#BeOtherwise

   I saw this hashtag during the holidays, that said my age group of people will go down fighting,
                                             #BeOtherwise
   Instead of giving old age the free reign of destruction, we have decided to do otherwise. Or in staying with my title, Be Otherwise! ( I truly don't get hashtags, but I like them, sooo there you go!)
   Your teeth, eyesight and bones, are the first to want to jump ship, but we have a gazillion doctors and dentists for that. We have wrinkle creams, that breed like rabbits, to take a line or two away. Botox and fillers, can be your friend, but you may lose a kidney to pay for it. We have so many options, choices, decisions to make.
   We stay current, and are well read. ( I think we may be the last generation to read, #sad) ( Is that how you use hashtags?)( or is it more like #sadchildrenwhowillneverbedoctors) ( lord, this is fun, I see an entire hashtag blog coming soon!) We are educated and awesome, may have some substance abuse problems, but remember we have doctors!
   We have kept moving, I hope, in body and spirit. We have questioned everyone and have high expectations. We have liberal hearts, and if you don't??#somethingwentwrongwithyourDNA. Peace, Love and Harmony are in all of us, some deeper down then others.
    We were on the cusp of this technology that has taken us to all kinds of crazy, love it and hate it, at the same time. ( #verygoodmultitaskersarewe)

    As I take down the Christmas decorations, and think about the New Year, I feel so thankful to be a Baby Boomer! To have seen so much, and know that my voice counts, is fantastic. To follow The Yellow Brick Road and The Yellow Submarine to all corners of the world, growing and learning.
   To have my children turn out to be seriously the best people I have ever known, is just wonderful.
   They touch my heart, often, all those sleepless nights pay off! If you can make it through the hard stuff, and you can!
   This year is going to be my year of light! I like to have themes, to keep me focused.(#bornandraisedinFLoridaneedIsaymore)
    I wish you all a Happy New Year(not sure what year it will be, I will have to look it up, retirement!)
    Hope you have many Baby Boomers in your life, that are born givers and teachers, listen to their stories, we are very interesting people.(yes we have huge flaws!!we will tell you about them! Learn from us!)
    Celebrate each day, graciously looking for something positive, its not so easy, but oh so worth it.
    Vote with your head and your heart, don't try and separate the two. #Itstimeforawomanpresidentperiod!
    I guess I should go back to taking down Christmas, it is like putting away a friend.
    Happy New Year

please note all photos are off the internet, my undoing Christmas is not for the faint of heart

Light It Up!

       Each morning, during December, I walk down the stairs to lights.
       Christmas tree lights, one in the dinning room, that I stop at and say "Good Morning."
        I turn right and go into the Living room, Den/TV room, whatever it is called these days, and see the other tree in all of its brightness. I think most, if not all people, enjoy lights. Christmas lights, porch lights, night lights, shine on me!! I love lights. The question I have, is why is this a once a year big bag of lights, not an everyday occurrence? Would we tire of the splendor? Would we not pay attention, and just expect this flood of lights around each corner? How could that ever be a bad thing?

      Early in this month, my family went to see the lights at a new outdoor shopping area near us. We went early and slowly ate, so it would be dark when we went outside, and bam!! The lights were on, people were smiling, kids were ice skating, the night radiated joy. That can never be bad, so why take them down?
      Yes, the Christmas trees can come down, but the white lights strung from store to store, big giant acorns hanging from real trees, can they stay? Let there be light, and it was good.

       We all need sunshine, and a few strings of lights would not hurt you.
        I think the year 2016 will be my year of lights!! Real and metaphorically. People need our light, positive glimmer of helping each other with a clearness of spirit!!

        So this Christmas, light your trees or your hedges, keep them up an extra day. Keep the candles burning, and share your light.

         I can feel you glowing from where I sit!!

         Merry Christmas at little early, no delayed gratification here! It Christmas each day of the year!!

Away In A Manger

    While waiting for the fog to lift, in hot Atlanta, I decided to download some of my photos and chat.
    I think most of them I will post on Facebook, I like to spread my wealth.
    This bliggity blog is about my son, Hart's nativity masterpiece.

   
  I think he did this in early Sunday school class. Maybe 4 years of age, and huge leaps ahead of the pack.
  All of my children hated Sunday school, until years later when donuts were introduced. This jewel of art, of our saviors birth was pre-donuts! So it even holds a higher place on my nativity scale.
  I like that through the years, Mary has tried to lay down, she is tired!!! Joseph has the biggest smile, and the sheep is very puffy! The backdrop of shinny blue is still holding strong and there are a few pieces of hay still in the manger.

My very favorite is baby Jesus, who is wrapped, I think, in hospital gauze!!!

I like that Hart saw fit, to make the baby in the manger, a little chubby. As a mom, you always want your children well fed! so I appreciated his thoughtfulness, that no skinny Jesus was going in our manger.
  Hart turned 31 this year, and I still drag out this precious shoebox manger. The Christmas season, is so full of memories, Hallmark moments all around.
    I fondly remember mom's nativity set, that I played with like paper dolls. Hours were spent moving and setting up the manger on Kenmore Street. Each year it seemed, there was a piece missing, I think Tommy may have buried them in the yard, with his plastic army men. Mom's Jesus was stuck to the manger, and I always thought that was a big design flaw.
   I love the baby in the manger, and that he can be moved, into our hearts.
  

Hang Onto Your Antlers!

      My blog, is a personal snippet, of my comings and goings. My heart's delight, and even my broken heart. Stories from me to me, and maybe you. I wish that they could all be funny and full of cheer, but that is not how this roller coaster rides. So let me warn you, this entry, may not be for the faint of heart. BUT I have to get it out, purge or explode. This is my therapy, and the cost is free. Your choice to read, or unplug, now that is a bargain.

