and on..........

Spread Thin

   I have No Words for what I watched on TV last night, except that I am Spread Thin over all this debate mess. The Republican few had a big debate last evening, some at 5 and some at 9. I think it is my duty, as a voter to listen to everyone, even when they are not my party. I don't believe in their plan of action, but they still deserve my respect for the process of picking a leader.
    This thing last night, was rude, disrespectful, awful, embarrassing for the Republican Party. What has happened to our process of a good political debate? The Republicans have no one to run, and we have Hilliary! Mrs. Clinton comes with enough baggage to stop a train, but at least I know what she has packed in her bags. The Republican party is like all the clowns trying to get out of that little circus car, pushing and shoving and no one is laughing.
    Normally I steer clear of religion and politics, but its all in our face with all of these electronics! We are a country divided along the lines of, who believes the photo of the baby missing its limbs? ( That picture has been around since the early 70's people) What if we called Planned Parenthood, The Woman's Center? The Woman's Health Clinic, that supports women's rights to their body? Most of the abortions are done in fancy, rich doctors offices under the code of D&C. Planned Parenthood, does so much good.
  This political hoopla is a carnival and I don't see anyone selling cotton candy OR funnel cakes. I think I even heard Joe Biden is thinking....Stop It Joe, just go out with a smile. Let, "House of Cards" Hilliary run, or Donald Trump, (is this a joke), my shoulder and jaw are starting to twitch, which happens to me under stress.
   I tell my beloved, " Turn it off, or I will need physical therapy!" He did and we meandered up to bed. Bill falls to sleep in one second, but I was wound tight. I turned on an old movie, where people were polite, spoke so sweetly and may jump into a song at any minute. I was sitting up in bed, praying out loud, "Dear Baby Jesus ( felt the need to call all), Joseph, Mary, The Sheppard  and a few wandering sheep,
        Thank you for my bed, and hot and cold running water ( another blog about a mission trip without these things, I always thank god for them!!) and Adult Jesus please, erase the image I have in my brain of scary men talking and acting ugly! Please fill my head with good thoughts, and maybe Fred Astaire or Lenny Kravitz, Thank you for loving me, night"
     I heard Bill laugh, and say, you are so funny ( remember I pray out loud!), I patted him and shoved the cat over to his side. This is going to be a long political bad climate, and I have to pace myself, Iam sooooo SPREAD THIN.

They KNOW....

   In the deep Southeast, there has been a shift in the morning temperature . Even now, its around 77 degrees and I think it is around 10 am. In my world, that means there is a chill in the air. I choke at the thought, but I think the early mornings have been in the 60's. In fact, as I look out this window, to my right, the day looks different. I knew it! I knew when I saw the cat, climb into the bay window.
  They KNOW.....it may not be a tsunami, but they know fall is close.
   My animals have a set schedule for seasons, that they have developed.
   In the fall and winter, they come sit in the windows for warmth and sunshine, and sleep on fleece blankets.
   The spring and summer, puts them flat on the hardwood floors, for coolness and they only go to the windows at dusk, when the hot sun is going down! They betray me, I have winter animals, how will they spend their golden years in the Keys with me?
   Even the hubs, has just this week, started wearing long sleeve oxford cloth shirts!! For two mornings now, I have asked, " Why the long sleeve?" As he is walking out the door, (many years of marriage!) " I have to meet the parents of upcoming freshman students, and I want to look nice!" ( Parents go to college to meet professors???) ( Georgia Tech kids??) ( I left all my kids at the dorms, fraternity  houses and apartments)( they are graduated and became wonderful adults) ( I don't need to know your professors, ever!) Well, I may have gone off task....
   I continued to tell Dr. Bill, the hubs, " You see, I told you the cat was right, fall is coming!" He patted my back, ( he takes good care of me) " Bonnie, it is six weeks until fall!" My head spun around like Reagan, ( you should know who that is) " AND that gives me no comfort, six weeks is short, its nothing in time, plus the cat says, four!"
  Its my birthday month, I need hot August, there is no room for crispness in the air!
  Panic has not set in in, but my friend just wanted to know something about a good pair of winter boots!!!!
  I need all of August.
  Let me get off this machine and go soak it up, and watch the animals, They Know. ( I think I just saw a squirrel gathering nuts! Damn it!) ( I typed in Hot August Nights in Google Images and it gave me Neil Diamond!!, nothing could have made me happier!!)