Just Sit

   Having just returned from sitting with my mom for six days, I felt the need to sit some more.
    Not only sit but read a book called, Just Sit!!
    You see I have been going through a lot of feelings lately. More than my average chaos. 
 My brother and father both died, within a few months of each other, and we are broken. 
 Not beyond repair, but Thomas Wolfe did say, "You can't go home again." and I think he may be onto something.
  We can adapt, we have the power of resilience, self-protecting, self-healing, UNLESS...
  Well there is the word, unless you are old and tired, unhealthy, your mind is off center, or unless the event was shattering ( thank you Thomas and Pat Conroy)
  There is no Home at Last, with siblings gone, or a parent gone. Even if the house, is not the house you grew up in, its changed. Our family is changed, and where do we go now?
   I told mom last week, she is very lucky that she has a child that likes to read for hours, and sit and talk for the other hours. I sat in daddy's chair, it fit me like a worn out glove. In the wee hours of the morning, mom and I discussed our early life, from childbirth, to measles, to having periods, to, did dad every cook or go to the store, church, Gene Autry, golf, football, relatives, food, mental illness, grief and depression and how strong women run in our family!! Then she would rest. I sat there looking at her, with a big sigh. Waited for her to rally and bathe, which is a big process. Then we would talk about food, and how important it is to eat, and before I left she was eating pretty good. I told her to 'throw down' some Snickers, she needs calories, even bad ones!! We ate delicious apples, and she peeled them, like when I was little. I told her I like the peeling, she said, she chokes on it. We have come full circle, I think. Mary mom, wants to stay in her home, and I understand, but that reality is not looking good. Grief has hold of her now, and I don't think she has the strength or time, to conquer that beast. You really never do, but you do learn how to live, at 87, mom doesn't want to learn anything new right now. She thinks smoothies are for hippies!! will not try them, come hell or high water!! My brother changed her computer to Google Chrome, and she is almost!!! ready to call it a day!! The cliff edge is looking pretty good to her precious self. 
  I asked her if she wanted to die, and she said not really, No. She has lived a life of serving others, and most of the others are gone. She is a victim of her geography, and place in time. Only wanted to be a mother and wife, and the best one ever. I told her she did all of that, and well, she does not hear me, she is empty.
    So we sat and talked and listened, and were quiet, for six days. I will say, that we also laughed like hyenas, its in our DNA. We are funny people, we are story tellers, we are strong mom.
    One of my cousins, that we has not seen in almost 38 years was at dads, memorial service, Dana Bunn. She said after sitting a spell, " Bonnie, you remember everything!!" I am The Rememberer, good, bad and all the space in between. So I write, and sit and think , and know my mom will be OK. Now Benjie and I, God only knows!!! and she aint talking!!!
We both look at each other, and say, " Can we do this?" " This loss stuff, is horrible and we have questions!!!"
   I remind him, that mom has a Hot Line to Jesus, and all his helpers, surely we can go in on the hem of her dress, for some help!! I love you B.
   Now back to the title, I was driving to the Dollar Store, which was very fun, I don't remember going in hundreds of years. I needed many balls for my Wyatt to throw all over the back yard, you can never have too many. Anyhow, a car rode my bumper for a long time,you know I drive like I talk, slow and long!!! Finally they whizzed past me, and I yelled, " You are nothing but Bitches and Jackasses!!" and I laughed out loud. One of my all time favorite students gave us that phrase for the ages!!! I decided, I needed to sit, when I got home, and meditate!! BUT instead I started a new book about meditation called, Just Sit  !!
Which may be my new life mantra, Be still and know.
    Just sit, and be calm
    Pray without ceasing
    Love wins, if the Bitches and Jackasses stay out of the way!! ( I know, I have work to do)
( don't we all?!)

Do What Got You Invited-Tupac

     I love the titles to my blog, as much as the process of writing the blogs.
     Often, the two don't connect the dots.
     That even makes me happier.
     This is one of those times.