    There is an elephant in the room, and it has a big Trump!
    I do not like to talk about this man, or give him any of my minutes on this earth, but this creature has gone to far. I keep waiting for the Republican Party, to stop this, hate monger, and people are scared of him.
    I think he is just, the school bully, with a fat bank account. He is mean, he is just a mean man.
    An astute business man, maybe? I do think he put people out on the streets, to buy property in New York, his tacky Trump Towers. ( OK, I went in, its not tacky, its over GOLD!) I had a friend many years ago, that wrote a story about him, and how he had hurt so many New Yorkers, Selma Hazouri if you read this, I remember your writing.
     He has no answers, only that he is a Winner, which is the same thing Charlie Sheen said, and I think he went away in  a straight jacket.
     What bothers me more, is the people that think he may be an asset to our country. Who are these people? They tend to be overly religious, white, uneducated, are there any polls about this group of people?
      I don't know, that is a question?
      I know people feel desperate, they want their guns, I believe you can have a gun if you like, but maybe you need to be vetted.
      Our country was built on its diversity, you can not ban whole groups of people.
      Mr. Trump is a pot stirrer, and people are drinking the Kool Aid!
 
  When ever I played a tennis match, I always wanted an opponent to be very good, it made me a better player. I feel like the Republican Party is in need of some decent people, because after The Elephant in the room, the others are riding the crazy train. This Cruz clown, is out of his mind. The Dr, may have operated on peoples brains, but his is missing some working cells, I can not even listen to his voice. Rubio, I feel like is not  horrible but I have banned the news in my house, so I cannot learn anything about him! Trump has sucked the life out of the Republican party. Bush, should have never run, he destroyed Florida, and his mom ( whom I like) should have said NO to that boy of hers. Are there others, it is a nest of nuts, and I feel kind of bad for the two party system. I'm a very liberal democrat, so its not my party, but how can I be better at the game, if you have nothing on the other side of the net?

I feel like things will get better, surely my faith in humans will not allow this man, to keep talking and acting so ugly. Its scary. Yes I know you can go on and on about Hillary, I know her flaws and I still think she is and can be great. I like Bernie also, he is my kind of liberal, but like I said, I don't want you all to go off the deep end, I care about you, and YOU know who you are.
 
  This is not funny to me, this stuff is serious, and we need a plan A,B,C, and D.
  Now that I have vented a tad, I will try and keep politics off my blog, if possible???!!!

  If you know me, that will be hard, but...I will try....Joy To The World
  Peace, and Good Will towards all men, women and children
  And Animals!!! FaLaLaLaLa tee da!

There Are Some Things You Don't Come Back From. Say Ye So, A Nighean?

     It has come to my attention, that I have not let you know about what I have been reading for over a month of Sundays. Let me just explain, that I have been to Scotland and back. Thank You N and P, for your guidance in my voyage. You always set my sail, in the right direction. Mo nighean dom, Mo chridhe.

  For the life of me, I do not know how the series, The Outlander books did not come to consume me, at an earlier time. I can only surmise that my children were front and center on my brain, or work. However, normally that has never stopped me from reading . Well, somehow I missed reading them, until now.

Over the summer, my girls asked me if I had seen The Outlanders on TV, and I shook my head no, when they leaped over the lunch table, to insist that I go binge watch, that afternoon. Which I most certainly did, after my entire family was called in, to help me download the series, or purchase it! ( I did not know we had that channel on the TV) ( or on my IPAD) A few hours later, I sat and watched, no pee breaks were had.

I then, screamed, this comes from a book, Kindle Store and eight books later, here I type.

Usually I like to read the books first, but this was fun to have a glimpse of the characters in my minds eye. I was invested before I turned a page.
   I feel sure, that most of the population has read these books, so I will just say, that I may start them over again. Historical fiction, and eight books, with a leading character that,( how can I say this??) wears Fraser plaid, extremely well. ( only my girls, know the rest!)

I have researched, The Highland Clans, colors and language. The history is amazing, and I thank god, I did not live back in those times, BUT.....
It was so hard for women, and people did not bathe enough!!, I had a hard time looking at even my Jamie with dirty hair! ( I know Natty, you told me, you were from France and that did not bother you so much!) ( I fell out laughing!)

This has been a grand experience with reading, television, and of course joy shared with friends. A perfect combination. I will leave you with some private words to ponder...
  An ni chi na big, 's e ni na big.
  Bidh an t-ubhal as fhearr air a mheangan as airde.
  De an t-ainm a th'ort.
  Sealbh math dhuit!
  Tha, began.
  Ta' tu' an-chroga
  Eist moran agus can beagun

  Take some time to read and enjoy, this wonderful day, I know I will!

I Wasn't Expecting That-Jamie Lawson

     In the song, that is my above title, the lyrics talk about all the beautiful things that we never give credit to.
Yes it ends on a sad note, this love story of a song, but causes you to smile and think.
     I find that this time of year, the fall/winter holidays, I have to pause and think, much more.
I think when you first here the song, your mind goes to bad things that you did not expect. Now turn that around and say the same words, about all the good things we were not expecting, and they happen.

I wasn't expecting my life long friend to die, even knowing he suffered from ALS, I dwell in La-La land, when bad things are surrounding me. What I truly wasn't expecting was he was buried by his parents, and that gave me so much comfort. I did not expect to enjoy the drive and the little town, traveling to the funeral.
I wasn't expecting a darling shop, all decorated for Christmas, and I could find some ornaments for my tree, that will forever remind me of my friend. Plus, plus, plus.

I was expecting my father to die, everyday for the past two months. What I wasn't expecting was he has survived, is in a nursing place of rehab, and there is a small light of hope.

I wasn't expecting to find joy in shopping, because I hate to shop, but the people that helped me recently were darling, helpful, young, cute, so alive and happy. It was very contagious.

I wasn't expecting November to be so warm, and I thank her.

I wasn't expecting to love my Christmas decorations, each year, after the burden to put them up, gets harder.
They are beautiful, and all in the right place, giving me a reason to be still and in awe.

While out at a movie with the hubs yesterday, I wasn't expecting the male actor, from the back, looked like My Ward. I looked over at Bill and asked him, if he thought the same way, and he did. Funny that you know your child's body, forever. I grabbed that frame in the movie and held on. No I was not expecting that. It was not so terribly sad, it was a lost feeling, but I knew what to do with it. Grief and I know each other, on first name basis. She just doesn't control me, wasn't expecting that.

Oh these months of holiday hoopla come upon us, so quickly and are over just as soon. I want to find something everyday, to be thankful for, not just at Thanksgiving. I wish to pay attention all around me, and wonder if Mary was expecting that? A baby in a manger, can not be a fun thing, the smell, hay everywhere, A husband you don't know, did she know what was going to be? God Bless her, I would have pitched a fit.
   I like the idea of the three kings bringing gifts, but no room in the Inn? Joseph would still be looking, if he were my new hubs, and we were both seeing angels!!! God Bless you Mary, I know you are supporting Planned Parent Organizations. I will set out my several nativity pieces, minus the hay! and sing loud all the Christmas songs about your boy. You are an amazing women, I salute you.

