Snappity. Snap, Snap,SNAP-Cardi B

 Waiting for my girl to come bring up the boxes, from the basement. Christmas is coming down.
 I enjoyed each and every bulb and ornament, but they gotta go. I have been festive for long enough now!! My son will take down the boxes tomorrow. I think if the two kids that live closest to us, ever move, Christmas Stops!!
   The baby in the manger brings us hope, and I still ask Mary,"Did you know?" She had to know how hard this was going to be. Do parents ever know? I hope her baby boy got to be a little boy, before he took on the sins of the world! What a burden to carry. Did Joseph really know, or was he just being nice? And all the brothers and sisters? Did they know who their baby brother may be? Its a lot to think about!! I see Mary at the foot of the cross so many years later, asking " Did I know this would happen??" The helicopter parent in me, would have altered the course of history, " No you are not going to the temple, to stir up something!" He was just a baby, I think I will leave the nativity up all year, I need to be reminded of hope. I need to know that my child and brother and sister, know that young man who did not remain on the cross. Loss is hard, you know you have loved with all your cells, when it hurts so much. I need the baby!! He stays out!!
   ( still waiting for my Emma, god bless her bones!) ( maybe I will call Hart also, I miss him!) Packing up Christmas, my emotions are raw.
    Just yesterday, I received a three short page letter from my boss in the Cath Lab. I knew before I opened it, the weight was different then a Christmas card only, I held my breath.
   It was a beyond sweet, memory of our time together. I have written about Dr. Robert Miller, before. He was one of my greatest teachers, about the heart. The science of it and the other heart! I was 21 when I went to work for him. This is a quote from my letter:
          I can truthfully say that my happiest times while practicing were the years you were in the Cath lab. You always seemed to know what I was looking for, and were always ready to try something new.He continued with only stories and people we knew together. We were all so young, doctors, nurses and technicians. I loved every second of every day, I worked for Dr. Miller. Bobby, Bob, we called him Chief. He had an extremely long career in Pediatric Cardiology and even Doctors without Borders. I hope everyone has had a Dr. Miller in their life. He also told me, about another Doctor we worked with, who has died. Dr. R. D. Jackson, and I hated to read those words. I adored him, loved him, learned from him, and reminded him in the lab, he did not have to be an ass! No one should have to work with an ass!! period, Doctor or not!! He was my friend, and I do not like knowing he is not on this earth.
   WHERE is that baby in the manger!! I may have to carry him around the house with me!!
   More people need to write letters, and thank you Chief for letting me know I did a good job, and like me, it was one of your most happiest times.
   Emma, the girl, just arrived, I have to finish, she is huffing about where do you want this and that, she knows!!! I may need holy water and the baby Jesus!!
   Do what is right, in the new year, sometimes it is hard, you know what needs doing. Ask Mary, she knew. Joseph knew, and the baby, well you know the story. 
   Snappity, Snap, Snap, SNAP, thanks Cardi B, for telling us, to start the New Year off right! 

Tell Me Somethin, Girl

  Shallow by Lady GaGa and Bradley Cooper, lyric is my title!!
  Spelled exactly like it is written, people thinking that they can talk southern!!
  I love this CD, but as usual, I sang it wrong. I thought the first line was, Tell Me Something Good!!
  Which if you think about it, works just as well!!
  ( I have been known to sing a different tune, now and again)

   December Christmas music of course is my go to, first choice.
   But in the car, Shallow rips through the tinsel!!
   That one song, I play over and over. If I like something, it is on overplay for a long time.
   I get hooked on things, addiction  to songs!!

   Not a horrible thing to be addicted to, unless you happen to be the rider in my car.
   No clicking buttons, no changing anything, my car, its happening!!! same song, over and over.

  With the rain and gloom, in Atlanta , the volume on that one song, may be turned UP!!!
  In my mind, at that moment, I am Lady GaGa on stage, with the voice of an angel. ( not Mrs. YellDell at church) ( true story) ( for Anderson Methodist people)
    We all need stress release, and music works. Like Books, it takes you away, for a few minutes. Even on a run to Kroger, or the beauty parlor, a good song will change you! You get out of the car, high on it, and that loaf of bread and milk you need, seems less of a pain in the ass, chore. ( you know Bill does all the grocery shopping!)( some of my story is fiction, at its best) ( I do go to specialty grocery stores!)
     This month I have decided to share things, that bring me joy, even the most simplest to the grand.
 I don't know your heart, but I am guessing, maybe my silly blog can bring you my everyday joy. A laugh or smile, and maybe a few tears thrown in. I send my thoughts and words, through the air, filled with love, hope and chaos!

     Getting ready to go have lunch with my daughter and her beau! This evening we have our Grandson, Wyatt for a spell. My high school class lost a very dear person, I feel a loss, but very happy for her spirit to soar.
     There is never just something good, life does not work that way.
     Another line from this song, Is There somethin (WHY are they spelling it like that??) else you are searching for??
    Keep searching, and if it get to be too much, search some more.
    Tell Me Something, Girl ( that is good) ( I think I should have been a writer)
     The name of the song is Shallow!! we are all in too deep, for that word!!
    God, I love this song!!
    Later
    B

Daddy Bush and Jagger

       My brother Benjie, called early, which causes my heart to skip a beat.( born worry wart, and older parents) He was still reeling about getting us great tickets to see The Rolling Stones. We had to go over our first adventure in 75, to see these babies back in the day. We walked to and from The Gator Bowl, from San Marco. Thought nothing of it, we can "hoof" it, what is a few miles, felt like a 100!! We were high on life, just that! We had no money, but we found some for tickets. Being young, has its perks!, bills to be paid?? They can wait!
   I remember the heat, I wanted water, but I think it was 1.00$, and The Stones turned the hose on us, about half way through their set. It was electric, my body burned from the sun, and the music. Susan  went with us, and a few more people whom I cannot remember. I recall taking a slight nap at First Methodist church lawn, on our walking trip back home.
  Benjie and I also saw them in Gainesville, many years later. My brother has seen The Stones 9 times, he may be a stalker fan! I have seen them 4, in April it will be 5. ( I hope he knows, we will be taking Uber!) Our mother Mary, said she wanted to go in a wheelchair, just to share the experience, of her kids, love of these people. Homer, daddy, said he would not go for free!! They will have to hear and see our story later. ( we will put on a play!) I told Benjie, that remember your number one sister is old, so no nosebleed seats, and I like the aisle seat for dancing. Also don't get me too near the stage, because I have been known to desire to get on stage and sing!! AND trust me that I have been very successful is my singing career, climbing over many an amplifier.!! B called on Wednesday, again scaring me!!( text me first, saying that when you call, its not about horror, or death!) ( heads up brother) Yelling and Screaming, Singing that we had great seats, and may have to sell a kidney to pay for them. I told him, as I grabbed my prayer beads, that I was busy asking the universe to keep, The Boys, alive so we can see them, one more time!!
       That was Wednesday and Saturday morning phone calls, the Saturday am TV told me a different story. Daddy Bush was dead. I always, called him Daddy Bush, I have a tendency to nickname people, and it sticks. I don't may have a reason for the names, but often, its random!!
     Daddy Bush was the only Republican I ever voted for. I had enough sense to see my party was in trouble, and the person we had running was not right. ( something that republicans did not recognize this past election!) ( red flags, mean RED FLAGS) ( what didn't you see??) ( grabbing a woman's pussy comment was not enough??) ( deals with Russians? not enough) ( bad hair, not enough)
    OK, I am back, Daddy Bush.
            I wrote him, after I voted and he won the presidents seat, that I hope I had made the right choice. I asked him to work with a Democratic congress, be fair and gentle. I know I would not agree with much that he had planned to do, but I had hope. That would carry me, and I trusted him.
Of course I heard back from him. He told me He and Barbara, thanked me, and would do everything in their power to do good things. ( I like that he included his wife) He told me not, to be so nervous, he would be a good listener. He also told me to write him anytime, maybe that is why I called him Daddy Bush. I loved President and Mrs. Bush. This big snowflake, whatever you may call my liberal heart, loved the Bush family. ( OK his son the other president and I had a rocky relationship)
    I knew he would not live very long, after his Barbara died recently. He was 94, lived a life of service, loved hard, and made mistakes. I am very glad to have known Daddy Bush, I was comfortable with him on this earth. I know his wife and daughter, welcomed him home.
    Two very different stories, touched my life, changed my life in ways, you never know.
    Politics and Music, are strange bed fellows, but I have slept well, knowing these stories.
    Love wins, and you remember the lyrics!!!