     People ask, " What can I do, How do I respond to each situation?" Tupac said it all, " What got you invited to the party, to the conversation, into someones life, keep it up." It takes work, it also takes work to let go, choices are ours.
    Which leads me to my last book I read.
    The Book of Help:A Memoir in Remedies by Megan Griswold
    After a few pages, I thought, this will not be for everyone. Yet, that is just my opinion, I need to have more confidence in people!! Yikes, people can be horrible, they need this book. Those are just the people that don't read or care, shameful. I will read for you, and continue my journey to be better in love, connection and peace of mind. I do not know how to explain this woman's travels, well maybe, with telling you that at 7 she asked Santa for a Mantra! Six continents later, her narrative is pretty special. Here below are some of my highlighted jewels.
      1. And this particular log is informed by my affinity for the edges of the bell curve, not the middle!!!! ( she is talking to me and maybe you?)
      2.stories that are most private, the most embarrassing, the most cringeworthy, the most taboo, the most-how can I say??? ( if you write, you have to be open, or why write??) ( also note that I do highlight in mid sentences, so they do not always start with a capital letter) ( and they again, some people begin a sentence with a capital And!) ( all good)
      3. my verbal incontinence ( no filters!! another way to say it?)
      4. The mind creates the abyss but the heart crosses it. ( Lord Jesus)
     5. ( yes my numbers get crooked) ( Overlook) We picked this boat, But neither the waters nor the weather can ever be predicted.
     6. when any of us has a problem, the best we can do is never look for anyone else to fix it.
     7. Her door had always closed more tightly than mine. I wasn't sure I even had a door.
     8.I chose hair spray as my bedside weapon for the eyeballs, and jacks on the floor for the toes to slow. ( I did this my entire life, sometimes, I would use thumbtacks on the floor, and take a yard stick as a slant, for the monster to run into so it would wake me!! When you read that another person, shared your extreme fears!! you feel comforted and know that you both have seen many shrinks!!!)
     9. I seem to like to worry, then criticize myself, then worry some more  ( I wish that was not me also)
     10. I have held her pain. ( Oh my goodness, I hold every mothers pain from losing a child) ( I can not hold my mothers pain of losing her husband, but I share the pain with my brother, after daddy left us)
     11. To wash out the anger, she says, fall in love. Be in love with a peach!!! ( Joy for no reason, for sure it is in produce !)
     12. He smiles at me with sorrow at his edges
     13. Sometimes people need a story more than food to stay alive
Protection, Nourishment, Comfort. In the end, it's not that complicated.(her words)
    Leave the world a better place ( my words) You have been invited to the party, act nice, do good, at least try. I wake up each morning and the first thing I say, " Lord please make me an instrument of peace, and take the cymbals I am clanging out of my hands!!"
     B. ( the photo for this blog?? Anytime I can use The Beatles for a photo op, its happening!! well, the word Help was in the title of book, and album cover!" ( You know by now I do not need a reason!")

Happy, Happy Birthday Barbie

   Yesterday I saw where Doris Day was either 95 or 97 ( I read fast! facts may blur), I swallowed hard. I so wanted to look like her, when I was very young. Grandmother and I saw all of her movies, before I wanted to be Ann Margaret in Viva Las Vegas!!
   I had to explain my gasp to the doctor in the house, when he asked what was wrong with me.
   Doris Day is very old, I began to explain. She was on my list of idols growing up. I think Dr. B. said something like I may have a pretty long list!! I can not help that I have loved and do love, many people!!
   Astronauts, singers, movie stars, politicians, smart people, interesting humans and not so humans, YES even dolls!!! I have loved them all.
   A couple of weeks back, I found out that Barbie was 60!!
   As a family, we did not have much money, but at around 8 or 9ish, I got one for my birthday.
   She was beautiful, and single. It would be many years before Ken came into our lives. I did not love her bangs, so I worked on them for a few years, until I would get them straight. I also worked on Ken's hair not knowing, it was just painted on, fuzz. Needless to say he remained bald early on, and his private area looked funny, I was never a fan of his. I think he only let him drive the Barbie car around.
   Barbie came with her black and white strapless swimsuit and some boobies, earrings and RED lipstick!! Clothes would come later, and few of them. I collected these things for years. When I had real babies, we all had new barbies that were friends with GIJoe. ( Hart loved his dolls!!) ( I told him they would make him a good daddy!) ( and I was right!!)
   Several years back, I decided to sell the hundreds of dolls at a garage sale. I kept the Barbies near me, in case they needed to come back inside after the sale. At the very end, a little girl came and asked how much one was, and you know I had no clue. She looked ragged and maybe a little hungry. I asked her if she loved the doll, and she nodded her head, I told her she could have them all, clothes, sunglasses and heels included!!! Off they went, to another generation of love. She is 60 now, and I hope she is having a many big birthdays all over the place. I know in my heart, she is still young and darling looking. Maybe now she is president of some company, a doctor, mommy, teacher, cab driver, whatever she wishes to be. I guarantee that swimsuit, is folded up in some drawer, reminding her of days gone by. Another one of my favorites, thank you so much mom and dad, for finding the money for my Barbie, and knowing that I would love her forever. Thank you for making that three tiered bed for me to put my dolls to sleep next to me for MANY years!! I still think about my Bride doll, and her legs would not bend!! That was a huge flaw!! Her name was Mary.( therapy session number one) and Sunshine, the red- headed doll with the suitcase full of clothes, that one of your friends made. She was always so cute. So many dolls to love, as Bill says, my list of love is long!!
     I remind him, to remember he remains on that list! Right now, he is not even with Dr. Kildare, so he has work to do!!
     Hope you all have many things to love and love you back.
     Later
     Bonnie