As usual I may tend to stray in my stories, but you get my main idea, even if you have to hang on for dear life!

   Expect the wonderful, all the Hark you can gather, this season of Joy, THAT, I was expecting.

          

Joy In The Morning

 Wallace Morning Bowen, Jr. died early this week. He was my friend, who had the best middle name ever.
  We all called him 'Wally'. He was a father, a brother, an uncle, a hero, a brilliant man, and to me he was just 'Wally'.
   I would say from a very early age he was competitive. Having known him since kindergarten age, we went to church together. Anderson Methodist church, on the corner, near the library. Close to The Polar Bear!!!
Maybe it was Pearl Street, not that it is important, just sometimes my mind wanders....
  In early Sunday school classes, we mainly played games, he tried to beat me at musical chairs every week!!
Later in his life, sports would consume him, and watch out people, he was going to win, or die trying. Tennis, Baseball, Football ( he was our quarterback) ( we won every game), and basketball, probably more. I think as an adult he kept up all his sports, and added running. He was competitive, even to himself.
  Our names both beginning with the letter 'B', he sat behind me in far toooo many classes, my whole life.
  We would argue over grades and anything else we could think of. In Mr. Cipolats class, on many occasions, we would fight for his attention ( we both loved history and attention!) I passed him his test paper and he had 'A' and I may have had a 'C', he would smile, and when it got quiet, I would whisper, "I had a date last night, Bowen, don't mess with me!" Then he would hit me with the pencil, we were like brother and sister all of our lives.
   The last time he spent the night at our house, in Atlanta, he could still walk, but his arms and hands were limp, and not working, so well. We had a great visit, no subject was left upturned.He would look at me, some before he spoke, like " Can I say this in front of your husband?"  I would laugh hard, " Bill married me, and all of you and our stories, Go for it!!!"
  Upon leaving, we stood outside alone, hugging for way too long. He pulled back a little, looking at me in the eye and said, " I know what you are doing, trying to remember me, my smell, my looks, take in all of me! well stop it, Let me Go!" I saw him again, at his 60th birthday party, Susan and I, got lost, but we were there loving on that boy.
         OK, you win Wally, I have to let you go. ALS took you from us, but only your body, we are left with the best.
      You will always be a worker bee, for all the right reasons.
       Thank you for the pleasure of knowing you and loving you.
       I say this for myself and all of the Class of 70, you will always be our hero.

       I end with this Mary Oliver poem. ( We sometimes forget how much you loved the arts)
                                               I go down to the shore in the morning
                                               and depending on the hour the waves
                                               are rolling in or moving out,
                                               and I say, oh, I am miserable,
                                               what shall-
                                               what should I do? And the sea says
                                                in its lovely voice:
                                               Excuse me, I have work to do.
    

Grab A Scarf

    This morning in the year 2015, France has been under attack.
    Some over or under religious fanatics, who decide to kill people.
    I can not wrap my head around it, this violence and hatred, wherever it occurs. Lifting Gods name and an automatic assault rifle, I don't get it. It matters not to me, what religion this violence is associated with, it is full blown crazy, and in Paris, damn you people.
    This city is beloved by me, and millions. I learned to wear a scarf in Paris, walk with a different gait. The city welcomed my love of black attire, and plentiful pastries. Paris is old, and broken and delicious. Cigarette smells around each corner, and people of all nationalities sit at outdoor cafes. Wine flows like water, followed by coffee, and fatigue. Baguettes in one hand, and flowers in the other. Art drips off of every surface, and history beckons you. Paris is alive, day and night, a place many wish to visit and do.
   I count myself lucky, to have spent a week or more in and around Paris.

   So on this day of grief, I remember the beauty. I walk to Jardin des Tuileries, a million times in my mind, my favorite spot. Sit around the fountain, for hours. Walk towards the Merry Go Round, just to look at it turn circles. Wrapped in a blanket some days, and an umbrella on others, I always ended up back at the Tuileries. We were there in spring, flowers were blooming, even in the melancholy gray weather, Paris was alive. People move, and move some more. So much walking, and exploring, this feeling of the past and present at each step. Many morning I sat at the church of the Tuileries, face to the sky, thanking God for such a place. I hold tight to this feeling, this morning.

    These people who have lost people, and a city surrounded by fear. I am thinking of you today. I also think about the hearts of the people who did this crime on humanity, and ache for your hatred. I don't know what causes this pain that you must have, I want it to go away. All people have to talk and figure this out, you can not take peoples lives. AND you can not take my Paris, I sit at the gardens, look up at the sky and hope against all odds for a miracle. I believe in human beings, I shall grab my scarf and be still and know. 

Remain Calm and Share Your Bananas-Anne Lamott

          I have just recently returned from the hospital circus. My sweet-ish daddy has been in sick, so sick, for going on five or six weeks. Yesterday he was moved into a place of rehab and recovery. He has a long road ahead of him, but like his doctor said, " Mr. Blackman, you have made it to 84 years, why stop now?"
   Friends and family have stepped up to the caregiver plate, with love and hard work. I have tried to remain calm and share my banana!
   I think my primary job was to be with mom, and we enjoyed ourselves. I took over daddy's chair and drove the golf cart without permission! We laughed so hard, without stopping. After last Saturday, and dad calling for Hospice, we were not sure the laughs would come. BUT in our family, we turn everything into something funny. My brothers and I have a wicked sense of humor, with no boundaries. Our goal, is to laugh much more then cry. If you ever see us crying, beware because we are about to make you laugh for hours. When we left the hospital after many difficult hours, I asked my mom, " Are we funny people?" She said, " You and your brothers, are insane!" in my world, that means extremely amusing. We really just try to out do each other, and if you happen to be in the room, sick or not, you will be a part of the circus.
   We turned, bathed him, combed his hair like Elvis, used up all the hospitals germ dispenser soap, found the crushed ice machine, feed him jello, stuck hands in yucky things, invented a new diaper, and listened to his stories that Lewis Carroll may have written! We drove, got nauseated, visited with people, made friends with housekeeping lady, goo-goo eyed a couple of doctors, and texted Emma that she needed to be up here! They were Indian and cute! T said he was member of The SlapAHo Tribe, and I think we were talking about dad's respect for Native Americans! I dropped some jello on dad's gown and he lost it! He hates sticky! I asked him if he wanted me to lick it, and he closed his eyes, and mouth! My feeding duty was over, he hollered, " Where is Mom!"
    Mom you have done everything for this man, I think it was your generation and now he wants us to be like you! We are so not like you mom, and that is OK. We love him to pieces, and expect him to feed himself! When I asked him, if he could feed himself, he said, " Yes, I can, I just don't want to!" Have mercy!
  He still has a private nurse at night to get him a cup of water! Yes, that's my dad, getting better each day.
 I promise to remain calm and share my banana, and Homer stories!
 My brothers and I, are so thankful for our parents, and for all the material they provide!!

