My Memory Nods Off, Like A Narcoleptic, Again!!!

I think I may have posted the title , minus a story. Maybe that is the story, what we should or should not omit!!!
The big dig, of putting away the Christmas ornaments has begun. I hesitate, in each room. How can you box up, such beauty and joy? I'm depending on my memory to remember all my holidays, and downsizing at the same time. What to save, throw away or leave out for a few more days? This may take awhile, if the house is to be in some order by New Years! You know I veer!!!!
I was upstairs, putting away some winter clothes( in my mind, I think spring is just around the bend!)and found a photo of Ward and I. December 26, 2000. I was holding his face, like the Madonna at the foot of the cross. I can see pain in both of our eyes. My heart is about to burst. I began to think, about my memories and how much I need them. I miss Ward so much, and if you are reading this, I hope you do not know what I feel. So of course, I had to find a frame, in my hoarder bin, Christmas decos, can wait! My HO was packed, with just the HO-HO left.
So I decided to blog about , Traveling with Pomegranates, by Sue Monk Kidd, and her daughter Ann Kidd Taylor. Stay with me people, ramble and learn.
This sweet book about the bond between mother and daughter, and how we redefine the roles with all of our children. Finding Ward and my photo, triggered a line from her book, which is, My memory began to nod off like a narcoleptic and I would be left with a thought curled up on the tip of my tongue. Ramble is now connected.
Sue Monk Kidd wrote The Secret Life of Bees, so I expected a good read. Her Mermaid Chair, a yawn, but a good writer is like a relative, the door is open, so I invited her back. We had a good visit and I met her daughter. I discovered Greece and found it narcotic. She surprised me with her over the top attraction to Mary, the mother of Jesus. We have a common bond. She observes the world around her, becomes passionate about, even pomegranates. She reminded me to take time to read, even when boxing up your Christmas. Also, when the death of a child, redefined my role with Ward, this book helped me remember, death does not take your memories. You may have to work harder, yikes!! the older you get, to remember things. You WILL remember. A picture tells a story, even a title of a blog!!!

My Memory Nods Off, Like A Narcoleptic

Mother of God, Holiday Fog

Yesterday's blog title was Holiday Fog, which was deleted in its entire glorious form, by me!!!
So this morning I will try and remember its content, who knows what will come out of me, I'm in a Mother of God, Holiday Fog!
Do not read between the lines, I do enjoy every other second of the holiday season. That bi-aaa-tch other second hangs over me, like tacky Christmas lights. Blinking, busy,busy, busy. My jolly is hard to find.
Traveling, flying, during the holidays has shaved years off my youth. Hundreds of people fighting for position, when they know we have seat assignments!!
Lucky for me, I love to fly and can put myself in a trance within minutes of the click of my buckle, and the sound of luggage being crammed overhead. Sybil may have heard voices, but I hear music!! Reel to reel, non-stop music. Throw in my earplugs and let the concert begin. Johnny Cash, B-52's, Broadway, Church songs, Patti Page, Beatles, Indigo Girls and now Christmas Carols thrown into the mix. A cacophony of tunes fighting for airtime in my cerebral cortex!! and this music is not on an I-pod. I hear music, I'm some sort of music savant!!! and it serves me well. Sometimes, this mild brain dysfunction gets in the way, but not during flying and the holidays. Some would say, I tune them out??? I say, I just tune in!!Big band, bluegrass, calypso, country, disco, folk, gospel, heavy metal, hip-hop, jazz, new age, pop, rap, reggae, rock, salsa, soul and swing keeps me focused and humming!!! Melodious harmonies drowning out, the hectic hot mess, the holidays can create. In fact, the music from Rent is playing in my head, as I type, Joy to the World!!! I do have to be very careful what I listen to, because songs can get stuck. So driving to work, I often have to wait in my car for something pleasant, because my co-workers will have to hear it all day long, and In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida can wear a person down. Uniqueness, or quirky? doesn't matter. Let the music play, I can always turn down the volume. Its a gift!!!

I love Baby Jesus

Give me a baby in the manger, and I'm good to go. Lately, in my down-sizing mood, the nativity groups in my house, have become somewhat dysfunctional!!! There is a stable, and animals, and Baby Jesus without the head, Mary and a Shepherd, stepping in for Joseph. There is also a giraffe, who is just visiting, following that star. We have a shoebox creche, that Hart made in pre-K, at St. Andrews. Jesus is made out of gauze, and pipe cleaners. There is glitter, and foil used for Mary's dress, and even some sheep(cotton balls) and a piece of hay. Some other nativity figures remained in the box, I did not even unwrap them. You see, its the pieces, that bother me. I want a stationary nativity group!! Traveling Holy Family, all glued in the manger. And I found one!!! Made in Peru or Bangladesh, it looks like a window and you open it up and there it is!!! I love it, I may move it from room to room!!! I need to keep my eye on the manger, during this wonderful time of the year.
God's plan can have joy for us, and take us to lonely places. Mary reminds me, that a child was born, and why. I don't need to see the pieces of the nativity to remember, but I do like a good visual. PLUS now, its self contained. Angels included!!!

