Run Forest, Run!!

Today is the last day of June, 2010 and I'm running with scissors and an ice pick!!!into July.
I understand how Forest Gump tried to outrun his broken heart. You eventually have to come to a stop. July is my stop.
July 13, 2010, makes three years that , my Ward, has been gone.
I run though life, all the other months, working, functioning in some fashion. July is a different beast.
I relive each day, leading up to the 13th, thinking that I must have missed something. Did I love him enough. The answer is yes, I loved him everyday, and I don't think I missed any red flags, that would have helped me, help Ward. My mind replays every moment, the thirteen days of July, until he left us.
This July, I will try and concentrate on his precious life, instead of the events leading up to his death, or the specifics of the day he died.
The above posted picture, is one of my favorites. He was cute, silly and happy, and that's what I will remember this last day of June.
July will come, and it's OK.

Inspire Me!!

Another weekend adventure with Jamie, brought us to this delightful store. The name is re-inspiration, located in West Midtown, Atlanta. I adore that the owners decided to use lower case "r" in the name. The building that houses, the jewels, must have been a auto repair place, or gas station, the walls speak volumes. The temperature in the hull of this building was, Hot, Satin's mistress HOT, but easy to overlook. On the store postcard, it reads, a fusion of recycling, art and affordability. You have to admit that , fusion, is the word of choice. We looked and touched, and would have licked items, if allowed.
Brooke Schultz, talked to us at every corner, she knew we were, her people!!! I guess we may have been loud, the oooohh's and aaaahhhhh's and LOOK AT THIS!!!! On several occasions, I felt tears well-up in my eyes. Clever, creative people, inspire me. I feel very alive, when I witness art in the making. Two of the things that , stopped me in my tracks, were recycled eyeglass lenses, made into jewelry and Hand mirrors, that nearly stopped my heart. I can not explain these items, you need to see them. A handbag, or was it a pillow? made out of Spanish memory/matching game pieces. A scarf made out of the long sleeves of old t-shirts, and a quilt out of pieces of sweaters. I purchased stationary made out of old maps, and tacks made with vintage buttons, that looked like perfect pink nail polish!!!Yummy colors. I loved the rugs on the floor, the old dressers that displayed some of the items, and everything!!!! They also have classes, and the ideas were flowing.
We left with re-inspiration, about art, recycling, and ourselves. A tad overstimulated, just what a Saturday with my friend is all about. www.reinspirationstore.com

Wax on, Wax off!!!

Last weekend, we all went to see the remake of Karate Kid . We watched with bittersweet memories, being that it was one of Ward's favorites. Although he had many favorites. The acting was exciting and the scenery in China, beyond breathtaking. BUT....You know I cannot just leave a movie. I walked and talked, about my overwhelming impression, that we Americans have no discipline. Seriously, everything has a purpose, and in doing, you learn?? You know, wax on, wax off??? My family looked at me with, you are crazy eyes, mommy!!!
And the rant began..blah.blah.blah and while I was tutoring this precious young Asian student today, (went from movie to tutoring, follow me people!!) I had asked her what she was doing this summer, for fun. She showed me, The Box!!! She looks up and writes down, and learns new English words!!!!I'm her reading tutor, she has a Math tutor, she has a music tutor, and in her spare time she looks up words !!! Where is the Yin and Yang in that?? So I take her crafts, and stickers and fun things to do, I think she is lonely.I may be wrong? I think she may be onto something. This discipline for learning, seems to be lost to us. Back to the movie, I think when the teacher was asking the Karate Kid, to put his jacket on and off a peg, a trillion times, the kid did it. No American child would do that. They would roll their eyes, and walk away. This is a very broad assumption, but I don't think I'm too far from the truth.I think maybe we all need a box, to put new ideas in and new words. Maybe we even need to take our jacket on and off of a peg, to teach us manners?? We may need a little tai in our chi.