What Do You Bring To The Table?

   Jim Parsons, Sheldon on The Big Bang, was on Inside The Actors Studio in the wee hours of the morning, so I sat with pen in hand. He is quirky and enjoyable, and left me with my thought for today.
 He was asked about his choices in his life, and this is what he said, " I am always aware of what I bring to the table." The banquet we call life, requires us to show up, and decide WHAT we are bringing to the table.
   Its November,  tables will soon be filled with the smells and tastes of Thanksgiving. Plus the chatter of friends and families, gathered together by force or good will. Some of us, will have a simple table, and others will fill several rooms. What exactly do we bring, everyday to the table?
    So here are my thoughts on the subject, during this rain soaked day.
 I bring 63 years of living on this earth.
I carry with me, the love of music, good books and art.
I have packed, school memories and friends from long ago.
My mom and dad are still at my table, although dad, being so ill, says he wants to leave us.( we support you daddy, but.....you know I will hold on tight)
The careers that I have been so lucky to have had, still bring me such knowledge, love of education and medicine will always be huge part of my life.
My husband, five kids, two g-kids, 3 daughter-in-laws, now that is a story! Having love for my humans. Mom, Momma, Uma, Bonnie, Bon-Bon, Bon Von Baroness, Bonnie Kay ( if I am in trouble), Nurse ( from worm) I love all my names, and they come with me. ( yes I have been called a few bad names, they hang onto my shoes as I walk, a part of me but under my feet!) ( Being a Bitch is not always a bad thing!!) (smarty pants, bossy, these are not bad names!!) ( I am moving them up to at least my waist, they certainly may be the napkin ring on my table!)
Love of makeup, and hair dye hitch a ride, since I was about 12!
Love of religions around the globe, History, English, you never stop learning, I love it!
I love Jesus, he is a friend of mine. I also am a Buddhist, a seeker of answers, and a receiver of many.
My table is large and long, overflowing with love, and sadness.
France sits with me often, what a grand adventure travel is.
The smell of the Ocean, and sunshine on my skin, may be hid under this sweater I have on, but its there!
I need light, and laughter.
Laughter and more laughter, fills my cup, along with Christmas Carols!!
I stroll with bad dance moves and a terrible singing voice, yet I will be the first one to climb a stage and sing with the band!!
What Do You Bring To The Table?
A thought for you today.
Be prepared for anything.
Thankful for you.
B

Socks On, Socks Off

    Yesterday was the first morning I had to enter my sock drawer.
As much as I was grateful to have so many to choose from, I resented the reason.
The air was too cold for my feet, and I frowned.
   Then I remembered the weekend, that I had just spent with my daddy.
How many times did he ask me to take on and off, his Big Bird yellow socks! A million times one, and I was glad to do it. You see my dad, took a turn for deaths door, last Friday. My Hubs and I, left in a hurry and arrived at St. Vincents Hospital ICU, to spend an hour or forever the night! When we walked through the empty halls of a hospital at night, we found him tied to a bed, and combative. I asked the nurse, what is this about, and I preceded to undo his restraints. ( Emma said I was not there five minutes before I was breaking the rules!) ( and, is that wrong?) He was calm while Bill and I were there, and he would not pull anything out or off!! I assured the young nurse. I learned all their names, as I watched Homer(daddy) gasp for air. He is not in pain, he just is sick, sick, sick. Kidneys not working well, and abscess in his abdomen from cancer surgery, and his lungs are filled with yuck. There was no air going to his brain so, he was Off Center!!! talking about quarters and mickey mouse, and his escape route from the hospital. In no uncertain terms, these people were trying to kill him, and it broke my heart. So whatever he wanted, I and all my family would do for him.
   I brushed his teeth, too hard and then too soft!
   I washed his hair the best I could, and asked him if he wanted me to shave him? "Hell No" was his answer.( he had his moments of clarity) I picked his nose to near perfection,however there was nothing in his nose, and he did not like my excuse that "Your nose is just dry from the oxygen, I cleaned it good!"
  Then I asked him, if I could get in the bed with him, and he looked at me, then looked at all the wires and hoses and bags attached to him! " Where would you go, Bonnie, there is no room!" he whispered. " I would find a way, to comfort you, I will lay on my side" me trying to pester him. " I'm good" and he rolled his eyes! ( now I know where I get that eye rolling skill)
His feet were cold and hot, and his socks came on and off. He has clothes , shoes and sock claustrophobia and I understand it, I have the same thing!!! I think its a Florida thing, we don't do a whole lotta clothes. the nurse said , "Who took his socks off?" Well, that would me, I told her that I was sitting right next to him, and I promise to put them back on in five minutes. Then I went on to explain our claustrophobia issues, I think she may have been looking for me some meds. A little later, I went to the desk, looking for many Styrofoam cups, and this young aide ( he could have been from housekeeping, I grabbed all people to help me) I explained that my father liked to pee in the cups, the big plastic, hard urinal is hurting him, and I will empty the cup in the urinal, so you can collect his pee.( I know what I'm doing people) He dropped his eyebrows, like, "Are you kidding me??" " What is your name, sweetness, I think I will be needing you" chirped me.
" David", he mumbled. They staff had removed his call button, maybe over use? and his phone?? so I gave these two items, back to him. " I explained to, I think it was Kenny, that he just likes control of the clickers, like at home. They are under his blanket, safe on his chest, if you are in need of them.( tired of quotations marks... you know I am talking!)
  We left that night around 1am, and I spoke sweetly but firm, " Treat my daddy nice while I'm gone, like he was your daddy. Talk nice to him, baby him!" ( now I bring back the quotations, I think I may be weary) the entire unit turned around and smiled.
   We returned early on Saturday, and Sunday and he had gone down hill. It is very difficult to watch your mother hurt so much, and your father. Doctors were careful not to offer much hope, but we like to hold onto hope. NEVER put me in charge of unplugging my loved ones, because I will take you home and you will live forever, as a vegetable . Just jot down that fact, put someone else in charge!
   Bill and I drove home, and I get a call from my brother, that I most probably will have to turn around. I told him I knew that, but I need to go home and get some ducks in a row. I will hope on a plane, we just silently cried and said " This is just awful!"
     Next morning, think it was Monday, mom calls early, and I slowly answer the phone, knowing what is going to be said, " Bonnie, dad just called me, wondering whats going on?" WHAT ARE YOU SAYING! he had made a small turn, let go of the door handle of death, and has decided to stay for a spell. It could be a day, or twenty, none of us know, but we will take it. Today is Wednesday ( it could be Thursday,?? you know I don't look at the months or days) and mom said he ate last night real food, he has not had anything to eat for three weeks. They are giving him some blood today, and playing the cards we are dealt. In three days, he has baby steps of improvement.
   My father believes in the Native Americans faith in Mother Earth. I want him to know that many have prayed for him in all walks of faith, I prayed to the river outside of his hospital room, to guide him and soothe his body, then hit the chapel and went knees down. I thank God, we can still find things to laugh about, my family is forever laughing, and I shout to the rooftops for that blessing.
  Dad kept saying all weekend, " Feet on the Floor!, Feet on the Floor!" and guess who was in charge of the socks!! ME!
   I love you daddy, be sweet to the nurses and doctors, and call me if you need me.
                                 Bonnie  ( I know you can dial the phone!!!)