Do NOT Take Me Camping!!!

My bud Jamie and I, are off to Spruil Artist Market, and A Thousand Villages this morning. This has become a December "must do" for us. We had penciled it in our calendar, this morning I checked my e-mail, and she wanted to know, if we should "ink it" in!!! We both have such busy lives, and a gad-zillion things to do, of course I said yes. NOW the crunch to get ready. Usually it takes me 10 minutes tops for the complete package. Make-up, hair-do, legs shaved, wardrobe look-through. BUT its winter, so you have to throw in my LOTION time.
Oil of Olay, Hope in A Jar, Beach Oil, Retin A, Cow udder balm, and a new one I added this year, its an orange and ginger calming cream!!!! Do not laugh, this is a serious. I can never go camping, Never! It takes a village of creams to get me out the door. I'm a pampered pooch, and proud of it.
Particular Patty wants to be smooth, no cracks and crevices here.
Ready for the cold air to hit me, unable to penetrate my layers.
Ready for some shopping, when I should be doing other things!!
Realizing this morning that, I can never go camping!!! I think I always knew!!!
Now where is my hand cream?

Stop The Treadmill

Much to your surprise, I do work out!
Yesterday I left work, and went straight to the gym, and the devil on my shoulder said, "It's tooooo cold to work out!" PLEASE, why would I listen to this thing with horns and a tail??? So I preceded on my journey, to sweating a tad.
I never get close to the TVs while walking/running, my mind needs to clear, and concentrate on not going off the back of the machine, while I'm fixing my hair!!!
I do sing out loud, to my Ipod, I try not too, but some songs require my rendition!!!
I'm wailing away to John Mayer, and the screen caught my eye, there is so much on about Elizabeth Edwards, and so depressing, I made a good move to be far away. Thirty minutes down, and I'm getting antsy, people in leotards are surrounding me. I look up, and Elizabeth Edwards is on all the screens, something is going on. So I slow down, stop, and move up, to the bicycle with the mini screens. SHE has Died, I can't pedal, I am so filled with sorrow. I start to pedal and I read the captions on the screen, over and over. Good Lord, she has died twice, once when she had to view her son , at sixteen, dead in the emergency room. Now Cancer has caused her second death. Plus her husband paying too much attention to his hair, and his mistress, I pedal faster. Finally, I'm spent, and slowly walk back through all the living. Wondering what all their stories are about?
We all have stories, loves and heartaches, and we all have to LIVE.
Elizabeth Edwards lived her life, that is the miracle.

Football Season

Football season is much like flu season, minus a shot !!! It lingers on and sometimes hurts, but most of the time, its a good time to lay on the couch!!! and YELL!!!
Its a disease, pure and simple, you either have it, or you don't!!!
Me being the first born in my family, I have a suspicion that Homer may have wanted a boy, because I know everything there is to know about football!! I want to thank you daddy, for passing on this gene. I think?
The Blackmans were raised as Florida Gators, period. SEC football ruled our lives. Many a funeral or a wedding, my dad had the radio plugged into his ear to listen. I can remember as a young girl, Georgia fans barking in my ear, and me asking, " What is wrong with these people, mom?"
In our family, the phrase, "Its not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game, is what matters," was never uttered!!!! We are, " Win or go home!!!people!!!"
Excellence is king!!!! Work hard and be the best!!!!
Last evening we watched, as Auburn won the SEC title game. I worship the Gators, The Auburn Tigers I just "love". Two of my children went to Auburn, and were able to see, first hand, the agony of defeat for a few years, and thrill of Winning it All!!!! Each of them, were in college for a 13-0 season. Hart in 2004, and Emma this year!!!! They have the disease, I have passed it on!!!
Of course we watch all sports, with passion. The life lesson is, whatever you like to do, give it 150%, from Football to music, Tap dancing to NASCAR, reading to cooking, gardening to fishing, be passionate about everything!!! Pass on THAT gene!!!

