If I Need To Be Wrapped In A Blanket....

NOTHING gets done.
I know I may have said, each year, that I was not going to complain about the cold weather.
That is just not going to happen, I have to write, to relieve my stress.
Use to smoke cigs, and drink too much, now I write.
Therefore I smell wonderful, have no hangovers, and am at peace in my writing.
Will you ever be a part of my story, sure. Will it always be nice, good chance, maybe not.
I collect thoughts, words and events from my life, and purge at a whim.
Just keeping you in the loop, so you can be aware of your good behavior.
Now......back to the title post.
If it is near 70 degrees, I have a sweater on. Inching towards 60 degrees, I'm an inside cat!!
40,30,20 you will just see my eyes, from under a blanket, carried with me, from room to room.
I can not get warm.
My beloved has tried to teach me, to layer clothes. The other day, my scarf got wrapped around the washer agitator, while trying to put clothes in dryer . It is not safe to have this many clothes on!!
I was going up the basement stairs, where I paint ( no one can paint, with the burden of sweaters and socks) with this huge blanket, and was stepping on it all the way up!! Trying to be careful, not wanting another new hip!! I gave that blanket to Lucy the Lab, she had her eyes on it for weeks.
My nose is cold, my ears are cold, my hands are cold, and trust me, I have enough meat on me to make a good sandwich, I should be warm.
If I increase the heat, my eyes dry up and I can't blink, and my nose bleeds. I have all kinds of cute humidifiers, that are running or I have not found, plus our furnace has humidity coming out also, as per Mr. Heater Man, the beloved, who sits behind me, as I type!!
You see Dr. Bill, the hubs, is from Buffalo, New York, he is dressed like a L.L. Bean catalog, layer upon layer!! I don't even wear a coat, it is like an albatross, I would rather stay inside. I think I may have some bear DNA in me, hibernating until you are hungry or a reasonable temperature, works for me.
You can not cook, or get dressed to go out to eat in cold weather, what do you do with the coats!! Seat belts nearly choke you in a tee-shirt and jeans, throw a big parka on and you are asking for the air bag, to take you out!! (long run on, I know!)
AND people, puffy coats and jackets look horrible on every human. Hoods look horrible, most sweaters are itchy, and lipstick does not improve the winter look!!!
I think Christmas decorations look just as nice, in 88 degrees or higher. Oh Holy Night can be sung by the pool or beach, and the smell of suntan lotion works all year round!! ( Just ask Bobbi Brown, Beach fragrance)
It is gray and empty looking in Atlanta today, and not yet too cold. (Not true, it is too cold for me, but maybe not you, 55 ish)
I tell my darling Bill, that I feel waves of grief and sadness pass over me, daily this time of year.
He said, it is probably the Holidays!!
The hell it is, I love Christmas, it is cold weather. It is not normal. Have you seen any pretty people in Alaska?? NO, you can not look cute, or act sweet in cold weather, period!!!
Then he said, something to the effect, that I look cute. ( I think that may have been a mirage, or wishful thinking on my part)
OR he was hinting that maybe he would like some lunch??
Now you know, that is not happening in the summer, surely not in my blanketed state!! I will give him half of whatever I have, that is like fixing him something, right??
Thank goodness, we are both loving, independent people. We just have polar opposite ideas of winter,
maybe polar opposite all things, but it works!!
In all kinds of weather, love wins!!
Stay warm, and be sweet people, in this climate of hatred and change.
Baby Jesus in the manger, he was swaddled in the manger, he had a good mom.
Blanketed and Holy, Merry Christmas.

What Reindeer ??

 I do not even know if I have written blogs, this month.

November has come and almost gone, and my brain is stuck on the top of the Ferris Wheel !!!
My mom is in a rehab facility, big changes happening, all around us.
Boston Baron kids, will come play with us for Thanksgiving. Food to cook, and order.
Christmas cards, are ready to send, I just cant seem to find my stamps, lists, and address return stamper!! ( I may have packed them with Christmas Decorations!)
Oh my, and when am I going to decorate, and buy gifts, and go see mom, and Lucy the Lab is acting like she is 100!!! Dinah the old cat, needs insulin daily!! no one wants to watch her while we make any plans, its all good!!
Hubs is recovering from hip surgery, doing great, but can we split the driving to Florida?? We could fly, but in Atlanta, that is another 4 hour ordeal, before you ever see the airplane. It is all good!
Just thinking out loud...
Watching Hallmark Christmas shows, for a month now, to calm my chaos.
A show was on, I don't remember its name, but this little kid was trying out for The Christmas Play.
His Dad or mom, or stepparents? ( I sort of watch) ask him, what part of the play did he get. He timidly says, The Fifth Reindeer. WHAT!! I yell at the TV, that is horrible. The adults are telling him, Oh that is Comet, he is a good reindeer, blah, blah, blah. I proceed to tell this child, this is not a good part, it means that you can not sing or act, and your parents did not donate enough money to the church!! They could make cardboard reindeers!! Then I gathered my voice, after my beloved hubby may have been looking at me!! I think he was laughing, but....who knows...
Well maybe the costumes are good, and you can ring a bell, but the Fifth Reindeer. Honey, (boy on TV) this is not good. I stuck with the program, and watched all the other kids get good parts, and worried the entire time( which is my best skill) about this child's future. Finally at the end, a Reindeer child, got sick, and they gave the part to a small dog!! Rudolph, they gave to the dog!! I told the child, that this is a big lesson for him. One-he was a team player and good sport, and that is good.
Second-Dogs show always get to play Rudolph, and you are on a good team, with that leader.
God Bless this boy, he held his antlers up real well, but his tongue and front legs begged like a dog.
Its all good, isn't it?????
I was Mrs. Santa Claus in 6th grade, with the most beautiful red shoes, I had a big part.( you don't think they gave it to me because I was chunky!!!) NO...Mom said I was the best....The best fifth reindeer mom!!! What about the lead in Oklahoma, I know I can't sing, but I had Hollywood stage style!! I was the fifth Reindeer, now I know!!
Well young man, from Hallmark movie, you will be fine. Keep putting your foot in the play, try everyday, forever. Some of us just Shine, go for it.
Happy Thanksgiving week, to all of you fifth reindeers out there.

Go Ask Patti

Know this, Patti Smith, is not all yall's , cup of tea!
In fact she can not be confined to a cuppa.
This child of the universe, has led 10 lives, in this earthly one, and she is not done.
Singer, songwriter, poet, author, artist, and soul searching person. She has fascinated me, for decades.
I saw her sing, only once, and I do not even like her singing. However she had me in her spell, I hung on each word, and scream, uttered from that body and mouth.
Her appearance is minimal to a fault, she treads lightly.
I have read all of her books, and love her writing, she is just plain interesting, period.
This past Sunday there was a book review, from The Year of the Monkey by Patti Smith, in the paper.
I thought, wonder what they will say. I can not find the right words to describe anything about this 70 year old woman of the world. She says, Life is about perspective, even the most mundane circumstances.
Personal journeys, we all have a story to tell. Longing, Love, Grief, cautious Hope.( by Bryan Reesman's article) We have to surrender to her style and be inspired. ( wonderful review Mr. Reesman, I borrowed some of your words)

