OFA

   June has seemed long to me, this 2014. Yet here it is the last day, and I feel so surprised that it is here.
   The sultry month of June has stretched on and on, like a long sip of iced sweet tea, with extra lemon!
The sun has been hazy and hiding, bringing showers on most days.
I love summer days, but...I have noticed that this June-Bug month has caused me to search for "outlets of angst" I know that needs to be on a bracelet!
    Luck favors the prepared, and you know I have my fingers in all kinds of activities.
The World Cup of Soccer has kept me entertained, and a little off-center?, I just don't understand a game that no one scores in??
Wimbledon, advantage me! I love tennis , on any surface.
I had a tennis instructor once tell me, " You love the net Bonnie, nothing is getting by you!" I think I said thank you, but he may have been calling me a beast?? who knows! So I used tennis as an outlet, whatever works. I love playing it, and watching it. It puts me in a zone, minus meds!or a martini, a perfect match for me.
 Reading is always an outlet for me, another zone of utter joy. I read A Place at the Table not great, all over the place reading. Am now on The Vacationers by Emma Straub, very enjoyable, so far. Families on vacation, with all their baggage ( not the rolling kind) is always a story or two that fascinates me. I have in the waiting, Hollow Ground, by Natalle S. Harnett, and If I Stay, by Gayle Forman. Those will be into July, now it seems fast, this summer is almost gone!!!
  I have seen two movies in June, or I may have not have remembered some?
  I watched Her, and liked it. I would have given Scarlett Johansson  an Oscar for her voice!
  I also viewed The Invisible Women  with Ralph Fiennes( I would watch him eat cereal) It was slow and English, and delicious. Bill reminded me several times, how slow the movie was! I reminded him, that it was perfect, and to do some research on Charles Dickens while we watched it! Since it was about Charlie and his 13 year affair with an 18 year old girl, I needed more details, and Bill needed to Sush!
   To wind down here, art continues to be my outlet of the summer, thrilling me to my bones. I have been doing watercolors, and am thinking of pastels for the fall. It is just a pleasure beyond words.
Tomorrow we are going to paint, I think Dahlias at one of the ladies home. We have to be there early for the cool morning weather and the right sun. AND she lives in the former house of Cher and Greg Allman, how much fun can a person have!!!
  If you know me, summer is hard for my family since we lost our boy, I tend to stay put and reflect. I work very hard to continue to breathe, left foot, right foot move, and enjoy this beautiful life.
Outlets for angst, we all need them, some more than others and some more in the summer months.
OFA, you know that needs to be on a bracelet!!!



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I Had An Epiphany Not A Stroke!

   While driving to my art class last week I had a moment of clarity!
    My entire happiness is contingent to the last song I hear.
   The ten minute car trip, or less began with Counting Crows, Mr. Jones. I took a big breath and almost spoke in tongues, " I forgot how much I like this band," and then I sang my heart out. One red light, two, should I turn the radio off so this song is stuck in my head, no I feel lucky, let's roll the radio dice.
  Nothing, I have clicked about ten radio stations, I turn to pull in at my art studio place, and I hear
      You've got your ball
      You've got your chain
      tied to me tight, tie me up again     Crash Into Me-Dave Matthews
I sit back and relax, to this perfect song and voice. Knowing that I will be in a good place for my artwork zone! Until, you know I can not be still! I had to write down the title of the song and some of the lyrics, in case Google never works again! I rummage in my purse, the cauldron of no return, to find a pen and pad.
I love my notes, that only I can read, I will post you some of them, for your enjoyment.
I see a line, Hike up your skirt a little more, but then started singing. I wrote his voice is heaven, but voice looks much like the word cock, so lord knows where my mind may have been going with this, lets stay with heaven!
I very seldom throw away my notes, because I find a word, phrase or entire blog written on scraps of paper.
Just like the above title, I had an epiphany not a stroke was a scribble from Amsterdam and at the bottom it says, Mobility Impaired!!! which I will use at a later date! I just love the sound of Mobility Impaired. There has to be a story in there!!
Back to music....
Turn up the radio, put on your favorite CD, to start your day, survive your day, and end your day.
Music makes a difference, or it could be a stroke!!

