Don't Unpack and Live There

      I was thinking, as I always do, about grief and pain.
      Somewhere I heard the above title, Don't Unpack and Live There! and....I think it can be applied to so much of daily life. At least , my life, the only one I know inside and out.
      I like to unpack and over stay, hyper focus, on so many things. Good and bad, so I work hard to remedy hanging with the bad thoughts.
       With grief, there is no escaping, you live it. Pack or unpack, no difference, I don't even bring a suitcase and it is there, morning, noon and night. It lives with me, but I don't live there. I think that is the only way to survive. I do not, live in grief!
       Lately, pain has held court, and damn if it hasn't come to stay. My only choice is a hip replacement, so I need to get this scheduled. I will not let it live in my body, this horrible pain, that wants to stay.
      I am reminded of my father, who for years, whenever he visited us, he would never unpack his suitcase. When he arrived, he sat at the table and planned his departure. Which I thought, was horrible, how could he want to leave us so soon. ( I think he may have slept in his clothes for a quick get away!) ( at least in Atlanta) ( In Pennsylvania, he had to stay a week, and that about killed him, I think he changed clothes)
      Now as I have morphed into him, I see the logic.
      Never unpack and live there!
      Pain, grief, depression, anger, hurt feelings, don't unpack!!
      And when you travel and visit with family, make it short and sweet.
      We call them Homerisms! all of my dads quirky sayings.
      Just this week, I said, " there are so many unattractive people in this world!" Homerism!
      ( he use to say UGLY, but he is trying to mellow in age!)
      March, April and May have worn on my last nerves, but not without moments of Joy, that far surpass the aches and pains of life.
      Grief forced me, to shift my thinking, helped me take my game to just the joy level! Ward will have been gone, ten years in July, and I truly never thought I would live through the first day, of finding him dead on the bathroom floor. Never would I believe that I could be typing my stories, in an upright position after watching them remove him in a body bag. Picking out a coffin, and seeing your first born child, is just too much. But I didn't unpack and live there. I promised his sweet self, that I would be OK, he was not to worry. So he could feel free to go where ever heaven and the universe had in store for him. He carries our love with him, and he lives with us still.
      Life is oh so precious, grief, pain, joy, all threaded together.
      I choose Joy in June, and all the months to follow.
      I think maybe its not so much about unpacking, but what you pack!!
      Enjoy the journey

Radiate or Drain

    While driving to an early morning mammogram appointment, I was talking out loud about, why do I make such early appointments? Bitching continued until I heard something on the radio, or CD that was playing, Radiate or Drain!! Stop what you are doing Bonnie, ( still talking out loud) where is paper and a pen, you will never remember this! Found napkin and pen, red light, write!! I had only been in the car about 5 minutes, and already beautiful things were happening, I just had to be aware.
My choice on that particular day, and all my days, are I get to decide how its going to go. I can send out light, or suck the air out of the room!! ( all this info just in going to the doctors office) ( my brain is a creature of its own!!) ( I amuse myself, at every turn)
   I have had a cold for two weeks, and here I was at the titty smasher place, hacking and coughing. I wonder if I should sit away from everyone, until I realized that the entire office was coughing more then I!!! Damn them, for spreading probably new germs!! Don't Drain Bonnie!!! I was sitting for an eternity ( its not easy to radiate in these places) when, as usual, someone wanted to share with me a story. I think, I must have the face of a receiver of information. This lovely lady, said " Can I tell you something?" ( my head was in a book) I certainly said, "Sure" She preceded to tell me, that while she was having her bosom jerked around, she saw a roach, which made her scared." she continued, " Well I was locked down in the machine, so I could not move, and I screamed." She was laughing, I think I may have smiled. I said, pretty dryly, " Iam from Florida, roaches don't scare me." She looked at me funny, ( not everyone gets me, that is OK!) I thanked her for the warning, I think she was telling me this, to warn me?? Then she coughed right in my face. It is never easy to radiate joy!! I quickly got up, to wash my face, and hands.
      The the little technician called my name, and preceded to try and take photos of my torpedoes. She kept saying one more, I missed ALL of this one side, or that side, or the middle. You have to realize, that my boob screwed down between plastic trays, spreads out to an extra large pizza!! It is always a good time. I then go to another waiting area, and see the doctor, whom I love. She tells me, that as large as my breast are, they are not dense. They are clean and perfect, and all woman know, that is the best news ever. This breast cancer, is no joke, get your mammogram done.
 I get in the car, drive home, and this feeling of gratefulness comes over me. The sky is so blue and the grass is so green, and I wonder if people see it? Humans are so wrapped up in the word busy, and "got to do this", do you see what is right in front of you? I think you can only radiate, if you see things. And in the same breathe, you are a drain when you fail to see, the truth, the love, the colors, the blessing, the laugh of a baby, a soft rain, talking to you mom everyday still!.
   I do know with the profound loss of a child, this ability to see is clouded. To the very depth of your being, intense sorrow, leaves you with nothing. At least that is what you think for so long, but it allows you to be still, and aware. Normal, that is gone, but your new normal still can shine or leak out all that is good, it is the same. Your choice, always your choice.
     I never stop missing my Ward, seriously every minute of everyday. I just know that he is proud of me, and laughs at me all the time. Often I think I can here him, " Mom you are the only person I know that would call their boobs, an extra large pizza!" and I smile, " So glad, I can still make you laugh kid!"
    Love Love Love