Get In The Boat and ROW!!

  We are smack dab in the middle of November and I am treading water.
   It has rained for a week, and with the time change, I have sunk!!
   I need to get in the boat and row.
   I have had this blog for going on 12 years, and I bet if you look at some of the old posts, you will see my disdain for cold weather, wet weather and the dark. This is early in the fall for this sinking feeling, usually January takes me to my knees. November has rattled my bones, early.
   Today is beautiful, but I have a VERY long memory.
   I forgive mother nature, but I remind God, that he or she, needs to hold me with two hands, in this portal of darkness. Just this week, it was around 5pm and I asked Bill why were there so many people on the road, driving. He huffed, they are coming home from work! Like I had no sense!!
  I thought it was at least 9pm, its maddening! I can not see good at night, so all driving for me stops at 4. AND...if I am riding with a person, its not a pretty picture....I am uncomfortable in dark, it all looks Clockwork Orange to me!!!
  What I am trying to say, is I find myself without good blog material.
   My art stops, my reading wanes, and you will find me wrapped in a blanket!!
   This is not a good thing..I have to work harder in fall and winter to be sweet! Do not worry, I stay inside, so you are all safe!! This may be a gross exaggeration, but it does not feel like it to me!! I think I may have been a bear in a previous life, and hibernation comes easily to me.
  Christmas gets me moving, and January birthdays for all my grandsons, a trip to mom and dads, a sunny day here and there, is it February yet?? GAD, this is when I concentrate on breathing!! and if I breathe like a dragon, no worries, I am covered and smothered in wool!!!( that makes me think of all the fires in Cali, and I just stay awake, thinking about so many people losing everything!!??) ( I have no worries, just a few unusable habits) ( well....maybe more then a few!)
   I was going to blog about the midterm elections, but Florida is still counting votes. Florida, can you not get new voting machines in this century, pay some taxes!! You are so far down the rabbit hole, I only see the tip of an ear. So no blog there.
   I have been reading this one book for three weeks, and normally I would have read three by now, so that has me in a flux. However the book is divine and I am hanging onto every word.
  Title: Southern Discomfort!! ( best title ever!)
  Author: I can only see the word Clark on my kindle, that is the last name. First name is covering with a check and I don't like to touch too many buttons!! ( I do have more then a few tics!!) ( that makes me happy)
  Some lines from this jewel,
             1.just registered the suffering that flowed from her like a silent song, a low constant hum of sadness ( November! to me)
             2. absorbed the lesson of gratitude as best I could
             3.Where I grew up in the south, church, like football and barbecue, is not the only religion. Its mandatory to go to church your whole life.
             4.drank in stillness, feeling it spread through me like warm mild ( describing sleep!)
             5. could see the rage and bourbon taken over ( not a good combo) ( too much alcohol, I hate it.) Most days, she was living in her room, with her other lover booze. Unhappiness slowly gnawing away at her.
( all words in parenthesis are my thoughts)
            6. The paradox of the south, its a savage place, complicated, yet it burrows into you. There is venom in the soil. But there is beauty as well. ( fact)
        I love southern lit, if the author knows the south, and the adjectives are not forced. I am still reading this book, through my covers!
       Last but not least, I hope even in bad weather, you take yourself to the movies. Its two hours of pleasure, and if it Bohemian Rhapsody it is stand in your seat, not caring who is watching, singing, loud and proud. I loved every second of this Queen of a movie. Go see it.
      That is it, getting ready to pick up my oars and row. Day is beautiful, so very thankful.
      Blue is my color, and love wins!!
      (man in picture is not in my metaphorical boat, but......its my blog!!maybe I hired someone to row for me!) ( a woman can dream!)

BOO, October

    So much heartache in this beautiful month of October.
    I lost my baby brother, had two friends from high school, lose their brothers. One friend lost her beloved husband, and my cousin lost her son. My hubs lost a cousin, and grief knocked at so many doors.
   I know if you are lucky to love and live a long life, grief will visit more often, but this month has been wicked.
   There has been more joy then sadness, there always is, if you look. However, in between the layers of joy, death hovers too close. I have no sympathy cards left in my drawer, and they never say what I want to say, which is nothing!! There are no words, to comfort people.I don't know how they feel, I just know that my heart hurts for them. My family is so sad about our Tommy, being gone. It has just been a few weeks, but in grief-time, that is nothing!!
   I remember after my sister died, my mom said, it took her four years, to see some life and light. I told mom, after my son Ward died, I could not last four years with the pain that was holding me hostage. Mom was right, I remember at four years, thinking, I could breathe without thinking if I was breathing. Now its been over eleven years, and I walk the journey daily.
  To my cousin Becky, God give you strength, You are in shock, and I think that allows your body, to rest some.  The loss of a child, is the end of normal. The new normal will be good, but its very hard work. To all my friends that lost brothers, I hope you loved yours, as much as I did. We have so many good memories, funny stories, and him being a pain in the ass stories, that keeps us laughing. Harriet, your love for Derek, is so beautiful and your devotion to seeing him on his journey, taught us all about love. May your days always be filled with so much love, past and present. Bill, I did not know your cousin, but I knew his parents. Uncle Ward and Aunt Virginia were fantastic people, so I have to assume Chris had a little of both of them. Over the years, I knew of his adventures through Christmas letters, from Aunt Virginia, I think he lived a beautiful life. I wish I had met him, one day.
   Our trip home from Barcelona was awful, I had food poisoning on the 10 hour flight home. My jet lag recovery on top of that horror, kept me isolated for a few days extra. When I recovered enough to see my kids, my DIL Nicole, asked me what did I like most about out trip??
  I quickly said, " Coming Home!!"
  Traveling teaches you to be tolerant of others in a profound way, takes you out of your comfort zone. Exposes you to history, art, cultures, food, different landscapes. It educates the soul. I am blessed to have seen so much of our planet, but, home is where I want to be. My family, friends, pets, plants, house, I like my diggings!! as my Grandmother would say. My stuff, my space, my spot of joy, is home.
     I hope all of you have a place to hang, that comforts you. Especially all of the people who suffer from loss. Smells, sounds, love surrounding you always.
   October, BOO!!
   November, be kind, we are waiting for you, and yes we are THANKFUL!