MEN and More Men

   As I sit at the kitchen table this sultry summer morning, listening to the hammers and paintbrushes of worker bee men in my house, (lord what a run on sentence and I continue!)I reflect about men in my life.
  Boy crazy is a term that I heard, very early in my life. Not pull off your panties crazy, but I love men.
  I have loved many and still do, from the depths of heart, love, love, love.
  I married a man, Dr. Bill, with two sons, we soon had two more sons and later adopted our daughter Emma. I have two brothers, and so many male cousins that I still love to this day! My dad and uncles, play and played a huge part in the person who types now. All the sweet boys, that I dated and loved to pieces, treated me like a princess ( OK, there were some toads, but they get no air time) and taught me to take it down a notch! I still remain on a pedestal, but I keep myself there! Its a healthy crown to balance! I just want to thank all the boys/men in my life, for stroking the fires ( that sounds naughty?) Maybe I should say, " Thank you for loving me back" and making me appreciate the good in men.
  Even the worker men, that help me, I salute you for being on time and careful with my stuff and listening to me!
  Thank you to my husband for helping me raise boys that are good men, I adore them.
   Thank you to all the moms out there that raise boys, to be exemplary men.
   ( I just heard the garbage man swing by, Lord I love a man that will pick up garbage!)
My den is a wreck, and I choose to think about good men in my life!
This finding happiness in chaos is hard work, ( now I hear the tree trimming men, Love them)

I Love Crazy

   I have a tendency to love crazy, dancing, music, people, plants, colors, smells, I just love so much. I could be a love hoarder! ( new idea for reality TV)
   People that know me, know this character plus or minus.
   Right now I am so in love with Jimmy Fallon, more then back in the day, love him.
   He makes me smile without saying a word, and he gives me so much material. Food for thought.
    I watch him, at a later date, so you may or may not get my references, but that is OK! ( remember I write my blog for me, and you are my icing, that I eat first! but the writing, is my therapy)
    One of his shows, he was interviewing Barbara Walters, and she mentioned (and they showed a clip) that while she hosted the Tonight Show years ago for Johnny, she danced with Ray Bolger! I looked at Bill, and he knew something crazy was about to pour from my mouth. To Bill, " If I could have anyone come back and have dinner with me, or just visit, it would be Ray Bolger!" He seemed mystified, which I find hysterical after years of marriage, " Really, not Jesus or Presidents?" I replied, " No Ray Bolger, and Fred Astaire, and I would dance with them for hours and wear a beautiful dress that flowed when they spun me around!" and " He was The Scarecrow, you know!" and " I think I am Ginger Rogers!" ' Jesus knows me, I don't need a visit!" Then the hamster wheel was turning, if I could have five people, dead or alive, come visit and dine with me? ( Get out the pencil and pad quick!) ( Thank you Jimmy Fallon for you!)
   Dancing is covered, now who else. I love funny people, and I love neurosis, so Woody Allen. He may have to come by himself, not with the others. I have many questions, and I love his comedy so much, that I need to talk to him about some stuff?? I don't like to be disappointed in my favorites, so we need alone time.
Two more.....hummmmmm.......I would love to sit and listen to Jackie Gleason and Red Skeleton. I can still hear my parents laughing so hard at them, when I was suppose to be asleep. It was a wonderful sound, and I would like to thank them, and laugh some more. Is that five? Oh goodness, I have a big house, lets invite more. Lenny Kravitz just to stare at, and he can play and sing, if the mood strikes! George Harrison, who I think may have a spiritual side to him, that I would like to know more about. When he died, the entire room he was in, lite up, like lights at Christmas! I want to talk to him, My Sweet Lord ! Jackson Pollock and Andrew Wyeth, Frank Lloyd Wright the list is too long, all the authors and maybe a saint or two.
  Thank you Jimmy Fallon for talking to Barbara, and finding the clip of her dancing with Ray Bolger, you could not have known, how touched I was. How it made me think, and think some more.
  This writing has just been such a pleasure, to think about.
  Just to let you know, you have a seat at my table also.
  The door is open, in the south we don't lock the doors, crazy is welcome

Summer Stuff, Who Would've Thunk?