Live Color Fully-Kate Spade

     I heard through the systems that Kate Spade had sold her company to Coach? Kat, Kate, Katie, why? You have done such a good job, you have all the money you need, I don't want a Coach/Spade handbag. And I think its kinda a sell out?? Maybe you have maladies. I know how you feel.
    As of the last two months I have been under siege of ailments, and a Kate Spade bag lifted my spirits. My pink Kate earrings, are missing and my wheezing funk continues to bother me. Rethink, this deal, 2.5 billion dollars, you don't have to cave. AND right now, I am not in any condition to change. How can I live fully in color, without you. Tory Burch, I have not warmed up to. I wish I had my John Romaine purse from high school, that would help. It is the middle of May, and spring has been a beast of burden.
     Right now I have had a cough/cold, shit storm going on in my chest ,going on two weeks. Last night I dug out the old, hot vaporizer with Vicks and The Tent!! It had not been used since 2008, when the doctor community told us, we had to use cool mist on our kiddos.
     Well it worked, like a charm. Three bottles of cough syrup, allergy meds, inhaler and I think I may have turned a tiny, petite corner. ( I sit here sounding like a train whistle!) ( But Iam upright)
     Last moth it was all blood pressure, hip pain. This month sinus, cold kicking me flat.
     I have begun to look around my house, for something being off. I have not been sick since I left Fulton County schools, however my daughter is ground zero!! Middle school petri dish of living yuck. I had forgotten how sick teachers, stay, in school. Since retiring, I have been stomach bug, cold free, until this May. AND I am not conditioned, I am weak as a kitten, and don't think Satan doesn't know this!! Jump on me, when I am taking my blood pressure in every room of the house.
     Even Mothers Day was low key, like flat, no energy, and Hubs now has the "illness". DIL is sick, its fast and quick, jumping from host to host, with glee.
    I felt better this morning, and decided after I felt so sad about my purse situation, I would go buy some plants, living things to spruce up my house of horrors! I was strolling through the cool inside, and opened the doors to the flora and fauna, when humidity hit my lungs like a leach! I took a quick breath, and ran picking up three Hibiscus, three Lantana, and a coughing fit!

   Went back into the air filled building and straight to the car. Opened the trunk, a baby stroller!! WHAT..OK, back seat... opened the door, WHAT a baby car seat... now to the other side, I slide in the plants that are, at this point, a thorn in my side! I hate them, and I may leave them on the side of the road! Our lives have changed since our little Wyatt came into it. We are grandparents again, and its awesome. We happen to be a few years older, this go round. Which gives us time and wisdom to pass on, but the body is shot!! ( as my ortho doctor told me about my hip!) But I will continue to fight on,
LIVE COLOR FULLY! ( even though you know I just like black) I will not cave to Coach for any money, I will be well and healed and young in spirit for the month of JUNE!! Surely this curse of spring funk has had its way with me. Bring it on, you hot and humid days of Summer, I am ready and will be carrying an old purse!!