I Have Lost My Voice

My voice is still, quiet, softened, lulled, slacken, gone.

I have become very withdrawn during this covid/political.

Idle hands, not so much.

Busy hands and mind, just no voice.

( my mom, husband, and kids, would beg to differ)

BUT....

I feel it.

AND....

This is not my jam!!!

What is there to say?? 

I am the writer of my narrative, my story, but it has become quiet.

The things I would like to say, are strong and loud, and fall on deaf ears. Plus I am older, and the fight left in me, is also different. (You know I blame the weather for everything!!) ( I feel it in the air, its changing!!) ( and I have two people living inside of me!!) ( Summer and Winter!!) ( Sybil times two)

I could tell you what I have cooked, painted, read, watched on the telly, however, it seems small, with what is going on in the world.

I am so thankful beyond coffee, that I love myself. So many humans are in such a discontent with themselves!! Lord, thank you for me. Flaws and all, wrapped up crazy good, still learning, grown woman, who thinks she is 16!!!

Mom told me this Sunday morning, to write about napkins!!! ( Love my mom)

I told her that was great, they make me very happy. I have many, many cocktail napkins, seasonal and not, that bring me joy!! I place a few new ones on mom's breakfast tray every few days. She saves them, and sends them to her friends!! We pass on our napkin love!! ( Mom writes about three letters a day!! Snail mail, fun stuff)

Today's napkin was a flamingo, wearing a flower crown, and you open it up and more flowers everywhere!! Mom kissed it, and held it to her heart! We both agreed it was a good one, we even liked the texture of the paper!!! We are funny people. I like to thank Nan and Brooks Hayes, for teaching me to always put out a cute napkin, at night, to get ready for coffee in morn. Cups ready, spoon, sugar or sweet n low, and a pretty napkin underneath. I thought the gesture was so sweet, I borrowed it, and still use it to this day. Now I have giving mom the idea, our eyes just need to wake up to sweetness. ( I will try and take a picture of some of them, or send you one!! just because!!

I still am rather quiet, but my fingers are working, so you can hear me.

These moments are very different, change, of any kind, is hard. Throw in a virus and a clown, and I have had to pause!! Take deep breaths, and pull out the napkins!!!

August is walking away, and I still have so much to say.

Right now, silence is pretty sweet.

You Row Forward, Looking Back

I need a litany, a rosary, a sutra, a mantra, a war chant, to get me through each day. I wake up, asking Jesus to make me an instrument of peace, and its fleeting!! These are very disorienting times.

As always a few things, surprise me, delight me, amaze me, and sustain me. Thankfully.

A lone beautiful apple, dinner with entire crew, the back door open, sunshine, rain, books, visits with mom and beloved Bill, Wyatt reminding us all to enjoy this moment of toddler time, ( run on sentence makes me happy also!)

Smells of my perfume from France, and Jo Malone, both with mimosa and cardamom infused.

A sharp pencil, and new watercolors, a finished painting and one ready to do, clean sheets, and my cleaning family that has been with us over 20 years.

The Obamas, Michelle's speech, last night at the DNC, caused me to fist bump the air, and have a moment of clear headedness, ( is that a word)

Glad Bill and I are retired and able to care for mamasita in our home.

Reading BackLash, pausing between paragraphs, to check my heart and mind. To make sure I am a good human, and have taught my children to do right in the world. To remember that being quiet, keeps the sustainable racism going. My actions, are important, words, thoughts, will be heard. I hope everyone reads this book, stays with it, knowing it will, maybe, make you uncomfortable, hopefully. It is a must read. 

Mary Trump's book, not a must read, because I knew almost all the information about the man and his family. I guess that is why I was surprised that anyone that I knew, could vote for him. Placing him in this office revealed so much, and its not pretty. I read the book anyway.

No one knows how the election will turn out, I just am thankful to live in a country that I can express my thoughts and you are free to yours. Homer use to always say, " Bon, are you happy with the person, you see in the mirror?" 

Yes daddy, I am.

Brainpickings on FB is a wonderful site, I can not praise it enough.

Its free, you can donate if you choose, and its spirit lifting. If you like poetry, literature, artist, smart interesting thoughts. ( has helped me, in this covid solitude)

Also Chefs Table, on Netflex, ( I think that's the name)

 continues to fill me up!!!! It is total meditation about food, and our relationship with it. Fantastic.

Also hope you get to watch, CNN( I think) United Shades of America, by  Kamau Bell. All seasons, but this one now, is mind blowing, and important to our being whole.

Lets see, I truly don't know what I was going to write about, maybe growing my hair out gray, and each day, thinking, this is not going to work!!

Oh sweet people, keep paying attention, work hard for each other, read and enjoy the last of the summer tomatoes!! There is a crispness in the air this morning, change can be hard, but necessary.

Adaptation may come in the words of Beth Dutton, or Mr. Rogers, listen to both. 

 

August Arrives

  I love the month of August.
On the very first day, each year, I celebrate being here on this planet.
Even during these strange days of germs galore, trouble in the big house, and a hurricane skirting the east coast!! I am happy, as a clam, to be another year older.
68 sounds mature, wise and charming. That is what I will choose to think. My body makes cracking sounds, with just the turn of my head!!! I think I may have some worry lines about my face, but those could also be years of extreme laughter. I just took some Tylenol to get ready for my present tonight, my 3 and half year old grandson, Wyatt the flying monkey and rodeo clown. The toddler, is spending the night, and his UMA, that's me, is ready. We will play with every toy, go up and down steps a million times, play the piano, too loud, eat all night long, and sing every song we know!! We have adventures planned, bugs to find, water to swim in, balls to kick, hit and throw. He will be asked to go to the potty 400 times, and he knows to only pee in the ivy, where snakes live!! He makes me laugh, hard and long. Happy Birthday to me. ( I wish Adrian and Finn were here to help) ( but they are probably making hot date plans with girls and their friends, out on the boat!! Uma was young once, she understands!)
All my favorite people are August people or at least summer birthday folks!! I love um, born into the heat and humidity of life, makes you different. Strong, fierce and beautiful!!! My two boys, from my body, are end of August darlings. Made your mamas feet the size of shoe boxes!!! Summer pregnant women, have sweat on top of sweat!!! My daddy, when Ward was still inside me, told me, I looked sick!! Poisoned, yellow and huge!! ( gotta love Homer for his honesty!) Two days latter daddy told me, I had the most beautiful baby boy, and maybe he would drive to Yardly to see us now!! ( I flew home)
My girl is September born, and she leans into fall weather, but we love her still. The beach is her happy place. My older two bonus sons, February, tooooo cold for babies, and June just made it into the love fest of summer. Love all my children, the best five humans around. Smart, creative, strange, loving, calm, loud, and awesomeness, makes my 68 feel pretty darn good. One, I survived them, and I like them, so much!!
This whole blog was suppose to be about my beloved freedom fighter, John Lewis. I went south with this story. I will tell you more about him later, after I go see his burial place, and kneel down, and thank him from the bottom of my heart. I fought hard for civil rights, for many years, I will not stop ever. I am still that young girl, fighting for equal rights for all people. I heard you John Lewis, I will continue to march on, all 68 years of Bonnie left in me.
I will end this blog, on this August hot day, with a line from Mr. Lewis funereal, LOVE becomes the way we live, we will not be quiet. OK I have never been quiet, and love fills me up!!
I will double up on Good Trouble, and look forward to how many days the good lord gives me.
August is love, you had better believe it!!!! Just ask the sun!!