A Little Fosse

 

  All of my kids and grans were here for a spell. Chaos and sticky hands, massive gab fests, a clutter of fun, and happiness. There are no words to describe how lucky I am. Maybe, favored, or blessed, would suffice. They are all so different, and yet you can see the sameness, running through these Baron Kids. I love to watch their interactions, and hear their stories, all told with a different flair. The holiday was hot and holy! But.....(but is always waiting in the wings) our Ward was not with us. Yet he was the main topic of conversation on many of the days. Yes I have five children, and forever we will feel a large loss. Certainly how we live, and continue to tell his story, keeps him in the loop of fun, and our hearts beating.
     This book I am reading, which is super sad, but the most true grief book, I have ever read. I started after everyone left. Don't ask me why, I knew I wanted to read it, but...(there it is again) maybe the house being so quiet, was not the greatest time. Honestly there is no great time for grief reflection, you just have to jump in.
   ONCE MORE WE SAW STARS by someone with the last name Greene ( first name is covered up by a check mark on my Kindle, you can find it.)
   I think this person knows my insides, my pain, my loss. It is very hard to read, at times, but also beautiful. Grief can be both. He writes that the death of his daughter, Greta, was like he was evaporating, or burning up on contact. A penny slipping under dark water. You are flooded and need new instructions on how to breathe on this new planet. They did not get much time together, is there ever enough time. I miss my daddy, something horrible, and his body was very ready to leave this earth. It is just so hard. Losing a child, is not even in anyone's brain, on how to survive. This story for this family, this author is real. Life is real, we learn to live with sadness. We all do, in some form or another. I think everyone should read grief books. Mr. Greene thinks about how the real pain is not the mangled leg, its the way the bones are set. Maybe you know someone who needs this book, or maybe you need to be reminded of what others are going through. I don't really know, I just read and share with you my thoughts. This book takes my breathe away, and causing me to breathe with calmness.
     Now full circle tilt, all I need is a little Fosse.
 The series on the telly, Fosse and Verdon, brought me so much happiness that is pouring out of my body to this page. They are my Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. He was brilliant. Every hand move, foot move, I had to stand up in the den!! and hold my chest. I danced and sang, and watched his every move. I am flexing my feet right now, to almost a toe position!! I wish you could see it!! My Jazz hands are terrible, but I try. The turn of his head, his hat, his small body, he was Bobby Fosse, the best. Did GwenVerdon, help make him? I like to think so, she was molded by him and put up with him for her entire life. He was a dope addict, a drunk, a womanizer, and the best dancer and choreographer, and director, and writer. I often think, sometimes, you can not have one without the other, and that is a shame. Each night I would go to bed, practicing all my singing and dance moves. The hubs who was many hours asleep by then, would ask, "What are you doing?"  I would whisper, " ALL that Jazz!! Sweet Charity! Cabaret!! Chicago! I am learning from the best!" and would end with a jazz hand, very near his head!! As with grief, sometimes there are no words for brilliant happy dance moves and musical theater!!!

     I truly am so happy, and I hope that you can grab some of it. I send it your way, with a tip of my hat, and best Fosse moves I can muster!! Enjoy your family, and grab a book, and all that Jazz!!!

You Are My Story and Next In Line!!!!

    Mothers Day was yesterday, and I am reminded,You Are My Story.
My life is full of so many stories, because of five children and three grandchildren. Every word you all say, and your actions carry a part of me with you. Be kind, think before you vote, work hard, never stop learning ( education never stops), play hard, but not always enhanced with additives, there is a God, look around you, research, take care of the planet, listen to music, drive slow ( where do you have to go fast??no where) Children and elderly take the patience of Job, breathe and pray, learn to meditate, prayer beads work, remember the baby in the manger, love all people, love yourself most of all, so you can do all of the above things!!!! I love you, leave the world better, and don't think I will not know!! I can read your every thought and eye roll, YOU ARE MY STORY!!! make it a good one.

