Colors and Memories

When my feet hit the floor this morning, I felt my cheek. My dream had been, of me laying across Ward's coffin. I sat on the edge of the bed, holding my face, thinking what a way to start the morning!!! Grief can be unkind at times, and grief knew I had to decorate for the Christmas holidays. Yesterday, I had begun the unpacking and unveiling. It is always a surprise to me, to see all the ornaments. I love the whole process, of unwrapping and revisiting each memory. The love emanating from my memories, is joy. Christmas Joy, and a whole lot-a mess!!! I work in circles, and corners, and themes. In my mind, I'm Martha Stewart, with a Cyndi Lauper kind of twist. I start out with order and color plans, hours later, I'm throwing balls in bowls!!!! Colors and Memories infuse everything.
There was an article in the Sunday paper, about quilters, who cannot see, they feel the colors!!! Yes, I understand. What a beautiful article, one women said that when she lost her sight, it took up so much of her time, thinking about what she had lost. It was a big waste of time. I guess that is what I was feeling this morning, when grief slapped me in the face. I had to turn that pain around, and put one foot in front of the other, and not waste my time, on missing Ward. Of course I miss him everyday, but he is not just a recollection of something that is past. He lives with all of us, each day, and that is Christmas Joy-juice for sure.
So my decorating had many pauses throughout the day, kissing and loving each photo of all my kids, and each ornament that they had handmade. I would close my eyes, like the quilters, and feel the memory. There is Joy, I can feel it!!!

Fly the Friendly Skies!!!!

Should be cooking, on this Wednesday before Thanksgiving, but needed to vent, before I stir a pot.
Why in the world are people freaking about a "pat-down" at the airport?
I want to have a safe flight, if someone has to sit on the wing, and shoot birds, let it be!!
X-ray machines, as big as old Cadillacs, zap me twice!!! Zap animals, people and pilots!! packages, luggage, and luggage handlers!!!! and if you want to throw in a pap smear, sign me up!!!
In fact, I hope whomever is coping a feel, while looking for bombs, is using a vibrating wand of some description. We are not the Puritan Pilgrims, coming over on the Mayflower. Times have changed, people put bombs in underwear, and on shoes. If you don't want an x-ray, or to be touched by strangers, YOU DON'T FLY! Simple, stay home.
I love to fly, and I have people I need to see. So let the fingers do the walking!!!! I don't care.
Weigh me, check my teeth, please just spend as much time checking the plane engine as you do me, it's only fair. Three Delta planes had to have emergency landings recently, due to engine failure!!
Can we have a few extra x-ray machines on the runway, and maybe some mechanics who are good at probing!!!!
I will be flying in December and January, looking forward to flying safe. Hope everyone and everything is thoroughly examined, and they don't bill me for it!!
Who am I to turn down a good "pat-down"??

Save the Sweaters!!!!

Another adventure with Jamie, to re-INSPIRATION!!! and not a second too soon.
Holidays can suck even when you are clicking on all cylinders. Holidays to me, are a vice squeezing my heart, missing Ward. All around me the beauty of the earth, leaves the color of coffee and the sun, he is missing this. The smells of Thanksgiving dinner, traveling through the house, how can he not share in this food with us. Getting out the Christmas decorations, that he is not missing. The completed tree, and baby Jesus all over the house. Where ever he is, which I think is near, he is laughing, knowing that Lucy will at some point eat the nearest baby in the manger!!!!
Holidays, are not for the faint of heart.
So when JR suggested a road trip, I jumped for Joy



and Joy I found!!!
A Christmas wreath made out of old pieces of sweaters!!! Squares and Squares of sweaters.
Who thinks of this remarkable, reuses of things??
Julie Golden, who runs, maybe owns, the store, is ADD on crack, and a creative bundle of love. Seeing her is worth the trip, out of the suburbs. The beautiful works of art, made by so many people, lifted my spirits and emptied my purse!!!
Of course the sweater wreath came home with me. I have touched each piece, and wondered who had worn each one. I thought maybe tears, and joy had been sown into each stitch.
It is a masterpiece, hanging on my mantle, encouraging me, to Celebrate all the days.

I Can Smell CRAZY!!!!