She was best friends and lover with Robert Mapplethorpe, for many, many years. Friends until his death. She was best friends and maybe lover with Sam Shepard, and with him when he lost his life to ALS.Ms. Smith is in the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame. Many book awards have come her way, in countries all over the world. She fascinates me, and her new book, continued us on a journey together in reading.
Here below are some of the highlighted pages from me.
         1. You could count on him for anything. Anything except staying alive.
         2.Thirst will cease to be thirst and wounds will cease to be wounds.
         3.nobody knew the stories left undone
         4. Twenty-four percent of the population had elected the worst of ourselves to represent the other
         5.post election paralysis claiming us all
         6. I sat in the center of my own disorder. ( this is in reference to Polaroid photos)
         7.The Game pf Havoc, an uppercase game with a lowercase deity
         8.Do not act like you have ten thousand years to live
         9. Sliding the box back into its place I feel strangely off-center, a moment of sorrow's vertigo
(Sorrow's Vertigo, lord have mercy, powerful)
         10. Not just shards of love, as Sandy would say, but the whole goblet
          11. dreading the deceptively antiseptic corridors and invisible bacterial zones, that trigger an instinct for self-survival and the overriding desire to flee!!( long sentence Patti, but your description of a hospital, is spot on)
  Thank you for telling your story in so many ways, and for being born in my time.
  I end October with many thoughts, about how fast the days are, and how important it is to put pen to paper.
  Your words, your story, you never know who you will touch, teach, guide, or discourage.
  Elijah Cummings, told his children and friends, " I won't let you fall."
  How wonderful to hear.
  Clocks, turn back on Saturday or Sunday AM.
  I will have so much work to do, to take me out of this darkness and cold weather.
  Don't worry, I will only share my good thoughts with you. ( You know that is not true, I will bitch and moan, all winter. Know that is comes with love from me to you!!)( oh heck, I don't know if that is totally true either, just surrender to my journey, Patti style.)

The Idea of Place

My husband knows I like to read his Princeton Alumni Magazine, the articles are good and I like the listing of houses/apartments to rent all over the world. I have rented many a place from this list.
 Often he passes it to me, before he reads it, IF he reads it.
Wonderful article about Toni Morrison Remembered. She taught at Princeton since 1989, and this article talks about a Keynote address that she gave, October 25, 1996, for Princeton's 250th anniversary convocation.
    I will not type the entire address, just some things that jumped off the page to me.
She is talking about, the place, simple love of a place, the spirit of a place. She quotes Wordsworth's eloquent use of conceit that certain sites, natural sites, held genni which"spoke" to the contemplative passerby.
Ms Toni also quoted Geoffrey Hartmann calling, "continuum of wisdom of the dead and the energy of the living." In other words, the spirit of the place is animated by a reverence for the past that is forever mitigated by the present. ( Big words, big thoughts)
  Reading this caused me to think about places I have been, and will go. Houses that hold memories, yet have long been gone from our lives. Things, stuff, neighborhoods, halls, schools, parks, museums, churches, and Anne Franks House!!!!(where I fell out) Princeton is dear to me, because that is where I fell in love with my husband and Princeton.
  Right now we are trying to get my mother, Mary, to come live with us in Atlanta. She doesn't want to leave her belongings or her home, her city, her memories.
I tell her, memories you carry with you, and if needed pack up some stuff, and bring it with you. Whatever would make the move a little easier, her collection of ear bobs, stools, photos galore.
She enjoys being here, we enjoy having her, it is just so hard to let go of things.
This story about Ms. Morrison's speech, reminded me, that the spirit of a place that holds your heart travels with you, past, present and future.
 I just finished a book, called Ladysitting, My Year with NaNa at the End of Her Century by Lorene Cary ( I think that is the author?? I need my magnifying glass but its in the next room!!) ( close enough)  I love the term Ladysitting, and I loved this book.
We have to make space for people, breathe in the air, and make space. Grief needs more life and air to take in , we have permission to let people and things go. This Nana in the book, told her family that they took such good care of her, it was hard to die, when you feel so much love. ( I think we did that with daddy) Rejoice, is a word, often repeated in this book, and I love it.( I just love random words)
 It was a delicacy of resentment ( I love that sentence, amazing use of words) ( even out of context)
" Yes God is real," Mahalia sings so!!! ( amen!)
  Delight and Time, the wide-armed, fragrant mimosa to climb in summer, the fireplace to stoke in winter. ( its about choices, all day long!!)
 Princeton, Toni, NaNa, Ladysitting, all intertwined.
Patti Smiths new book, I will have to take an entire blog to give it my all. I hope you, whomever you are have read her books. Next time.
My place, right now, is typing this blog, listening to my husband shred something behind me, and being so thankful that his hip surgery complete and good. The day is gray, birds are singing, dog snoring, kids and grandkids, mom and Benjie, all good. Friends near and far, have a place in my heart, and grief stays tucked in, on most days. It too has a place.
 The Idea of Place, you take it with you.

I Did It

  Thank You Wyatt Heyward Baron for giving me the title to my blog, and so much to write about.
 
Even when a toddler is jumping from the top of a slide, to halfway across the room, to me laying in a hammock, he is proud, " I DID IT"
I took a breath, and said " Well, yes you did angel, but remember I told you not to." He ran to do it again. You try and keep them safe, and understand that they did jump really far, while keeping their teeth!!
 I moved the slide closer to me, so his jump was a little safer!! That way he keeps his, I did it spirit!!
 Uma rules sure are a lot different then Mama rules, of long ago.
 Later while tucking the morsel, in for a nap, apparently I was not doing the covers right. Wyatt may have screamed, "Dadtee" several times, when it clicked ( Uma can be slow) "Oh you want your daddy to cover you? Well angel, we will have to try, show me where the covers go, and explain to me, why you want the dogs blanket?" He pointed to his feet, so we tucked, and moved the pillows around, and I said, " How about me singing to you?" and he said, "OK" Then I asked, if he wanted me to sing Christmas Carols? and the angel child, said "OK" So we started with Oh Come All Ye Faithful, and he was out . I counted his fingers, and eyelashes, watched him for, more then a minute!! sniffed the dog blanket, to see how filthy it was, and wondered why he took it. Dog smell, is not all that bad!! Uma rules are, Out of the Box, three states over!!
 We go down to paint, after his nap, and yes the child has his own paper, easel and paints!! But he wants my paints, my good paints and pastels. Finally after we tried all of his chalk and paints, I agreed with him, mine were  better. So we start squeezing tubes, in a palette, also using a good sable brush!! He has a good eye, and will paint for a long time. He paints me, the floor a little, but tries to stay on his paper. He tells me, when he thinks he needs more water, and knows how to wet his brush. Cleanup is in the bathroom sink, feet and hands in, ( he is sitting on the sink, helping) He washes out his brush, and rinses his dirty water out, then tells me, where all the paint is all over the sink, so I can do that cleaning. Children are a sponge, they remember everything, you just have to teach them. I enjoy having a minute to watch him. Time for him to go home, and he is ready. Misses his mommie and dadtee, says his goodbyes, kisses and bolts. He loves his home, dog, and parents, and its cute to see. Hart, my son, his dadtee, takes home one of Wyatts masterpieces, its really good. The kid has a good stroke, eye for color, and expensive taste in paints!! and an Uma who is at peace with a mess!!
You Did It kid, enjoy every second, and then some.