 

"Big Yellow Taxi" by Joni Mitchell

   I have come to realize that I communicate in, song lyrics, movie quotes, books that I have read, poetry, plays!! My entire life is wrapped up in other peoples words and its a wonderful thing.
   This week, I must have seen or listened to( probably both) Joni Mitchell.
   Her lyrics are so timeless, I felt like screaming, " They Paved Paradise, damnit!!" ( OK, I often throw in a few original thought words!)
    There are floods and cyclones, all over the place. No one is concerned about the climate change?
Green slime all over Florida, pollen counts high enough to wear masks!
    We have paved paradise and put up a parking lot, plastics are our oceans. Its insanity to me.
    Just this week, a part of Atlanta for the past three decades have voted "No" on the transit system.
All of Europe has trains, subways, electric bicycles. We have to stop driving cars so much. Pay a little extra taxes for your planet, look at the big picture. Do your part, even a little.
   I have a fair carbon footprint, until it comes to paper napkins!! I like about 10 at a time. I think it is an OCD thing, not sure, not that it matters!! We all like labels these days!!
    I am aware of this foolish behavior, and probably working on it as I type. ( although there is a used napkin next to the computer, I think I carried it from breakfast!" ( Lord)
   I may also take really good napkins, (texture thing) for my purse and car, from a few restaurants.
   I have got to stop! as Joni would tell me, " They took all the trees
                                                                     and put them in a tree museum
                                                                         Then they charged the people
                                                                     A dollar and a half to see 'em"
   Do better, when we know better-Maya Angelou. We know better.
    Joni told us, "Hey farmer, farmer
                        Put away the DDT
                          Give me spots on my apples
                        But leave me the birds and the bees
                           Please!
   She was telling us years ago, with her songbird voice, look around you! Be a part of the solution.
   Make a difference, maybe in the way you vote.
   The way you live and work, and play.
    Climate change is real, the science proves it, and if you don't believe in science, they have doctors for you to see. But then, doctors are scientist, maybe you don't believe in them either.
    How we treat our planet, is how we treat each other.
    Be kind and gentle, and smart.
    Happy Saturday, on this beautiful day, in Atlanta GA. I wish I were at the beach, but spring in Atlanta is pretty sweet.Wherever you feet land, celebrate life.
    and crank up some Joni this morning.
 
                                                 

Its Colder Than A Witches Tit!!

