This IS Bull!!!

The last day in July, and its a hot one. Honestly, its sizzling!
My one and only daughter, Emma is home for a couple of weeks, before she returns to Auburn. We have so much fun together, thank the lord for adoption!!! After four, darling, precious boys, we adopted Emma from India. She came to us at ten months,my baby girl.
This Saturday morning, she was on an errand run with me. Bank, gas up the car, car wash, Home Goods, just tooling around!!! when she asked me if I wanted to see some pictures of what she has been studying this summer. Natch, I said "Shoe-er" I knew that she was in the second half of anatomy, bones, blood, I like that stuff. Little did I know, that she was dissecting Bull Balls!!! I almost wrecked the car, they blinded me. "I'm paying , how much money for you to look at these knockers?" Her degree is in Rehabilitation and Special Education, what does that have to do with bull testicles??? Somehow I think education, at all levels, needs to narrow the field. Maybe have courses that address your needs for your future?? She also learned all the muscles in a cat, COME ON!!!! We both were laughing, and looking, and laughing and LOOKING!!! Maybe the lesson was to learn to pay attention!! The photo had our attention, and that's no bull!!!
Emma has one year left at college, and we will have sent five children through college. She is the only one of my kids, who took pictures!!!!!

Christmas In July!!!

This summer has been Hot!!and coming from this Florida Gal means, its been a scorcher!!!
So what to do, to stay cool???
I think I need a Christmas Tree up!!! Nothing big, just some lights and ornaments. Maybe some Christmas Music humming through the house!!!!
I'm not kidding!! I'm headed to Hobby Holly Lobby Hobby, whatever the name of that store is?? in a minute. They have all their Christmas decos up, and I'm on a mission. Now if I can just get to and from the place in this heat!!!
I was reading in one of , my Bill's magazines, Princeton Alumni Weekly,(you KNOW that mag is not coming addressed to me!!!) about some experiments, that support my need for Christmas in July!!!
A neuroscientist blindfolded his students and ran MRIs on the brain, having them hold objects, using only the sense of touch. Then he took off the blindfold off and did MRIs on how the brain processed the same objects, by using the visual senses. They are still in the research stages but...they think that in order to understand something we need to SEE it!!! They are preaching to the visual learner here!!! If someone from Princeton says, that maybe seeing a Christmas Tree will help me feel cooler(notice how I twist things to fit my liking!!! It's a gift!!!) I listen and look for my car keys!!! I think I feel a cool breeze just thinking about it, and detect a faint smell of pine!!!

Pound Cakes

July continues to churn along, and my birthday is coming up!!! So I decided to make me a cake. A Buttermilk Pound Cake!!! I wish, you, the reader could smell my kitchen right now. It smells like momma's house on Kenmore Street. It smells like a million calories!!!! It smells like butter and sugar and lemon and vanilla, are dripping off the walls!!!
My birthday is a few days away, but I have been known to celebrate for AT LEAST!! July and August.
I wish that I had delayed my taste test, until the cake cooled, but delayed gratification is not one of my strong points!!hence the early birthday cake!!!
I had been reading, The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake, about this young girl who can taste her mothers emotions in her cake. I began to wonder about all the cakes my mom has made over the years, and what she put into them, besides ingredients. I know there was love thrown in, maybe some loneliness, what ifs, secret wishes???
My pound cake would taste like, happiness, that I have the time to cook from scratch, in the summer. There are some tears among the batter, and blessings for so many good years on this earth. Plus a big laugh, into the bowl, because I make myself laugh!!!! The buttermilk spilled, the dog is licking it up, and me stroking my turquoise Kitchen Aid mixer, since I have not see her in awhile!!!! You can smell the joy in my kitchen, Happy birthday to me!!!!!

