Rudderless

For the past few days, this word, rudderless, has come to my attention. Three different times, and ways to communicate. Words fascinate me, and its July, I feel a tad rudderless.
I know all Jesus people will say, he is your rudder, which is great. My relationship with him, is more like a brother, who lets me make mistakes, and tells me to LEARN from it.
I know it is a boat term, to help you go a certain way. Also used as a guide in any situation, no boat needed.
 Covid  and humidity, are not a good combo. I think it ate my rudder!! Rotted it, infested it and threw me to the sharks!!! Lucky for me, I am a good swimmer, and can tread water for days!! However I feel like I may be tasty, and a good meal for the sharks, 50/50, Jesus, my brother, throw me a rope!!
4th of July ( to begin a sentence with a number, treading water) came and went, with no fanfare. Depression dancing on my doorsteps, was there a holiday?
My work continues, turn over all stones, Bonnie!! Live this life, beast or not.
I am my own rudder, I can hang out a shingle, "Rudders Working."
Hamilton on the telly, mama is a happy camper.

First viewing, I absorbed every movement, eyelash curl and hung on each perfect note.
Second viewing, I put the closed caption words on, and grabbed my pencil and paper.
This play is poetry in motion.
Third viewing, I may have told the darling hubs, he could leave the room, because I was going to sing, the entire production. ( he left)
I found my rudder.
My favorite line in its entire span, was Eliza, " You built me Palaces out of Paragraphs!" Lord have mercy, have you ever had someone write you a letter like that!! A. Ham had a way with the words, and not enough time. AND even after his short comings, like not keeping IT in his pants, she knew his story had to be told. She would tell of his goodness, and do good herself.
The real story is, her story. Eliza Hamilton, Thank you.

We have tickets to see the play, but C and H ( Covid and Humidity) canceled that.
I knew when it was first on the horizon, that most likely it would be better if I did not dive in. I have a very addictive personality to many things, and Broadway is one!! I probably would have moved just to go see this play many times, inching my way towards the end of my sixties, I thought better ( see my rudder is working) I delayed my gratification. WHICH is a pure miracle, thank you Brother J.
So when I heard it was coming on Disney, I thanked my youngest gran, Wyatt, for hooking his Uma up.
I have read a couple of books in between musical numbers!! and cooked like I worked the cafeteria at Morrison's.
Mom has had two better days, and that is always a good sign, grab it, and hold tight. Kids are good, and I told them unless there is a lot of blood, mama doesn't need to know. ( Mom is my mother, Mary, if I confuse you) ( If you read my blog, you are confused already) ( god bless you)
Flowers are putting on a July fantastic show, and sunshine is the best medicine, hands down!! Unless its Vicks, which is still pretty darn good.
Keep safe, wear a mask, we need data, and fix your rudder!!
love
B

PBS

Please BE Safe, wear a mask. Stay home, wash your paws!!

PBS in this blog, stands for Public Broadcasting System.

I hope you always look there first, Netflix second, throw in National Geographic and Disney Prime!!

This Saturday morning PBS it was and crazy learning going on. ( Note I have been depressed going on three days, and its unusual for me because I have Big Meds!!) ( I felt different on Thursday, and its been over 20 years since I have felt the beast.)
I guess we are all depressed during these stranger things kind of days. Virus counts are off the charts high, especially in my beloved south.( You know I will blame it on Humidity!) ( or plain stupid!!)
We have been inside, tooooooo long, Mom has good and bad days, and the hubs is, well, trying to help. I have been painting and reading and cooking, like the mad hatter, and am way down the rabbit hole!!
Back to PBS.
I will find joy, I have the tools, I need to be happy and work hard. I know how to PIVOT!! Turn around and keep going, fix this chemical imbalance, and everyday life. I have always shared with you, the reader, none of this happy is easy!! We, all of us, have to redefine our limitations. Life's daily struggles are harder to rally for than life's big mother cooter stuff!!!!
There is no such thing as, we have it all together. That is where PBS comes in.
Today there were two stories, and I just saw pieces of each, (making up bed, and taking a bath may have led me astray). One was about a man who refinishes furniture, and he was lovely. Beautiful work, with many warehouses of projects to do. Hand carving, reupholstering, staining, and knowledge of so much. A gift of a job, he had. A master artist, builder and handsome. Beautiful hands, and hair, I notice everything So glad I got to meet him half way through. Then went to the other PBS channel, and this lady, Ashley Longshore, was being interviewed during dinner. Who is this ray of sunshine, the bath could wait. She is a very different kind of artist, Warhol, Betsy Johnson, Peter Max ish!! She wakes up happy every day!! She is intoxicating, and said her greatest super power is Enthusiasm!!! I needed to see her this morning, and she came to me!! She has a big story, read about her. She also said her ability to Pivot in life, is a game changer!! She also, after eating some beautiful soup, said, it made her cry, it was so fantastic!! YES, enjoy each moment, make it enjoyable, work super hard, look around you, support your local broadcasting stations!!
 The virus is now a part of out everyday, we know what to do, Pivot!! change the negative results.
Do more for others, love each other, intoxicate the world.
Gotta go fix mama some lunch, love you al.
(