What does that mean? A tit could be a vulgar use of a word, to describe a breast!? or a Bird, and I think a small amount of information!!( or is that a tat??) ( I refuse to look it up again!!) ( just hang with me for a few!!) ( before you correct me!!) ( and does it matter??)
   I am using it like in the vulgar term!! However, I do not think tit is vulgar!! It sounds tiny and pointed!! maybe that is why witches have tits!!?? But cold as.....a witches tit......are witches cold? Satan is hot, witches burned at the stake, that is hot!! A cold tit (and in bold print), well....I do know a well diggers ass is cold, and self explanatory. So you get the picture, March has roared in with rain, and a cold snap!! I hope it will be a short one, but its here and my mood is icy!! Beware the Ides!!( remind me to tell you one day about doing The Ides of March play for ESOL kids at school, and Luke was our Caesar.!) ( Covered in sheet, and snoring!!) ( what better way to learn English!!) ( I loved my students and teachers!!)
    Now you can see, what cold weather does to me, my brain is a rambling jello mold!!
    Back to my blog.
    Reading the book, Educated or Uneducated, I have forgotten the title, but it is awesome. Let me go look for the title.I am back. Its  Educated by Tara West Over.  A good one, for all you readers out there.
  Also have  The Lost Prince by Michael Mewshaw on the kindle for next.
  Continue to read Diana Athill books, all of them, very interesting human.
  OK, that is my literary contribution put out into the world.
  Now for quotes that caused me to pause, write down, and laugh like a hyena!
 " When is it ever OK to bring a bone saw to a negotiation?" may be the best line I have ever heard. You should know the story from whence it came. I think the bone saw, could be used for anything used at a negotiation or conversation, that is a deal breaker or lethal blow!! And it is not funny but....hysterical...red flags speak to you!!!
    " I am not Deepak Chopra!" heard while watching Sex and The City!! I am stealing all of these lines for future use, and use right now!! So quick, these little nuggets.
   And the last one over the weekend, while watching a college basketball game. An announcer was talking about the coach getting a technical foul, and he said, " I know what drew the ire, for that foul!!" WHAT, drew the ire, had to google that pearl!! and you will too, research is good for a cold day in March. ( loosely means, cause for the outburst of bad behavior, what caused the anger!!)
  Words and how they are used, from a tit, to an ire, use them wisely.
  Never stop learning, English or in other languages, the flow of your thoughts, put down on paper.
  Good grammar may help, but its the flow , and words that changes everything.
  Have a wonderful day, stay warm, and if you live in a warm city, be quiet!! I am in a mood, and Deepak Chopra can not help!!
   My mom is doing pretty good, for those who ask. All the women in our family are pretty darn awesome. Browns, Blackmans, Talbots, Hartleys, ( dont know the Williams side) Smart, strong and I think, the Best!!!
   I miss daddy, everyday.
   I miss Ward every second.
   I miss Trudy and Tommy more than they could possibly know.
  Life is often cold, but we have the power to warm the day.
 

Clean Inside and Out by Homer

  Rain has descended on the east coast, for months!! It comes with a price. A leak in the basement, and not helping my mood, at all.
   I have decided to write a little.
   You may know that my dad, Homer, died recently.
   However I may have failed to tell you everything!!
   Mom had decided on a closed coffin, her choice. We understood, dad had a lengthy illness and he did not look like someone we knew.
   I need to see a body, I need to thank that earthly body for carrying my interesting daddy for so long. The human body is a beautiful thing. I also needed to put some laxatives and tooth pick cleaners in his pocket. So we arranged for the coffin to be open a few minutes before the service, for me and my family only. ( of course that includes Derek!) We walk into the front of the little chapel, and I may have screamed, OMG daddy......you look great!! There may have been a delay before I said, You look great, because the funeral person( whom I graduated high school with! Jacksonville!!)turned ash white!! He on one side of me, Derek on the other, and Bill behind me, with my kids. Who is that is the coffin?? My father looks twenty, Jesus.....Get my brother and mother in here!! The funeral director said, " Are you sure?" By now, I have inspected every area of daddy's body that is visible!! I replied to whomever was in hearing distance, "Are you kidding me, this is a miracle!" Get my mom and brother.
     They wandered in, thinking maybe, I had lost my marbles!! knowing full well, I have so few left!! They turned the corner and I said, "Momma come see daddy, he is your young husband again!" Benjie, brother man, jaw dropped, and Mom was so happy, to see her cute young boyfriend of 70 years ago. Honestly, we did not even ask them to really 'get him ready' to see, because the coffin was to be closed. His body, without the pain, was young. He had very little gray hair, so it was combed back, so shiny black showing, James Dean or Elvis was in that coffin! His hands were soft, and cute, not a wrinkle on him. He was not embalmed, due to cremation,so we were working a time frame, because he had to stay cold. I held on to everyone, that strolled down the center aisle to visit us, telling daddy who was there to see him, out loud!! " Daddy, look here, Jane Anders is here, you loved your visits with Jane!" " Daddy look Melinda is here, we both thank you for letting her use your car, for us to cruise Main Street!" Daddy here is........showing off my daddy.
   Daddy had a very weird affection for laxatives and inter cleanliness. We think it is because Big Mama, his grandmother gave everyone enemas for even sassy talking back!! Or a fever!! You had an enema!! Dad wanted his insides to sparkle!! and he went through a ritual of flossing his teeth, all of his life. I was in charge only once, with brushing his teeth in the hospital, of course I did it wrong!!
  He had little tiny, teeth, ground down from gritting his teeth, forever! I told him there was not anything to hardly brush, and he would say, I was wrong, because ice cream, even gets caught in between his teeth!! And if you asked to borrow a floss pick!! You were allowed one!! He was a character!! I would put my hand in the bag to get ONE, and he would say, " Now you have touched them all!!" ( which may have been my point!) ( he made me laugh !)
   I put a ziplock full of his picks and high powered laxatives in his pocket!!
  Benjie, Mom and I stood at his coffin, as they were closing the lid, loving on him, thanking him, and mom told him she was so proud to be his wife. He was clean inside and out, looking like a movie star, done on this earth.
    Still hard to be without him, I saw him in a dream last night, he looked good, I asked  how he was, He smirked, half smile, and shrugged his shoulders. So I told him," well that is pretty good, right!"
  He was gone
  Homer, a legend.