I had a dream last night that I was having an affair with the pope!!! Seriously, I can smell crazy.
People have dreams about George Clooney, not me!! I'm "up in" the Vatican, Mary and Jesus watching!and I wonder why I am so tired??!!! Hail Mary, Mother of God, please let me have a normal dream tonight. Usually I have dreams about losing my purse, or hunting for bathrooms. OK, those are not normal either. Crazy is knocking on my door, and I'm letting her in!!!
This time of year, is crazy.
Christmas is here, and I haven't even made the pumpkin pudding.(Thank you Malia for that recipe) or the turkey and dressing(mom thanks for that recipe)
Maybe panic should have descended upon me, but what the heck, just let crazy in!!!!
My washing machine, is thumping around, like Linda Blair, so I decided to leave it in the middle of the laundry room. I think it is possessed, it still cleans!!! Is this crazy talk??
The repair man is coming, when??? good question???? I hope he will put the clothes in the dryer, when he gets here. That is smart, not crazy!!! Delegate!!
I ordered new address labels from, Felix Doolittle, they cost me more than my Christmas cards!! crazy loves Felix!!
I have two titles, to blogs in the works, one is-Hanging Chads, changed my life!!! and Funeral Quiet !!! The titles, cracked me up, I may never write a blog about them, the title enough is a blog!!!! Crazy funny.
November is just plain Koo-Koo-Ka-Choo!!!!! and it is almost over.I think I will be thankful for that!!!
This crazy girl, needs a few strands of Christmas lights strung, and no more romps under the Holy Pontiffs robe!! You know to be honest, he may have been a Methodist minister!!!?? No there were beads involved, and I think a choir!!!!

Cigarettes and Texting!!!!

It's 6:30 in the evening, dark and I'm ready for bed.
Adjusting to the time change, not a good fit for me. I need light!!!
Maybe I'm just fatigued from my weekend in Auburn, with my children?
My children don't cause me to be tired, it's the social behavior of others that wear me OUT!!!
An SEC football weekend, brings out droves of people. People bring with them, too much stuff!!!
We were stopped in traffic for over an hour, 1 mile to go!!! We were 1 mile, from our destination, and we came to a stop. Not a lull, a full blown, turn the car off, is there a wreck up ahead halt!!!
I had to find some humor in the situation, or turn the car around, and miss the fun, never!! So I threw open the sun window, the one in the top of the car??I don't know what it is called. Hart(son) has a Hummer, and it has a large sun roof thing, so I opened it, stood up in the car and took photos.As far as the eye could see, cars, stacked like dominoes!!!Me screaming, "My father is right, there are two many people!" Hart screaming, "Mom get back in the car!!"
This was beginning to look sketchy for a good Saturday. Quickly things turned around. Was it good luck? or Pure determination, come hell or high water to have a good time with my children?? So our journey continued. We left Emma's apartment, went back roads to downtown Auburn, and found a great parking space, with a crack head, taking money for parking in his yard. Me, not so quietly, "Lock the car!!!" ( thinking of, good lord, now for sure, they will break in and do something!!! That crack head, just wants the money not the car, maybe he will want more money when we return!!! My mind will not stop!!!I have got to stop watching True Crime TV shows) So we three, Hart, Emma and me, walk and laugh and enjoy, the joy, that is in the air.
The colors of football rivalry in the South, at its best. Everyone believing that they can win, its intoxicating!!! We settled in an outside bar, with an enormous TV screen, fans screaming for their team. Hart and Emma visiting with all of their college friends, and me sharing this time with them. The fact that there was one, indoor bathroom, that did not have a flushing toilet, did not damper my mood. There were two outdoor port-ta-potties, for plan "B". Then there was the cigarette smoking!!!! Why are all these kids smoking, and who is paying for these cigarettes??? I had to have several conversations with these "young-ones" about how to put out a cigarette!!! If you are going to smoke, learn how to do it correctly!!and you pour beer into the ashtray if its not going out!!! I thought people were not smoking anymore, how can I watch a game, when second-hand smoking is sucking the life out of me???( Relax Bonnie, you are at a college football game, having a great time!!) "War Eagle", I AM watching!!! and do these young college girls have any friends, that tell them, NOT to wear leg warmers, and boots with a sun-dress!!!??? "Go Defense!!, and what is with the Amy Winehouse looking girl over there, eating a salad, taking up space, she is not even watching the game, take her home, she is texting!!! In fact all the girls are texting, it's the twilight zone. No one is talking to anyone, they are sitting around texting. No wonder they are all up there without dates, people like eye contact!!! For sure its, a different world, my kids world, that they so generously still want to be seen with me. It was a grand day! OK, maybe not when the boy was checking ID's at the door, and he waved me through, and I reminded him of who is most likely to pay the tip in this place!!! I have to teach them everything!!!!!