I Like A Little Dinge

Title is a pearl from Ben Napier (Make Something Good Today, book)

This current situation of, hanging out with the family, has me looking closely at everything. Normally I look toooooo close, I turn over the rock, dig a hole, keep digging, buy a plant, watch it grow, learn all I can about the rock, soil and plant, then worry about the weather.
I PAY ATTENTION, to words and actions, movement and reason for the movement!!
What I am trying to tell you, this hunkered down virus time, is difficult!!
So I keep moving, reading, working in the yard, visiting with mom and hubby, few kids here and there. Write letters, paint, and stew standing up!!

My family is lucky that I can entertain myself and I like a little dinge!!
I left hand prints from all my grandchildren on my windows, for months, just enjoying their little fingers. I like a clean house, just not orderly.
In the above mentioned book, the Napiers write-We are all houses, altered by time and circumstances. Our lives shaped by the good and the bad, and we take it all in and make it a part of us.
I think we are our homes, patched together with this mess of a life. We are tender as, raw biscuit dough, ( from book) and haunted by what-ifs and, worst case scenarios.
During this year of 2020, all the days, are large and limited. It will take work to navigate these waters. I wish you strength and abundant joy to be your best version of yourself.
   Today is Fathers Day, and facebook sent me a memory from 2007 or maybe it was 2010, I have shot short term memory!! That explains so much.
I had called my father on this Fathers Day morning, and my brothers had done the same. We had apparently called back to back. Note-my father never talked on the phone!!! I asked daddy how he was? Simple question, right?? He spoke, " I have been on the phone all morning with you kids, checking on me.!!" his day was not going so good. He continued, "I am fine, now bye!" and " If you send me any shirts, I am giving them to Tommy(my brother)." I held the receiver a tad away from my howling laughter, and said, " OK Homer, and we love you too!"
My daddy was very different, if he hugged you, some animal of ours had been run over in the driveway.
 He quizzed us on old movies, old music, history and cowboys. I have a doctorate degree is strange things to remember. He was Yoda with a drawl. He taught us all to know the ins and outs of a car, and convinced us, that we could never learn. He tried to teach me golf for about five minutes, and told me in no uncertain terms, do not ever try this again. I played tennis instead!!! He never unpacked a suitcase in his life, while traveling, because I promise he was not staying!!
I can also say for sure, no one could love us anymore then he did. We knew it, we understood his ways.
I miss him, but I have stories on top of stories.
My old boyfriends still tell Homer stories, not everyone one wants to watch a boil being lanced before a date!!!
He made me pull off the road laughing so hard, I could not see. Also made me so angry, I jumped out of a moving car, because he was trying, in his way, to teach me to drive.
We were lucky to have him so long.
I will not call you today daddy, but I will write about you.
Thank you for being you
Number one daughter
Bonnie

Bring Me All Your Dreams

  Bring Me All Your Dreams
         You Dreamer,
     Bring Me All Your
          Heart Melodies
    That I May Wrap Them
    In A Blue Cloud-Cloth
Away From The Too-Rough Fingers
           Of The World.

