What Is Missing?

   This last week, with two suicides of famous people, took me to my knees. Not because they were famous, but probably because we heard about it. There are many deaths, each day, suicide deaths.
   It baffles me, and I know depression. Extreme loss, sadness has engulfed me, and I came out the other end. I guess there is not a clear answer, or maybe even a clear question.
    This morning, after my shower,I fell back into my bed. So clean and smelling so good, I thought, Kate Spade will never have this pleasure again. ( I know my mind works very differently!) I have spent my entire human on earth life, searching for joy. Paying attention, sometimes too much attention!!
    My mom always said to surround yourself with good people, and wonderful thoughts.
   AND it is very hard. The scale of Justice weighs heavily with bad things happening, horror stories, and despair.
   There are doctors, and meds, prayer and beads!! by the gazillion, and sometimes, there is nothing.
   Its that nothing, that will get you every time.
  That space of nothing, fill it up.
  I was laying on the bed in Emma's old bedroom, with my perfect grandson, Wyatt. He was sleeping, and I like to look at him. Every inch of his body, he had nestled his feet under my leg, and I thought, Mr. Bourdain, this would have saved you. ( I like to think) ( in my heart) ( he used a bathrobe sash to hang himself, there was not a whole lot of thought!) ( this stuff bothers me) Kate, at least used a red scarf. ( no, I am not being serious, its still terrible, but....there was some style coming through)
   My son died by his own hand, the autopsy said 'accidental overdose'? I think the combination of the drugs, are called K-hole, ( nasty sounding), I think he was getting high, and the dose was too much? Did he take his life on purpose? I don't know, mental illness is a beast. Ward had stop taking his medicine to keep him level, and functioning for some time. I just don't know. He is gone, that much I know. When we found him, the first thing I told him, was it was OK, and I will be OK, don't worry.
 I wanted him to know, that we would all be OK, and his spirit was free to fly. No quilt, no pain, it is what it is, it happened. I also told him that I believed he had lived his full life, and we were forever thankful for 24 years.
    Oh back to Wyatt...I was laying there and I needed some beads to pray and meditate, and I did not have them wrapped on my arm. And you know I was not about to wake a sleeping angel, period. So I looked around the room, and right in front of me, were the plantation shutters!! Yes, I will pray on each one, prayer shutters!! It keeps me focused, or my mind tends to jump around!! Duh!!
   So I told all the people that chose to 'check out', even those I do not know their names, that they are free to soar. I will miss there being on earth with me, they brought me soooooooo much joy. It is not my place to understand all!! We are all responsible for our thoughts and actions, and depression often skews the view. The dark is just too dark, for a minute. A minute too long.
    I hope mental illness of any degree, doesn't reach in to touch you, or your loved ones, but chances are it has. Call people, seek help, there are all kinds of clergy, doctors, people willing to help. Put the number on speed dial, because a lot can change in one minute.
        June, warm us up, and show us another day.

        Always
        B