Just A Poet

Separation
Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
W.S Merwin

At this time of year, I try to acknowledge my thankfulness, OUT LOUD!!!!
Yesterday, homemade vegetable soup, caused me to Holler!!!
The November sunshine, touched my body and soul.
But...this man's poem, Separation, made me pause.
Bill's mag, Princeton Alumni Weekly, had on it's cover, this handsome gentleman. Yes, lust first, then content!!! The title, The Nation's Poet, pulled me closer.
W. S. Merwin, I have never heard of him. So I read, he has been described as a poet who " leads us upstream from the flow of everyday things in life to half hidden headwaters of wisdom about life itself." 82 in years, people label him as a maverick and a misfit!! When so many people live on the hem of the world, he wanted to be IN this world. No cell phones, or e-mail, he says that he likes to be conscious of the act of writing. Also, he stopped using punctuation around 1960. I love him. A Pulitzer prize winner, in 71, a Zen Buddhist who believes that no single entity is more significant than another, he describes himself as "Just A Poet."
I think there are so many layers to turn back.
He moved to Maui, and planted a twenty acre palm forest, by hand, in 1976!
Interesting people find a way to cross my path, I confess to always looking for them.
Mr. Merwin's poetry and story, made the top of my November Thankful List, vegetable soup second!!!!
Take the time to read his works.

Time and Reality

When our house was full of kids, I did not notice time. We had schedules, bath time, supper time, basketball practice, football practice, softball practice, homework time! Cooking and more cooking, washing clothes and more clothes, I used up every second of the day.
Now no kids at home, and I have NO TIME. There is no order, minimal structure and I'm spinning in circles. The hamster wheel, is non-stop, and now the time is changing! Sweet Mother of God, is there ever enough time?
My lists, have lists.
I think this time of the year, I feel sandwiched, rushed to get the Halloween decos down, and few turkey's thrown about, and BAM! it's Christmas.
I want to cherish each day, and make it go slow, and the reality is......nothing is slow, except me!!!
After a loss of a child, time becomes somewhat different. There is a point, where it doesn't even matter to you, what time it is, or what day. Next week Ward will have been gone 40 months, I still count the days, since he left us. Lately I have been concentrating more on the 25 years he was with us. The precious time, that I had him near. He was not with us long enough. Often I think, how much time would have been enough?
I have a friend, who has been diagnosed with ALS. How much time will this wicked disease give him to live? Four years, forty? It is not fair, and it's not enough time. He is my friend and I want him well. Is there enough time, for stem cell research to help him?
How do we measure time?
Bill says that I worry too much, and ask too many questions!! Please...I'm on a hamster wheel, what do you expect?
So I will do some research on ALS, and see what I can do for my friend. I will continue to honor the life of my Ward, each day.
My children will be called daily, or e-mailed, and loved UP!!! My animals, royally spoiled, all of the time. Bill will be waited on, time after time!!( that is a lie, he waits on me, and this is no time to change that!!) Work will be work, that I still enjoy, and the rest I will put on a list!!
My many lists, for my large life. I would not have it any other way.
Now when do we change the time?????

Restore Sanity

November has slipped right in, and I'm freezing. The handy space heater is churning at my feet, as I type. The temperature is 68 degrees, that is cold enough. The Fall Funk, has begun, and it will take all that is in me, to combat the blues. I think that the time change is coming this weekend, and that will send me spiraling into the valley. NOT TO MENTION this political mayhem, that sickens me.
Tomorrow we are suppose to vote, and I hate both sides. The "D's" and the "R's" are out of control. I think I will write in, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, the only two voices of reason. They held a rally in Washington this weekend, that had me crying and laughing at the same time. I'm so thankful, that while waiting for the football game, we happened upon this jewel. When Cat Stevens/Yusuf, started to sing Peace Train, the damn broke. Tears flowed, I had traveled back to the sixties, when the people spoke the truth. This converted Muslim on the stage, introduced by a Jew, followed by Ozzie Osborne singing Crazy Train, followed by The O'jays singing, Love Train!!!!! Me standing and singing, All we are saying is give peace a chance!!!!!!
Intolerance will not be tolerated, was plastered on a protest poster. Hallaluyar!!!!
John Stewart , referring to the media circus said, "If we amplify everything, we hear nothing!"
He also reminded us, that we do work together everyday, side by side, even with different religious beliefs, political beliefs, we Americans can and do work together, so why this big divide now??? We may have an atheist obstetrician, a Latino carpenter, a gay banker, a fundamentalist salesperson, and we still manage to live and work together. Even when the time changes and fall temperatures dip, and I hate all Republicans, and some Democrats, my goal is to Restore Sanity, and work together for my happiness and yours. So I will vote, and change my clock back, and go to a dance class( to help my mood) and continue to love.
Mother Theresa said she saw Jesus in every face!!! Good lord, she was a saint, I'm a work in progress.