Listen For The Story

   A day in the life of ME, is hysterically funny.
   Honestly, I could not make this stuff up, if I tried.
   So I will share, listen for the story.
       September and October are all scheduled doctors appointments, much to my chagrin. Dentists, eye doctor, regular doctor for physical and flu shot, dermatologist, hoo-hoo doctor (GYN), mammogram, with a few hair-do appointments thrown in. I don't know how I squeeze them all into a few weeks, but I do, and it makes me think something must be wrong. Although these are routine visits, your mind can start to make up stuff. Yesterday ( I think) the eye doctor said I was a good candidate for Glaucoma. What a thing to say to people! I asked her if I get a trophy if I do get it, and she barely coughed/laughed. I then asked if I was getting it? She said no,we are just looking hard! The dentist wants me back to play around with a shadow he sees, under a permanent bridge that I have had , in my mouth, for 24 years? I reminded him that I feel perfect, but he sees a shadow. So we have to take the good bridge out, to see that its OK, but we have to make a new bridge, because you now have broken it??
    That was the start of this week, so today when I had no where to go , except to the gym, I became rattled.
    I woke up singing, Christmas carols and the Backstreet Boys, " Tellll  meeee whyyyyy, I did it my way" while I poured my coffee. Then hummed We Three Kings , on my way to the couch. I paused before sitting, and smiled at Bill, telling him, this day is going to be different. I don't think he heard me. That is perfectly fine.
  I strolled around the house until nine, and tried not to think too much about 9/11. I said a prayer, and left it at the alter. I have to do that more often these days. Leave it at the foot of the cross! Period.
  Gathered my workout clothes and headed to the gym. ( You know if you are reading this, I never made it! )
  Since I was driving near the mall, I could swing by and get Emma something else for her birthday. ( I thank Jesus daily for a daughter, they are so much fun to buy for!!) So as I look, thinking and walking, I convince myself that this is my exercise for the day. I will walk some more, to make my Fit Bit happy, stupid thing!
So I parked far from the stores, walked and walked, and then went to the grocery store, for silly things. Like sunflower seeds and spinach for a salad. I could have shopped like a normal person, but then it would not be me. I like small quick trips to the food store. If I lived in Paris, I would be doing this daily, so I like to pretend.
   I return home, maybe some lunch? but nothing seems right. So I skip it, and realize my big toe hurts. I think, " Well, glad I did not go to the gym, that would have made it hurt more!?" I sit for a minute, start to read a book, fold some clothes, do the dishes, blah blah blah. Its not enough!!! I need to work out, so I go pull weeds, and of course get so off course, I cut flowers and then arrange them, after I looked for a good thirty minutes for the right vase!! Now that is some moving the old body! I thought I could still swing by the gym, I have my clothes on, tennis shoes tied tight!! Who will put that salad together for supper and the chicken, I forgot I bought mushrooms, oh I want to do something good with these.....and now I need something to eat, Geez its almost two o'clock, ugh too late, I will just have some yogurt.
  Did I tell you about the witch hat that has been on my kitchen table for three weeks, why put it up now, its near October! It is just too much fun, this life.
   I read somewhere this week, someone said, " May Your Walls Know Joy!"
   I promise you, that my walls know joy, we listen for the story, its important.
   Even when it seems like a nothing day, its awesome, Listen close, tell your story.

I may go to the gym tonight, I will let you know:)