Colors and Memories

When my feet hit the floor this morning, I felt my cheek. My dream had been, of me laying across Ward's coffin. I sat on the edge of the bed, holding my face, thinking what a way to start the morning!!! Grief can be unkind at times, and grief knew I had to decorate for the Christmas holidays. Yesterday, I had begun the unpacking and unveiling. It is always a surprise to me, to see all the ornaments. I love the whole process, of unwrapping and revisiting each memory. The love emanating from my memories, is joy. Christmas Joy, and a whole lot-a mess!!! I work in circles, and corners, and themes. In my mind, I'm Martha Stewart, with a Cyndi Lauper kind of twist. I start out with order and color plans, hours later, I'm throwing balls in bowls!!!! Colors and Memories infuse everything.
There was an article in the Sunday paper, about quilters, who cannot see, they feel the colors!!! Yes, I understand. What a beautiful article, one women said that when she lost her sight, it took up so much of her time, thinking about what she had lost. It was a big waste of time. I guess that is what I was feeling this morning, when grief slapped me in the face. I had to turn that pain around, and put one foot in front of the other, and not waste my time, on missing Ward. Of course I miss him everyday, but he is not just a recollection of something that is past. He lives with all of us, each day, and that is Christmas Joy-juice for sure.
So my decorating had many pauses throughout the day, kissing and loving each photo of all my kids, and each ornament that they had handmade. I would close my eyes, like the quilters, and feel the memory. There is Joy, I can feel it!!!

Fly the Friendly Skies!!!!

Should be cooking, on this Wednesday before Thanksgiving, but needed to vent, before I stir a pot.
Why in the world are people freaking about a "pat-down" at the airport?
I want to have a safe flight, if someone has to sit on the wing, and shoot birds, let it be!!
X-ray machines, as big as old Cadillacs, zap me twice!!! Zap animals, people and pilots!! packages, luggage, and luggage handlers!!!! and if you want to throw in a pap smear, sign me up!!!
In fact, I hope whomever is coping a feel, while looking for bombs, is using a vibrating wand of some description. We are not the Puritan Pilgrims, coming over on the Mayflower. Times have changed, people put bombs in underwear, and on shoes. If you don't want an x-ray, or to be touched by strangers, YOU DON'T FLY! Simple, stay home.
I love to fly, and I have people I need to see. So let the fingers do the walking!!!! I don't care.
Weigh me, check my teeth, please just spend as much time checking the plane engine as you do me, it's only fair. Three Delta planes had to have emergency landings recently, due to engine failure!!
Can we have a few extra x-ray machines on the runway, and maybe some mechanics who are good at probing!!!!
I will be flying in December and January, looking forward to flying safe. Hope everyone and everything is thoroughly examined, and they don't bill me for it!!
Who am I to turn down a good "pat-down"??

Save the Sweaters!!!!

Another adventure with Jamie, to re-INSPIRATION!!! and not a second too soon.
Holidays can suck even when you are clicking on all cylinders. Holidays to me, are a vice squeezing my heart, missing Ward. All around me the beauty of the earth, leaves the color of coffee and the sun, he is missing this. The smells of Thanksgiving dinner, traveling through the house, how can he not share in this food with us. Getting out the Christmas decorations, that he is not missing. The completed tree, and baby Jesus all over the house. Where ever he is, which I think is near, he is laughing, knowing that Lucy will at some point eat the nearest baby in the manger!!!!
Holidays, are not for the faint of heart.
So when JR suggested a road trip, I jumped for Joy



and Joy I found!!!
A Christmas wreath made out of old pieces of sweaters!!! Squares and Squares of sweaters.
Who thinks of this remarkable, reuses of things??
Julie Golden, who runs, maybe owns, the store, is ADD on crack, and a creative bundle of love. Seeing her is worth the trip, out of the suburbs. The beautiful works of art, made by so many people, lifted my spirits and emptied my purse!!!
Of course the sweater wreath came home with me. I have touched each piece, and wondered who had worn each one. I thought maybe tears, and joy had been sown into each stitch.
It is a masterpiece, hanging on my mantle, encouraging me, to Celebrate all the days.

I Can Smell CRAZY!!!!