My Sister, Trudy Babe

My sister, Trudy, died five years ago.
She is never far from thought.
My relationship with her, was different, but I don't know how different.
Sisters are probably a complicated bunch. Women in general, struggle to understand each other.
Sisters often don't even try.
Trudy Bell and I were close in age, but light-years apart in everything.
We loved each other unconditionally, but the dots never connected.
How do you share a bedroom with someone, all your life and remain unknown to each other?
I loved dolls, and she didn't. I colored, not Trudy! I read books, I don't think she liked books, I don't remember her playing? I do remember her laugh, which was contagious, and her crying jags. She could cry at movies like it was the end of time.
My dad would say Trudy was simple, and she was. She was forced to be simple, because all the rest of us were WAY not simple!!!! Trudy floated along with all of us, on the periphery. She was between Me and Benjie, not an easy place to be!!! I think she enjoyed us, I hope so.
Heartache would follow Trudy Lea all of her life, in many forms.
Complications from diabetes, would take her life, before we were ready.
At her funeral, which was a joy!!!!! yes a JOY!!!, before they closed the coffin, all of us surrounded her, and my mom said, "Trudy, it was a privilege to be your mom"
I thought that was the ultimate show of love, and I repeat it today, "Trudy it is still a privilege to be your sister, and I love you everyday and forever, and don't start crying!!!!"

Out of Chaos Comes Order???

Atlanta paper this morning, front page of the Living section, comes this article.
How did they know about my rotating pieces of furniture? How did they know I spent twenty minutes this morning looking for some photos, that I never found?? I want to be a tiny bit more organized, I just don't want to lose my style!!!while trying to control the clutter.
They called unsightly clutter, socially acceptable forms of sloppy!!!! Sloppy, I'm not!!! a gather-er-er of piles, maybe!! I have been known to buy antique photos of strangers, I feel terrible that they have no home. Some I have framed in my foyer, who could not want a picture of this precious baby, it came home with me!!! I hope one day, someone picks up one of our photos and takes it home. I use to have them spread all over a coffee table, before another rotation!!! I need some clutter, and chaos, it lets me know I'm in the land of the living!!!!

One of the first rules, this article would have you follow, is to remove all the "things" on your fridge. NO!!! what a horror it is to go in people's houses and see, cold stainless steel fridges with not even a magnet!!! No bulletin board with special notes pinned to it!!! I want to see a house that is lived in. They even suggested to "let go" of the artwork, heaven help these people!!! At one point in my life my entire double garage was covered with my children's art work, it was a masterpiece. Then the second thing they mentioned was cleaning out "the junk drawer"!!! Remove, sort, streamline, bad,bad words. I have three kitchen junk drawers and I know what junk goes in each one!!! Of course they talked about closets, if you haven't worn something in three years, blah, blah, blah. I have my Aunt Adah's fur coat, next to my mom's wedding dress, behind the shawl that Miss Scott made me when I was five!!!! There is nothing simple about simplifying. Instead I will rearrange things, and know that this house has been and is filled with love. Who needs order???

A Hot Mess!!!

Moving furniture around and around, on a ship that is going down!!!!
I am one of the lucky people who have cleaning help, I think that is the politically correct way to refer to them???? I call them family!!! They know which drawer my underwear is in, AND how I like to leave ALL my stuff out in the bathroom, makeup, jewelry, the works. Don't put it away, I want to see it!!!! I love them, love, love, love. All my married life, I have had help, TYJ(Thank you Jesus) I actually like to clean, but it got in the way of taking care of my babies. I wanted to be with my children, instead of just in the same house with them. Granted, there were many mouths to feed, cooking requires a huge chunk of mom's around the world, and washing clothes!! I was lucky to have some idle??time to just be!!!! Now I have a bit more idle time, so here I go, moving furniture and throwing stuff away, and the mess grows!!! While my, angel help, were here yesterday, I retreated to the basement!!!! and decided things just did not look right!!! The more I moved the couches, the pictures on the wall were off center. In fact, all was off center. I needed to move the TV, but its too heavy, and if I wait for Real..Family, my mood will have passed. I twisted and turned, everything!!! It is a hot mess, its not right!!! So I walked away, to think about my plan. The plan is in my head, I hope it doesn't stay there!!!
I meander upstairs to a clean, upper two levels of my house. My people, ask what all the noise was downstairs, and should they go clean the basement??? I hug them, and say "no", I have a plan. They smile, they know me, and they run out of my house. There is great joy in a clean house, and a messy one!!!! NOTE****picture is just a random picture, not my basement, YET!!!