"Coconut Oil Seems To Do Everything. It's The James Franco Of Oils."-Lena Dunham

     I love funny people, and this line from Miss Lena won the prize this week. It has nothing to do with this blog, which I have decided this is a pattern for me. Somehow I will try to weave it into the story, but as of this second, I don't see that going down easy.
    All this week, with Fall breathing down my back, I have had a hard time, finding the joy. Not totally, but there has been a breeze of darkness hovering. So I have to work extra hard, or fall head first into gloom, and that is just not going to happen. To manage grief, is a full time job, summer lightens my load. Many things trigger grief in abundance, but as a rule, each day is a pleasure.
   Yesterday, I went to get some glasses fixed, and the lady said, " You did a number on these!" Oh no, she has to be kind. Me, " Well I fell at the art center, where I take classes, and I have cataracts!" She settled down, a little. My cataracts are babies, and  don't effect my sight yet, but she needed to be sweet! So I had a lovely time with her, trying on frames, that I did not need, but may in the future. She wrote down all the ones I liked, so I would not have to look so hard for them again, next time! ( Oh I did fall and break my toe, that was why my glasses were haywire) I left the place, feeling better and she felt better for being kind. Yes I did have to guide her, but its my job. People can take you down, or you bring them up, I am on the up escalator, so they better hop on.
   I felt so much better, that I stopped by the frame people, with some of my art. I walk in and this man, comes after me, to help me. He was near running, and said, " Can I help you?" Stepping back, I replied, " Not at this second." and he turned around. I thought that my tone, may have been a little sharp, so when I needed help, I went to him. I said, " Can you help me now, I'm ready?" He smiled and said, " I will try." He was wonderful, we had a great time talking about art, and my ideas for the frame and mat. I explained how he was way off in his choices, and he agreed with me. I had to help him, for the next person! I had a lovely time, and went on my way home.
  This may not sound like much to shout about, but it changed my morning, and I could make my afternoon work. Coconut oil can not fix all things, maybe James Franco can! but I would be willing to try both, you have to work hard at this loving life stuff. Add loss of a child, and it is an hour by hour job. Lucky for me, so much makes me happy.
   This morning , before my eyes were fully opened, I told Bill, " Ward was in my dream last night,"
Bill said, " That is great, how old was he?" Filling my coffee cup, " He was young, maybe 8, and he spoke to me." ( He has never talked in a dream, and he is usually older in my dreams) Dr. B. said, " That's funny,"
Me, " No its not funny, its wonderful. I asked if I could touch him, and he said yes. Then he laid beside me in my bed." This was a miracle, and nothing but joy in its purest form. So today, I have a full heart. Emma is headed to Auburn, Hart hopefully will help Bill take the cat to the vet tomorrow, and I will be at a sleepover with my girlfriends. We need to send Joan Rivers off with a tip of our hats, catch up, we were busy all summer, and just laugh. Laugh long and hard, and love on each other.
   I live a life of wonder, beauty and peace. AND if you are reading this, I pass this on. Celebrate something, or at least buy some Coconut oil, I hear it fixes everything, or call James! tell him Lena Dunham sent you.

Tis The Season

       For Football!
       I think yesterday, maybe earlier, there were TV's and radios set on football games at our house. Even if you were in another room, you could hear a game being played. We all had Ipads out looking up schedules, times, channels, lighting delays! We are a family of freaks and geeks for football.
      Hart was at the Auburn Game, and so was the new SEC Nation crew. I text him early!! to remind him to go see 'My' Timmy Tebow, and let him know we love him. All during that game, we had reports, play by play of what he saw, and what we saw on TV, to let him know if the call was right, or how long his rain delay may last. My cousins and friends were at the doomed Florida Game, who knows when that will get replayed. We watched Georgia, FSU, LSU, maybe some Mississippi State, Georgia Tech, honestly it was a football blur. It was Saturday football glory, even Lucy the Lab, looked concerned when we had to ask each other, if she had her supper?? All the team color garb comes out, and the smack talk about each coach and team member. My husband even watches Princeton and other unknown schools play, we allow his thinking outside the SEC box. Penn something, U Mass, ( I only thought they had basketball!) even Rutgers, I think has a team.
     Lucky for all we are good, at multifunctional working. We ate, shopped, read a book(me during the Georgia Game) pulled some weeds, washed clothes, walked Lucy, normal Saturday family duties. The difference is it was all done during half times, and a tight schedule. I feel very lucky to  have TV's in all rooms of the house, yes that is true, and I feel no shame! I grew up when TV was the end all, be all and it still has a place (many places) of honor in mi casa. In fact the big TV in the basement has been out for three weeks, and it makes me nervous. Bill says, "No one goes down there to use it!" ( that was after my rant about why there was no urgency to get it fixed quick, or buy a new one) Me, " Lucy and I use it on Mondays, and in the winter I like to paint down there, and......there has to be one!" "When people stay over, they need a TV!"
Bill, " Well there sure are other TV's all over the house, want me to put one down there?"
    Me again, " No, then that room would be minus a TV?" " Just roll with me!" "Husband of 34 years."
   Its Football Season, and we have to be ready. ( Note I have tennis on as I type!) in the kitchen, its wonderful!
   Thank you Homer for teaching me all about sports, and Mary for teaching me, to take my dolls with me everywhere! Knowledge of sports and taking care of babies, two traits that stayed with me.
        Go Gators, War Eagle, Go Tech, and I guess Princeton! for my one and only! Go U Mass for Brian and NYU, Keith I seriously don't think they had sports, did they?? I know you play a mean game of billiards!
  Tis the Season !