Tuesday Morning With Bonnie

   Each early morning, I ask my husband what his plans are for the day. I know them, but I like to look interested, and I am, semi alert and thoughtful. He is either teaching or in meetings, or researching ways to teach very smart kids, at Georgia Tech. ( this is his second job, after I would not let him retire!) ( he was too young to retire, and you need a hobby!)( Bell labs and Lucent had his young mind, now Dr. Bill teaches people like him, its a beautiful thing) ( sorry, off track)  Then as he heads out the door, he routinely asks me, what are my plans? I perk up, and say, " Just stirring around."
    I covered myself back up on the couch, because, you know I am freezing. Talked to Emma, my mom and Bill again, texting some crazy something about Front Line Flea and Tic medicine for the dog! I barely have any time to stir!!!! So I got up, picked up a tad, around the house, told Lucy I was going upstairs to bathe, and visit with the cats. When I entered my bedroom, I sat down to think about The Outlander Series of books and program. ( only Perlotta and Bernacious  will understand this) and I thought.....Jamie Fraser would not have me make up my bed!!! nor would I have to wash my hair everyday!! It was the 1700's...but all that wool....and damp cold Scotland......Oh hells bells, let me make up the bed.
   After my brief shower, and some new face cream that my daughter-in-law, Emily, has turned me onto(www.beautycounter.com/emilybaron) I sat AGAIN, looking at my face. This all natural beauty line, is unbelievable, my skin looks great and feels fantastic.( I bet my complexion would not be so rosey and clear in Lollybrach.

 ( read the books)  I knew I needed to touch base with my blog family, about 200 people a week read my blogs, a few follow it, and I need it, so here am I!!
  But material, a little low, so I just wanted to share my morning with you.
In my book of notes, I have a quote about God not making any of us Ordinary. We are all extraordinary, I thought that was neat. I like to feel extra special. Tim Tebow was the person who said this quote, but I dont know where it came from originally??!!
  Also while praying this morn, while making up my bed, this is what I said OUT LOUD, " I don't know why I have faith, (my son died and I think God could have helped him more and me!), but I do. Make sure my parents feel safe and secure. I think all my people are where they are suppose to be, so thank you and please, if they don't ask you, I am asking for them, keep them in the palm of your hand. Whenever you see, my Ward, tell him Iam OK, and I don't hurt as much. I don't want him to worry. I miss him everyday, and I will tell you, I think you did not answer my prayers, yet I still believe in you. God, you are a mystery and we will always talk, but losing a child, is just awful. Anyway...I have things to do, Love and look after the whole world, its big, I know, but ....we need guidance, thanks,
                                                                                B

   It is not even 11:00, my schedule is right on task. Need to check on Daddy, he is in St. Vincents Hospital, now, 84 has not been kind to him, so I keep praying!( God , are you hearing me!!) Mom is home, weak and sad, ( Mary Blackman, 8561 Moncrief-Dinsmore Rd. Jacksonville, Florida 32219, if you want to send her a card) 84 has also knocked her for a loop!!( JESUS, help us, Joseph and Mary, pass on the info)
 Few Dr. appointments to make, T and A, OBGYN and MAMMO!! need to see the Dermatologist too, get out the paints, and read a few pages, its a good day. The sun is out, bright as can be, October is here and she is beautiful, in Georgia.
   Supper is made, so I can hang back, and soak up some Joy.
   Thanks for spending some time with me
   May you connect the dots in all the right places.  

                      Quotes are from Tuesdays with Morrie, from where I borrowed the title of this blog.                                                     

Giddy, With A Little Tug

    Good Saturday morn, I wrote this blog yesterday, but it stills fits on the page, today.
       In the very early 1970's, around 72 ish, S and I lived on LaSalle Street in San Marco, near the deli.
    It was one of my favorite apartments, one of many. I remember glorious days of being young and foolish. Thrown in were some terrible heartaches, we were stupid in love, and I would pull out Jackson Browne. Boones Farm and very good pot, may have been a culprit of melancholy, or...just young love. Jackson Browne was my "Wailing Music", S, I think leaned towards Joni Mitchell, we both had our albums in categories!!! Dance, Love and misery!!! Crosby, Stills, Nash and YOUNG!! would often end up on the turn-table, into the wee hours. We really had so much fun.
 Today one of my bucket lists people, gets checked off.