I am I, Plus My Surroundings-Jose' Ortega Y Gasset (1883-1955)

  I do most everything with a notepad near, and pray for a pen to be close.
  Finishing up the Oscar movies, we were watching The Wife, yesterday.
  I heard the above line in my title, spoken and its reference to Don Quixote. I had a delayed response, will I remember this jewel?? Five or so minutes went by and I wrote down what I thought was said.
  Hours after the decent movie, with Miss Close, stellar performance, I began some research.
     I could not in, all of China, find the quote having anything to do with Quixote. However Jose' Ortega Y Gasset had written it in about 1914, using the word consequence in place of surroundings.
   Now I think he may have written a book on Meditation and Quixote, not positive.
   I like for the movies to be accurate, if you quote someone. Maybe it is from the stories of Quixote, No one even knows for sure who wrote that. All I know for sure is I liked what it said, and I borrowed it. ( I think in the world of words, you have to give credit if you borrow!! but to whom?)
    Right turn.
  My father died last week, from living a good, long life, and maybe a worn out heart. It has only been a week, and I have sea legs. Grief is so much like the ocean, waves and waves, and then still.
  I have never been without my father, all my 66 years of life. He was present, even if far away.
  Homer, my daddy, was raised by many aunts and uncles, the first grandson in a large family.They called him Sonny. Estelle Hartley his birthmom, was not in the picture, clearly. She watched him grow, from a distance. Pa, his father, had custody of daddy from early on.
   There are so many stories, of daddy jumping from rooftop to rooftop, for play.No rules or boundaries, then Pa had expectations that were extreme. A tightrope to walk, for sure. He was so handsome, like a movie star. His money he earned delivering groceries, went to staying at the movies all of Saturday, watching Cowboys. He also would tell stories of the Circus coming to town, and Joe Joe, The Dog Face Boy. Aunt Ruby, Aunt Lucille, Inus, Ustus, Essie, Herman, Beulah, Gerald, Big Mama, Big Papa, and hoards of cousins. They showered him with so much love, their Sonny Boy.
   He fell in love with Mary, my mom, in high school. I wear the friendship ring he gave her, to go steady.They were goo-goo, ga-ga in love, forever. I was conceived in Tennessee, to the tune of Patti Page singing, Tennessee Waltz. How many children, know when they were conceived and what music was playing, I would venture to say, not many. We are a sharing family!! Good, bad, ugly and beautiful, was always on the table. Daddy went to the Korean war, and never spoke of it again.
 Mom did say, over the last three or so years, he would talk about Korea more. It was a profound sadness that he carried to the grave about whatever happened in that war. I think many young men who go to war, have secrets that hurt.
  He was a parachute person. One year, we were older, he brought home an old parachute for us to use as a tent, it was beyond awesome. Daddy was a carpenter, a mechanic and an artist. I have his draftsman's table in my art studio, downstairs. I don't use it, I just like to touch it. He had a gift, that did not often come out. He was so busy working and raising a family, that being an artist was way down that totem pole.
   He taught me, how to shadow, and look at how the light hits things. He was a much better drawer than I. He told me, hands are the hardest Bonnie, remember that. So I don't do hands, He also told me eyes, take your time. They have to see, you have to paint them like they see you!! Needless to say, he was right, eyes are hard. He never let us paint, or draw, just instructed me, because I asked.
  He read many books, encouraged reading. When I think about his life, it was rich, of his own making. He played golf, watched sports, knew so much about so many different things. If he did not know the answer, he would find the answer.
   He collected Gene Autry stuff, until the house was a museum. Also Disney, he loved creative, smart people. Blue Grass music to classics. Lord, he loved music.
 Religion and politics, were not a topic for daddy. He always said, 'This country is a baby Bonnie, understand that, it may not work out." and  don't even get him started on organized religion, The Pope, or The Royals!!
     I do not like to type, He was. Even if that is the truth.
    I like to think, I am I, plus my surroundings, is daddy.
    Homer was Homer, happy in his place in history.
    We are happy we were in his surroundings.
    What a pain and a promise of laughter he still remains.
    Love continues.