Just Sit

   Having just returned from sitting with my mom for six days, I felt the need to sit some more.
    Not only sit but read a book called, Just Sit!!
    You see I have been going through a lot of feelings lately. More than my average chaos. 
 My brother and father both died, within a few months of each other, and we are broken. 
 Not beyond repair, but Thomas Wolfe did say, "You can't go home again." and I think he may be onto something.
  We can adapt, we have the power of resilience, self-protecting, self-healing, UNLESS...
  Well there is the word, unless you are old and tired, unhealthy, your mind is off center, or unless the event was shattering ( thank you Thomas and Pat Conroy)
  There is no Home at Last, with siblings gone, or a parent gone. Even if the house, is not the house you grew up in, its changed. Our family is changed, and where do we go now?
   I told mom last week, she is very lucky that she has a child that likes to read for hours, and sit and talk for the other hours. I sat in daddy's chair, it fit me like a worn out glove. In the wee hours of the morning, mom and I discussed our early life, from childbirth, to measles, to having periods, to, did dad every cook or go to the store, church, Gene Autry, golf, football, relatives, food, mental illness, grief and depression and how strong women run in our family!! Then she would rest. I sat there looking at her, with a big sigh. Waited for her to rally and bathe, which is a big process. Then we would talk about food, and how important it is to eat, and before I left she was eating pretty good. I told her to 'throw down' some Snickers, she needs calories, even bad ones!! We ate delicious apples, and she peeled them, like when I was little. I told her I like the peeling, she said, she chokes on it. We have come full circle, I think. Mary mom, wants to stay in her home, and I understand, but that reality is not looking good. Grief has hold of her now, and I don't think she has the strength or time, to conquer that beast. You really never do, but you do learn how to live, at 87, mom doesn't want to learn anything new right now. She thinks smoothies are for hippies!! will not try them, come hell or high water!! My brother changed her computer to Google Chrome, and she is almost!!! ready to call it a day!! The cliff edge is looking pretty good to her precious self. 
  I asked her if she wanted to die, and she said not really, No. She has lived a life of serving others, and most of the others are gone. She is a victim of her geography, and place in time. Only wanted to be a mother and wife, and the best one ever. I told her she did all of that, and well, she does not hear me, she is empty.
    So we sat and talked and listened, and were quiet, for six days. I will say, that we also laughed like hyenas, its in our DNA. We are funny people, we are story tellers, we are strong mom.
    One of my cousins, that we has not seen in almost 38 years was at dads, memorial service, Dana Bunn. She said after sitting a spell, " Bonnie, you remember everything!!" I am The Rememberer, good, bad and all the space in between. So I write, and sit and think , and know my mom will be OK. Now Benjie and I, God only knows!!! and she aint talking!!!
We both look at each other, and say, " Can we do this?" " This loss stuff, is horrible and we have questions!!!"
   I remind him, that mom has a Hot Line to Jesus, and all his helpers, surely we can go in on the hem of her dress, for some help!! I love you B.
   Now back to the title, I was driving to the Dollar Store, which was very fun, I don't remember going in hundreds of years. I needed many balls for my Wyatt to throw all over the back yard, you can never have too many. Anyhow, a car rode my bumper for a long time,you know I drive like I talk, slow and long!!! Finally they whizzed past me, and I yelled, " You are nothing but Bitches and Jackasses!!" and I laughed out loud. One of my all time favorite students gave us that phrase for the ages!!! I decided, I needed to sit, when I got home, and meditate!! BUT instead I started a new book about meditation called, Just Sit  !!
Which may be my new life mantra, Be still and know.
    Just sit, and be calm
    Pray without ceasing
    Love wins, if the Bitches and Jackasses stay out of the way!! ( I know, I have work to do)
( don't we all?!)