Also forever remember your father is awesome.
Dr. Bill knows I have a need to love many people, sometimes in extreme crush worthy phases.
Always have, always will. I enjoy it that he knows me so well, its important.
We were watching early rounds of tennis from Madrid last week, and he reminded me when my love, Nadal was playing. Before he played there were two very young men playing, singles, and I just chilled and watched a tad. He let a few minutes pass, and asked me ( broke my concentration) "Who is Next in Line Bonnie? " I sharply turned my head, " You mean to take the place of my Nadal?" The hubs shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. I looked at the TV again, " Well, thank you for always thinking of me, you know I like to have replacement people near, when my hero's age or die (Game of Thrones)" " I like this Tsitsipas, he is twenty and his extremities are nice!! ( I take these things seriously) He is Greek, that is a change, yes I think it will be him." ( The other young man,was too tall and lanky, not a good tennis future, my horse whisperer skills come in handy for so many things)
  Sure enough Nadal lost, on clay courts, and guess who beat him!! I thanked my Bill again, my transfer of love was already happening and it will not be such a shock to my system when Nadal, runs off to Barcelona for a big vacay.
Having the right partner in life, is another part of my story, for sure.
 Those were my main thoughts but two little pearls remain.
   1. Hilton Head, and Jacksonville, back to back, left my natural curly hair in a humidity summer mess!! I go to my hair person, and she begins to tell me, I have dread locks in the back of my hair!!! I scream, I am so excited, I have wanted dread locks all my life!! I told her, lets do the rest!! She continue to brush, and told me no. Another time, and I am going to keep them!! Dena, its happening!!!
   2. I only want to see musicals, and sweet family stories on TV. Mitch Miller, Lawrence Welk, Andy Williams, and Ozzie and Harriet. Game of Thrones has messed me UP!!! Eight or nine, seasons of horror, and passion and confusion. It IS a TV show, and after last night, I could not sleep, I had so much tension in my neck and shoulders!! I thought about waking Bill up, I thought maybe an ER visit was in the cards, but I could not think how I was going to explain why I needed anti anxiety meds or muscle relaxers to the ER people!!! Maybe if I just went in, hunched over in agony, and said, " All the Starks are left, and my queen went ape shit crazy!" will they know?? I do love The Starks, and I think Jon Snow is a Stark, they did not have DNA back in the day!! Oh my gracious, I have to rest for next weeks finale, and comb the cabinets for any left over Valley of the Dolls, to be on the ready!!
  I need Lassie and Bonanza back, my TV nerves are shot to hell!! Hallmark here I come.
  It cool here in Atlanta, its May all month, enjoy each second of each day.
  Love, does it win on Game of Thrones, Geez, I just can not let it Go!!!!

Just Sit

   Having just returned from sitting with my mom for six days, I felt the need to sit some more.
    Not only sit but read a book called, Just Sit!!
    You see I have been going through a lot of feelings lately. More than my average chaos. 
 My brother and father both died, within a few months of each other, and we are broken. 
 Not beyond repair, but Thomas Wolfe did say, "You can't go home again." and I think he may be onto something.
  We can adapt, we have the power of resilience, self-protecting, self-healing, UNLESS...
  Well there is the word, unless you are old and tired, unhealthy, your mind is off center, or unless the event was shattering ( thank you Thomas and Pat Conroy)
  There is no Home at Last, with siblings gone, or a parent gone. Even if the house, is not the house you grew up in, its changed. Our family is changed, and where do we go now?
   I told mom last week, she is very lucky that she has a child that likes to read for hours, and sit and talk for the other hours. I sat in daddy's chair, it fit me like a worn out glove. In the wee hours of the morning, mom and I discussed our early life, from childbirth, to measles, to having periods, to, did dad every cook or go to the store, church, Gene Autry, golf, football, relatives, food, mental illness, grief and depression and how strong women run in our family!! Then she would rest. I sat there looking at her, with a big sigh. Waited for her to rally and bathe, which is a big process. Then we would talk about food, and how important it is to eat, and before I left she was eating pretty good. I told her to 'throw down' some Snickers, she needs calories, even bad ones!! We ate delicious apples, and she peeled them, like when I was little. I told her I like the peeling, she said, she chokes on it. We have come full circle, I think. Mary mom, wants to stay in her home, and I understand, but that reality is not looking good. Grief has hold of her now, and I don't think she has the strength or time, to conquer that beast. You really never do, but you do learn how to live, at 87, mom doesn't want to learn anything new right now. She thinks smoothies are for hippies!! will not try them, come hell or high water!! My brother changed her computer to Google Chrome, and she is almost!!! ready to call it a day!! The cliff edge is looking pretty good to her precious self. 
  I asked her if she wanted to die, and she said not really, No. She has lived a life of serving others, and most of the others are gone. She is a victim of her geography, and place in time. Only wanted to be a mother and wife, and the best one ever. I told her she did all of that, and well, she does not hear me, she is empty.
    So we sat and talked and listened, and were quiet, for six days. I will say, that we also laughed like hyenas, its in our DNA. We are funny people, we are story tellers, we are strong mom.
    One of my cousins, that we has not seen in almost 38 years was at dads, memorial service, Dana Bunn. She said after sitting a spell, " Bonnie, you remember everything!!" I am The Rememberer, good, bad and all the space in between. So I write, and sit and think , and know my mom will be OK. Now Benjie and I, God only knows!!! and she aint talking!!!
We both look at each other, and say, " Can we do this?" " This loss stuff, is horrible and we have questions!!!"
   I remind him, that mom has a Hot Line to Jesus, and all his helpers, surely we can go in on the hem of her dress, for some help!! I love you B.
   Now back to the title, I was driving to the Dollar Store, which was very fun, I don't remember going in hundreds of years. I needed many balls for my Wyatt to throw all over the back yard, you can never have too many. Anyhow, a car rode my bumper for a long time,you know I drive like I talk, slow and long!!! Finally they whizzed past me, and I yelled, " You are nothing but Bitches and Jackasses!!" and I laughed out loud. One of my all time favorite students gave us that phrase for the ages!!! I decided, I needed to sit, when I got home, and meditate!! BUT instead I started a new book about meditation called, Just Sit  !!
Which may be my new life mantra, Be still and know.
    Just sit, and be calm
    Pray without ceasing
    Love wins, if the Bitches and Jackasses stay out of the way!! ( I know, I have work to do)
( don't we all?!)