Finding My Religion

Oprah is getting on my nerves! Her Magazine, not so much. She continues to have many good articles to read. Finding My Religion by Catherine Newman, was a great piece. She is a nonobservant Jew, married to a disgruntled Catholic raised by skinny, malevolent nuns!!! No wonder she was searching. Brushed with tragedy, her friend's baby born at one pound, struggles to survive. She prays , Let there be an absence of grief. Also watching this tiny child flutter to breathe, her mantra was, " I believe she is going to be okay.That day there was a miracle, the baby grew up to be perfect.
I guess her question to herself, may have been ,"Who was she praying to?"
The Article begins when Catherine's child is asking her about this lady in a painting, "Is she sad?" They were in Florence looking at the frescoes. Mary was holding the lifeless body of her son. "Yes she is sad." What more could you say to a four year old.
She wondered if our entire religion generated from a mother's most fervent wish that her child not be dead? THAT is an interesting concept.
I love to read about other people's questions about their faith.
I also love pictures of Mary and Jesus, and I know her heart hurt.
Like mine.
Faith .....a personal journey.

The Stigma Still Lingers

Miss Rosalynn has a book out about mental health. It's title is, Within Our Reach; Ending the Mental Health Crisis. In her life, this subject has touched her. I think every family, has been touched. From alcoholism, drug addiction, OCD, ADD, Autism, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, bi-polar depressive disease, anger management problems, the list is never ending. Yet, they all carry a stigma. We still are not comfortable talking about mental illness, at any level. Mrs. Carter has tried to keep the issues on the front page. My question is, "Who is reading the front page lately?"
Me for one!!! This headline caught my eye. Salutatorian with Autism Rocks Graduation Speech!!!!
This family, The Duquette's were told to put their son in an institution, he was autistic. At his high school graduation he said, " Today I stand before you accepted into every institution of higher learning that I applied to, so I guess, in a way, the experts were right about the institution thing!" This young boy did not utter a word before five. No eye contact with people, still in diapers. Eric's mom, took on the challenge of being her son's voice, teacher, doctor and best friend. He learned sign language first and then the spoken language. He also was fluent in Spanish. He had such high anxiety about being around people, he had to have classes in the library, during off hours. He was smart, and people have a hard time looking past the disease.
I have lived this mom's struggle. My Ward and I, worked for twenty four years, to help him succeed, and try to fit in. He graduated college, without ever missing a day. He could not be around most people, his anxieties were so powerful. Very few teachers, ministers, neighbors, family members, reached out. They were probably scared of mental illness. To be honest, I was not very accepting of anyone reaching out. I was scared also, not knowing what to do myself.
We did good, learning each day. It was at times, torture for all of the family. He was always a good and perfect gift to us, and he is gone.
So reading these two headlines this week, brought back memories, and also hope. Hope that mental illness can be talked about and approached with kindness.
There are no limitations, when we are not silent.

Noodle for My Noodle

Forget Eat, Pray, Love, you just need a noodle and perfect pool day.

I have spent most of my life researching and learning about world religions. I like to cover all my bases. A christian, I am, a seeker of knowledge also.
My father, a tad agnostic, thinks like a scientist. He says..."Bonnie, the Bible is not even a good fairy tale!" ( I think he just likes to rattle my cage!) Mom, on the other hand, thinks Jesus walked on water!!!! They both hauled us to church, Sunday, Sunday night, Wednesday night, and every time the doors were open. Guess mom won!!! I grew up with a love of the lord, and knowing it was healthy to have questions about my faith.
I want to pray with abandonment, and I work at it.
So you can imagine when, I'm sloshing in the pool, with my noodle, I had a "come to Jesus" moment.
I leaned my head back in the water, and I heard my heart beating . I was floating and so at peace. People spend hundreds of dollars , to find that kind of peace. The pool was empty, except for my daughter Emma, sunning herself and speed dialing the dermatologist!!!
Listening to my heartbeat, was my mantra. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude. Glad to be alive and able to "be still!!!" AND... I was thankful for parents who taught me, to believe and trust my heart.
I also, looked at my noodle, and wished I had invented these simple floats! and once greed had left my body, I looked to the heavens and thanked God for whoever this noodle-floating person is!!!
AMEN!!