Complicated Chorus

Thank You Marty Stuart for my blog title.
 A shout out to Ken Burns for his LONG series about any and everything. The one on Country Music has blown me out of the water!!!
   Over the last two weeks, I have watched my entire life flash before me, in the songs, lyrics, legends of Country Music.
   I have felt great pain that daddy, was not alive, to say, "I told you so!" on all of his early country people and their history.
   You see, I was the first born, practice child, and Daddy thought I was a mini adult! ( which I may have been). He taught me so much about music, and movies since I stood up in the crib.
 My first song, that I learned was "Lay Me A Pallet Down On The Floor" I think it had something to do with him watching me, lay on the floor as a baby. Some blanket or pallet was put down, and daddy watched me!!!?? For a minute, while mom hung clothes out on the line. He talked on and on, about Little Jimmy Dickens, Earle Scruggs, Mother Maybelle Carter, Lester Flatt, Foggy Mountain Boys, Eddie Arnold, Gene Autry, Jimmie Rogers, Poor Hank Williams, Patsy, Loretta and never stopping, the list is huge. You do realize that I was not walking!! Willie, Waylon, Merle, Cash, Acuff and The Possum, George Jones. The Statler brothers, and so many more religious singing groups, we watched on TV, Sunday morning as others were getting ready. Daddy and I were always first!! ( Gumby and Pokey gave me the creeps!) The Oak Ridge Boys were later, but you know they were on rotation!
  I know all of these peoples family history, and every song!!! and there are hundreds more names to add to the list. The footage of these Tobacco Road people, making music, touches me.
 Poverty entrenched in each note, and they sung. To survive, and pass on something pretty darn special. Is twang country music for everyone, probably not. BUT the history of it, should be taught in schools. Black Gospel, Honkey Tonk, Hillbilly, Bango and Steel Guitar, Blue Grass tingle down my spine, joy juice. Foot taping, tear jerking, American Art.
  The eight part, 16-hour, YES, 16-hour, where did it come from question, is answered. Homer Blackman Jr. that is where. Daddy you were right, and I knew it all. The hardships that people come from and you still had to sing. Ken Burns even included your beloved Gene and Cowboy music, it is a wonderful series.
   Thank you for giving me this gift, at such a young age. I know I never learned to play the spoons, but I did get the lesson, of a complicated chorus.
 ( Dad we don't use the word midget, anymore to describe Little Jimmie Dickens!) and ( You are right Hank Williams Jr. should have been a baker.) ( Tommy and I liked him anyway!!)

There Are No Lifeguards

   I Miss You When I Blink, is where I found the above title.
  Worth a quick read, for sure.
  Sweet little pearls of life wisdom, sprinkled throughout.
  I thought about No Lifeguards, the metaphor for rescue, I think, all week.
  It was the year anniversary of my brother Tommy's death, and we had no lifeguards.
  We could not even have a funeral, (as per his wishes) even if we had mustered some strength.
   There were no Lifeguards, that Saturday.
   Knowing your brother is going to die soon, does not cushion the blow. I told him years ago, goodbye, in my heart. I saw what was down the road. About five years or more, of self destruction, and a heart of gold, No Lifeguards.
   We Miss him when we blink, for sure.
    The months from June through August were meant to stay blank, quote from the book, that spoke volumes to me.
    Here are a few others;
             The ship of bitchy ingratitude has sailed, so why not climb on board and sail it somewhere interesting? ( come on, that is great, climb on board!)
             I don't cook when I'm on my own. I graze. It's one of the small measures of tenderness I grant myself, the removal of all the pressure to feed and water all things!! ( I added all things, I stopped the copy finger. This is so true, be tender to yourself, we don't have to feed and water forever!!)( My everyday of Thanksgiving cooking, is gone and its a relief)
             (I just read the title again on page 172) It reads, But nothing really guards our lives. Lifeguards don't exist! ( I was close)( Yes, there is a God, is she a guard?!) ( Hard to swallow when you bury a child) ( I do know there is Jesus in the manger, so I have some faith) ( I just know Lifeguards do no exist!!)
            It's also miserable. I hate that I can't relax. I wish I didn't have to-do lists in my peripheral vision all the time!! ( which brings me to my close of day, last night) ( thank you for this line, Ms. Philpot)

Bill, hubs, goes to bed early, and I stroll up, in the summer, after eleven. Our routine is pretty much, the same, nightly. TV is on, loud, when I start up the stairs. Cat crying for my attention, Bill is asleep, and I ask myself, WHAT is this crap you have on the tube!! Screaming people, out of control chaos, how can you go to sleep with your mind listening to this mess!!! ( you know he has not heard a word I said, but that does not stop me!!) I apologized to the Cat, so sorry that you had to see humans, CONGRESS, acting like loons, I could not click quick enough.
To the Old peoples channel, and there was Guess Who Is Coming To Dinner, GLORY!!! Thank you, Thank you, Sidney Poitier. Now there is a Lifeguard!! I was wrong, we do have them. In all kinds of places. I told Dianna, the cat, that we can go to bed, at peace, with a voice like an angel, and skin the color of beauty! She agreed. We watched for about 10 min, and turned off the telly. I fixed my three pillows, up high, so I can see all around the bed, for any monsters!! ( Old habits don't go away) I sleep almost upright, waiting to hear if the babies need me!! I thanked God for Sidney, and I have been good, and if you have any heavenly strings to pull, you know, UP THERE!, please let me dream about him. I smiled and God smiled back, I could feel a hand on my back. Such peace, until the claws went in a little too deep, Dianna was having a Sidney Dream at the same time, and hers was epic!!
I swatted her off my back, telling her to find her on dream, This lifeguard is mine!!!

Kit da Ball

    This week I asked Wyatt ( number 3 gran) if he wanted me to come watch his soccer game. He replied, " Kit de Ball!" I think that may have been a Yes!?
     I love little toddler language, and we talk a lot.
     If I don't understand, after a few seconds, he will say, "Come On!" and then point!! ( all the while thinking, what the heck Uma, I was saying doughnut!!)
     A couple of weeks ago, precious spent the night. We had put him in his, Big Bed, so going to sleep was going to be fun. We talked about everything in the room. All of Emma's trophies, (it use to be her room) ( maybe it still is??) all the stuffed animals, including the softness of the Alligators tail. How many songs, I was going to sing, life in general. ( The husband says, how can he go to sleep, you just lay up there and visit!!)
   I think he may need to tell me something or learn something new!!!
   So we talked, and we moved around on the bed, tested pillows, and no pillows, until he fell asleep. I slowly kissed the top of his head, and UP HE JUMPED!!  In the dark, he pulled my head to his mouth and kissed it!!! then went back to sleep!! I whispered, " You could have stayed up another hour, for that cuteness!"
   I think when we raise children, there is never enough time, to just be with them. There seems to be laundry and dishes, school lunches to make, busy days of things that could wait. You don't realize the brief time period you have to lay on the bed an talk to these darling, wormy kids.
   When you become a grandparent, you just get to be present. It is a pretty cool thing. I may not understand all that Wyatt says right now, but I will stay there to listen, till the cows come in.
   The boy is playing soccer, as I type, I have had a bad cold, so I am resting for my toddler time, this afternoon.
   Let me go grab an inhaler, and pause before, my toddler buddy, soccer star comes rolling in, for some talking time!!!
Happy Saturday, go Kit de Ball some.