I had a dream last night that I was having an affair with the pope!!! Seriously, I can smell crazy.
People have dreams about George Clooney, not me!! I'm "up in" the Vatican, Mary and Jesus watching!and I wonder why I am so tired??!!! Hail Mary, Mother of God, please let me have a normal dream tonight. Usually I have dreams about losing my purse, or hunting for bathrooms. OK, those are not normal either. Crazy is knocking on my door, and I'm letting her in!!!
This time of year, is crazy.
Christmas is here, and I haven't even made the pumpkin pudding.(Thank you Malia for that recipe) or the turkey and dressing(mom thanks for that recipe)
Maybe panic should have descended upon me, but what the heck, just let crazy in!!!!
My washing machine, is thumping around, like Linda Blair, so I decided to leave it in the middle of the laundry room. I think it is possessed, it still cleans!!! Is this crazy talk??
The repair man is coming, when??? good question???? I hope he will put the clothes in the dryer, when he gets here. That is smart, not crazy!!! Delegate!!
I ordered new address labels from, Felix Doolittle, they cost me more than my Christmas cards!! crazy loves Felix!!
I have two titles, to blogs in the works, one is-Hanging Chads, changed my life!!! and Funeral Quiet !!! The titles, cracked me up, I may never write a blog about them, the title enough is a blog!!!! Crazy funny.
November is just plain Koo-Koo-Ka-Choo!!!!! and it is almost over.I think I will be thankful for that!!!
This crazy girl, needs a few strands of Christmas lights strung, and no more romps under the Holy Pontiffs robe!! You know to be honest, he may have been a Methodist minister!!!?? No there were beads involved, and I think a choir!!!!

Cigarettes and Texting!!!!

It's 6:30 in the evening, dark and I'm ready for bed.
Adjusting to the time change, not a good fit for me. I need light!!!
Maybe I'm just fatigued from my weekend in Auburn, with my children?
My children don't cause me to be tired, it's the social behavior of others that wear me OUT!!!
An SEC football weekend, brings out droves of people. People bring with them, too much stuff!!!
We were stopped in traffic for over an hour, 1 mile to go!!! We were 1 mile, from our destination, and we came to a stop. Not a lull, a full blown, turn the car off, is there a wreck up ahead halt!!!
I had to find some humor in the situation, or turn the car around, and miss the fun, never!! So I threw open the sun window, the one in the top of the car??I don't know what it is called. Hart(son) has a Hummer, and it has a large sun roof thing, so I opened it, stood up in the car and took photos.As far as the eye could see, cars, stacked like dominoes!!!Me screaming, "My father is right, there are two many people!" Hart screaming, "Mom get back in the car!!"
This was beginning to look sketchy for a good Saturday. Quickly things turned around. Was it good luck? or Pure determination, come hell or high water to have a good time with my children?? So our journey continued. We left Emma's apartment, went back roads to downtown Auburn, and found a great parking space, with a crack head, taking money for parking in his yard. Me, not so quietly, "Lock the car!!!" ( thinking of, good lord, now for sure, they will break in and do something!!! That crack head, just wants the money not the car, maybe he will want more money when we return!!! My mind will not stop!!!I have got to stop watching True Crime TV shows) So we three, Hart, Emma and me, walk and laugh and enjoy, the joy, that is in the air.
The colors of football rivalry in the South, at its best. Everyone believing that they can win, its intoxicating!!! We settled in an outside bar, with an enormous TV screen, fans screaming for their team. Hart and Emma visiting with all of their college friends, and me sharing this time with them. The fact that there was one, indoor bathroom, that did not have a flushing toilet, did not damper my mood. There were two outdoor port-ta-potties, for plan "B". Then there was the cigarette smoking!!!! Why are all these kids smoking, and who is paying for these cigarettes??? I had to have several conversations with these "young-ones" about how to put out a cigarette!!! If you are going to smoke, learn how to do it correctly!!and you pour beer into the ashtray if its not going out!!! I thought people were not smoking anymore, how can I watch a game, when second-hand smoking is sucking the life out of me???( Relax Bonnie, you are at a college football game, having a great time!!) "War Eagle", I AM watching!!! and do these young college girls have any friends, that tell them, NOT to wear leg warmers, and boots with a sun-dress!!!??? "Go Defense!!, and what is with the Amy Winehouse looking girl over there, eating a salad, taking up space, she is not even watching the game, take her home, she is texting!!! In fact all the girls are texting, it's the twilight zone. No one is talking to anyone, they are sitting around texting. No wonder they are all up there without dates, people like eye contact!!! For sure its, a different world, my kids world, that they so generously still want to be seen with me. It was a grand day! OK, maybe not when the boy was checking ID's at the door, and he waved me through, and I reminded him of who is most likely to pay the tip in this place!!! I have to teach them everything!!!!!