Langston Hughes

   Mom has been living with us since March. Daddy has been in all my dreams, a guest appearance, is guaranteed. My father passed away recently, or it feels recently, if you want extra info about him. He was never in any of my dreams, not one. Now he is visiting on a nightly basis. I told mom, he is just checking on her, through me. However, he is not asking about mom, he seems to be helping me, find lost items, and giving me directions. ( he gave all of us directions, all the time!!) ( road rage, hung close to dad, in a car. Even explaining how to do anything!!was his wheelhouse) ( God Bless him!!)
( I do know how to get to Main Street Dad, 67 years later, still!)
Being a big dreamer, I write down a bunch, because I remember my dreams, and sometimes, I just can not figure them out.
The other morning, I woke up and began to write. I was celebrating Brenda Brickel and my birthdays, (a friend from high school, love her) in a big world of our birthdays. ( Brendas birthday is not the same as mine, if you are thinking that) I never saw Brenda at the party, I was looking for her. I did get to see so many people, that I have probably loved at some time. Dream lover, that I am.
Ron Howard was so nice, a good hugger, Nancy Sinatra still was walking them boots!!,all the Harry Potter kids, allowed me to be in the book or the movie, so exciting. I could just walk onto any play, that I have dreamt about being in, boom, Rent, The King and I, all original cast.
I was wearing a cute red hat, and had lost my glasses, and purse, which is in every dream. There were also so many doors to open!! I was lost, as a ball in tall grass. That's when I saw daddy, and he showed me a few doors to open, they were all good choices, and told me to look at Waze on my phone to find the way to the beginning of my birthday. ( note, he never owned a cell phone, nor would have told me to use Waze!!)
 I found the start of the party and it was over, as if there never was one. I felt OK, missed the cake, and never found Brenda, but I knew how to go to the parking lot.
Always nice to see old friends, Melinda Youngblood Brewer was there, in a huge, lavender flower hat, like and old lady at church. We laughed so hard, and neither of us knew why.
I woke up a little later then my 4 or 5 am call time, I think it was around 6 and I panicked!! Half the day was gone.
I wrote as much as I could remember down, to later think of it.
I did not find the words to describe how happy I was, it was just a sweet feeling.
The world today, is so harsh with virus, protests, and a 30/30 TV program on Lance Armstrong that has sickened me!!!
I looked to Langston, to find some answers, and I did.
A blue cloud cloth, wrap me up, I bring you a very special dream.
Daddy go visit mom, I know which way to go.

I Stand Aghast

Not totally true, and you can not fact check me.
I am in a sitting position, front room window, with nada to say.
My mother wished me a Happy June, this morning, so I know the month.
I have three lists going, and nothing is checked off. Again.....I did look for a mink stole and can not find it, can any one in my family direct me to where it is. I found the mink and fox jacket, but not the stole. I found the dentist number, I have a tendency to GRIT my teeth to a powder, when stressed!! Why was I looking for my animal skin/fur things?? I don't know, just cleaning out closets and my cluttered mind. No reason.
Someone idiots ( use that term with ease) have been on my blog, like a hacker, only writing down, like those games you play on FB. I may need number one son, to go investigate. What my smile tells me, ( that is the repeated blog hack) I don't need to know, because I am not smiling!!

The C virus is here to stay, people are acting like it is a normal summer, and let me tell you, its not.
There are so many rules at out neighborhood pool, I think I will have to take the packet with me. Normally I would just be required to bring my towel, and know the code to get in.( which means I would call one of the kids to tell me the code) I go to free swim, no lifeguards ( no George Garcia, Nicky Brown, all the darling lifeguards of my youth!!) to save me, I hang out for a spell, swim, read, pink up, and done. Are all these rules for me??

AND now, this horrible protest, war zone, of people who are unheard.

I believe in protest, I have walked in every march for a cause. I grew up in the 60's, I know how to burn my bra, fight aids, love all people whom go by an initial LGB....etc. I followed the Black Panthers, marched in Civil rights groups, I believe in equality, for all people. ALL, that is ALL people!!!!
 I do not believe in violence, looting, pot stirrers, uneducated, lazy, BAD people.
BUT.....where do you channel the anger? The fear?
You don't destroy where you live, and that Gucci purse?? Steal food for the family, then we can talk.

Poverty, lack of education, racism, and a political system that needs an overhaul, I hear you, we can not breathe. I have been to my own mountain top, not yours. I will walk with you, all of you, to make myself heard. I will not support stupid actions, of violence, that does nothing but make a cause look worthless.

We, WE are all in this together, in my heart, my actions, and my service to others. Am I a liberal pussy, maybe in some eyes. I prefer to call myself a liberal tiger mom, who has been to Laurel Canyon, I heard the music!!!  Peace is in my soul, how do I get that for others to follow. Writing, voting, living a good human life!!!
Loving people, even the ones hard to love, I love you, and put down that brick.

Now I have to call the dentist, I have no teeth left!!