 Why are there so many squirrels, making so much noise this morning? They are so busy and it looks like fun! We humans have to find a way to make being busy more fun. Whatever we choose to do, work or play, there has to be something to keep us engaged to see it through.
  Summer seems devoid of routine, as does retirement, therefore I seem to be working harder. That picture is a tad off center to me.
  Each summer I do spring cleaning, big purges of letting go.
  So I decide to rid myself of some of my many books, in every room. I love the way they look, stacked in all directions, but they get dusty and seldom are read again, so why hoard? I take down two books, TWO to begin with, then I make the mistake of scanning the contents to see if I have highlighted any jewels, that I need to use at sometime in my life. LipShtick by Gwen Macsai is so funny. Each page full of words that I love. Example one-"You know, I think of myself as a highly emotional person, but have never known such depths of love and hate until I got married and had children." and " Anyone who has walked out of a beauty salon looking like Don King understands." ( I love women writers!)  She writes about the hair on her legs being sharp, " You can run a potato up my legs and it slices and dices, makes julienne fries!! ( men don't get this!) This book came out in the year 2000, I sigh and put it into my pile of one!
       Example two- The Girls Guide To Hunting And Fishing by Melissa Bank 1999
 " My breasts seem to be saying something about me that I didn't want said, my Achilles' heel!"
 " The museum was like the house of a rich old women who didn't want you to visit." I double sigh and place it on book one! and I have to stop. Do you realize how long this is going to take, at two books a day, and you have to blog about each one!? (that would be me talking to myself!) Still talking to myself, " Its summer and you are retired, duh! you have the time!"
   "I just didn't think cleaning out space could be so hard", now I am answering myself, this is fun!
" Oh now I get the squirrels, they are moving around nuts, and looking at each one, and hiding some and putting some in the Goodwill bag for others!" ( weak metaphor Bon!) ( now Iam not listening!)
Summer, just like any season requires us to focus and get things accomplished, while having some fun.
That I can do!

I Just Needed A Few More Days

  As much as I pine for summer, it pulls at my heart.
  Everything is so bright and magnificent, flowers pop with color.
  Smells of fresh cut grass wafts through the wind, and animals of all kinds flutter and swarm.
  and yet....
  This is when we lost Ward.
  I don't want him to miss anything. I want him to be willing to pull off the road, for the perfect picture.
  He was my journey, my adventure, my boy.
  I just needed a few more days.
  How many?
  I always think if I could hold him, and just tell him I love him and that he is perfect one more time, but I know that would not work. I could not say good-bye again.
  How about five more years, and he would get better, not want to take any drugs, not want anything for a quick fix. Would that have been enough? No, there are no answers.
  I just keep moving and hope for each day, to make him proud.
  I saw this quote this week, and it reminded me of all my children, but especially Ward.
                          Every Child is gifted
                       They just unwrap their packages
                            at different times
I remember when Ward was in K, or preK, who knows, they test people soooo young, which is insanity!
They told me they (teachers) wanted to test him for the gifted program. I was delighted, "Sure you can test him, I am so glad that you see his gifts, like me!" The teachers looked at me strange, which would not be the last time! Of course he passed with flying colors, and they wanted him in all kinds of "talented" classes, when I said, "NO"
I would like for him to show his talents in a regular classroom, he does not need a label of any kind. Talented and Gifted, well he knows he is this from his family. He is an artist, he knows three languages, he reads and writes stories now, he will shine, period!!
But....don't you want him....not to be bored??
"Ward will never be bored, I refuse to allow it, and I have faith in teachers."
Teachers testing, "Are you sure?"
"Oh young teacher that you are, I am so sure. He is the best, the brightest, so smart and he needs to just be regular, like I said he will shine!"
Ward would make good grades all of his life, even all through college. He never had to study, he was gifted.
He was also socially not right, and would still be labeled with ADD, Autism , depression, OCD, the kid had it all. He was gifted, and it came with some other things. Such is life.
He was a challenge, and a joy. He was a square peg and there was no hole to fit in.
I just needed a few more days, I think.
Maybe he was just done, he was so gifted.
Ward your mom,( me) is still suffering some neurosis, a little depression, a few character disorders or two, and a lifetime of joy.
Seven years seems like a minute, and a lifetime.
But I will be OK, you see, you left me your gifts.