Just A Poet

Separation
Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
W.S Merwin

At this time of year, I try to acknowledge my thankfulness, OUT LOUD!!!!
Yesterday, homemade vegetable soup, caused me to Holler!!!
The November sunshine, touched my body and soul.
But...this man's poem, Separation, made me pause.
Bill's mag, Princeton Alumni Weekly, had on it's cover, this handsome gentleman. Yes, lust first, then content!!! The title, The Nation's Poet, pulled me closer.
W. S. Merwin, I have never heard of him. So I read, he has been described as a poet who " leads us upstream from the flow of everyday things in life to half hidden headwaters of wisdom about life itself." 82 in years, people label him as a maverick and a misfit!! When so many people live on the hem of the world, he wanted to be IN this world. No cell phones, or e-mail, he says that he likes to be conscious of the act of writing. Also, he stopped using punctuation around 1960. I love him. A Pulitzer prize winner, in 71, a Zen Buddhist who believes that no single entity is more significant than another, he describes himself as "Just A Poet."
I think there are so many layers to turn back.
He moved to Maui, and planted a twenty acre palm forest, by hand, in 1976!
Interesting people find a way to cross my path, I confess to always looking for them.
Mr. Merwin's poetry and story, made the top of my November Thankful List, vegetable soup second!!!!
Take the time to read his works.

Time and Reality

When our house was full of kids, I did not notice time. We had schedules, bath time, supper time, basketball practice, football practice, softball practice, homework time! Cooking and more cooking, washing clothes and more clothes, I used up every second of the day.
Now no kids at home, and I have NO TIME. There is no order, minimal structure and I'm spinning in circles. The hamster wheel, is non-stop, and now the time is changing! Sweet Mother of God, is there ever enough time?
My lists, have lists.
I think this time of the year, I feel sandwiched, rushed to get the Halloween decos down, and few turkey's thrown about, and BAM! it's Christmas.
I want to cherish each day, and make it go slow, and the reality is......nothing is slow, except me!!!
After a loss of a child, time becomes somewhat different. There is a point, where it doesn't even matter to you, what time it is, or what day. Next week Ward will have been gone 40 months, I still count the days, since he left us. Lately I have been concentrating more on the 25 years he was with us. The precious time, that I had him near. He was not with us long enough. Often I think, how much time would have been enough?
I have a friend, who has been diagnosed with ALS. How much time will this wicked disease give him to live? Four years, forty? It is not fair, and it's not enough time. He is my friend and I want him well. Is there enough time, for stem cell research to help him?
How do we measure time?
Bill says that I worry too much, and ask too many questions!! Please...I'm on a hamster wheel, what do you expect?
So I will do some research on ALS, and see what I can do for my friend. I will continue to honor the life of my Ward, each day.
My children will be called daily, or e-mailed, and loved UP!!! My animals, royally spoiled, all of the time. Bill will be waited on, time after time!!( that is a lie, he waits on me, and this is no time to change that!!) Work will be work, that I still enjoy, and the rest I will put on a list!!
My many lists, for my large life. I would not have it any other way.
Now when do we change the time?????

Restore Sanity

November has slipped right in, and I'm freezing. The handy space heater is churning at my feet, as I type. The temperature is 68 degrees, that is cold enough. The Fall Funk, has begun, and it will take all that is in me, to combat the blues. I think that the time change is coming this weekend, and that will send me spiraling into the valley. NOT TO MENTION this political mayhem, that sickens me.
Tomorrow we are suppose to vote, and I hate both sides. The "D's" and the "R's" are out of control. I think I will write in, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, the only two voices of reason. They held a rally in Washington this weekend, that had me crying and laughing at the same time. I'm so thankful, that while waiting for the football game, we happened upon this jewel. When Cat Stevens/Yusuf, started to sing Peace Train, the damn broke. Tears flowed, I had traveled back to the sixties, when the people spoke the truth. This converted Muslim on the stage, introduced by a Jew, followed by Ozzie Osborne singing Crazy Train, followed by The O'jays singing, Love Train!!!!! Me standing and singing, All we are saying is give peace a chance!!!!!!
Intolerance will not be tolerated, was plastered on a protest poster. Hallaluyar!!!!
John Stewart , referring to the media circus said, "If we amplify everything, we hear nothing!"
He also reminded us, that we do work together everyday, side by side, even with different religious beliefs, political beliefs, we Americans can and do work together, so why this big divide now??? We may have an atheist obstetrician, a Latino carpenter, a gay banker, a fundamentalist salesperson, and we still manage to live and work together. Even when the time changes and fall temperatures dip, and I hate all Republicans, and some Democrats, my goal is to Restore Sanity, and work together for my happiness and yours. So I will vote, and change my clock back, and go to a dance class( to help my mood) and continue to love.
Mother Theresa said she saw Jesus in every face!!! Good lord, she was a saint, I'm a work in progress.