Length and Width!!!

I think this quote was from a June magazine, but I will post it in July. Since this is the month, I have been reaching for Joy.

"I don't want to get to the end of my life
and find that I lived just the length of it.
I want to have lived the width of it as well."
-Diane Ackerman

I love this, we have to live with intention every day, even if some "yuck" has descended into your space. I think, more important, we should pay attention.
With the summers off, I like to flit through all my photographs, and discover my width!!! The big "w" comes from being surrounded by so many aunties!!! On both my mother and father's side of the family, my aunts were characters, and ahead of their time. I adore them all, of what they added to my life, and continue to give me. There was Adah, and Gail, Frances, Peggy, Sarah, Eleanor, Kit, Ruby, Essie, Lucille, Murial Lee, and Nellie. All were my great aunts, except Gail and Adah. They cooked, and danced and prayed and sang. I would hang on every word, I think I knew, how lucky I was to be in the company of strong women. With their strength, came great weakness also. Yes, they had demons, some overcame them, and some succumbed. Still, lessons in all. Every picture tells a story, we have to study the length and the width!!!

Books in July, Again!!!!

!!!Funk has lifted, now the humidity is sucking the juice out of me!!! Time to read some books.
Started T.C. Boyle's, The Women, in Chicago. Can not get enough of Frank Lloyd Wright, honestly!!! People fascinate me.
The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake, by Aimee Bender, have a slice.
Sloane Crosley's new book, How Did You Get This Number, charming, intimate.
But my big surprise came from the New York Times Bestseller, Sh*t My Dad Says, by Justin Halpern. Hilarious!!!! Seldom does a book, make me howl with laughter, and curse my brothers at the same time. You see we have said for years, that we needed to write down what my father has said to us, or others, or about others!. Now this young Justin has a book about his dad's ability to not mince words!!! Really, did his dad ever ask his date, if he had ever seen a dog shit a peach pit!!! or better yet...would one of my dates like to go to the back room, to watch us lance a boil on my brothers leg!!!!!or tell the policeman, in his underwear, that they could keep me, he was going back to bed!!!( long story, we were throwing eggs, and I was just riding in the car???!!!). We should have a book deal, Homerisms!!! Maybe all families could write a book, I happen to think ours would be a best seller!!! Read Justin Halpern's book, it is just too funny to miss, or call my dad!!!

Books in July

What's a Funk?

Today is Friday, and I have been in a "funk" all week.
Returning from vacation and back to reality, my transition has been slower than the turtles in the gulf!!!!
I planted some new flowers, read some good books, and still blah!!! I have even embraced the doldrums, still funky.
Grief or funk??? I have to pull myself up out of this mess. Its this time of year, that I start to get nervous about summer ending!!!! Panic starts to creep in. How many days until I go back to work??? I don't want to waste a minute!!! and this week, a few minutes slipped by.
I was reminded this week, how much I like old photos. Mom sent me one of my great grandparents, and it is a jewel. I bet Big Mama, never had any days off to be in a funk!!! Big Papa was a barber, and Big Mama had babies, three are in the photo. My aunt Essie, Lucille, and Ruby. There were many more babies to come!!! I'm going to stop complaining RIGHT NOW!!!! Thanks for the photo mom, it spoke volumes!!!!!

Two Blocks In Any Direction!!!!!