Lend Me A Halo - Avril Lavigne

    I admit to loving tiles of blogs, as much or more, than the content!!
    Sometimes they can relate to what I may be thinking, but most often, no connections. Just something I heard, and it spoke to me!!!
    My blog will begin on this very first day of September, storm watching, weeding flower beds for some fall colors, and gathering the info that is scrambled in my brain. I have shells to put away, summer is gone, and that tends to cause my throat to close!! SO I put if off, it will get done, maybe.
 My buddy Wyatt has been painting lately, so I ordered some new rolls of paper, that need to be put on his easel!! Projects, galore. ( Pause to take off my fit bit, can not type with it on!!) ( and sitting here, I am not taking any more steps.) ( I only wear my fit bit to see how badly I sleep!!) ( yet am still in a good mood!)
     OK, back to life.
  I read another book, that I did not like, and it baffles me. I had a very long, two minute, conversation with my hubs about this crisis. I explained my problem, and asked if he ever knew me to read two bad books, or any not so great books. I think he said, " Not that he know of!" ( not a good answer)
 I then asked him if my being diagnosed with early macular degeneration, and waiting for my blindness to come, has caused me to read bad books!!! ( note, hopefully this will be a long process and I will just go blind, when I can no longer tolerate looking at anything!!) ( DNA)
    He hummed, "I don't think so." I began to get a little louder, "This is serious!!" "What if I have lost my ability to pick good books, and apparently my friends have also!" The Doctor, told me, "Pick another one!!"
   So I did, from the six or ten, that I always have downloaded or in print, to grab.
   I read three pages and let out a hard sigh.
   Woke the sleeping man, that I had married and said, " I have good news, my book is good, it was just a fluke, and I can still see!!" I think he may have said, "Why did you wake me?" but I think he was quiet and thought it!! He is a good man, of little conversation.
    Now my blog was going to be about Watching Wyatt, so I will end on that drink of Joy.
    We try to get him once a week and see him on weekends if possible. Toddlerville, is not easy, but he is so worth a few extra Tylenol.
    This week, he was looking at the roof of my car, saying "stars." I asked him, "What are you talking about?" "Stars in the sky, yes and the moon?" That wee little person said, "NO" waving his arms, around, like there were stars on the roof of the car!! I screamed, " YES, I remember!" Last week I had on this necklace, that reflected the colors of the rainbow and stars all over the car and us!! It was magic, and beautiful and fun. I gasped, " I have on the wrong necklace, oh Jesus!!" WyWy did not get it. I proceeded to explain, that I promise forever, I will wear that special necklace in the car to pick you up from daycare. I then went on to explain, that we will also need sunshine, and that could be a problem. He was OK with my talking, and said, " No stars?" I shook my head, and he sucked on his juice. Kids remember everything, don't ever forget that parents, teachers, all humans!! and if you ever find stars in your car at any time, like fireflies sparkling all over, wear the same necklace again!!
Wyatt Wisdom from his Uma.
Now if someone would lend me a Halo!! ( listen to the song, because Miss Lavigne fell in love with a devil!! she needed a Halo, as we all do!!) ( from time to time)

Are Snippets Enough??

  Having just suffered through, The Guest Book by Sarah Blake, I took pause.
  I did not like anything about this book, but I don't concentrate as well in the summer.
  I almost never, dislike a book, and if I do, I will not finish it. I stayed with this mixed up story, wondering why.
  So I decided to see what, if anything, I had highlighted. What snippets of pearls, did I need to read again. There were many, and wicked, awesome. How can these many great sentences and parts of, end up being a bad book. I even thought, maybe I should read it again, in winter?? ( not happening)
   I leave you here with some highlighted material, of a not good read.
               1. What good could come of flushing everything up to the top! ( Nothing!!)
               2. drank in his smell ( delish)
               3. Someone once asked me if I thought there was a story for each of us. ( For sure)
               4. You got to have an endgame. You've got to give people the tools to get them there.
               5. "It's all over your face." He was smiling. " A girl like me ought not to look out loud."
               6.  " The ought's" ( think about that for awhile!)
               7. venom is best defanged by calm.
               8. Words are just empty boxes stacked on a shelf.
               9. Adumbrating ( I had to look that up!!)
              10. tumescent quiet
              11. it ceded glory to daylight, which lingered, longing to stay
That is just a snippet of highlighted stuff, and it was not enough. I did not care about these people nor could I keep up with who was who?? Honestly I could not connect the dots in the family, or what time period they were talking about. It baffled me, and caused me to think about how often, all we get are snippets of someone's life. Texting, email, facebook, cards or letters ( if you are lucky), have we lost connecting the dots. Listened to someone tell their story? How was your day? What are you doing? OK, and nothing are snippets!! and it is not enough.
  I probably overshare my thoughts and day to day hoopla, but you know where I am coming from. You share my grief and my joys. I hope you learn from my mistakes and my victories.. I tell my story, in pieces but you get the idea.
  The book was not good to me, but it taught me a lesson. So was it really a good book?
  I need to listen more, look at a person in the eyes, and hold onto their story, long or short.
  I do love the highlighted verse though!!
  Highlight something good, everyday!!
  Yes, even a snippet.

There Will Always Be An Audience For Nonsense

 I heard this pearl of a sentence, this am, don't know who said it? Maybe some news person, but it reminded me so much of daddy/Homer saying, " Carney People, they are everywhere." ( I think that is the same as fair people, and maybe circus freaks!) ( up for some thought)  I just liked it!!
  Another jewel I heard early in the a.m. " I need to lay my eyes on you!!" said by Robin Roberts. A southern mama, may say this occasionally. My mom will call me, and say, " I just needed to hear your voice." which I think may be the same thing. We all text so much, a phone call is pretty good now and then. ( I just don't answer my phone, so it could be a problem!!) ( I hate talking on the phone!) ( I talk with my entire body, how do know what I am trying to say!!)
    OK enough, prattle.
    I woke up on this Hot Monday, happy as a clam, singing, Hooked On  A Feeling!! Then had to look up who sang it because my brain has embraced 67 with a vengeance!! B.J. Thomas, gosh, how lucky am I to have all this music stored in all the nooks of my brain!! I surprise myself, singing before my feet hit the floor, It's a huge plus!!
   What I was going to tell you about is my Dream!!
My nonsense has an audience, and for that I am thrilled.
I dream every night, and wake up with some knowledge of the dream. ( My mom dreams also, like me) ( DNA)
I  hurry to jot down stuff, before it all slips away with the next tide of thought!!
Here is my list: Tennis, or maybe golf
                          Baby, big baby, Sister
                          House/pool
                          Bad showers
                          Dr. Jackson
                          Bow ties, preppy clothes
                          car lost in parking lot
I was so happy to visit with Dr. Jackson, he is often in my dreams. Still looks the same, and remains snarky. I think Dr. Hurayt  was a guest also. I was taking care of a large baby, and trying to get my sister to help me. Lived in a beautiful house, I think I was on a house tour.? Backed up to a lake and tennis gold course Where I visited with Dr. Jackson. I needed to take a shower, and he was not willing to wait on me, every shower I went to was yucky. Then I finally came back to a room, like in a hotel, to visit and he was out of time. I told him, that was special, but he had to help me find the car, and he could visit on the way. I explained to him that bow ties, don't look good with tennis clothes, and I know he didn't play tennis?? Did he?? Nah?? He walked too fast, and was a pain, but we both laughed and it was fun. I woke up, so happy to have shared some time, with an old friend. Dr. Hurayt, was around, I just don't remember too much, he is an old, friend, shrink that I still miss. He always said, "I will pay you money Bonnie for your time here!" and my reply was " OK, saves me $200.00 an hour!" Apparently he enjoyed my stories, good, bad and ugly! He is a good human. Dr. Jackson was a good human. So thankful to have been surrounded by wonderful people and animals in my life, even in my dreams.
         Just thought I would share.
         If you don't tell your own story, who will??
        Honey, I am laying all out on the table, life is a banquet and I am fixing my plate!!


                       

What Would Doctor Price Do??