7-Eleven, Big Gulp

 Summer in my life is very much like, I think, a Big Gulp drink would be. A 7-Eleven, Big Gulp! I have never had one, because I would have to pee six times before I left the store. However, they seem to be the granddaddy of liquid, thirst quenchers. To me, that describes my cup that is full and running over, with summer.
   Summer stirs the memories and awakens my inner child, who is never truly asleep!
   There is just so much to do, to see, to listen too, it's MORRISON cafeteria after Sunday church.
   So to say that I may be scattered, is oh so true, and I don't care, because its summer.
   Just this week, crammed full of joy and thoughts, took me to my knees on several occasions.
Let me share a few.
When I see the sign for any farmers market that is open, my heart rate increases. Fresh farm food, and the stories that come with it, are to die for. Yesterday I tasted all kinds of olive oil and vinegar, until my tongue was sore trying to get it off my teeth, so I could continue to talk. Then I went to the goat cheese man, and heard his stories of milking the goats that morning, as I was licking my sampling stick of honey, orange goat cheese, that caused me to praise Jesus out loud. We strolled to the bread, and my only request was that is was crunchy but soft, so she let me touch a few. The lettuce man, had arranged his Bibb lettuce to look like a flower arrangement, that went in my bag, after I asked him if he could cook collards and come home with me.( He was from Vietnam, do they know collards?)
 The peach, pecan jam, was the last to be picked up, and we headed home from heaven, to eat our summer fix. ( I had already gone to the tomato man, at another stand.You see I am a loyal girl to my vegetable/fruit people)
I must have said a hundred times, this makes me so happy!
  The week had been sad with Maya Angelou's death but so exciting to read her words again. My big gulp was getting full of her beautiful words of wisdom and love. Then I had a friend turn me on to a video about Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings that thrilled me to my core, I love this friend and Marjorie, so I pulled my first edition of "The Yearling" and read it again. My son text me about a documentary on Calvin and Hobbes writer, so I jumped on that and it made me cry. My kids and I love Calvin and Hobbe, and I remembered that I had received a letter from B. Watterson, so I went to our basement to search for it. I just feel so good, about how many times I wrote people and got an answer. A letter, and I saved them, add that to my summer fun, it is never ending joy around every corner!
 Then when I thought, after the Farmer's Market, that nothing could top that, Bill and I turned on the tube and found, The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction. Three, yes three hours of music and I only had to grab my chest three times!! One for Linda Ronstadt, memories of singing her songs in PE, to drown out the smell of the locker room! The camera scanned the crowd and I saw Jackson Brown and almost had to take a pill, my heart stopped. We all age....he still looks grand to me. But what caused me to cry like a newborn was Cat Stevens, honestly I almost became a Muslim, just to hear him again. Yusuf was warm and the same, but different, and my loved remained steady.
   Glorious summer fun, fills my cup, and I did not even have to go to the 7-Eleven.
   Joy will find you, just open your eyes and ears, and taste buds. Let the sunshine in, and if that does not work, get a Big Gulp! Drink up!