There Are No Lifeguards

   I Miss You When I Blink, is where I found the above title.
  Worth a quick read, for sure.
  Sweet little pearls of life wisdom, sprinkled throughout.
  I thought about No Lifeguards, the metaphor for rescue, I think, all week.
  It was the year anniversary of my brother Tommy's death, and we had no lifeguards.
  We could not even have a funeral, (as per his wishes) even if we had mustered some strength.
   There were no Lifeguards, that Saturday.
   Knowing your brother is going to die soon, does not cushion the blow. I told him years ago, goodbye, in my heart. I saw what was down the road. About five years or more, of self destruction, and a heart of gold, No Lifeguards.
   We Miss him when we blink, for sure.
    The months from June through August were meant to stay blank, quote from the book, that spoke volumes to me.
    Here are a few others;
             The ship of bitchy ingratitude has sailed, so why not climb on board and sail it somewhere interesting? ( come on, that is great, climb on board!)
             I don't cook when I'm on my own. I graze. It's one of the small measures of tenderness I grant myself, the removal of all the pressure to feed and water all things!! ( I added all things, I stopped the copy finger. This is so true, be tender to yourself, we don't have to feed and water forever!!)( My everyday of Thanksgiving cooking, is gone and its a relief)
             (I just read the title again on page 172) It reads, But nothing really guards our lives. Lifeguards don't exist! ( I was close)( Yes, there is a God, is she a guard?!) ( Hard to swallow when you bury a child) ( I do know there is Jesus in the manger, so I have some faith) ( I just know Lifeguards do no exist!!)
            It's also miserable. I hate that I can't relax. I wish I didn't have to-do lists in my peripheral vision all the time!! ( which brings me to my close of day, last night) ( thank you for this line, Ms. Philpot)

Bill, hubs, goes to bed early, and I stroll up, in the summer, after eleven. Our routine is pretty much, the same, nightly. TV is on, loud, when I start up the stairs. Cat crying for my attention, Bill is asleep, and I ask myself, WHAT is this crap you have on the tube!! Screaming people, out of control chaos, how can you go to sleep with your mind listening to this mess!!! ( you know he has not heard a word I said, but that does not stop me!!) I apologized to the Cat, so sorry that you had to see humans, CONGRESS, acting like loons, I could not click quick enough.
To the Old peoples channel, and there was Guess Who Is Coming To Dinner, GLORY!!! Thank you, Thank you, Sidney Poitier. Now there is a Lifeguard!! I was wrong, we do have them. In all kinds of places. I told Dianna, the cat, that we can go to bed, at peace, with a voice like an angel, and skin the color of beauty! She agreed. We watched for about 10 min, and turned off the telly. I fixed my three pillows, up high, so I can see all around the bed, for any monsters!! ( Old habits don't go away) I sleep almost upright, waiting to hear if the babies need me!! I thanked God for Sidney, and I have been good, and if you have any heavenly strings to pull, you know, UP THERE!, please let me dream about him. I smiled and God smiled back, I could feel a hand on my back. Such peace, until the claws went in a little too deep, Dianna was having a Sidney Dream at the same time, and hers was epic!!
I swatted her off my back, telling her to find her on dream, This lifeguard is mine!!!