I stand Aghast

Nothing Good Happens Outside-Larry David

I so wish you all were sitting beside me, laughing at my massive amounts of notes!! They are random, crazy fun. I know at the time of writing, their is a purpose of all. What that is, honey is another chapter.
Lionel Ritchie plays loud in the background, velvet!! Mom is feed and having her personal time of washing, and brushing, and letter writing. The good doctor, is at his favorite place, Kroger grocery store, masked and gloved, getting, god only knows what. I am just thankful I don't have to kill a chicken, and cut it up!! I thank the almighty daily, for being born in this time period. Even with a horrible virus, I have it good!! Pre cut up chicken, thank you!!!
We have been hunkered down, and I heard Mr. David say that nothing good happens outside, anyway. Stay inside. He was not referring to virus, just life in general, just chill and enjoy your space.
Still looking at my notes, I see my blood pressure written down from February, a password or two, and this pearl, "You and me, sitting in the back of my memory." Now that is noteworthy.
On the back of that page I see, Social Distancing does not mean disengagement. I think I have passed that on to some family members. ( God Bless um)
"If you can't measure it, you can't improve it." in convo with hubs one morning. Talking about , we need data, testing, Dr. Bill, Princeton Science, I agree dear one.
 Hard to believe, but I have read a few books, planted some flowers, and cooked enough food, to feed the continent of Africa!!!
The Dearly Beloved, by Cara Wall
The Island of Sea Women, by Lisa See
Here are some quotes from both, that will remain with me always.
..She had died from mother love.
..Her house is the nest where she hides the joy, laughter, sorrows and regrets of her life.
..parents exist in children
..obligations are the fuel for life.
..born from humidity( this is the song of my life!!)
..doilies do not hide bad furniture( wow and wow, and wow)
..house cobwebbed with worry and swept clean by relief
..friends would forever be her stitches, her ballast, her home
Books to read
1. House Made of Dawn by N. Scott Momaday
2.Writers and Lovers by Lily King
3. Holding On To Nothing by Elizabeth Chiles Shelburne
4. Suffer Strong by Katherine and Jay Wolf
5. Make Something Good Happen by Erin and Ben Napier

It is important to write things down, and have many books waiting for you.

This is a time, of change, the climate is uneasy. I listened to a speaker that my friend, Bird Woman, had posted this week. Wonderful lady and I cant remember her name, but she is divine.
She began to ask, " What do you need to pack for the day?" To stay positive and let your light shine!!!
Mother of God, what do you pack in your suitcase of this life, to shine??
Well, this morning, I packed, music, books, notes and a pen. Wonderful computer to use, and knowing right this second, my family is good, and I don't have to cut up a chicken.
The day is beautiful and may my light shine on you, over this blog.
Love, Love, Love

What Moments Define You?

   May has blown in with strong winds, rain and today, blessed sunshine.

   Warm weather and sunshine, change even the Covid feelings around the world.
   My husband asked me yesterday, if I had blogged about the virus, and our isolation? Stay inside orders, should have giving me a wealth of stories, but...…I have been working hard on myself to stay in a good place. The fear and horror of nursing home patients, bodybags stacked up in ice trucks, so many people dying and sick. Loss of jobs, and hurting, sadness, and the circus of fools, in the White House. I don't know what to say.
   I think I know some answers, or questions, that I could run by some high political people, but they aren't listening. I would like to ask, protesters, acting like terrorists', to use words, not machine guns to get your point across. Angry people, they are not listening to you either.
It is a very unstable, different time to be hanging out of this earth of ours.
I was reminded yesterday of the 60's, early 70's and thought, geez that was so raw and unrested people.
We survived that period, we humans, have a strong spirit. I do have hope, but right now, it is meek in my heart.
Yesterday a dear friend, texted me to tune into PBS American Masters. So I did.
I love that my friends, all of them, know me so well. Know my likes and dislikes, enough to nudge me in the right direction.

 It was about a Native American, Momaday, Alfred or Scott. ( looking at my notes, who knows??)
He is so wise and brilliant, and I had to clutch my heart at every word, that spilled from him.
House Made of Dawn, is a book, I am going to read, when I stop typing to you.
The title of this blog, was said by him, and I thought, no kidding. Bad or Good moments, things that change you, even the smallest word, can turn the oxcart around. It was about the storytellers, the Native American storytellers. The oral tradition, and their history ( that we took from them) so rich, and so lost. An entire group of people, thrown away. Never throw people or words away. ( I feel like that is what we may be doing now)
He used the word, DELIGHTED, several times.  Delighted in Life, that is how we should feel every single day. He was delighted, when someone referred to him, as a story teller. The sun dance, was a way of worship, thanksgiving, for food, and another day. I think we have stopped singing and dancing. We are all teachers, and writers, and healers, we ARE!! Use our talents, tell your story, help someone, share some food, or company, even at a distance.
This moment defines you, this very moment.
Delight in being here.
And keep hope alive, by our thoughts, words and deeds.
Thank you HTA, your little message, turned my day around, and surrounded me with Peace.
I will watch it again, to see if I missed a single word.