My Plate Is Full

  This trip to Barcelona came on the heels of me losing my brother, and worry about my parents.
   So to say it has been wonderful, is not fully true, but it has been a great experience.
 I am convinced the food, is so clean and fresh. Tapas are the norm, so you get to try many things.
 Yesterday we found a bagel-ish place, bar, darling owner, for lunch. He was an engineer, from Slovenia, that decided to change his sails!!
  I had a turkey, cream cheese, dates , avocados and arugula bagel-ish. Each flavor so strong, and one, I probably would not have combined. Bitter arugula and sweet dates, just think on that for a second!! Magic. The chips, had a drizzle of maybe mustard and horseradish on them, very interesting combinations. So I think what I am trying to say, not only is the food fresh it is put together so neatly. I have had eggplant with goat cheese and honey, that would make your eyes roll back in your head!! So many kinds of omelettes, I think the eggs are different over here, one with yellow squash and onions that surprised me. Prawns, fish, crab, pasta, pizza, bread, salads that wake up your taste buds!! Olives by the handfuls, with little olive dishes that I lust after!! Coffee is pumping through my veins, hourly, and maybe Proseco to wash it all down.
   Then you walk hundreds of miles, at least it feels that way, and you eat again!!
My plate has been full of new flavors.
My plate is overflowing with artist and their stories, and Gaudi rules this kingdom.
Picasso I loved, Miro loved more, Mares made me smile, Gaudi not so much.
  I have tried to explain it to my Bill, the husband, that he creeps me out, a little. I know as an architectural artist he put together buildings with a flair, just not my flair. We go to the Parc Guell, on Saturday and maybe I will warm up to him, but he seems large and something!!! I like Frank Lloyd Wright houses, Gaudi is a tad tacky for the party. Even the Sagrada with all its glory, and beauty, left me cold. He is buried there and I paid my respects, but I don't get him, and that is why art is so fun. There is some art for all of us. I am convinced, if I was not before, that all artist seem to be good in many mediums. Fabric, clay, oils, watercolors, whatever is laying in your studio or house. Picasso used fish bones, that he had just picked clean, to do a beautiful clay bowl. Gaudi says the nature guided his genius and madness, Miro used fire and painted on the floor, whatever works. My plate is full.
 People, transportation and weather, perfect.
 Hurricane hitting my beloved Florida panhandle, hurts my core being.
 My plate is full of sorrow, hope for a quick recovery.
One of the six books, I have had the privilege of reading , Becoming Mrs. Lewis by Callahan, reminded me, how full my plate was. C.S. Lewis, his life and stories, and now this one written in first person, from his wife's point of view, just beautiful. I have read all of his books, but I think I shall reread them all. He is wise and I want to listen to him again. When my Ward died, I read his A Grief Observed, with my brother dying, I want some of his guidance again. So now I start my 7th book, on this three week feast to Barcelona.
  We leave on Tuesday, and I will try and squeeze in another blog, no promises.
  I will be thrilled to see my kids and animals, I think I am a born homebody, who has enjoyed some really neat trips seeing the world. France has my heart, but thank you Barcelona.

A Good Yarn

My beloved hubs, takes the only laptop to school, and I cannot figure out how to do the blog on my Ipad. It has a tendency to stay in Spanish. Lucky for me, after six years of Spanish, I can say Hello and Goodbye!!!
   We are staying in the area of L'Eixample in Barcelona, and when you are in a new area, ( or downtown Atlanta) you explore.
  I like to find the pharmacy first, child of the sixties, we may have been medicated.
  There is a Big Green Cross on every corner, and I was in need of powder. ( I do not like to sweat)
  The lovely lady doctor, I think medical doctors are the pharmacist, they treat you!! could not understand me, so I went into my silent acting chops! Shaking salt move, on my arm, and rubbing it in!. She said, "Come."
  Talc powder is the same as in our language, the only difference is theirs smells a tad like weed!!
  She rang me up, no helpers in store, and I may have said Namaste, I meant to say Gracias!!!
     Next Grocery store and market locations, along with bakery and florist shop. Very daily, routine of shopping. You have to be carrying a loaf of hard bread, that will break your teeth, at all times.
    I asked my local baker, if they had any soft bread!! She walked away. I figured with enough olive oil and rubbed tomato, the bread will soften!! Fruit and Vegetables are beautiful, and fish and meat counters, not so cute!! I can not look at things with eyes and teeth, and who am I kidding, I am not cooking!! I make a salad at night, and we celebrate the food from the earth!! Our lunch in Barcelona is the meal of the day.
  Bus, schedules, train schedules, taxi cab friends ( yes I like to keep good taxi peoples cards) I'm older, I don't have time for meeting new taxi cab drivers!! I surround myself with good people.
  Beauty parlors, nail salons, I do have a little down time! found!!
  Churches, museums, restaurants and the Mediterranean, found and found.
    A surprise, which is awesome, a yarn store. I DO NOT NOT KNIT!! It was just so beautiful, and they looked like a party was going on. I bought two big balls of yarn and a needle, I always try to crochet. I just like touching yarn, and material, tactile thing!! Iam going to sit on a bench, in a park, and pretend to knit!! and drink tons of coffee, its a beautiful thing.
  Another very delightful surprise was our apartment windows, floor to ceiling across the front, facing a courtyard. Also facing, many other eight story apartment building windows. It is Rear Window, at its finest. I love people hanging their clothes out on the line, connected to their balcony or window. I enjoy seeing the lights come on and off in the morning and night, it is like Christmas. I try not to Really look, but I have seen, people having supper. Yesterday a lady, sang opera on her balcony for hours, it was fantastic. I have posted pictures of this, hope you get a chance to see them. The art of my courtyard, just a huge plus.
  Bill, hubs, goes into work early, and I have a couple of hours of quiet, to "Just Be"
  Before the rest of the world comes to their senses.
  I hope you find your magic courtyard, wherever you are and squeeze our some, "Just Be" time.
  And if you tell a good yarn, or buy some yarn, I promise you something wonderful happens.
  Getting ready to go to some very giant Gaudi church, La Sagrada Familia .
  Bob NEWHART, my darling, just asked me, if my hair was ready for church??? Please..Jesus knows what I look like, and Gaudi doesn't care!!Guess I better go look.
  Until later
    BBB






















 

