Radiate or Drain

    While driving to an early morning mammogram appointment, I was talking out loud about, why do I make such early appointments? Bitching continued until I heard something on the radio, or CD that was playing, Radiate or Drain!! Stop what you are doing Bonnie, ( still talking out loud) where is paper and a pen, you will never remember this! Found napkin and pen, red light, write!! I had only been in the car about 5 minutes, and already beautiful things were happening, I just had to be aware.
My choice on that particular day, and all my days, are I get to decide how its going to go. I can send out light, or suck the air out of the room!! ( all this info just in going to the doctors office) ( my brain is a creature of its own!!) ( I amuse myself, at every turn)
   I have had a cold for two weeks, and here I was at the titty smasher place, hacking and coughing. I wonder if I should sit away from everyone, until I realized that the entire office was coughing more then I!!! Damn them, for spreading probably new germs!! Don't Drain Bonnie!!! I was sitting for an eternity ( its not easy to radiate in these places) when, as usual, someone wanted to share with me a story. I think, I must have the face of a receiver of information. This lovely lady, said " Can I tell you something?" ( my head was in a book) I certainly said, "Sure" She preceded to tell me, that while she was having her bosom jerked around, she saw a roach, which made her scared." she continued, " Well I was locked down in the machine, so I could not move, and I screamed." She was laughing, I think I may have smiled. I said, pretty dryly, " Iam from Florida, roaches don't scare me." She looked at me funny, ( not everyone gets me, that is OK!) I thanked her for the warning, I think she was telling me this, to warn me?? Then she coughed right in my face. It is never easy to radiate joy!! I quickly got up, to wash my face, and hands.
      The the little technician called my name, and preceded to try and take photos of my torpedoes. She kept saying one more, I missed ALL of this one side, or that side, or the middle. You have to realize, that my boob screwed down between plastic trays, spreads out to an extra large pizza!! It is always a good time. I then go to another waiting area, and see the doctor, whom I love. She tells me, that as large as my breast are, they are not dense. They are clean and perfect, and all woman know, that is the best news ever. This breast cancer, is no joke, get your mammogram done.
 I get in the car, drive home, and this feeling of gratefulness comes over me. The sky is so blue and the grass is so green, and I wonder if people see it? Humans are so wrapped up in the word busy, and "got to do this", do you see what is right in front of you? I think you can only radiate, if you see things. And in the same breathe, you are a drain when you fail to see, the truth, the love, the colors, the blessing, the laugh of a baby, a soft rain, talking to you mom everyday still!.
   I do know with the profound loss of a child, this ability to see is clouded. To the very depth of your being, intense sorrow, leaves you with nothing. At least that is what you think for so long, but it allows you to be still, and aware. Normal, that is gone, but your new normal still can shine or leak out all that is good, it is the same. Your choice, always your choice.
     I never stop missing my Ward, seriously every minute of everyday. I just know that he is proud of me, and laughs at me all the time. Often I think I can here him, " Mom you are the only person I know that would call their boobs, an extra large pizza!" and I smile, " So glad, I can still make you laugh kid!"
    Love Love Love