Meltdown

Early morning grief meltdown.
I was planning to go through all the sympathy cards, and throw them away. Ward has been gone almost three years.
That was my plan, I always have a bunch of plans, planned!!! I just DRIFT....
Time means nothing to me, I'm on vacation, in a minute sounds good to me.
Then it hits me, and I'm on the floor. I had not even looked at one card!!!! I was thinking about bringing Hart home from the hospital, and Ward's, little boy's face, looking up at me, with a million questions!!!! It was August and hot, maybe this heat triggered this moment. Maybe it is, what it is.
Nix, the card plan.
I had to get out of the house.
Pool time. ( Why does it take me so loooonnnnggg to get ready for the pool, I'm a pool-tard!!!, lotions, hats, towels, Ipod, diet coke, yogurt, plastic spoon)
I collapse at the pool, my grief and the sun.
Quiet warmth.
I sit in the cool water, when this little girl comes and sits beside me. She asked me my name, I asked hers. She is five, and she says, "How old are you?" " Well, little girl named Ruth, I'm fifty-seven!" Precious Rue's eyes got big, " You don't have much time to live, do you?"
"Yes, I do, I have a long time to live, and am looking forward to every second, like this one with you!" She swam away.
I gathered my things, and packed up my grief for another day.
I feel much better.
Out of the mouths of babes, pearls!!!!

Lucifer Unleashed

The heat index is 102 today in Ge-or-gia!!!!

"Dog days of Summer" have come early, and decided to stay awhile.
Dog days were originally believed to be an evil thing,seas boiled over, wine turned sour, dogs grew mad!!! Lucifer unleashed!!! I don't think so. This sultry heat will bake the meanness, right out of you!!! Unless you happen to be in New Orleans, where you could , howl like a dog!!!! It is truly one of the hottest places I have every been. I actually heard my sweat hit the pavement!!!
But here today, I'm ebullient!!and maybe a tad nicer, the jury is still out!!!
The hydrangeas are wilting, and so is their momma.
Hydrate,hydrate and hydrate, along with gross quantities of sunscreen.
It's a hot one, and that is OK by me.

Pool Party??

In Atlanta, Georgia every subdivision has a community pool. We are landlocked and privileged at the same time. A "pool perk" for the burbs. Of course you pay for it!!!! but...its euphoric! What price can you place on that??
My kids grew up in the water, we were there when the pool opened and closed. Many good memories.
Now it is usually just me, and I mean that literally!!! I go, "at my own risk" before people get there. No lifeguard on duty. Which is not a risk at all, the lifeguard could not save me, even on land!! When she arrived the other day, wearing a skimpy bikini, I thought...How can you save me, when you may be worried about your top coming off? and..How could anyone else save me, when they are looking at your Ta-tas!!!! Plus she weighed all of eighty pounds. She almost blew over opening the beach umbrella, for some pool patrons. I want an Olympic swimmer for a lifeguard, at least someone who can swim, AND how about wearing a tank suit, a one piece, whatever the name is of what Olympic swimmers wear. I want you to put on your sunscreen before you get to the pool, not while you are suppose to watching the water, for sharks!!! It could happen!!!! Also, would it be too much to ask for you not to wear your i-pod while combing the water with your , not so attentive eyes? What if I go under during a good song??Lifeguards should be able to swim the oceans, and above the age of fifteen.
Oh well, it was time for me to go home anyway, the fifteen year old boys were headed to the pool.
Now I know no one is safe!!! But we are all happy!!

Six Stacked High

Summer affords me more reading time. Not that I ever stop reading.....Summer just lets me read and read and read. I panic if I have fewer than six books stacked HIGH, ready to be consumed.
I have just finished, Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. I want every woman to read it. Its dripping with life lessons, or as she calls them AFGO! "Another Fucking Growth Opportunity!" We all have to try and grow and learn, don't we???
I confess I thought it was going to be more about our ideas associated with food and eating, and it is. But..that is only a small part of what makes us tick, and we are so interesting.
Stephen Levine, a Buddhist teacher, said that hell is wanting to be somewhere different from where you are!!! another pearl of wisdom, handed out at one of Mrs. Roth's retreats.
Also another teacher was asked, "How she allowed herself to tolerate deep sorrow, I live among the brokenhearted. They allow it." Catherine Ingram was her name.
I must read it again.
but now I'm knee-deep in Backseat Saints by Atlanta author Joshilyn Jackson.
The review in Sunday's paper, had me at Barnes and Nobles by noon.
It was described, Like reading a fired bullet!!!! and one of my favorite lines of all time, "a hundred different kinds of pure, naked CRAZY." Gawd, I love southern writers. Her characters are described as damaged goods, nursing deep hurts, that hiss like snakes on every page. Sweet Jesus, delicious.
So far, so good.
Summer reading, and the living is easy.

"Hair" today, oil gone tomorrow!!!!