A Girl and Her Tree

  Sunday from Spain, we are headed out somewhere soon.
  I needed to jot down some thoughts.
  One, the political climate will have me off of Facebook for a spell. It hurts my heart and head.
  I do not have to explain myself or my beliefs on a daily basis, or prove anything. I work hard for my party of the people, and will continue to do so. All this back and forth, no changing anyone's mind is sucking the pure joy out of me. It will only be me at the voting booth, having to live with my choice, and my convictions. So peace out FB, I am on vacation.
   I will try and blog once a week, because it is therapy to me, and it's my thoughts, you don't have to click on it to read, again its about choices. I like for all to have options!!
       Grief looms in between each word I type. I miss my brother, Tommy who died a few days ago.
Being far from home, I think increases the sadness, who knows, there is certainly a veil of quiet around me. I worry about my parents, being so lonely. At their age, to suffer this kind of pain, is just too much. At any age to lose a child, is just the end, of a whole person, called you.
  I miss my children and grans, but text often and know they are good. I think I will never be a world traveler, I like three day visits max. We will be in Barcelona for 3 ish weeks. On the other hand, it is a remarkable trip, with much to do, and the hubs to share it with.
   The food, weather, art, churches, people, yogurt!!( yes yogurt, I have found so many new flavors, and it taste better then ours!!) It is a pleasure to experience so much, I just want to share it with all of the people I love. ( And if you are reading this, it may be you!!)
      I think the food is clean and fresh, and I adore going to grocery store on the way home. Walk to everything, ( my legs ache in a good way??!!)
      we have traveled by plane, train, taxi and bus. Yesterday on the bus ride to the beach, I was sitting in the older person section ( yes they have one) and apparently I did not look old enough. A women got on the bus, looked like Ethel on, I Love Lucy, and gave me a look and a hiss, and some hand gestures, that said, maybe I should offer her my seat. ( she walked better then I did) She moved on. We stepped off the bus, and I grabbed Bill's arm, " Get me to a church!" He of course...said.."Now."
"Yes damn it, I just had a curse put on me by Ethel Mertz!" He does not even question me, because he knows, I mean business!! So to the holy water I went, Italian, Spanish, Jewish, Southern women, I know a hex when I see one!!!
   The two other quick tid-bits, Picasso is a genius, and he was mean to women and children. At his museum, his early work, middle and late threw me into orbit. The brush strokes, the heavy paint, the different mediums, glorious. There was a collage of apples, made me cry. A yellow house/cottage that was so bright, I stood for hours it felt like, to think how he came about such light. Even his cubist things, not my cup of tea, were much more fascinating to my eye. I hope you have a museum to go to, near you, walk the aisle of brilliant people.
   Last but not least, the Mediterranean Sea, called me, just like all bodies of water. So calm and strong she is.
  The thing I will remember most, is the lone lady, under the one palm tree. I laughed, smiled and thought, you have the right idea. Away from the world, yet right in the middle of it. You and your tree, tuned out to everything but the sun and water. I hope you have wonderful thoughts laying right where you are. We left the Beach, I got to thinking, maybe she was passed out from the night before, I should have checked her pulse!!! Nah, she is a happy warrior woman, under her tree, whom I will never forget.
  Until later,
  Adios

Wheels Up

     I have about an hour before the DIL picks us up for the airport.
     We are headed to Barcelona, Spain for a few weeks.
     Daughter and son, are on animal and house duty. Lucky that they live so close, and are semi willing to house/animal sit, but to hear them, I may not have really asked them!! PLEASE, they owe us a hundred times over, and they know it. I just want them to be thrilled to do it! Smile and do a good job, precious babies of mine, I may even bring you a present.
    I am trying with all that is in me, to be looking forward to this adventure, but life had other plans. My baby brother, age 58, Tommy died last week. We were startled, floored, yet not surprised. He had begun a self destructive course in his life, that we can't know or explain. The only thing I know for sure, is he is gone. My parents and his son, are crushed. My brother, Benji and I lost without him, and his friends, that are many, rocked with sadness to their core. My husband Bill said this while we were home in Florida, " Everybody liked Tommy!" which is true. Was he perfect, god no, who is? He is pure Tommy, and for him, that was enough. We just wish he could have made some big changes, but he would ask us "why?" He said he was happy, with his life. So I have to believe him, even though I think at 2am on any given morning he was lonely. Addiction, to gambling, alcohol, drugs, food, one of them is bad enough, but our Tommy lived large, touching and turning over those stones too many times. We loved him anyway, adored him. Prayed for him, screamed at him, laughed with him, and sometimes had to walk away. What I know for sure, is no family loved anyone more then we loved Tommy!!!
    We held his hand, in the funeral home. they would not let us see his used up 58 years of hard living life. We kissed his hand and held on for a few minutes more. Mom, his son Evan and I, holding on with love, telling him to go with glory, free of a hurting body. I promised him we would be all right, and it may have been a little lie. Because if he knew we were basket cases, he may have hung around worried too much. I know my brother.
   We will be OK, maybe not right now, but we will. We will honor your life, and tell your stories over and over. Your life meant something to so many Tommy. You have to know, you made changes in peoples life, just not so much in yours. I think you were just tired, and that is OK.
    How do I go on this big vacation after all this?? I go with bells on, and your picture in my pocket.
I will speak your name, all over Spain, a long with Wards and Trudys. I want people in every corner of the earth to know my family, to say your name!! with joy in their voice and heart.
   I promise to have a good time, and if you are over in that area, swoop down, and dance with me, because you know I will be dancing !!! Mom , Dad and Benji will be OK, they promised to be strong, but you may need to send them some signs!! I love you kid.
   Now wheels up, fact and metaphor.
   Love Love Love
     B

RBG is BATTB

  Before I begin, I have to rave about RBG, the movie about our Ruthie.
  Yes, I understand some of you saw it at the movies, and you get a star in your crown. However, I sat in the comfort of my home, to watch over and over and over again this masterpiece.
  Supreme Ruth inspires all girls, women, ladies to be better, because we can. We can do it all, birth babies and run a country, get your foot off our necks!! ( Ruthism) This wisp of a woman, gentle voice that speaks so loudly, listen to her. Watch this movie, I think it is on CNN or On Demand, you can find it. All men, boys, watch and learn. Mrs. G's husband worshiped her, looked at her everyday as if he was seeing that young girl he met in college. I kid you not, he was goo-goo dolls, over her until his last breath, and then, left her a letter, that told her, he would love her even in death!! She is a workaholic, force, who doesn't cook!! She is so tiny, and so large, magnificent. Oh my goodness, you have to witness this human, this wise scholar, mother, wife, friend, my new spirit animal!!! She never raises her voice, she is Divine!!
    OK, now to what I was going to write about this Saturday in September.
  I rarely sleep, never well, my fitbit will tell you!! Damn it, sometimes it will tell me, we can not keep a record of under 4 hours!! Whatever, I wake up like a rock star, ready to go, not fast...just a slow roll..of a huge quantity of thoughts. ( brain activity)
  Today was no different, early, early I come downstairs, to gulp down my coffee, and ask the husband, who has been up since 4!! if he was taking a nap? already?! Throw me the clicker, which he does, saying, " You know there is nothing on the telly this early!" Please... I will find something....even with the sound off. ( sometimes, I really need quiet)
  I was clicking away, when I came upon a PBS show on quilting!! I laughed out loud! ( Bill still snoring) I went down the rabbit hole of design and color, and blocks and stitches with joy. They looked at color, like an artist. They constructed these quilts like Frank Loyd Wright, it was amazing.
Even made more so, because I do nothing with a needle and thread, NADA, nothing. Yet I saw, that they too were artists. It truly was a gifted hour of morning joy, that I had to share with Sleeping Beauty! " ARE YOU AWAKE!!!" I so softly spoke. ( Notice I only talk in all caps!!) "You missed a wonderful show about quilts, that blew my mind!" The details, the color, it was a near heaven experience!!" The darling Dr. Bill, did not say a word, but in his best Bob Newhart expression said, " Well what's next?" " I could rerun the quilt show for you? or turn to CNN??" Instead I threw him the clicker, I could not in good faith, turn to the news of today!! I swallowed hard, my second cup of coffee and tuned out the foolishness these fools in power are doing today!
   I closed my eyes, ( you do realize it may be about 5:30 by now) and remembered something my son Hart said to me last week at the art museum. He said, " Mom I don't see art like you do.I look, and keep walking, you linger and dissect!" I told him, I think its a gift, and its OK, as long as you are looking at all.
  I lingered and hung on every word these quilters were showing me this morning. Paying attention, being present, looking at all!!! Did it inspire me to sew, never!! But it taught me to respect the seamstress, the quilter, the artist of material and thread a little bit more. It made me better. And Ruth Bader Ginsburg would say, "That is all we have to do!"
 RBG is Bad ASS To The Bone and RIGHT!!!

