Allow Myself

 I sit here at the screen, with a draft in the air, waiting for The Masters Golf to come on.
    April in Atlanta is fickle as can be, warm, hot, cold, drafty. On TV it will show all of its beauty in spring. Golfers may be wearing sweaters, but oh how they swing!
I text mom this Sunday morning, to tell daddy, Thank You for teaching me to love golf. It is much like meditation to me, with the added bonus of cute guys and nice clothes!! Daddy only tried to teach me to play once, Homer has no patience, you do know that, by now!! However he took me to many golf tournaments, and we watched golf many a Sunday afternoon. Our Kenmore Street, backed up to the golf course. I would go lay on the green, on some summer days, just for the quiet and pure pleasure of pretty green, fresh cut grass. OF COURSE mom said to never go on the course, we could get hit by a ball and die!! Heck, I was going to go out happy!! ball to the head, but so peaceful on the course.
  You also realize....if you follow me....this has nothing to do with my blog!!!
       Now...
 Last weekend, Dr B. ( number one hubs) and I had to attend a memorial service.
 Which is getting much too often for me.
  I did not know this lady who had died, nor really her husband, he had worked with Bill for several years. It does not make a difference, you support each other, when they have to attend such things. ( I may have gone, kicking and screaming a little, but it was in an old church in Decatur, Georgia, I was in!) ( Atlanta in spring, old church, Decatur, summers of my youth, Aunt Frances)
   This church smelled old, but I felt a comfort in the hard, hard pew. ( I told Bill that the pew was for penance!) ( He was raised Catholic, I have to teach him about Baptist, Methodist and all in between) This was a Baptist church, that had told in the bulletin, there may be singing and dancing!!( talk to me Jesus!) ( I was hoping for a Pentecostal laying on of hands, for my hubby) ( maybe next time) ( baptist freak him out a little) ( duh)
  We sat, nodded our heads, to strangers, and this girl and lady, go to the front to sing. WELL.. I had to grab my heart, Hallelujah by Cohen, was sung like a young Joni Mitchell. I have never heard it sung so well, in my life, ever!! I was saying AMEN out loud, and think scared the man in front of me. ( Don't people get moved!) then there was a great poem, John O'Donohue's, To Bless The Space Between Us, "On the Death of the Beloved" This is beautiful, then children spoke about their mother, so raw and darling, the good and not so good relationships that they all had, with her. So pure and sweet. Then this little preacher, ( baptist, go long) began to talk. I thought, gosh, I wish I had known this Barbara Ann Tolbert, she lived life to the max. Doing good things, she was real. I had to take notes, I found a pencil and money envelope!! ( Bill is giving me a look)
   This lady who gardened ( her yard and her family, that is a wonderful thought! to garden your family also!) was struck with horrible pancreatic cancer. She suffered greatly, yet made a podcast to help people who are going through some of the same things she was experiencing. She is a warrior. The minister finally ( god bless him) said she had to learn to allow herself to be cared for!!
    That was her last life lesson, and she shared that thought with him. So powerful.
 What do we allow ourselves to do,, see, learn, explore, share, love in this earthly life.
 Hate is everywhere, even in church, I was hating that pew!!
 I did not allow it to stay long in my mind, love was swirling around that church, I honestly felt like if I looked close enough, I may see it, visible love.
  Then it was over, you know big covered dish in the basement fellowship hall, but I was spent.
 We walked out into the sunlight, and I told Bill, We are so close to Aunt Frances house, lets find it. He thought out loud, we don't even know if its still there. I didn't care, I just needed to see the street. It was there, I took pictures of all the azaleas, Mrs Kessler's house was gone, but Aunt Frances house was whole. Cracks all in the driveway, no roses anywhere. No laughter bellowing out of each room.
But I felt the same thing, I had felt in church that afternoon. Pure love and memories, I allowed myself to feel each little thing, it was a beautiful day.
I hope you have many, like my new friend Barbara, what we leave behind matters. What we do each day, is important. Allow yourself.
       Take the time, to allow this precious day to unfold, good or bad, live it fully.
    AND if you are lucky, which I think we all are, with a little work! watch The Master's and breathe.

I love Rory!!!