It was so nice in Oak Park, to walk everywhere. Two blocks in any direction, I could be happy!!
One morning we walked to the local farmer's market, to buy some "Real" tomatoes for dinner. There were tables of berries, and squash. Mushrooms, and sauces, breads ready for the taking.
Flowers in bunches, to adorn any space. You could palpate the joy in the air. Donuts were being cooked, and eaten before they made it into the bag. Simple pleasures, and all within walking distance. What a wonderful way, to begin any morning.
Upon leaving with our arms full, there was a young girl playing a harp!!! COME ON!!! how many farmers markets can say that!!! It was classy, and quirky, and a cherry on the top, of a great morning. There was a little hop in our walk back to Jenny's condo. We all knew that the rest of the day, would be delightful, and it was.
Several times during the day, I thought back to the morning, and how easy everything felt.
If I could just bottle up, the smell and touch of a good tomato, and throw in a girl playing a harp, AND....a location where you can walk to everything?. Joy in July, may have come in the form of a mini vacation, but I'll take it!!!!

Billy Elliot and my Ward.

I know there must be a syndrome called, "Too Tired to Think!"
I have it, I feel like a stewed tomato!!
We just returned from a fantastic time in Chicago, with Bill's sister, Jenny.
What a place to see, touch and smell!! J's condo is in Oak Park, a couple of blocks from , Frank Lloyd Wrights studio and home. She is surrounded by homes that have history spilling out of the woodwork. Yards designed for Kings and Queens, could not compare. Places to dine with great chefs, and the smell of the "L" train, well....its all Chicago.

We did many things, that I hope a blog, or two will emerge in the next few days, IF the mush in my brain settles!!!
(lost luggage, LONGGGGGG delays and hours at the airport, causes mush!!!)
One thing I will try and put down, pen to paper, ok...type, is the play, Billy Elliot. Never have I enjoyed a musical as much, and I have seen many!!! Wicked has held number one for a long time, until Billy came to momma!!!!! A joy, a celebration of being true to yourself and TAP DANCING!!!!!!Tap dancing, is the end all, be all, wonder of the world. I need some tap shoes!!!!
Music by Elton John, a labor of love. There was one song that tore my heart OUT, it was called Dear Billy, it was a letter from his deceased mother, telling him that she loved him. Then there was a second letter of Billy writing a letter to her, to let her know he was doing good.
With the anniversary of , my son Ward's death, today, the lyrics touched me. So on this day, three years after my heart stopped, I share with you Billy's letter from his mom. I felt like these are some of the things I will say to Ward today.

Dear Billy,
I must seem a distant memory
Which is probably a good thing
And it will have been a long, long time
And I will have missed you growing
And I'll have missed you crying
And I'll have missed you laugh

Missed your stamping and your shouting
I have missed telling you off
But please, Billy, know that I was always there
I was with you through everything

And please, Billy, know that I will always be
Proud to have known you
Proud that you were mine
Proud in everything
And you must promise me this, Billy
In everything you do
Always be yourself, Billy
And you always will be true
Love you forever
Love you forever

Mam

Joy is, Brian Andreas

Reflecting on Ward, this time of the year, reminds me of friends.
We received so many cards, flowers and unusual sympathy gifts, that I needed to chat about a few.
There were donations to Ward's college, the animal hospital where he was employed. The library received money in his name, for art books, and books about health. One of my dear friends, had masses said in Ward's name for an entire year. People took his photo to Israel, Chicago, Costa Rico, and left it there . His name and face, seen all over the world. We had bracelets make every year, to remember him being with us, on earth. These rubber bracelets are everywhere!!!!Maybe someone over in Korea is wearing my son's name, makes me happy. We had Ward's artwork framed and given to people, and continue to do all of these things, in honor of his precious life.

One gift I received , I pass everyday on our hall, reading each one. Matt Rogers, and his partner Bill gave me seven Brian Andreas signed prints, all having to do with loss and love. It was touching that so much thought had been put into a sympathy gift. Also that , my Matt, knows me so well.

I love Brian Andreas. He brings me, abundant Joy.All of his books, are worn thin, from my touch.
His drawings amuse me, and makes me know that my scattered thoughts are shared by others.

The loss is not yours
alone, she said & you will
see it in their eyes
when they do not think you are watching.