The Crazy Is Strong In This One-Barron Brown

   When people die, Barbara Bush, John McCain, and ask that you do not attend their funeral, the crazy must be strong in that person!! ( Thanks B.)
    Forever, I remain baffled at the silence of the Republican Party, and the people that picked this man to be President! Few people would recognize God, right in front of them. Yet they use his name, when talking about God and their Country. The Crazy is Strong In this kind of person. This 40% of humanity, I want to shake you, and ask, " What are you not seeing?" but the crazy is too strong.
   Maybe that is too broad a stroke of the brush, BUT....he is not even allowed at funerals, or the opening of Target Stores!!
   OK, political rant, over, I don't have the strength. I truly am not going to march on Washington, but I will be heard. Even if I happen to be the only one listening.
   The country has very much the demeanor of a gum chewer, and its tacky. Put some guns in all hands, it is a bad combo. ( guns can also be a metaphor for just crazy thoughts too, bullets come in all ways)
  OK, maybe my rant is not over......
       I remember early in May, sharing with you, the speed of which I knew Summer would fly by. Now it is the end of August and anxiety sits pretty near me, the cool kiss of fall, go away!!
I like to read, in the hammock on the back porch, during the summer months, and just last week, I yelled ( sweetly) to Bill (hubs) can you bring me a blanket??? He screamed, " NO, that is insane!"
" My feet are cold" we are hollering like hyenas. He was in the front study/computer room, working??? " Cover your feet with a pillow!" Me, " Oh, I will be OK, this is just the beginning of the chill!"  He did not reply. Is knowing winter is coming better than not knowing?? I guess it is all a personal feeling. Summer is just a wee moment in time, and I need her to stay.
    We celebrated all the summer birthdays, I love all people born in the summer. Both of my boys were August birthdays, so forever I like to tell them, of the misery I was in!! My feet would not even go in flip-flops!! August 21, 84 and August 26, 81, my beautiful baby boys, so happy you were out of my body!! Love you, MOM!!!! My baby girl, Emma turns 30 this September, and my two Step son loves, are Feb and June birthdays!!! Those baby boys are 45, 44 and pure wonderful. Five children under my roof, I am a lucky girl. Now 3 grandsons later, and they all know, Uma needs summer!!!
   Bonnie, Momma, Uma also needs people to think long and hard about their political choices. Maybe all our choices, count to 10, do some research, look at the big picture, BIG PICTURE!
The Crazy Is Strong In This One, you can fill in the blank.
   I going to grab my own blanket, and go read. Well, I feel like painting, so maybe I will head downstairs, and bring a sweater!!! Just to have!!!
   It is a hot sunny day, I may just go stand in the yard, and soak it up....Crazy lady standing in yard, its strong in this one also!!! Its a southern thing, we just write about it.

Deep Dish of Aretha

  I was born very comfortable in my own skin, even as a little girl. Being me, was pretty much, a

good deal. No big visions or desire for change, until.....Diana and Aretha.
  I did not want to be a , back up singer, I wanted to be them. Diana's ultra thin body, I pined for and Aretha's voice!!! I honestly use to pray, to morph into these two angels of soul.
   It was never in my cards to be thin, I had Aretha's ta-ta's!! could I at least get her voice?? God were you listening to me? I can not even carry tune, but I have the spirit of the Queen!  So I feel blessed, danced like Diana, ( maybe better) and belted a song like Aretha, and prayed no one was listening( OK, that never stopped me!!)
    I love Aretha Franklin, she commanded attention, it came to her. She soaked up the entire room, and owned the stage. I saw her many times, but it is never enough. 76 years is not enough, but is it ever? I guess not. She was human and above, and graced us for a pretty long time. I honestly don't feel comfortable with her not on this earth. Where did that voice and style go off too, all that energy. She is silent, but she is not. We are wealthy with what she left behind, her music, her voice, even her soul may be hovering over us for a time. Giving us an OK, to let her go. To soar with R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
  She may have laid down her crown, for a new one. She empowered us to reach high, a single mother at the young age of 12, 14 an abusive husband. Many addictions, and baggage galore, she rose above, shined a light, her light. Human rights, human love, human being, she will be missed.
 Paul McCartney said yesterday, " She was the Queen of our souls."
      Amen and Amen, Precious Lord take her home.
      P.S. She could wear a fur like none other!! ( stay away PETA!) she earned everyone!!! Full Mink Tilt!! Awesomeness, Go Retha!!!

Wandering Mind, What???

   Still on my Happiness course, last week she talked about simple kindness, making us happy. I do hope I know that by now, but it never hurts to be reminded. She, the professor with the cute chair, also said, " A wondering mind is an unhappy mind?" I sat up straight, and told her, "Sister, I am not on this train of thought!"
   I am one of the most happy people I know, and my mind is a wandering fool!! I can be still as a corpse, but my mind is in constant motion. ( another reason, I sleep so poorly) I have three books going right now, and just finished two. I saw one half of a play last week, and visited a spot that was so special. I text and visit with friends daily, paint, clean, cook, garden, shop online!! Listen to music, rearrange furniture, watch my Wyatt, write letters to my Adrian at camp, check on mom and dad daily!! Laugh, a million times a day, watch TV, go to movies, concerts, sometimes all in one day!!!! And I blog, to release some of this circus in my head!! but my spirit and physical body, are calm as a cucumber. I pray all day, and night....and I am happy. Does my life have bad things going on, daily!!
All around you and I, things can be horrible. Cancer, Addiction, loss of people, living and dead. Worry and fear can consume me, in a jack-flash minute, happiness keeps the demons in check.
I truly don't know why everyone is not happy, dancing in the streets.Think about baby goats!! that will make anyone happy for a minute or two. Books, books and more books, research, google, to be present in this moment. Not looking at yesterday or tomorrow. People and their talents make me happy, Owls make me happy. A wandering mind works for me. Whatever works for you, do it, and pass it on!!! Reading Eleanor( another name for BA) Oliphant, it is wonderful. Reading Back Lash, by George Yancy, every white human and others, required reading. Rick Bragg's book The Best Cook In The World, Tales from Momma's Table, its a jewel, southern and dripping with bacon grease, delish!!
 Look Alive Out There by Sloane Crosley, fantastic essays, and pearls of wisdom. Here are a few.
      1. You are who you kiss good-bye
      2. Jewish guilt is no match for teenage entitlement.
      3. When the basic becomes exotic, you're in trouble.
      4. What the mind really is, is Tupperware container full of leftover noodles!!!!!
      5. You don't stop being who you are when you reach a certain age. You know that, right?
  I have so many highlighted, I can not stop, OK two more.
      6. Because periods are refugee camps for all nondescript maladies
      7. No one needs to know you have a full life with almost no cats!!!
Happy, Happy, Joy, books.
      Also finished David Sedaris new book, Calypso. I love everything he writes, I think he is my relative and friend.
      I realized something last week that made me so happy, all my friends make me laugh. Either I have attracted funny people,  or I make them laugh, or both. Dr. Bill was with me and two girlfriends for an overnight trip, and on the way home I told him, "Thanks for going with me, I know we girls suck up the space and air in the room!" He said, " I love to listen to you, and see you laugh so hard with your girlfriends". ( we seriously never stop talking and laughing) I love all of my friends, they make me happy, my Harvard professor ( she may be from Yale, I forgot) needs to tap into that happiness juice.
   Now to end my purge of a wandering brain, last week, I felt like a tingle in my chest. I was on fb just trolling, and several times, it was a jolt to my chest. I looked around I thought maybe I was sitting on something that was vibrating?! Like someones phone, or TV remote. I grabbed my rib area several times, and figured I was one ambulance ride away from a heart attack. I got up, walked around, nothing, sat back down, was rubbing my face, and it happened a tingle in my face, I looked at my hands and there it was, MY NEW FITBIT was trying to tell me all kinds of things!! Damn why did I ask for a new one for my birthday, with all the bells and whistles that I hate. It was electrocuting me, my heart rate, my lack of a million steps, texting info, lord I thought it was my time!! and I hollered, now that is happy!! A purple fitbit, and no heart attack or stroke at this second!!
  Enjoy your Sunday, make happy come to you, and share some with others. GO on Amazon and order Dee's Nuts, another happy thing this week. The Dill pickle and Banana pudding nuts, had me falling out with happiness, I promise you, a game changer.
   Love you
     B