WWDPD, I need on an armband.
My birthday was yesterday, 67 sounds great to me. I love odd numbers.
In my time to reflect, I think about people who have touched my life in small ways, and in huge ways.
Dr. Price, always comes to my mind. My pediatrician!! Morris to his friends.
I use DIAL soap to this day, because Dr. Price told momma that it was the best soap for germs!!
Whatever Dr. Price said, was near gospel.
Whatever Dr. King, Dr. Blackburn and Dean Cerveny said ( later Bishop Cerveny) ( Maybe King, I don't know)was holy and heard!!
Later Dr. Walklett, Dr. Robert Miller whatever they said, I learned and held onto that knowledge.
Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Friends, too many to count ( very blessed) help me get to 67 with joy.
I believe everyone is a teacher, so think before you do or say anything!!
I remember everything forever!!
I thank all my mentors, doctors, teachers, preachers, boyfriends ( I was not going to leave them out!) and love ones! I lift your names in honor on this birthday, and each day, you come to mind. I am a good human, due to the people around me.
Special thanks, to Homer and Mary, Trudy, Benjie and Tommy, were my stories begin and come back to.
 I remain a work in progress, and if Dr. Price was alive, I would call him right now.
 Would he know the answer to why my husband (god bless) bought me a new lap top for my birthday, when I asked for a bird feeder?? ( I love it, but it will take me until next birthday to become friends with Stella!) ( I name everything)
  Could Dr. Price explain to me, Why wasn't seeing Mr. Trump make fun of a disabled man on TV enough? To not vote for him, his past New York actions, were enough. His vulgar talk of woman and their Hoo Ha's was enough. He is a pot stirrer of filth, why isn't that enough?? Dr. Price would at least listen to me, he was gentle and calm.
 Send me some of your calmness wherever you are Dr. Price. This political climate has made my birthday, 'Not Nice' ( as Wyatt would say)  Dr. Miller would tell me to read, and research. Dr. Blackburn would tell me to pray. I choose to write and vent and share, what is in my mind!! with yu lucky few.
  I resent Trump using up my valuable days, so I will leave that subject to the masses.
  Yucky stuff.
Now to leave you with a book to read.
Nanaville by Anna Quindlen for all you grandpa's and gramma's out there. I think even for the parents with these babies, that we call our grandchildren. This is a wonderful book of real love.
Maybe next blog I will share some of my highlights, this new computer is making me tired.
READ IT!!
I will celebrate all of August, people I love were born in this month, truly special people. All other months are special too, kinda!! August rocks with great people. Maybe all summer months birthdays, Oh heck, don't get your feelings hurt. Maybe just say you were born in August!! It is a glorious time to be born, I will share it with you. Who will know??
Love, Love and More Love

Art of Movement

   Surround yourself with wonderful people!! All shapes, colors, religions, personalities, and make sure they are nice humans.
   Simple. Yet..
   I have been highly favored, with the best circle.
   Last week two of my buddies sent me a coffee table book, EARLY (they know me!!) about the Art of Movement. It was a surprise and took my breathe away. The human body in the motion of dance, honestly, maybe that is for sure heaven. Hands, feet, arms, legs, chests, abdomens, neck muscles and no music. However I heard the music through the photographs, and a tutu!! Come on, toe shoes, tap shoes, no shoes. Thank you MP and NB, and then the beads, to help me pray that I am this dancer!! I will use the book to help me, just be in the present, paint some of the photos.(Not the ones I may have licked!!!) Thank you for loving me UP!!
   Then I started thinking, July has been 100% all Art.
   Had another opportunity to hear and see, The Rolling Stones, with my brother. At first we could not speak, I felt Benjie's hand on my shoulder, not words were needed. Finally I turned, and he said, "I know, don't say it!" Keith Richards is older then God!! He was up on the 60 foot Jumbo Tron, and in our laps!! God Bless his bones, I reminded Benjie that he wrote children's books now, and then we just breathed out some, "Thank God they are alive and well to still rock our world!"
   The Art of Jagger, was a holy miracle, old and cute, ugly cute, I adore him. I could not listen for watching his every move. Every twitch of his hands, body, mouth. Mercy, he is a bottled up hurricane, blues magic, rock n roll classic, old, pitch perfect human!!! A Jumping Jack Flash, electric ride with all the boys of summer. Thank you B for letting your sister dance in the aisle, it was a night to remember. Thank you T, in the universe, for sending us some breeze, we both knew you were with us! We were high on granola bars and water for this go-round!! We are old and still concert going kids!! I think my mother was more excited then us, we sent her a selfie, of her babies at The Stones, once again.
      That brings me to The Art of Family, in this month of July.
     We had Bill's sister Jenny here from Chicago for a few days, so enjoyed seeing her and talking like magpies!! My family stories tend to tramp down Bill's, we are a rare!! So it was nice to hear Jenny talk about their stories. Photos galore. Jenny introduced me to my hubs, so I like to thank her from time to time! She was a good match maker, 38,39 years ago, I have lost count.
    Then after The Stones concert, Mother Mary (mom) graced us with a car ride back to Atlanta for a trial run of long term visiting. We laughed and talked, until I told her my tongue was swelling, for a week.I had the pleasure of doing things for her. She is use to a life of service, wife and mother, now she can find her, we hope. She is frail and strong, passive and NOT, she is our mom and NaNa, and we are lucky to have her with us, still learning and living her best self. ( am trying to get her to skip the perms!! Baby steps!) My brother came to pick her up, and she could not wait to mop her kitchen floor, God bless her new journey, where ever she may land. Love you Mama.
  July is almost finished, fast and busy, and beautiful.
  Happiness flows through me, to embrace August with a smile.
  Thank you July, it was pretty special, heat included.
   Love
   Bonnie

   

Tannis Anyone???

 I just had to come into the computer room, to escape my endless hours of watching tennis.
 When the season is hot and happening, I will get up in the wee hours of the morning to watch. Lucky Wimbleton has started at around 7, and I have been glued! Lucky for me it is also 'Devil Baby" hot outside, ( hence the title of blog) so I don't feel terribly guilty for being in the prone position for too long. What the heck, you should know, I do not do senseless guilt!!
  There is something so soothing to watch tennis, and golf. A grand way to work out all of your anger issues, by hitting a ball, to kingdom come.
   I had a tennis coach that would always encourage me at the net, nothing was getting past me, and help you on the other court, if you are standing too close. Sweat and swinging, and no Castevets!!! ( another clue to the title)
   UPS truck just pulled up, I love that truck!! people should send themselves something, for no reason, except to get a package and thank the UPS people!! ( Off topic, but adds to my joy!)
 Now back on, no topic really, just a Saturday Bonnie thoughts.
   I am getting ready to lay in this heat, on the back porch with just a fan, because I live for this sultry heat wave. To finish up a book I am reading, The Guest Book, by Sarah Blake. 17% into the book and I have to finish it. I had to let the husband know, that I will be with myself for a longer than usual spell, and to just check on me hourly for heat exposure!! Yesterday I texted him from two rooms away, to bring me my kindle charger and a battery, and told him he could use that time, to make sure I was doing OK!! Would never want him to think I was totally not capable of getting the cable myself!! It is not easy to get up out of the hammock, in this heat!! Plus he likes me, and he could watch whatever war movie was on at the time, by himself. Win, win!!
   Anyway back to this book, a couple of quotes to temp all you readers out there.
                 1." We see it differently, Harry. But we want the same things." ( do we really?? now?? in this great divide?? I am not sure at all)
                 2. When summer was a verb. ( I just loved that entire sentence)
                 3. A woman was meant to tend a child, a garden, or a conversation. ( Have mercy)
                 4. arguing that although the bedrock of every Western hierarchy rested upon a silent woman!! ( we still have so much work to do)
                 5.Life is wide, girls, cross it with your arms open.
                 6. " Wars, plagues, names upon tombs tell us only what happened. But History lies in the cracks between."
That about sums up a few hours of my morning, I made a tomato pie last night, that kings and queens could dine on!! So I will have leftovers for lunch.
Enjoy your day, however you find it, make it wonderful, yummy, peaceful and learn something.
Like Tannis root?
RoseMary knew.
   