How long does it take?
I said & she put
her hand on my chest
& we did not speak.

stand still-by Brian Andreas

you know I love anyone who uses lower-case words and &(and) signs, in their little poems and stories.

Joy is in giving and receiving, at any time.

"Show" Food!!!

When Ward died, I could not complete, or often try, everyday tasks. One of them, was going to the grocery store. I guess, like all moms, I associated buying food and cooking for my family, a nurturing responsibility. My child had died and somewhere in my brain, I could not nurture anyone else again. So I stopped going to the store, along with not caring what my family or I ate.
Thank God Bill took over, and Hart soon came home to live with us for a year.
They took care of me, until I had the strength to take care of them.
Eventually I would have to come back to the land of the living. Nearly two years would pass before,
I ventured into a store by myself. I still don't like to go to Kroger, our main store without someone.
Sounds strange, yes, but the death of your child is not normal, so everything is strange.
This July finds me able to go and not see everything that Ward would eat as a child. I have even found ways to make shopping a little more entertaining, and healing. I buy, "show food"!! Food that I just display. I'm not wasting it!!! it is a tool to make me feel better, and learn to love to cook and feed my family again. I keep muffins, or cakes or cookies, under a glass cake plate. Bananas and oranges, and apples, all out. In neat baskets, and on the counter, bringing me joy, and teaching me, that I will be OK.
This Saturday, I went with Bill to shop, and it was not horrible!!!! We were in the produce section and I saw the most darling Clementines, and I said,"Oh we have to get these?" Bill said, "Do you eat these?" "NO, its show food!!!" As long as we can laugh, we can nurture.
****Note, I did buy some Old Spice body soap for Ward's bathroom, Bill looked at me funny. Sad-like eyes, until I chirped up and said, " He would love that I remembered his soap!!!!"We put it in his shower, July is a hard month.

July Joy Continues, and It's not easy!!!!

Finding joy is hard work, sometimes its easier to stop looking.
Not so hard, when you have beautiful flowers, cut from your yard.
A summer vase to put them in, and a strategic placement!! All humans hang in the kitchen.

I strive to find joy in July, to help me in my journey through grief.
Its a work in progress.
While sharing my moments of joy, I need to tell my story of grief also. That is why I began this blog, to give my sorrow words. In doing so, I find that grief is not my only story. So my ramblings continue.

Last weekend, while reading the Parade Magazine, in Sunday's paper. There was an article, by Willie Nelson ,"Rednecks, hippies, misfits, we're all the same" Made me smile, but the hidden jewel in the article, was a line that read, I've been used to doing things my own way for so long that I'm not interested in any suggestions!!! My smile became huge!!! After a certain age, the door to suggestions is closed!!! Now I am NOT near to Mr. Nelson's age, but I do so understand him. My father would tell you, that I have never been OPEN to suggestions!!! May be another way to say,"hard-headed??? Head-strong?? whatever....Willie and I are on the same page, and that is JOY!!!again.

Grief gobbles up my joy, its a pressure cooker, and I need to release the pressure to heal.
Grief that does not speak, bids the heart to break-Shakespeare
Joy and Grief, wrap around me, and both make me whole.

Joy In The Morning

I know there is a bible verse that says, joy comes in the morning, but quoting scripture escapes me at this time. So much like the rest of my life, I remember "parts of" things.
One morning, this week, I was washing a few dishes and looked out into our porch. There was Lucy the lab, and crazy Diana, our cat having a tranquil, summer morning. I needed my camera, and quickly. Our animals, do not enjoy a good photo op. This morning I was lucky, they did not move. Early morning sounds and smells, had lulled them into being sweet to each other. I had a Kodak moment and it shaped the rest of my day.
To me, finding joy in the simple things, creates big joys.
Life is hard, and you have to recognize the joys, when they appear.
National Geographic will not be contacting me for my animal photos, but look at these angels!!!
We three stayed on the porch, for a spell, it was summer at its finest.
Mark Twain said, " To get the full value of joy, You must have someone to divide it with."
So I'm passing it on.