Di'a de los Muertos

Each year my friend and Spanish teacher, creates an altar at school to teach this Holiday. Dia de los Muertos, AND if that stuff is a tad on the tacky side, even better. I think I saw a cross made with coke bottle caps???It could have been a vision???
This is a holiday where people honor those love ones who have passed on. Died, left the earth, no longer with us. They put out pictures and items that their loved one enjoyed, food, some even lay out a pillow and mattress, hoping the spirits will stay and visit. The flower of choice, is the stinky marigold, it is suppose to attract the departed??? When you are missing someone, you will do anything, trust me.
Perlotta always uses Superman, Christopher Reeves as her main altar person. She figures he got, a raw deal, for sure. Plus children, sort of, know who superman is?? This year, I asked her to add, My Ward!!!! So his picture is next to superman, and that would thrill him, as it does me.
He is surrounded by the youth of children, religious folk art, superman and the love of my friend.
Visiting cemeteries is often, a weekly ritual in the south, we did not need a holiday, to go clean the graves of all our relatives!!! We would visit strangers, bring flowers and letters and love. EVERY WEEKEND, we would visit, like these people were going to get up and leave "Greenlawn"
or was it called "Evergreen?"
Loving people in life and in death is very important. How you do it, is personal.
Ward's photo next to Christopher Reeves, Thank you Maria.

We Are Grown-Ups!!!!

I have just returned from my forty year high school reunion. My heart is still so full!!!
Beautiful people! Under and Over weight, bald and more bald, wrinkled and worn. Some with too much make-up and some who needed a little more!!! Each one more glowing than the next. Smiles stretching from Jackson to Lee long. Hugs that left me breathless, and tears easily flowing from our eyes. A room full of love, we were all grown UP!!! No Kids Allowed!
Fragile life stories, mixed in with the laughter of long ago stories. Memories reaching, way back, coming to the surface, as if it were yesterday. Can it be forty years ago???
I know these people, they are the same. I still see the twinkle of youth in their eyes, it doesn't vanish with age. You just have to look Harder!!!but its there.
A year ago, I would not have been able to go to a restaurant, much less a high school reunion. Grief over the loss of my son, had me paralyzed with grief. But Life is not inclined to let us escape. I needed these people to help me on my grief journey.
When we returned to Georgia on Sunday, I hugged all of my kids, and then went to Ward's jar, as we like to call it!!! Telling him, that I made it to my reunion, and his artwork traveled with me, and people celebrated his life, by asking me about him. I think he would be smiling, and then he would ask me, if my Ta-Ta's were showing!!!!(my kids know their mommie!!) I told him, I used some back to back tape to keep them in check, but My cups runneth over!!!!
Debbie told me I should have used duck tape!! Next time!!!
Thank you, Tigers for just being you!!!
I had a great time, and more stories to tell!!!! Love, love and more love. AND MORE!!!!

Seymour, FEED ME!!!

There is a wonderful parable, that came to my attention, while waiting for my mammogram today.
"One evening a Cherokee elder told his grandson about the battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between wolves, that live inside us all. One is Unhappiness. It is fear, worry, anger, jealousy, sorrow, self pity, resentment, and inferiority. The other is Happiness. It is joy, love, hope, serenity, kindness, generosity, truth, and compassion."
"The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, which wolf wins?"
"The old Cherokee simply replied, The One you feed."
OMG, here Iam sitting with all these women, fearing the worst.
I will not feed this fear. I will celebrate these women who take the x-rays of all these boobies, and the doctors who give good news and bad. That they have strength and compassion, and warm hands!!!!
This parable, was in a magazine article, under the title, Happy for No Reason!!! It was about making yourself live from happiness, rather than for happiness!!! This made me happy!!!, the weather made me happy, I will not feed this beast of worry, sorrow, fear!!!
My focus today is practicing happiness instead of pursuing happiness!!!!
It also reminded me of the plant, in the play/movie, Little Shop of Horrors!!!!! FEED Me, Seymour!! That too, made me happy!!! See, its working!!!

I need more time!!!!

I have about six blogs, scribbled out, and no time to connect the dots!!!!
No excuses, at least that is what the personal trainer said!!!!

PT- Bonnie, do you have a goal?
M-(me)-Not really?
PT-YOU HAVE TO HAVE A GOAL!!!
M-NO..OK, I just want to dance.
PT-How much weight do you want to loose?
M-I'm comfortable with me, OK, the flapping skin under my arm, you can fix.
PT-Let me measure you?
M-am I getting a new bra?
PT-WHAT??
M-Have at it.
PT-Now when do you want to come see me next?
M-Never, don't take it personally!!
M- I'm signed up for three dance classes, and swimming, that's good, right?
PT-Weights, you need weights!!!
M-Lucy the Lab weighs 88lbs, that will work.
PT- YOUR real age in fitness talk is 54!!
M-That is great, since I am 58 and feel like I'm 100!!!
M-Start the Zumba music!!!!!!

I Don't Mind Straight People, As Long As They Act Gay In Public!!!!