Riding The Elephant

 Craig Ferguson wrote this book, Riding The Elephant, it will be my point of reference on this blog. I will use his words and mine to mesh my story, my perception of what I see. That is all we can do, write what we see, and borrow from others.
  There is an elephant in every room you go in, each phase of your life, and on any given day!! That gentle giant, Dumbo's mother is in the ROOM!!!
    What families skirt around, friends talk about anything else, and now with politics, it is a very large ELEPHANT with tusks and poachers!!!
   Do we discuss , the nice sweater Bing Crosby, or the young, angry, beat-the-kids Bing Crosby?? It is hard to navigate conversations, we chew down feelings in the south, especially!! We may park our crazy on the front porch, and offer a glass of sweet tea, but god forbid you discuss anything wrong.
Mental Illness is never an easy subject, and I promise you we all have a touch!! OCD, depression, full tilt breakdowns, on any day, that elephant is in the room. Like the same sense the BORGIAS were also a family!! so many trapped in resentment and alcohol, old age and disconnect, blue wave and beyond belief in your countries sanity. A discordant hymn, of fear and loathing, there is an elephant in the room.
    Having lost my brother and father within a few months of each other, I look to see how the changes in my family will occur. We are not the same people, I hope we are even better. Stronger, kinder, wiser, gentler, but....chaos and crisis can sure stir a pot. Daddy Homer would say, " Its just life Bonnie, pure and simple. Good and bad, circus freaks and people to pay money to see them.Make
good choices, and get off the pot!!!" ( Pot being toilet, in that metaphor!!)
   I want people to be safe and happy, well, whole, and give back. I think that is why we are here, to leave a good footprint. It is about The Ride, how you ride the elephant. Hold on!!! It may be uncomfortable, change, big changes, but we all have to keep trying.
  And just think, what is sweeter then an elephant, big old ears just flapping, listening to all of us, trying to figure this stuff out!! Read this book, very funny and sad, and just life, from his perception.
 While  I have a minute, another book to read, if you have lost a parent, is How to Forget by Kate Mulgrew. I loved it. It is always good to read that what you are feeling, has been felt by others. I am the only Bonnie Blackman Baron, that lost my daddy, Homer lived very large, but others have lost their parent, children, spouses, its an interesting book, even if you have not even lost a bird!! or turtle!! Read it.
       Couple of lines from the book:
          I realized with a dull, heavy certainty that she would never again in her life know pleasure.
          I feared the family would be constitutionally unable to withstand another breach.
          The reality of what lay ahead of us was not only daunting, but terrifying, and because of this our vision was blinkered.
           We are a strange little band, pretending to make jokes but only half listening to one another.
           I love all of you, but some of you better then others. You know who you are.
           She despised and fear mediocrity
           mothering years warning us against the unending perils of "herd mentality"
           I'm having a sinking spell, Kitten. Get me a cold cloth and some ginger ale.
           We had taken wildly divergent paths, and in so doing, we had lost each other.
           Her father was TIRED into death.
I could go on for days, this is a fab book about life and death of both parents, and family hoopla.
Homer would say, Ride the Elephant or join the damn circus!! I miss him.
         

 

In Case I Go To.......

  INDIA??
  Chances are very slim, I have a problem with a cacophony of sounds, smells, colors, people. I think India would hit me in the face with ugly and beauty at the same time. I have aged too much to be able to pick my way through. I think. However, I have always wanted to go, and pray.
Eat, Pray, Love is my mantra, and I think her trip to India either inspired me, or keeps me at bay.
My daughter, Emma, is adopted from India, and I do hope one day, she gets to see all the good, that helped make her. She is very much like me, even though she would say, not Really!! We had gone to see Slum Dog Millionaire years ago, and about half way through the movie she leaned over, and said, " You know we could never go there!" Granted the streets of Calcutta, would pull at me, I would touch every non-touchable person, and she knows it. The smells of poverty, I promise you, I would not make it. I smell things like a dog, all my senses are 10x normal. Emma has asthma, so it may not be the best place for her to visit, but I tell her, "Those are our people." Then we both agreed about curry and rickshaws, big negative. I read every book about India, to better understand my love of their people, and help Emma understand her roots.
  She would probably tell you, I read every book known to man, but that does not negate my love of India.
  Anyhow, why am I going on about this??
  My pray beads, Mali prayer beads broke during daddy's funeral and I have been beside myself with angst.
   I have tried to order them, and three different times, they have come back wrong. One day, I told Bill, I cannot pray with chia seeds!! I need my beads with the red thread and the knot between each bead. They are some seeds or part of a tree, but I forgot the name.
You see, after the book Eat, Pray, Love I needed her kind of beads to pray with, to meditate, to calm my mind, so I could pray!! Its the repetition, and the knot in between!! It causes you to pause, before the next bead. My friend, Jamie, found me some for my birthday about 12 years ago, and gave them to me when Ward died. One, I always like an early Birthday present, it was July, and they saved my life. I continued to hold them, and use them for all these years, and at daddy's funeral, the thread broke. I still use them, but cannot wear them on my wrist or neck, to have with me, as needed.
  All of this, maybe does not make sense, that is OK, its my peculiar tick!!
 The Hubs says, "You have thirty sets of rosary beads, from all over the world, they work." I calmly and sweetly replied, " It is not the same, Jesus or Mary are on those beads, and they don't feel right on my fingers!" ( Yes I do say the Rosary at times, but anyone with ADD brain will know, my mind wanders)
 Why do you need beads, you may ask?
 Here is a normal prayer for me, no beads.
 Jesus, Jesus, are you listening
 I have many huge things to pray about, ( I wonder what the name of this polish is on my nails, I love it) 
Take care of my mom, you know she needs to eat, and move up here. ( I think I am going to throw her in my car, next trip) ( that polish had sometime to do with the color of a pigs tail!)
My family needs you, heck we all need you, this country is messed up. ( people need to travel more, they really don't understand the world) ( but it costs so much, how are the poor suppose to travel)
( maybe read more books) 
Thank you for my bed, and husband, OK maybe I should have put him first!! My husband and my bed, and my pillows!!!
Ok, now I am getting antsy, have I told you about my bead problem. ( those kids in those cages need food and medicine, they are not worried about prayer beads) I KNOW THAT, but in order to pray for each person, say their name, their request, I need beads.
 I will keep looking, my throat is closing up, thinking about them. Can you calm me down.
Please look in on all my love ones, that should be up there with you, or zooming around the universe. Smile at them, or touch them, they are pretty neat people. You made them!!!
OK, this is getting on my nerves,
Keep loving me
Your child
Bonnie
Now can you see my problem, I either need to go to an ashram and learn to pray better, or just find some beads. ( Jesus, do you hear me, send me some or guide me to the website) ( the knotted ones)
 It is a gloomy, rain drenched morning, a good day to pray, and I am without beads.
 My blog is a little prayer, I think I am good for the day.
 Hope you have said yours, and keep me in your prayer loop!!
 Eat, Pray, Love you
Bonnie
Note the above beads, top no knot, no good, bottom has knot, but wrong bead!!!