Yesterday was my,every five weeks, trek to The Salon!!
Dena has been doing my hair for over ten years maybe fifteen, she is very familiar, she is practically family.We know each others life stories, we have shared much over the years.
Which is how it should be with your hairdresser, stylist, beauty person!!
There is no stone left unturned. Any topic is up for discussion. From Hollywood, to our children, the world, and occasionally hair styles!!
She knows that I will throw a big fit, if her magazines are not current, and she expects me to be loaded up on coffee!! Yesterday, I walked in with Chai Tea and Coffee!!! and our tongues began to "wag"
Of course we had to rant about the oil crisis, its on everyone's mind, and wonder why it is taking so long to fix. Over the course of these weeks, the coverage on the "big spill" has sucked the breath out of me. Sickness engulfs me, at the sight of this mess. We both thought we should go wash some birds, and ducks and turtles.
I told her, I need to do something, when to my left I saw a tub with a sign!!! Hair for the oil spill.
"Dena, What is this?" I called.
"Oh, we are saving hair for the oil spill, they put it in nylon and it absorbs really well."
" Where is my camera, this is great!"
"I know you are going to blog about this!"
"Maybe, someone will pass this information on, and all the Beauty parlors will start collecting!"
"This is too much, I love it, human hair saves our beaches!"Can I pay for it to be shipped? I want to do more!"(we are howling with laughter!!!)
" Find me an envelope, to put the money in, so when you mail the hair, it will be sent from me!!"
"Its the least I can do!"

I left with great hair, and a good deed, and pictures!!!!

I can't blame her!!

It's flip-flop season , and my feet are experiencing JOY in the purest form.
Freedom from socks, and closed toe shoes. Only walking on sand would increase my pleasure.

Most of the time, I travel shoeless. In my home and often when I drive. My "piggies" like to wiggle. So when summer arrives, I have no hesitation, bring out the sandals, and my beloved flip-flops.

There is one slight....problem. My darling, Crazy Diana, our cat, waits for summer also. She has an extreme fetish for flip-flops. She prefers cheep, slightly worn flippers. She shuns sandals, and even high end flip-flops. She is ADDICTED to cheap rubber!!!and in my mind?? I think she likes many colors.

I had to make a run to Old Navy yesterday, to purchase her toys. They often have flip-flops for one dollar. Yesterday's bargain was not so sweet, two pairs for five dollars. Still a great deal.
I was with my friends, who didn't question my purchase. I love it when your friends know you so well. Anyone else, may wonder WHY?? would someone buy her cat flip-flops? and actually ponder what colors to grab!!!

Of course I had to hit DSW for my flips, and dare Diana to touch them. I showed her the Nike logo, and reminded her , she did not like these.
Needless to say, she is a cat, I locked my closet door. She opens the door!!!! Not pushes the door open, she stands and turns the knob!!! all of the closets have locks on them. She loves,loves,loves her flip-flops.

I tell her, very lovingly?, that she could have been born in China, and been an entree!!!

She smiles, and bites her new flip-flop!!!!

Adult with ADD!!=ME!!!

Adults with ADD and no structure, is called Vacation on Crack!!
Right now I, looking at clothes to wash on the kitchen table, two TVs are on, with no one watching them!! and I'm listening to the birds and admiring my bamboo growing in the backyard, not to mention writing a sentence that has no end in sight........
I was washing some breakfast dishes and stopped to light a candle, and then go do some e-mail, and here I blog.
On my many lists that I have started, is make Doctors appointments, do some work for tutoring tomorrow,put clean sheets on all the beds, begin to work in the art room, throw the banana peel away that is see over by the candle!!!!
Most of the time ADD is fun, I have adjusted to it, over time and medication.
Now without the medicine for the past five years, I just go with the flow, or don't!!!
Rattled and scattered, things get done, just not in a timely manner. It allows me, to enjoy the minutes in between.
I begin to make up the bed, and stop to read a magazine, or meditate. The bed will wait!!!

Honestly my life runs better with structure of work, and organization. So as much as I cherish these few months off, I have to develop a routine or else!!!

Or else what???

Pleasure, quiet times, lunch with friends, gardening, reading books, strolling through antique stores, painting, playing with my paints, Being present in my life.

This vacation is looking better all the time, even if I'm still in my pajamas!!!!