 Jackson Browne, in the open air of Chastain in Atlanta, rain or shine. (looks like rain, throw out the nice hair-do!) ( but cute lavender rain clogs!!!) My heart will burst of times long ago, and find utter Joy of "right now". I think he will say, " Its good to see your smiling face tonight!" ( it will be raining,  he will not know, I will be crying my eyeballs out!) No Fountain of Sorrow, in whatever seat I am not sitting in!
  I asked Bill if he knows we are going to a concert tonight? ( he is sitting right behind me, on his computer)
"Who are we seeing?" he mumbles, not looking up. Me, "Jackson Browne, do you know who he is?" I hear nothing. " Why do I ask you to go with me to concerts?" said I. He replied, " Just to watch you have a great time!!" That is so sweet, while he is sleeping at the concert, he looks at me occasionally and shares my joy!!
   I will dance and sing to the heavens, and My Bill enjoys the ride.
      .....and when the evening rolls around
   I'll go on home and lay my body down
      ....and when the morning light
          comes streaming in...
  I'll get up and do it again....
          Amen.......
  The Pretender-JB

     

Cords and Coffee

 Taking care of your parents, when they live, not around the corner, is never easy. Certainly I am not the first child to move away from where they were born. By plane, its about a 45 min flight and a three hour ordeal, at the airport. The drive is five or six hours, and my driving skills have gone south with my eyesight. I can drive it, but I will be in a coma for a couple of days in recovery. Back hurts, legs cramp, eyes strained, and stress level is about Code Red, just getting through Atlanta! I go the back roads from Tifton, and can release the grip on the wheel. It may be a little longer, but my sanity may remain intact, by arrival.
  This last trip down, was pretty decent a drive, with my Emma driving me down, and she flew back the next day. Then at the end of my stay, I hit the road about 5am, and could not see the road, until around 8. However once the sun was up, and my music was cranked, I had a pretty sweet trip. Only twice did I feel like I was either off the road, or a semi was about to hit me, so that my friends is a huge successful trip.
  You may ask where are you going with this Bon-Bon? " No Where!" I smile as I type, my knee is throbbing, and another story arises from the ash!
  I have come to the realization that I only require two things to survive, Cords and Coffee. At least while taking daddy to doctors, and hospital visit. ( not totally true, my brother making me laugh for hours, was the cream on the top) While checking daddy into surgery last Wednesday, I gave them my name as the patient. So when they called Baron, several times, we looked at each other, like what a coincidence. Then screamed a little, and ran up to the desk, trying to explain, that I gave them the wrong name. That was my first sign of two many cords and coffee. I think I was on my fourth cup AND...I had a zip-lock bag of cords, in my purse that weighed thirty pounds. Dad could not walk to the next surgery unit, we were in the lines at Disney world, minus Mickey!!!! so I asked for a wheelchair, and person to drive him. That left me with his walker and my purse, to follow. I put my purse on one handle of the walker and I on the other handle, and off we went. Twisting and turning down several alcohol smelling hallways, when the purse took over the walker. Down I went, knees first, then wrist and almost face, to the surgery floor!!!! Now I had everyone in a white coats attention, as dad just sat there. I assured them I was OK, and continued on. I think we had increased attention in that area, due to dads limitations and my graceful way of constantly falling.( Brother man, was forced to come to the hospital to take care of sissy!) ( I wanted him there anyway) ( Tommy you should have been with us!!) ( Baby brother was in charge of mom, we have to divide and conquer)
   Dad goes back to surgery, Benjie and I begin the wait!!! I pull out my bag of cords, plugging into every outlet known to man, and charging UP!!! I had to be ready. For what , I do not know. Take photos, text mom hundreds of times, keep everyone in the loop, read my kindle, use my IPAD to do research on song lyrics about Elton John's song, Rocket man!( only my brother, Pocket Man, will get this) I told B that I think the cords, did me in. Sent the walker over, you know I will never blame my bag!! I love my purse!! Mom said, "Get rid of that purse!" NOOOOOoooooo   it was just overstocked with electronics, and cords. It was hospital ready. I know that kids now, the young people of the planet, use the term "Hooked Up!" to mean something, I think sexual?? I think we called it getting laid, but all generations have a term!! My hooked up means, a big bag of cords, that took me to the floor! but it was worth it ( I wonder if young ones can say that!! It was worth it??? Just wondering) I woke B up in the waiting room, he looked like a damn corpse with his mouth open, " Can you get me some coffee?" My drugs of choice, coffee and cords, and maybe call X-ray for a portable picture of my knee!! Honestly, life can be so very simple, at the most complex of times. I think that is how we learn to manage, survive and still find joy. ( more hospital stories to come!!) Oh and dad is home, think he left AMA, another story!! You can count on it!!

What Is That Smell?

  I am sitting here, in Florida, at my parents computer, in a cave of darkness!!(they don't turn on many lights!)
  Both of my parents, whom are 84, are not well. My daddy has colon surgery tomorrow, and I, at this time, am on duty.
 There is a smell in the air. Not the deep smell of humidity that hangs over all of Florida, but something I can not put my finger on.
 My parents home, is not where I grew up, so its not the smells of my youth. My mom does not cook anymore, so those smells are gone. The smell of Pledge and Pinesol are long gone, the heavy cleaning days, behind them. What is that smell?
  It is the smell of age and experience? Does that have an odor? Do memories retain a smell, emotions? Does peace of mind and heart smell?
  Yes, we are worried about dad and mom, maybe concerned would be a better word, yet we continue to laugh, and have a calm about us.
  I love to look at them, their pale eyes that look so far away, I think about what all they have seen, and if at this time in their life, fear rears its ugly head? The wrinkles and crippled gait, move slowly, but still forward.
 I believe I smell love. The love of a child, and her parents. The love of years gone by, and love to get us through this time of pain. Does love smell? I think it does, with every breathe we take, knowing and loving people. Loving friends and family with all the flaws highlighted, and still we love.
 What a tapestry of life these two have pieced together, I can smell it and its LOVE.

Why Was She Dancing?