These are sandalwood with knots, but they are not right either. 

my research begins

A Little Fosse

 

  All of my kids and grans were here for a spell. Chaos and sticky hands, massive gab fests, a clutter of fun, and happiness. There are no words to describe how lucky I am. Maybe, favored, or blessed, would suffice. They are all so different, and yet you can see the sameness, running through these Baron Kids. I love to watch their interactions, and hear their stories, all told with a different flair. The holiday was hot and holy! But.....(but is always waiting in the wings) our Ward was not with us. Yet he was the main topic of conversation on many of the days. Yes I have five children, and forever we will feel a large loss. Certainly how we live, and continue to tell his story, keeps him in the loop of fun, and our hearts beating.
     This book I am reading, which is super sad, but the most true grief book, I have ever read. I started after everyone left. Don't ask me why, I knew I wanted to read it, but...(there it is again) maybe the house being so quiet, was not the greatest time. Honestly there is no great time for grief reflection, you just have to jump in.
   ONCE MORE WE SAW STARS by someone with the last name Greene ( first name is covered up by a check mark on my Kindle, you can find it.)
   I think this person knows my insides, my pain, my loss. It is very hard to read, at times, but also beautiful. Grief can be both. He writes that the death of his daughter, Greta, was like he was evaporating, or burning up on contact. A penny slipping under dark water. You are flooded and need new instructions on how to breathe on this new planet. They did not get much time together, is there ever enough time. I miss my daddy, something horrible, and his body was very ready to leave this earth. It is just so hard. Losing a child, is not even in anyone's brain, on how to survive. This story for this family, this author is real. Life is real, we learn to live with sadness. We all do, in some form or another. I think everyone should read grief books. Mr. Greene thinks about how the real pain is not the mangled leg, its the way the bones are set. Maybe you know someone who needs this book, or maybe you need to be reminded of what others are going through. I don't really know, I just read and share with you my thoughts. This book takes my breathe away, and causing me to breathe with calmness.
     Now full circle tilt, all I need is a little Fosse.
 The series on the telly, Fosse and Verdon, brought me so much happiness that is pouring out of my body to this page. They are my Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. He was brilliant. Every hand move, foot move, I had to stand up in the den!! and hold my chest. I danced and sang, and watched his every move. I am flexing my feet right now, to almost a toe position!! I wish you could see it!! My Jazz hands are terrible, but I try. The turn of his head, his hat, his small body, he was Bobby Fosse, the best. Did GwenVerdon, help make him? I like to think so, she was molded by him and put up with him for her entire life. He was a dope addict, a drunk, a womanizer, and the best dancer and choreographer, and director, and writer. I often think, sometimes, you can not have one without the other, and that is a shame. Each night I would go to bed, practicing all my singing and dance moves. The hubs who was many hours asleep by then, would ask, "What are you doing?"  I would whisper, " ALL that Jazz!! Sweet Charity! Cabaret!! Chicago! I am learning from the best!" and would end with a jazz hand, very near his head!! As with grief, sometimes there are no words for brilliant happy dance moves and musical theater!!!

     I truly am so happy, and I hope that you can grab some of it. I send it your way, with a tip of my hat, and best Fosse moves I can muster!! Enjoy your family, and grab a book, and all that Jazz!!!

You Are My Story and Next In Line!!!!

    Mothers Day was yesterday, and I am reminded,You Are My Story.
My life is full of so many stories, because of five children and three grandchildren. Every word you all say, and your actions carry a part of me with you. Be kind, think before you vote, work hard, never stop learning ( education never stops), play hard, but not always enhanced with additives, there is a God, look around you, research, take care of the planet, listen to music, drive slow ( where do you have to go fast??no where) Children and elderly take the patience of Job, breathe and pray, learn to meditate, prayer beads work, remember the baby in the manger, love all people, love yourself most of all, so you can do all of the above things!!!! I love you, leave the world better, and don't think I will not know!! I can read your every thought and eye roll, YOU ARE MY STORY!!! make it a good one.

Also forever remember your father is awesome.
Dr. Bill knows I have a need to love many people, sometimes in extreme crush worthy phases.
Always have, always will. I enjoy it that he knows me so well, its important.
We were watching early rounds of tennis from Madrid last week, and he reminded me when my love, Nadal was playing. Before he played there were two very young men playing, singles, and I just chilled and watched a tad. He let a few minutes pass, and asked me ( broke my concentration) "Who is Next in Line Bonnie? " I sharply turned my head, " You mean to take the place of my Nadal?" The hubs shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. I looked at the TV again, " Well, thank you for always thinking of me, you know I like to have replacement people near, when my hero's age or die (Game of Thrones)" " I like this Tsitsipas, he is twenty and his extremities are nice!! ( I take these things seriously) He is Greek, that is a change, yes I think it will be him." ( The other young man,was too tall and lanky, not a good tennis future, my horse whisperer skills come in handy for so many things)
  Sure enough Nadal lost, on clay courts, and guess who beat him!! I thanked my Bill again, my transfer of love was already happening and it will not be such a shock to my system when Nadal, runs off to Barcelona for a big vacay.
Having the right partner in life, is another part of my story, for sure.
 Those were my main thoughts but two little pearls remain.
   1. Hilton Head, and Jacksonville, back to back, left my natural curly hair in a humidity summer mess!! I go to my hair person, and she begins to tell me, I have dread locks in the back of my hair!!! I scream, I am so excited, I have wanted dread locks all my life!! I told her, lets do the rest!! She continue to brush, and told me no. Another time, and I am going to keep them!! Dena, its happening!!!
   2. I only want to see musicals, and sweet family stories on TV. Mitch Miller, Lawrence Welk, Andy Williams, and Ozzie and Harriet. Game of Thrones has messed me UP!!! Eight or nine, seasons of horror, and passion and confusion. It IS a TV show, and after last night, I could not sleep, I had so much tension in my neck and shoulders!! I thought about waking Bill up, I thought maybe an ER visit was in the cards, but I could not think how I was going to explain why I needed anti anxiety meds or muscle relaxers to the ER people!!! Maybe if I just went in, hunched over in agony, and said, " All the Starks are left, and my queen went ape shit crazy!" will they know?? I do love The Starks, and I think Jon Snow is a Stark, they did not have DNA back in the day!! Oh my gracious, I have to rest for next weeks finale, and comb the cabinets for any left over Valley of the Dolls, to be on the ready!!
  I need Lassie and Bonanza back, my TV nerves are shot to hell!! Hallmark here I come.
  It cool here in Atlanta, its May all month, enjoy each second of each day.
  Love, does it win on Game of Thrones, Geez, I just can not let it Go!!!!

Just Sit

   Having just returned from sitting with my mom for six days, I felt the need to sit some more.
    Not only sit but read a book called, Just Sit!!
    You see I have been going through a lot of feelings lately. More than my average chaos. 
 My brother and father both died, within a few months of each other, and we are broken. 
 Not beyond repair, but Thomas Wolfe did say, "You can't go home again." and I think he may be onto something.
  We can adapt, we have the power of resilience, self-protecting, self-healing, UNLESS...
  Well there is the word, unless you are old and tired, unhealthy, your mind is off center, or unless the event was shattering ( thank you Thomas and Pat Conroy)
  There is no Home at Last, with siblings gone, or a parent gone. Even if the house, is not the house you grew up in, its changed. Our family is changed, and where do we go now?
   I told mom last week, she is very lucky that she has a child that likes to read for hours, and sit and talk for the other hours. I sat in daddy's chair, it fit me like a worn out glove. In the wee hours of the morning, mom and I discussed our early life, from childbirth, to measles, to having periods, to, did dad every cook or go to the store, church, Gene Autry, golf, football, relatives, food, mental illness, grief and depression and how strong women run in our family!! Then she would rest. I sat there looking at her, with a big sigh. Waited for her to rally and bathe, which is a big process. Then we would talk about food, and how important it is to eat, and before I left she was eating pretty good. I told her to 'throw down' some Snickers, she needs calories, even bad ones!! We ate delicious apples, and she peeled them, like when I was little. I told her I like the peeling, she said, she chokes on it. We have come full circle, I think. Mary mom, wants to stay in her home, and I understand, but that reality is not looking good. Grief has hold of her now, and I don't think she has the strength or time, to conquer that beast. You really never do, but you do learn how to live, at 87, mom doesn't want to learn anything new right now. She thinks smoothies are for hippies!! will not try them, come hell or high water!! My brother changed her computer to Google Chrome, and she is almost!!! ready to call it a day!! The cliff edge is looking pretty good to her precious self. 
  I asked her if she wanted to die, and she said not really, No. She has lived a life of serving others, and most of the others are gone. She is a victim of her geography, and place in time. Only wanted to be a mother and wife, and the best one ever. I told her she did all of that, and well, she does not hear me, she is empty.
    So we sat and talked and listened, and were quiet, for six days. I will say, that we also laughed like hyenas, its in our DNA. We are funny people, we are story tellers, we are strong mom.
    One of my cousins, that we has not seen in almost 38 years was at dads, memorial service, Dana Bunn. She said after sitting a spell, " Bonnie, you remember everything!!" I am The Rememberer, good, bad and all the space in between. So I write, and sit and think , and know my mom will be OK. Now Benjie and I, God only knows!!! and she aint talking!!!
We both look at each other, and say, " Can we do this?" " This loss stuff, is horrible and we have questions!!!"
   I remind him, that mom has a Hot Line to Jesus, and all his helpers, surely we can go in on the hem of her dress, for some help!! I love you B.
   Now back to the title, I was driving to the Dollar Store, which was very fun, I don't remember going in hundreds of years. I needed many balls for my Wyatt to throw all over the back yard, you can never have too many. Anyhow, a car rode my bumper for a long time,you know I drive like I talk, slow and long!!! Finally they whizzed past me, and I yelled, " You are nothing but Bitches and Jackasses!!" and I laughed out loud. One of my all time favorite students gave us that phrase for the ages!!! I decided, I needed to sit, when I got home, and meditate!! BUT instead I started a new book about meditation called, Just Sit  !!
Which may be my new life mantra, Be still and know.
    Just sit, and be calm
    Pray without ceasing
    Love wins, if the Bitches and Jackasses stay out of the way!! ( I know, I have work to do)
( don't we all?!)