I believe we are all born Gay, and we make the choice to be heterosexual!!!!
Would that put a stop to homophobic maniacs, causing these young children to take their lives? Teenagers jumping off of bridges, hanging themselves, being bullied because of being Gay!!! Good lord people, this has to stop.
Some religious people are even protesting at funerals of our boys, who have fought for our country, saying that they were killed because we let gays into the military??!!!
As my daddy would say, "We have not evolved much Bonnie!!"
We are suppose to love each other, all people!! What would Jesus do??I think he may have been gay, he hung out with fishermen and had great hair, and turned down Mary Magdalene. Before you begin to stone me!!! Do you know if he was gay or not?? No, he just said to love all people. Why is that so hard for Christians?? and non Christians also.
I care about people of any sex finding someone to love, and if same sex couples want to marry, Mazel Tov !!!!
Celebrate each other, love each other. It's simple, it's Father, Son and Holy Ghost( all same sex) good.

Once Upon A Mattress

Bill and I will celebrate thirty years of, waking up together, next week.
It could be the next, next week?? I know we married in October!!!
Thirty years is?? How many years in a dogs life?? A zillion???
For our gifts to ourselves, we purchased a new mattress. No diamonds, rubies or pearls. A Serta perfect sleeper, pillowtop, BIG mother mattress.
A good nights sleep trumps EVERYTHING!!!!
I also joined a Health club, that was my present to Bill. I told him maybe it would make me nicer??
He wanted to know, how fast it would work!!
We make each other laugh, and that is the secret.
I was watching, Young and the Restless, YES I tape it and watch it, no apologies here. When I was reminded of how long I have been in love with Victor Newman, thirty-seven years!!!!
I like to keep my hubby on his toes, so often I let him know, there were others!!!
Love the one your with!!!! Happy Anniversary Bill.

IMAGINE

Sunday Morning TV show, at 9 o'clock, had a segment with Julian and Sean Lennon. They were celebrating their father turning seventy!!!! I took to the bed!!! Fell OUT!!!
We are just here a minute it seems. I think I was just watching the Fab Four on the Ed Sullivan Show, and John Lennon would have been seventy! I know this must be the Twilight Zone!!! In my minds eye, he is young and writing songs. Of course I was going to marry Paul, but I knew John had the gift.
I was a newly married lady, and I knew that I had picked the right man, when John Lennon died, and Bill took me to New York. The front of the building, where he was shot, had yellow tape all surrounding it, a hole in the front door, where my memories stopped. Bill circled several times, so I could, maybe blink, and wish it looked different. It remained a crime scene, and there were no more songs. John left us too soon, but look what he left us.
Julian Lennon had a photography exhibit, where the whole Lennon family had gathered. Yoko and Cynthia, hugging like old friends. Now I know I was in the Twilight Zone, so much bad blood, and history, and sadness, now healed because the Lennon brothers love each other.
All he was ever saying was, "Give Peace a Chance"
Happy birthday, old man with the gift.

A Picture,Tells A Story

An article in the Atlanta paper, jumped off the page. Actually, I was startled. The photo of this precious baby was looking at me. One of the captions read, family photos hold moving message.
An exhibition at Emory University's Visual Arts Gallery, show photographs that Polish Jews took with them to Auschwitz-Birkenau. These are family photos, that were grabbed and hidden from the Nazi's, and found later. The Jewish people would hide their pictures, in their shoes, undergarments, anywhere to keep the Nazi's from taking their memories. Most were destroyed, burned with the bodies of so many. The Nazi's goal was to take this group of people from history. The pictures, if left behind, would prove these people existed, Hitler was having none of that. Somehow, 2,400 were found after the camp was liberated. Yet they were hidden in a warehouse until Ann Weiss found them in 1986. Ann Weiss researched and put names to faces, and later produced a book, called "The Last Album:Eyes from the Ashes of Auschwitz-Birkenau"
This exhibit, "Testaments of the Heart" celebrates these peoples lives. Birthday Parties, weddings, family snapshots, not the usual photographs that we see from the camps.
I will be going to look, and honor these strangers lives. I can not pretend to understand their senseless deaths, but I can call them by name, and remember them.
I place photographs of, my Ward all over places, with his name on the back, and the day he was born and died. Hoping whoever picks it up, will call him by name, and honor that he was alive, and happy.
These millions of people who died at these camps, were loved and mourned, and we will not forget them.
And my Ward, we will not forget you.