BUT, I am on TV!!

  Happy Birthday to me, I love being able and here on earth, hitting 66 today. 66 sounds like soft serve ice cream, 65 not so much!! Just say them out loud, 65 is crass, 66 smooth and gentle. Being a Leo, I have a very strong personality, many strengths, and huge weaknesses! Lucky for me, I turn 66 and if feels wonderful, at least for this minute!! As Homer says, "Do not buy green bananas, you may not see them ripen!"
  He is special, that is a fact!! and Mom would say, " You are just like him!" I hope she is talking about his sense of humor, surely its not his glass is half empty and its full of S*it!!! I love you daddy.
   Just this morning, a friend of mine, sense we were about 3, reminded me of how much we love the Beatles, PPA they are playing as I type. We absolutely grew up with the best music, and Jesus!!
   I have received gifts from the heart, I love when people have known me so long, know my insides!! and outs!! Thank you Susan for my hankies, everyone should carry one with you, or you are not from the true south. I love you so much. Jane Anders, the Photos from New York, and Studio 54, there are not words, only you and I know the true story, and it may be embellished!!! Not every human gets to have a party with the Village People, and live to tell it!!
    I just can not be more blessed then to have so many beautiful people, that I love in my life.
Near, far, old and new, have touched me, made me the person that I am today.
    Now back to my blog!!!
    Yesterday in the nail salon, just chatting with my people, a tall woman, blasts in wearing exercise clothes on a Living Large body, ( I have yet to see anyone look good in exercise clothes!) All the nail peeps were busy and one lady was waiting. She comes in holding her middle finger up, loudly saying that she needs that particular nail fixed and a polish change. The nail lady, said it would be about thirty minutes. With Three pairs of false eyelashes on and many hair extensions, this not demure woman, says, But, I am on TV. I looked around the salon to see if we were on TV, because this was the funniest thing I have ever seen. To her it was not funny, she again, said, "I am on my way to the TV studio, this has to be done." Where is my camera/phone when my nails are wet, she left in a huff, still so upset about this one nail!!  We all looked at each other and howled with laughter, what was that, but a housewife from Atlanta?? Don't they make enough money to have their own nail person come to their house?? or better yet, nail person at the studio!! I hope to goodness, they have a personal stylist, because sister girl was looking bad!!
    The lady next to me, said, " but that is what is wrong with the world, so entitled!?"
    I ever so politely said, " that is not entitled, that is no manners, crack crazy person, in exercise wear, and no gym membership!"
     I reminded the girls that my birthday was the next day, and thanked them for my surprise gift, of my blog title. I will find a time to use it, and no one will know what I am talking about, but me!!
    That is a rare gift, that keeps giving. Thank you Atlanta Housewife, I turn 66 today and all of my nails are done.
     Thank you all for all the cards, gifts, love coming my way, I feel it, appreciate it, and know our dots are connected somehow. Its a beautiful thing, maybe they should put that on TV!!
   

#Picassodidnotdolaundry

      When I have a free hour, which is seldom, I want to paint.
       ( note the hubs just sent me a photo of baby boy Wyatt, how am I to do anything)
       ( I just need to go swing him!!)
       ( PaPa is having some one on one time with him!)
       ( only fair, is It?? What does fair mean?? Another blog??)
     Now back to my quandary over laundry, groceries and stuff!!
     Women think there is always someone to take care of, which is mostly true.
     Or we have chores that we have done for years, that even in retirement still need our attention.
    ( note my beloved, helps with everything, if asked!!) (also note, his skills are in Chemistry)
    ( Bill Baron just sent me another picture of Wyatt, damn him!!) I think my entire thought process went out the window!!
     Another distraction, my attention span, The golf in Scotland has been on maybe three TV's, Tom Petty is turned UP, thanks to my friend Alexa!! I just want to go downstairs for hours on end, to paint. I have about four projects going of my own, which I have to stop, when people ask me to paint special things, I live on the tilt-ta-whirl!!!
    I have a list of things I wanted to blog to you, the reader, but fat chance that will get done.
    1. My Happiness course from Yale, or maybe its Harvard? I forgot, talked about Hedonic Adaptation, and How to reset our reference point. Gratitude, that I know, the other two lectures, were.....very interesting...something about pretending this is your last day.....no, not doing that...next! What would you miss if your died...no, not doing that.....negative visualization ...nope, not negative thoughts bringing me happiness, I am already not happy with Picasso, I know he did not do laundry!!!
   I do know painting makes me happy, and I am up here typing. Blogging makes me happy also, a healthy way to vent.( now my son, father of precious WHB, sent me a photo!) Seeing photos makes me happy too!! I love my family.
   Now back to what I was going to tell you, Watched The Way We Were, this last week, and I am convinced, under no uncertain terms, Robert Redford is the most beautiful man I have ever seen. OK, now glad to share that with you. I literally had to hold my heart, to keep it from beating outside my chest, that movie is gut wrenching.
   Looking at my many lists....which also makes me happy...why do I take all these college courses, when I have the answers!!
   Just like to learn more.
    I did write down the name TRUMP on my notes, but you know what, I do not feel like giving him air time. As little as possible time, on my paper. If you voted for him, I throw my  hands in the air, Geez do you not see what you have done?? Next if you did not vote for him, realize that he is not the big problem, its maybe worth thinking about, why there is this group of people that thought and/or think he is an OK person.  Enough, we have much work to do in this America, all of us.
    Happy Saturday, I am happy and healthy, and going to paint. ( I think I just heard the dryer go off)
   Did Monet, Homer, Pollock, Wyeth, did they ever hear the dryer go off ( metaphor)
   Well, today, I did not hear it either!!
    Peace

New Course

  July, in my opinion, is near the end. ( I think today is the 9th!) and I have started a new course of action, or non action. ( jury is still out)
    Coursera, Yale, The Science of Well Being.
I am all in, if someone has the key to happiness, so I began.
I usually know in a jack flash minute, if this course will work for me, and this one was less than a minute. Because of a chair!! ( I have a chair fetish) The professor is teaching from her house,which is new, and sitting in the most beautiful chair. I have not heard a word she has said, I am already happy!! 'A' in the course!! In all semi seriousness, I am enjoying her journey to teach the multitudes of people.
      She mentions, habits, misconceptions, GI Joe fallacy, and savoring!!