  No reason.
Just alive, I guess.
                      -George Saunders


 This morning, during my second cup of coffee, I had a moment! ( I have many moments!) This thought, made me smile. " I think it is September!" thought I, out loud.
I know it is September.....but maybe I forgot....that means I was still in August and it was perfect.
I continued the talk with my self, thinking, " Gosh, I need to blog, I like to get in at least one a week, and could do three, with all my material, but I have other needs!" What haven't I shared? as of late?
     My trip with my daughter, Emma, to see Ed Sheeran, was life altering. ( she would say, "that would be everything to you mom!") (Hmmm...) Can I help it, if most things in life bring me so much happiness!?
    I could tell she was nervous, when I said, " Oh an aisle seat, now I will have more room to dance!"
I am a dancer, tap, ballet, jazz, hip-hop, fox trot, tango, slow slow slow dancing, ( like at the youth center! in our tweens) Am I a good dancer? Who would be judging me? I feel the music and let it go. Yes, Em was nervous, but with a smile. She did say something about a certain way I was holding my hands, and I explained that I was holding them up to the lord! Because "I had been to the mountain top! with Ed's music"
Seriously, I grab my heart when someone plays a guitar from his toes! This was a one man show, he took me to the aisle! and sister girl, just let me go! It helped, I think? that Mr. Sheeran said, that what he wanted most of all from the audience, was utter abandon, dance and sing as much as you want!! I looked at my child, and gave her a look, " I am so IN!" It was a beautiful night, and we ( notice I said we!, I think she! may have moved a little!)( She did sing all the songs!) were drained, with joy, as we found our way back home.
   There are some things, that don't require a reason. I think dancing and singing is one of these things, just do it! Release those pent up demons of stress, put on some music and shake your groove thang!
  Or pretend you are slow dancing, to Johnny Mathis, or Surfer Girl by The Beach Boys. I know you know the words.
  Get out of the box, and listen to Rap and Hip-Hop, there is a depth behind the beat and words, that we need to hear. Buy some tap shoes, there is nothing better, then to make some noise!!
 Two songs that I loved this summer, Cheerleader by Omi,, just so awesome and....I Can't Feel My Face by The Weekend, you have to know and hear these, and sing and dance, and think it may still be August!
Just Because.

If I Were In Charge of the World?

     I have learned many, many years ago, that I am in charge of nothing!! Not really, I think I am in charge of it all!! At least this blog, and my thoughts on the subject!
  
         If I were in charge of the world
         I'd cancel oatmeal,  ( not true, my favorite)
         Monday mornings,
         Allergy shots and also Sara Steinberg.

         If I were in charge of the world
         There'd be brighter night lights,
         Healthier hamsters, and
         Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

         If I were in charge of the world
         You wouldn't have lonely.
         You wouldn't have clean. ( I love clean!)
         You wouldn't have bedtimes.
         or " Don't punch your sister."
         You wouldn't have sisters.

         If I were in charge of the world
         A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
         All 007 movies would be G,
         And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
         And sometimes forgot to flush,
         Would still be allowed to be
         In charge of the world.
                                           by Judith Viorst

   Poetry comes in music and children's books, like this sweet poem, from a well read, Terrible, Horrible Day of some kids day. Do you know the book? I hope so. Alexander hopes so.

  After my last blog, where I mentioned my high school English Teacher, I pondered all she taught me.
        I learned some of The Canterbury Tales, by Chaucer.
                                 When that April, with his shovres soote
                                 The drought of March hath perced to the roote
                                             ETC..........google it, I shall not type the entire Tale!
        We had to recite lines from this jewel of a piece, and still find a date for the weekend! Did Miss Wells understand our lives!!!! Then she threw in Macbeth, for weeks on in. How could I write notes to my friends, and love Macbeth, but I did.
              I have from that class forward, hung on Shakespeare's words, To-morrow, and To-morrow, and To-morrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day.

      Shel Silverstein, to Sylvia Plath, E.E. Cummings to Langston Hughes, Maya Angelou to Emily Dickinson,
the list is long and rich. Take the time to read something different, find your JAM, so to speak.
      September change is coming, you can feel it in the air. Now reach for a book of poetry, in the cool evening of your fall, or read a child a book. YOU ARE IN CHARGE, believe it.
   

And The Poem Reads

    Each month I try to do new things, or revisit some old joys.
    In the summer, I watch "off the beaten path" movies, documentaries that have escaped me for months. Foreign films, and many closed caption reading, thrills me.
   Come September, always moving forward, I pull out the poetry. In books and on the computer, I comb the pages, of such gifts.
                                " The breezes taste
                                   Of apple peel.
                                   The air is full
                                   Of smells to feel-
                                   Ripe fruit, old footballs,
                                   Burning brush,
                                   New books, erasers,
                                   Chalk, and such.
                                   The bee, his hive,
                                   Well-honeyed hum,
                                   And Mother cuts
                                   Chrysanthemums.
                                    Like plates washed clean ( love this line)
                                    With suds, the days
                                    Are polished with
                                    A morning haze."
                                                      John Updike

This is just a jewel, a little dated with chalk and erasers, I like to remember those objects of my affection.
Plates washed clean, and the morning polished. Poetry is heaven to my soul.

                                   " Tis the last rose of summer,
                                     Left blooming alone;
                                     All her lovely companions
                                     Are faded and gone."
                                                        Thomas Moore, 1830
To be the last rose of summer, must be such a privilege, denied to many.

                                     "September: it was the most beautiful of words,
                                      He'd always felt, evoking orange flowers,
                                      Swallows, and regret."
                                                          Alexander Theroux 1981
I love the word evoking, flowers, birds and regret. Fantastic!

I hope you September has begun with joy, and if not, find it.
My parents are very ill, and I hurt for them, and wish for miracles to come quickly to their bodies. My joy is that they have been with us, for so long.

I love that tennis begins my September, I cannot find the words to tell you how much satisfaction it bring me, but it does. Football begins with a fever, and the weather changes are small, to help me not go into shock!!

The month will bolt right past us, without delay.