Remember, You Have To Be The Sun, Not The Wind

      As far back as I can remember, I have been a force of nature. More like a hurricane, instead of a light breeze. When all along I just wanted to be The Sun!!
     Even as a little tot, I was told, to stop  being so hard-headed and sensitive. A rare combo of traits, that have stayed with me for life. I told my parents, at a very young age, to try and enlighten them, that my stubborn streak was because I wanted answers. I truthfully did not want to have them pull their hair out, I just wanted to know why? You could punish me, but I wanted to state my case, and it was 1952. Children did not have an opinion, or the right to question. So I learned to read early, and find my own answers.
    After I held my breath until I passed out!! on a few occasions. I just wanted to know why I had to come in from outside, it made no sense!
   Being overly sensitive, I call passionate about life. Everything hurt my feelings, things bothered me, I cried often and buckets full. If a plant died, I would weep for days, when I just needed someone to buy me another one, or explain nature. My dresses itched, with all the petticoats and I would remove them, no one should have to wear these things! My skin was sensitive too! Lassie caused many a sleepless night of angst, I just wore my heart on my sleeve and it was pumping! Mom worried and Dad just said to ignore her! ( that being me) I was the first born princess, and I thought they should recognize this on a daily basis. But life being what it is, became busy with babies, and daddy working hard. They were both in their early twenties, God Bless them! ( mom worked hard too, no dryer, no microwave, no air conditioner and you had to cut up a chicken!! which is a deal breaker for me!)
    I adjusted and lived a life of being on a pedestal with Homer, (daddy) having one foot on it, to take me down a peg or two, when needed.
     I am explaining this to you, the reader, so you can appreciate my blog more!
     Yesterday, I was headed to the art supply store, and I had the window of the car down. The weather is just beautiful. I felt tears well up in my eyes, so I pulled over. How can August be almost over, How can I bottle up the smell of this fresh cut grass? I wonder if there is a way to put smells and sunshine in a jar and open it in the winter? Boo hoo ing, snot coming down my face, hysterical. You see now, how I still ask so many questions!! I inhale and exhale, and thank God for this beautiful day, and get my self together. Then I laugh at what I must have looked like in the Art Store. They were really kind to me, and asked if I needed help, in a strong tone!
   I returned home, and remembered again that day, it was Ward's birthday, and my emotions are a little raw.
 ( Honestly they are like this everyday! Ask my family!) So I sat still and thought of wonderful memories of my precious boy, who was hard headed and soooooo sensitive, and cut off the tags of his shirts because they bothered him. I smiled and then felt like I could feel the grief flowing all over my body, I could feel each of my cells in my body. So I went to sit in the sun.
    I will be the vessel of Wards memories, I will be the Sun even in Winter. I will just be me, and that is enough.
   August, another good year, thank you 

Shift Work

   Right now, the second shift has the grands at the pool. Uma ( another one of my names) and Grandpa Bill,are home picking  up the pieces and trying to squeeze in a nap. Emma will be home soon, she is the third shift, and then we gather as a tribe . Kicking and screaming all the way.
   There is nothing easy about children, but you do have moments of jubilation.
   Today I am reminded of where I was thirty years ago, and I have let Hart know hourly what I was doing!
   He turns thirty today, and he needs to be know all details each year, of his birth story.
   My mom was with us in Pennsylvania, I was sick and she had all shifts at the time. We went to the doctor, and she said , " You have pneumonia and are in labor, so we have a problem!" I think I told mom to drive me to the railroad tracks and just let me end it, Quickly! but that could have just been the fever. The doctor sent me home on giant doses of antibiotics with the hopes that it would kick in before the kid. You realize I had a three year old, in tow also.Better yet, my mom did. A three year old, that only loved his mom and her hair! We made it home, and I hit the bed, yelling at mom from my prone position, " Call Bill, this is not working, I have a scheduled C-section, why am I going through all this labor, again!! So Dr. Bill rushed home and to Trenton, New Jersey we flew. The doctor said, " You are four centimeters and you cant breathe, want to try natural?"  Me talking, gasping for air, " You have five minutes to numb me, and cut this baby out of me, and tie my tubes!" She laughed, " Oh Bonnie, you are so funny." When my husband said, " Now you have four minutes, doctor before her head starts spinning!" ( why do they always use the Exorcist reference?) She took out this huge baby boy, and we called him William Hartley Baron, or Hart to all that love him. Then the pulmonary people came to deal with me, I was a sick mom. Plus I get a psychosis in hospitals and start to see things! The man that came to do some respiratory therapy on me in the wee hours, I called the nurse to get him out! I could blow on that tube with out a teacher, and he looks like a ghost to me! ( that little tid-bit I kept to myself. Then later when my breast were as big as a football stadium, Nurse Ratchett wants to do a honey enema on me, promising me that it would not hurt, but failing to tell me how hard it is to wipe honey off your...........for days on end, after a c-section.( I think it was honey-molasses, have you ever)
  Well all the shifts took care of me,and I was off for home, to give mom a break ( by now she and Ward are sick) Hart was a perfect child, slept hours on end, and I never put him down. Now I had two boys in my lap and in my heart forever. He grew up to be a fun teenager, and smart  young man. AND now, he has a shift with the grand kids. A long shift.....and a reminder from me. There will always be shift work in your life, you will not like some of it, but give it your best. AND anytime you want to see my scar where your big head came through, just ask!
         Love,
           Mom