 Savoring is a great word, I don't hear it used much these days. She encourages us to find one thing to savor each day, which I think that is my word for joy. The teacher also says merely knowing is not enough, you have to change behavior. Lean in to happiness, so to speak. ( I dislike that woman that wrote the book on leaning, but I get the point) I lean in, over and under, above and beyond trying to be happy-ish!!
   One person she quotes from, I don't remember the name, confirms?? happiness is not significant. Think the name, may have been Gilbert, but I would not bet on me!! for knowing. Also doing awesome stuff, ( whatever floats your boat) does not make us happier. Thinking about 'stuff' makes us unhappy, true love, makes us unhappy, intuition can be wrong!! and I am only in about five lectures!!
Big pharma has drugged the entire world, to sedate us. ( I love anti depressants!)
   Happiness genes are 50% of your happy day, life circumstances and choices 40%, and shit happens 10%!!!!!
   I have good genes, and do research !!I am a very content person.
   Next lecture is on What you are getting out of this?? ( what is this??) and what are you giving to this? ( I guess she is referring to this happiness thing??)
    I will let you know, this is a fun course. She also says, grades do not make you happy, so the tests/quizzes that you take, just skip um!!! Buy more, get more, be more, no happiness there. so we are winging it!! I feel much happier even now.

     Now for just fun, and happiness, Netflix  Frankie and Grace, or Grace and Frankie, is hysterical. Not a Jane Fonda fan, but Lilly Tomblin carries the show, and some good character actors. There is also, no test after each show!! Happy!!
    I have laughed from my toes, on every episode.
    Frankie,( played by Lilly) recently said, " Damn my christlike capacity for compassion!" I watch with a pad, and pen near!! She also said, when trying to tell someone, to not listen to garbage, "Fuck the noise!" I thought, god, what a great use of the word, Fuck!!! Close your ears if this offends you.
It is just a delightful series for older people, who are happy and sad, very much alive and full of hope, for a long life filled with joy, savoring each crazy moment we have.
   I think I will tell that Yale professor, about that show, and ask her where she bought the chair!!
   

Watch With Me

   So often I wish friends and strangers had the pleasure of watching things through my eyes!! I guess you do get a glimpse through my words, but one day, just sit with me for a spell.
    Read with me, paint with me, sing with me, watch soccer with me!! WHAT!! Yes the World Cup Soccer games, have been so much fun. Note....I do not watch soccer at all....but The Cup!! I am in, shin guards deep. My daughter tells me, there are rules, but I just see men running up and down the field. Kicking and pushing, and a goal here or there. To be honest, what I see, is a pair of orange shoes that I pine after. All of these men, have unusual haircuts, that I think must serve a purpose. I look deep!!! The men from Senegal have the most beautiful black skin, I have ever seen, never have I seen this color black. They took my breathe away, I think they may have lost, yes I am paying attention. I love Portugal, and Brazil, Columbia, Spain and tolerate all the others. There is this one short man, on a team, whom I like to watch, because he is so close to the ground.I think he may be on Germany or Sweden, he has blond hair!!( I just know he does not wear those orange shoes I want)
    I have a hard time, not thinking about all of them smelling!! 90 minutes or more, of intense sweating, they do not make deo for that!! I wonder, out loud, if they eat anything during halftime? I love that they walk out at the start of the game, holding hands with a little child. I think that is so sweet, and I try to sing all of their country anthems. My girl Emma, tried to explain some of it to me yesterday, something about positions, and off sides. I had to tell her, that she was raining on my soccer parade, and remind her, isn't that really cute guy on the Columbia team??? I think she huffed a YES!! out..All I know, is that I am having a ball!! and I wish you were with me!! So much fun.

      Now onto reading.
 I have been reading Varina all of June, and for me that is a lifetime. In winter I would have read three books by now, but summer is busy. I still need to read, its my pleasure.
 I got so caught up in the way Charles Frazier writes, that I lost the story. You will see why.
   Notes from Varina: 1. Those strange days, a lot of people used up parts of themselves they could never regenerate   
                                   2. the decision bore her thumbprint like a sloppily iced cake.
                                 
                                   3. So this was Richmond, a veneer of refinement over a deep core of brutality.

                                   4.The mother's every word leaves her mouth as a blaring pronouncement.

                                   5. I love words more than anything or anybody, but my mind is a feather in the wind.

                                   6. a watercolor blurred across wet paper dragging a wide brush ( life!!)

                                   7. whether you pick well or poorly, the act of choosing carries grief

                                   8. It was briers and hurricanes right from the start ( Yes, and humidity)

                                   9. North and South like grotesque reflections of one another in a carnival mirror.

I have pages of notes saved, those above are a few. I have to re read the story, I got lost in the style, now I have to just breathe and read. I wish you were with me, its a journey and an adventure to read with me!!! I wish you could see the stacks of notes, Its maddening and me!!
    I will end this blog with Omar!! If you know me, or think you do, which is OK, I am very careful before I go to sleep, what goes in my brain. AND you can't very well watch me before I go to sleep, so I write to share. Last night, Bill and I settle in, and he is flipping though the channels, when FUNNY GIRL jumped onto the screen. I took a deep breath, and he said, " Look its your Omar." Which I so appreciate he knows me so well. He then said, " Its almost over." I shushed him! Let me absorb all of this, and I did. I prayed to the God of my dreams, please let this stay with me!!! Then Bill started to talk about evolution, SHUSH!!!! we turned off the TV.
    I started to sing the entire Funny Girl songs, quietly, and then repeated several times, Nicky Arnstein, Nicky Arnstein, Nicky Arnstein, with a pat on Bills back, and a smile on my face. I wish you had been here!!! Did I have good dreams?? All I can remember is looking for my car, and not being able to work my phone, but I know Nicky Arnstein was in there somewhere.
            We should all go to bed happy and wake up so thankful, my goodness!!
            Watch with me, enjoy the journey

Dresses, Skirts and Pockets

 Summer Solstice was here this week, and to some it is the beginning. Something about maximum elevation of the sun, longest day, heat stroke?? All I know is I hear Christmas music playing in my brain. This is when I panic. My husband, yearly tells me, its just the beginning of summer!! I think it has already started to get dark earlier!! I know it is summer, but it can never stay long enough, and I begin the process of missing it!! No there is no logic, it is my meter to soak it all in, and wear all of my summer clothes.

      I am a moderately happy human, but summer clothes, takes me up a notch. You see I have, what is knows as, clothes claustrophobia. ( Do not look for logic here!) ( Florida) ( say no more)
     I consider a bathing suit cover up, as enough. Trust me.
     I dislike shorts, I want a dress on, or a skirt! with any wisp of a shirt! I need a breeze, flowing in and around all my parts! I also want pockets, I do not understand why they are not on every garment, its a deal breaker. I get giddy, to find pockets on even my nightgowns!! which I wear until they are thread bare and barely hanging on me! I need a breeze!! All my summer dresses that I keep for decades, eventually become my nightgowns, its a texture thing.