Read some poetry, by the tons, feed your mind and body with things that make you grow, smile and pass on.
" How do I love thee, let me count thy ways........That is my favorite poem......do you know who wrote it?
  Thank you Miss Anna Leigh Wells, for teaching me to love poetry.....Andrew Jackson 1970

















                                          

26 Hours of Labor, A Labor of Love

   I bet if I looked back at my blogs on, or around this date, I would see a similar vein running through.
   There would be many "birthing baby" stories, since two of my boys, came out of my belly! The only one I like to mention each year is the nurse who told me, " I would rather you NOT BREATHE, then to breathe like you are doing!" OB nurses should have the patience of Job, and this one was lacking some sweetness. I had many shifts of nurses, so I cant complain but.....I will, this one was mean, and I still hear her loud and crass voice.
 If you are a guessing person, you have already decided I am outside in this glorious sunshine. The August day is lovely, with a cool hushed breeze blowing and me, writing my blog in longhand, because I need to "store-up" this joy juice. ( I just deleted an entire blog, so I am starting again!! Damn it!)
 The warm sunshine is my lifeline and I will hang on tight. The burbs are quiet, not a leaf blower around, so I will ease on into this stillness. We are our own home, we are the first occupant, be still and know.
    Yesterday was my son's 34th birthday, his name is Ward.
     Usually I relive each second of the 26 hour labor game, but yesterday, I was stuck in thinking about what he was missing. I felt a tightness in my body and my mind was adrift, it was not a good place to linger.
My other wonderful children called to check on me, and remind me of Ward's ways! I had to turn my thinking around, so I had a talk with myself about his being with us every day. I don't think he misses a thing, often I think I see him, smell him or know that he is near. I just don't want him to be sad, or I will be sad, and grief wins! I know he enjoys The Baron Family comings and goings. I think he is so proud of all of us, as we are of his brief life. He lived to be 100 in those 25 years, and we celebrate its fullness.
  So on this birthday, my darling boy, this is your present from me.
        To live in this day
        Use it well,
        Remind others of your life of purpose and joy,
       and continue to love you so so so much
                    Mom
       I think you are standing right behind me, remember the movie Ghost? Can you touch me? move my cell phone? Its OK, I know you are near. Happy Birthday Ward.

Tidy This Up

    Two books have passed through my hands(kindle) recently, that deserve your attention.
     One is, Barefoot In Avalon and the other is The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up.
Barefoot In Avalon is not for everyone. I happen to read every book that is ever written about mental illness. From Autism to OCD, Bi-polar, Social anxiety, depression, cutting behavior, eating disorders, all the above, the soup dejour of brain problems, that my child had. I still after I have lost this battle with Ward, desire to see what others have done, in similar situations. A mom always thinks she can fix everything, and I still search for answers. Its a true story, its tragic, and real, and no answers were found.
  The second book, is The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, I want all people to read this, men and women. (surely women are not the only ones doing the tidying up? right?)
  I confess that I picked this book, because it had been on the best seller list so long, and I thought, who the heck is reading this??? I figured it was a self help book for cleaning out closets, which I can always use. This book is so much more, yes it is about cleaning out, organizing your space, but it has a certain mediation running through it. A zen experience on how to throw away, give to the goodwill,  or sell your belongings, without holding onto so much SHIT!!( I could not come up with a better word!)
  If you know me, and I hope you do, I have stuff, much stuff that I love. OR....think I love. I get baskets to hold the stuff, and its sits on top of other stuff, so this book was calling my name.
 There is even a chapter on folding clothes, that I found fascinating. I know what you are thinking, Bon-Bon has gone to the dark side! You have to read this book, we are all connected, even our belongings.
 So I began my journey, in tiny baby steps, just looking under sinks, where I still have a baby potty and no baby! I started with some candles, that just had a little wax left in them. I had twenty!!! so I took them out, no one wants these, I thought?? but there is a little life left in them!! So I lit them all up, Pumpkin, Christmas, Easter smells, all at one time! My kitchen island look like something from Rosemary's Baby.They all burned for an hour or so, and the smell was amazing. The glow was just beautiful, on a drab Monday morn. They had served a great purpose, and I think that is what the book was telling me. You can't just purge and throw things to the wind, you have to thank it! them! and say goodbye, it was lovely.( Then my cleaning lady wanted all the glass containers!! so we celebrated again) ( she makes her own candles, I wish I had thought of that!!) ( that would mean more stuff for me! yikes) Now I will tackle the coat closet , we do not need thirty coats crammed into a small space, this is going to be hard. I'm ready to tidy up......( I still have a stuffed animal that I got in 4th grade, this is going to be fun)

10% To Work With

 Hart and Ward

All Barons, My 100%

   August is the birthdays of many people that I love.
   Two of those darlings, are Hart, August 21, he will be 31 and Ward, August 26, he would have been 34. My favorite month, also comes with heart stopping memories and grief.
     It is very difficult , as a mom, not to relive your children's births! I like to share the details with them, all details!!! When one of those boys, died at 24, I relive his birth and death, daily.
    I began this blog 7 years ago, as a personal journey through grief. I needed an outlet for my pain, or I would still be in the fetal position. My son Ward died in our home, from a bad combination of drugs. Each drug by itself would not have killed him, but together they were lethal. Morphine and Ketamine, took his life and mine with it.( I think the street name for that drug is Special K) ( just for you parents, to make you aware, its not cereal they are talking about!) There was no turning back from this tragedy. That day, I believe, took 90% of my physical and mental life away. So I have been running hard on 10% and I work very hard, to make my life wonderful, and Wards memory counted.
  10% may sound like a little, but its what you put into that percentage that counts.
  I have very little tolerance for bad books, or stupid people. Well stupid, doesn't sound so nice, I should say wasteful people. My time, my energy,  my love is not to be wasted. I have always been particular, but now I am TRULY particular. I surround myself with wonderful people, Mary(my momma) always said, " Be careful who you hang out with, and Never lay with dogs!. ( You know I love my animals! I think that is a southern metaphor for hoods! losers! what do they call bad people now a days? I told my children on several occasions, " Take that person off out list!") ( you know sleeze-0s, or nasty ones!)  Be particular, and kind, generous and firm, life is so precious.
 I bet the majority of people run on 70 or 80 % negative, and they throw away the rest.
 For sure death, is a big teacher, one that no one wants, to let you know, "Bye your fresh flowers now!"
 Good music, real food, conversation and sometimes heartache, are all loaded in my little 10%. I can feel each cell in my body working, because I pay attention, to what I have left.
  Some days are just a little bit harder.
  Happy Birthday Boys, Hart get ready to hear the stories, and Ward don't even think that you will not hear them again. 26 hours of labor and no epidural, yes you will hear it again, my love.
  I have a job to do, and much to work with!
 
Photo is of Hart, Ward, and Number two child Brian

                                            Keith, Ward and Brian

                                                        Emma, Hart and W