You Are Going To Need A Bigger Boat

    Each and all Saturdays, I repeat this phrase, "You are going to need a bigger boat!" from the horror movie, Jaws.
    My life is big and full, and all my joints ache! ( what is this process our bodies go through, where we begin to make noise with each movement!) ( and you know I am tracking each step!)
    August is the month I had my babies, and its my birthday, and its wicked hot. August is my happy place.
    My Hart, who is my heart, celebrates his 30th birthday next week. August is a time of reflection of thirty years with this big boy. I think he was 97 percent perfect, and that is all I will say! (not true!)
   I often would wake him up, because he loved to sleep, and I wanted to look at him more!
   His laughter is hysterical, no in-between. He makes me laugh, still.
   I love you Hartley Baron, more than The Beatles. 8-21-84)
   My Ward would have been 33 (8-26-81) this summer. Of course I think about what he has missed, but I concentrate on what he left us. The stories are endless......he was a character. He was a genius, that went to the edge. When I delivered him, via c-section and 26 hrs of labor,  I thought, " Oh God, I love him way too much!" It was a miracle, this having babies, and him being my first, I was insane with love! I held him for two years in a row, and maybe more!! I wish I could hold him right now, and in a way, I can. I love you more each day Ward. You were a gift to us, that we unwrap on the hour. Happy Birthday.
  Then there was Emma, born 9-18-88, but came to us 8-4-89 on a plane from India. So she came into our family also in this glorious month of August. A wisp of a child, very frail and sick, but I knew she was ours. I looked into her charcoal eyes and said, " Your are home." I had my girl, who turned into the star that she is today. Happy Adoption day Emma Lea.
  The August babies were added to two stepsons, whom I met in August. While attending a weekend course at Princeton, in Echocardiography, I met Bill Baron, and Keith age 7, and Brian age 6. Now you see why I have repeated for many Saturdays I NEED A BIGGER BOAT! Now Keith is 41 and Brian 40, they went on this marriage journey with me, and we started a family together. They are mine, with every beat of my heart.
    This Saturday is no different, the waves of crazy busy are high and I struggle to get over them. I do it with joy. Small victories around each corner, and a heart full of love.
    August, you have charmed me, for yet another year.
   

A New Wood Salad Bowl And Summer Tomatoes

     Do not let the title throw you, this is a serious subject.
     When I heard about the comic actor, Robin Williams death by suicide, I stopped breathing.
      The first thing I thought about, was my salad for supper! That was enough to keep me going for a few more days! It was beautiful and delicious, and a reason for living. You see I too, suffer from depression, and I work hard to find joy in all things. Never in my 62 years of living, have I felt the need to check out, but I cannot know Robin Williams heart.
       Suicide is nothing but questions, how bad does it get? To leave your family, never hear music again, taste food, smell summer. Mental illness, and addiction was his beast of burden. Mr. W was living a life of high octane, explosions of genius, comedy and drama, and a dark side that decided, no more.
       I wish someone had just been with him, to maybe talk him out of it. They were probably all talked out. I have been there also, with a child with mental illness. He had money and doctors, but at 3 in the am, we are all alone. Maybe he was just finished, he did have a big life, by all accounts. I just think he had a really bad day, and those days you have to work harder. Mr. W you were a crazy man, and in the south we love CRAZY. We recognize it in most family members and relatives, with friends and neighbors thrown into the looney bin bowl. I am just sorry that your crazy was destructive. Crazy Genius, Crazy fool, the line is so fine.You were gifted, and that you shared with us all. We do not understand, and that is OK, we send you into the universe with much love.

       In the movie Good Will Hunting, your character said, " It's the imperfections, that's the good stuff."
and in The Fisher Kings, " Its important to think. It's what separates us from the lentils!"

      You, my friend, are perfectly imperfect, like the rest of us.
       Thank you for giving us so much, and always making me think.