    When there are no pockets around, and it happens, I hide things in my bra. I have also lost things in there, a pair of earrings, and my phone. Just let your imagination run with that!! I have Aunt Eleanor's boobies, only my relatives will understand the curse. She ordered her bras, back in the day, special delivery from Sears!! I also special order mine, and have to sell pieces of my liver to pay for them!! It is special. I need pockets, in the summer, really always. In the winter, I am so distressed, with sweaters, I do not care about pockets.( yes, my burdens are huge!)

     Yesterday at my bone doctor, he remarked how cute I looked, well duh!! darling summer dress, it changes your body language. ( and a new hip, no pain, may have made my face look sweeter!) Beach hair, pool hair, little to nothing cute frocks, sandals, or slides, lipstick and a hint of cheek color, soft perfume, light nail color, AND POCKETS!! Summer Solstice, I am hanging on til I see the first leaf fall!! Enjoy your hot Saturday in this sunny month of June, its a wonderful thing.

What Is Missing?

   This last week, with two suicides of famous people, took me to my knees. Not because they were famous, but probably because we heard about it. There are many deaths, each day, suicide deaths.
   It baffles me, and I know depression. Extreme loss, sadness has engulfed me, and I came out the other end. I guess there is not a clear answer, or maybe even a clear question.
    This morning, after my shower,I fell back into my bed. So clean and smelling so good, I thought, Kate Spade will never have this pleasure again. ( I know my mind works very differently!) I have spent my entire human on earth life, searching for joy. Paying attention, sometimes too much attention!!
    My mom always said to surround yourself with good people, and wonderful thoughts.
   AND it is very hard. The scale of Justice weighs heavily with bad things happening, horror stories, and despair.
   There are doctors, and meds, prayer and beads!! by the gazillion, and sometimes, there is nothing.
   Its that nothing, that will get you every time.
  That space of nothing, fill it up.
  I was laying on the bed in Emma's old bedroom, with my perfect grandson, Wyatt. He was sleeping, and I like to look at him. Every inch of his body, he had nestled his feet under my leg, and I thought, Mr. Bourdain, this would have saved you. ( I like to think) ( in my heart) ( he used a bathrobe sash to hang himself, there was not a whole lot of thought!) ( this stuff bothers me) Kate, at least used a red scarf. ( no, I am not being serious, its still terrible, but....there was some style coming through)
   My son died by his own hand, the autopsy said 'accidental overdose'? I think the combination of the drugs, are called K-hole, ( nasty sounding), I think he was getting high, and the dose was too much? Did he take his life on purpose? I don't know, mental illness is a beast. Ward had stop taking his medicine to keep him level, and functioning for some time. I just don't know. He is gone, that much I know. When we found him, the first thing I told him, was it was OK, and I will be OK, don't worry.
 I wanted him to know, that we would all be OK, and his spirit was free to fly. No quilt, no pain, it is what it is, it happened. I also told him that I believed he had lived his full life, and we were forever thankful for 24 years.
    Oh back to Wyatt...I was laying there and I needed some beads to pray and meditate, and I did not have them wrapped on my arm. And you know I was not about to wake a sleeping angel, period. So I looked around the room, and right in front of me, were the plantation shutters!! Yes, I will pray on each one, prayer shutters!! It keeps me focused, or my mind tends to jump around!! Duh!!
   So I told all the people that chose to 'check out', even those I do not know their names, that they are free to soar. I will miss there being on earth with me, they brought me soooooooo much joy. It is not my place to understand all!! We are all responsible for our thoughts and actions, and depression often skews the view. The dark is just too dark, for a minute. A minute too long.
    I hope mental illness of any degree, doesn't reach in to touch you, or your loved ones, but chances are it has. Call people, seek help, there are all kinds of clergy, doctors, people willing to help. Put the number on speed dial, because a lot can change in one minute.
        June, warm us up, and show us another day.

        Always
        B

Call Me ________________________________?

     My new online course , of a few weeks, I THOUGHT was going to be about all of Shakespeare's plays. Boy was I wrong, maybe reading the course info before I click a button next time.
     The course is Introduction to Who Wrote Shakespeare, never did I see the words, who wrote??
  What are they talking about?? Another crazy conspiracy theory? Do I truly care who wrote all this magic? Why so people continue to want to rain on my parade!!! STOP IT!!!
    I do not need to know all the secrets, I just want to read and understand all of Shakespeare.
    If I called him, Rufus Cartwright, would the words still speak to me.
    I only know these plays and sonnets from Will!!
                Being vexed, a sea nourished with a lover' fears;
                What is it else? A madness most discreet,
                A choking gall, and preserving sweet.
                                                 Romeo and Juliet
                                                 By_________________?
    Well it is not Rufus!! Williams Shakespeare wrote that, I don't want to know any different, but I will continue with the course, and dare them to convince me!!

  They ( professor at University of London) ( is that a real place?) ( Trump has me second guessing Jesus!) ( now this) use many words critical thinking, duh! and something to the effect of a dialog
with the deaf, now I know deaf people are probably mad!! I am listening with both ears, and no heart, but I am so trying to hear both sides.
      There is no literary paper trail!! WHAT??? very few signatures, cannot prove he attended any school past 6 grade, his children were illiterate ( the person who wrote Macbeth's children?)
      They think that this William Shakspere ( different spelling) the theater person, was a broker for plays. Would buy them and maybe borrow them? for his own?? I just do not believe that. Surly those people would have said, " Hey, that is my play!!" you thief. Stratford at Avon person called Will.
   There are no letters, no property exchanges and documented, no logical narrative proof!!
   He did have a will and left his wife a second hand bed!!! my Shakespeare would have left her his manuscripts, his blood on the paper. There were no books, that he had read, to pass on, no bible with his family name inside. NADA, nothing personal . They know when he was born, 1564, he married at 18, had 3 children, ran the London Theater Company, did someone make this up too? or is there some paper? Birth certificate, Marriage license? and for which man are we talking about, there are two different spellings.
    Was my genius author, a recycle of others works, a re-tell others stories, and pen his name to it? Or were these works written by others, and why use another name. Would you not want credit of what you wrote?? Thomas Heywood, Ben Johnson, sooooo many names of men who may have had their hand in these masterpieces, I choose to not believe it!!
   AND does it matter? To historians yes, it matters. To me, it matters that you are messing with my brain, and love of Shakespeare, so stop it. I do not like to entertain doubt, I don't want three hundred handwriting specialist to bicker about signatures, it was in the 1500, the ink may have smeared by now!!!
  Just to let you know, even if you could care less, both sides have very good arguments.
  AND I am only have way through the course, I keep saying, I am not going to finish it!! It makes me angst, I think Will may have been one of my past loves, and now you tell me that is just not true either!!
   I lean, all in, to William Shakespeare, I need to. I recognize some flaws in the story, but I can live with that. Its a lot like Life, choice is everything. Research, educate yourself, kicking and screaming, and then decide. Some people don't believe in evolution, their choice. There are those, that believe only one religion works, again, a choice. I cherish the words from this person, William Shakespeare, whomever you may have been.
     Also Thank You Miss Wells, for guiding me down the path of this man or myth. You will be proud to know I am re reading all of his works, and Chaucer, in your honor.
     Call me, a reader of Shakespeare, all in head, feet and heart!