Paint with a Broad Stroke

While trying to avoid cruising through life on auto pilot, October is sneaking up on me.
Come September, daily routine wraps me up. October begs me to pause. It reminds me to stop painting with just the broad strokes, and throw in some details!!! October speaks to me, and I think???? says, "Look closely, wayward angel!!!"
So that is what my October plan is. Breathe and look closely.
Being mindful. It sounds good in print!!!
So I began, by decorating my house for October, pumpkins are out and about. Candy apple and pumpkin scented candles are blazing. I'm ready October, come on!!!!
Each season I have framed photos of the kids growing up. Each season, I bring them out. So while the skeleton tree was coming together, out came the Halloween photos, and fall photos of my babies.
The above photo, of the boys, always makes me smile. I was mindful then!!!
I remember dressing them, and the feel of their clothes. I can smell that particular Pennsylvania day. I recall how heavy Hart was to lift, and how Ward would pose for all the photos. The pumpkins were almost too picked over, but we found some orange jewels, and loaded up the car. It was magic, there were details, and I remember them!!!
The fact that they fought all the way home, and over whose pumpkin was the best, and were hungry and tired and dirty, I have blocked out completely!!! My mantra, "Concentrate on the photo Bonnie!!"
Ward will have been gone thirty-nine months, this October. I'm grateful for my memories, and with each season, I'm reminded of our loss. Being mindful, means remembering everything, good and bad, and still loving October when it comes.

IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!!!

It's really Sunday evening, I never watch shows on the right day or night.
So this morning, with the newspaper and java, I watched SNL.
The show has been on 36 years, I think?? It was early morning, and I was working the clicker!!!
Saturday Night Live is family, another dysfunctional member, that I love.
Amy Poehler was the host and it was HILARIOUS. Totally disrespectful to all people, and so wrong, and yet so very right.
Four new cast members, joined present and past cast members for a reunion. A family reunion, minus Gilda and John, and a few more of the OLD people!!!
The Bronx Girls, Gay weddings at the Mosque at ground zero, Weekend News, Katy Perry in a Elmo shirt showing ta-tas galore!!! The bit with balding people and hair transplants, getting extra hair from the "hoo-hoo area" caused me to fall to the floor. They grew patches of "pubes" on top of their head. Seriously funny, soooo I saved the program for Bill to watch.
Please tell me why I try???
We were watching it "together", me screaming and Bill looking like Bob Newhart!!
"Are you laughing?" "Don't you think this is funny?"
Bill, " I was laughing, but you can't hear me, because you are laughing so loud!"
Looking at Bill, " This is LOUD funny!!!"
Then we both laughed at each other.
SNL, you still make me laugh, thank you, thank you, thank you!!

As of Late...

As of late, my reading has almost come to a halt, due to work!!!
Work is interfering with my creative side, and my reading time. The balance between work and pleasure has grown WIDE, and I'm weary, worn down and a tad mean!!!
Reading is my escape, my day at the spa, and I need some attention.
So I turned the TV off, and found a great book.
Knowing Jesse by Marianne Leone, is a gift. A gift that everyone should have a chance to experience. Her son had a seventeen year battle with cerebral palsy and died. The book is about his life, her family and a journey that none of us can imagine. Her son was non-verbal and she describes their communication as subtle as the song of a whale, and as complex and yearning as the trumpet of Miles Davis. She was taught to not listen for words, to hear what is under the words. The sounds that her child murmured. Her son , Jesse, never walked, he had seizures daily, and she saw her child, her beloved child. Just like I saw , my Ward.
I would suggest this book to all people in education, especially special ed, but all teachers are special ed teachers, aren't they?
I would suggest that all medical personal read this book, and all mothers who have lost a child.
I left my body, when my son left his. Yet you keep moving, you persevere. This book is about perseverance in the face of adversity, it is for all to read.
Jesse touched my life, he was a gift to me. His mother's unconditional love set to words.
Sometimes we just need to turn the pages of another person's life, and make make my weary mind take pause.

Who Are These People?

Anticipating my forty year high school reunion, this October, has made me question my sanity!!! I can barely recognize names on facebook!!!! and faces, PLEASE, all those seventeen year olds are gone, and I'm leading the pack!!!
We were all baby tigers, and now life has seasoned us. Some good, some bad, different political views, grown children and grands, well seasoned!!!
The funny thing is that we will always be connected, The class of 70.
Teenage angst and drama. Extremes run amok. Happy or sad, no in between.
Boo-Hoo if someone hurt your feelings or broke your heart. Happy, happy, Joy, joy over everything else. Passions were high. All was new to us, all these euphoric feelings, lust was in the air. Our heads were spinning, and not over Math class.
Football and make-out sessions were front lobe center.
It was magic, those years, and you can not bring it back, BUT......we can try.
I look forward to seeing my friends, with new eyes, and the same love I have always felt towards so many.
Many hugs, and tears and love will be shared with each story.
Let the party begin, we still have the magic!!!!