Do What Got You Invited-Tupac

     I love the titles to my blog, as much as the process of writing the blogs.
     Often, the two don't connect the dots.
     That even makes me happier.
     This is one of those times.

     People ask, " What can I do, How do I respond to each situation?" Tupac said it all, " What got you invited to the party, to the conversation, into someones life, keep it up." It takes work, it also takes work to let go, choices are ours.
    Which leads me to my last book I read.
    The Book of Help:A Memoir in Remedies by Megan Griswold
    After a few pages, I thought, this will not be for everyone. Yet, that is just my opinion, I need to have more confidence in people!! Yikes, people can be horrible, they need this book. Those are just the people that don't read or care, shameful. I will read for you, and continue my journey to be better in love, connection and peace of mind. I do not know how to explain this woman's travels, well maybe, with telling you that at 7 she asked Santa for a Mantra! Six continents later, her narrative is pretty special. Here below are some of my highlighted jewels.
      1. And this particular log is informed by my affinity for the edges of the bell curve, not the middle!!!! ( she is talking to me and maybe you?)
      2.stories that are most private, the most embarrassing, the most cringeworthy, the most taboo, the most-how can I say??? ( if you write, you have to be open, or why write??) ( also note that I do highlight in mid sentences, so they do not always start with a capital letter) ( and they again, some people begin a sentence with a capital And!) ( all good)
      3. my verbal incontinence ( no filters!! another way to say it?)
      4. The mind creates the abyss but the heart crosses it. ( Lord Jesus)
     5. ( yes my numbers get crooked) ( Overlook) We picked this boat, But neither the waters nor the weather can ever be predicted.
     6. when any of us has a problem, the best we can do is never look for anyone else to fix it.
     7. Her door had always closed more tightly than mine. I wasn't sure I even had a door.
     8.I chose hair spray as my bedside weapon for the eyeballs, and jacks on the floor for the toes to slow. ( I did this my entire life, sometimes, I would use thumbtacks on the floor, and take a yard stick as a slant, for the monster to run into so it would wake me!! When you read that another person, shared your extreme fears!! you feel comforted and know that you both have seen many shrinks!!!)
     9. I seem to like to worry, then criticize myself, then worry some more  ( I wish that was not me also)
     10. I have held her pain. ( Oh my goodness, I hold every mothers pain from losing a child) ( I can not hold my mothers pain of losing her husband, but I share the pain with my brother, after daddy left us)
     11. To wash out the anger, she says, fall in love. Be in love with a peach!!! ( Joy for no reason, for sure it is in produce !)
     12. He smiles at me with sorrow at his edges
     13. Sometimes people need a story more than food to stay alive
Protection, Nourishment, Comfort. In the end, it's not that complicated.(her words)
    Leave the world a better place ( my words) You have been invited to the party, act nice, do good, at least try. I wake up each morning and the first thing I say, " Lord please make me an instrument of peace, and take the cymbals I am clanging out of my hands!!"
     B. ( the photo for this blog?? Anytime I can use The Beatles for a photo op, its happening!! well, the word Help was in the title of book, and album cover!" ( You know by now I do not need a reason!")

Happy, Happy Birthday Barbie

   Yesterday I saw where Doris Day was either 95 or 97 ( I read fast! facts may blur), I swallowed hard. I so wanted to look like her, when I was very young. Grandmother and I saw all of her movies, before I wanted to be Ann Margaret in Viva Las Vegas!!
   I had to explain my gasp to the doctor in the house, when he asked what was wrong with me.
   Doris Day is very old, I began to explain. She was on my list of idols growing up. I think Dr. B. said something like I may have a pretty long list!! I can not help that I have loved and do love, many people!!
   Astronauts, singers, movie stars, politicians, smart people, interesting humans and not so humans, YES even dolls!!! I have loved them all.
   A couple of weeks back, I found out that Barbie was 60!!
   As a family, we did not have much money, but at around 8 or 9ish, I got one for my birthday.
   She was beautiful, and single. It would be many years before Ken came into our lives. I did not love her bangs, so I worked on them for a few years, until I would get them straight. I also worked on Ken's hair not knowing, it was just painted on, fuzz. Needless to say he remained bald early on, and his private area looked funny, I was never a fan of his. I think he only let him drive the Barbie car around.
   Barbie came with her black and white strapless swimsuit and some boobies, earrings and RED lipstick!! Clothes would come later, and few of them. I collected these things for years. When I had real babies, we all had new barbies that were friends with GIJoe. ( Hart loved his dolls!!) ( I told him they would make him a good daddy!) ( and I was right!!)
   Several years back, I decided to sell the hundreds of dolls at a garage sale. I kept the Barbies near me, in case they needed to come back inside after the sale. At the very end, a little girl came and asked how much one was, and you know I had no clue. She looked ragged and maybe a little hungry. I asked her if she loved the doll, and she nodded her head, I told her she could have them all, clothes, sunglasses and heels included!!! Off they went, to another generation of love. She is 60 now, and I hope she is having a many big birthdays all over the place. I know in my heart, she is still young and darling looking. Maybe now she is president of some company, a doctor, mommy, teacher, cab driver, whatever she wishes to be. I guarantee that swimsuit, is folded up in some drawer, reminding her of days gone by. Another one of my favorites, thank you so much mom and dad, for finding the money for my Barbie, and knowing that I would love her forever. Thank you for making that three tiered bed for me to put my dolls to sleep next to me for MANY years!! I still think about my Bride doll, and her legs would not bend!! That was a huge flaw!! Her name was Mary.( therapy session number one) and Sunshine, the red- headed doll with the suitcase full of clothes, that one of your friends made. She was always so cute. So many dolls to love, as Bill says, my list of love is long!!
     I remind him, to remember he remains on that list! Right now, he is not even with Dr. Kildare, so he has work to do!!
     Hope you all have many things to love and love you back.
     Later
     Bonnie