Hand Me The Clicker!!!!

OK, so it may be called a remote!!! Give it over to me!!!
No more news programs, they are choking me.
Anderson Cooper, we need a trial separation, divorce pending!!!

Reasons to Click off!!!
1. Two wars-no weapons of mass destruction, send our boys home.
2. Catholic church-predatory pedophilia, light a candle.
3. John Edwards-his baby momma and lack of character, HATE!!!!
4. Michael Jackson-don't care what face cream they found at his estate, or what color he wanted to be.
5.Tea bag people-merciless, pot stirrers!!! brew up some common sense.
6.President Obama-stay in the White House more, be a good listener and don't disappoint me!!

7.Sarah Palin-charming cobra, enough
8.Kate Gosselin and anything about her family-pretentious, pitiful humans
9. Recently man on plane with exotic birds strapped to his legs-GAWD!!! so much for airport security.
AND ..
10. Dutch nurses' union: Care does not include sex. REALLY!!! Members say some patients claimed sexual services should be standard. Put that in the health bill!!!! You cannot make this stuff up!!!!!(msnbc.com)

So I am taking a much needed break from the insanity. At least make a grand attempt to, curb my appetite, for information!!!!!

I do know, Anderson Cooper, where ever you may be broadcasting from, Afghanistan or Haiti, I will be pinning for you.
After all , you are only a "click" away!!!!!

PULL OVER, I want to see!!!!!

True confessions. I like to look at car wrecks. My preference is to pull over and get out of the car. My job of choice is the emergency room, at the county hospital.

So on this most holy week, what am I drawn to watch on the "telly"? A documentary/drama about , The Manson Murders!!! You could not pry be away from the reenactment of blood and mayhem. My son Hart asked, "Mom why do you watch this stuff"? " Your sweet momma is a car wreck watching person!!!"

This is not easy to explain, but these murders, have haunted me. They were a big event in my youthful mind. Charles Manson scares the be-Jesus out of me, then and now. My girlfriends and I read everything about "The Ranch", and his followers. The mystery of why these kids would follow this charming leprechaun of a man, or monster??They were all about our age, when love was in the air. What happened? Drugs, fear of this little man, low self esteem?? No clue, to this horror. You just brutally murder people because this loser tells you to??
So I watch, and pull over to the side of the road, looking at the gore, hoping for a miracle, knowing that there was none. Lost people, doing really bad things.

It could be time for a change of habits, at least the day before Palm Sunday!!!!

PAY ATTENTION and pass the antihistamine!!

The emptiness of winter has lifted!!! My COMA lull is fading. Eyes are red and swollen and wheezing has begun, THANK YOU JESUS!!!! it's Spring.

Spring commands my attention. It reminds me to "Look" at everything in a new way.



There are so many things in the world, that suck the life out of you,( like Republicans) that Spring is a welcome diversion from the news. Fear and Dread over a health bill, that is LOOOONNNGGGGG....overdue. I have to hit the mute button on the TV, delete,delete, delete all the fanatics on facebook, and pull the plug on the tweeters!!!! Is the bill perfect, of course not. Is it a start in the right direction, can you repeat that question??? Of course it is!!!!!



How did I go from Spring to Health Bill?? I'm loaded up on sinus meds, and staring at the beautiful pear trees in front of my house, and...answers started flowing. I will stop giving the news my attention, and pay attention to this stunning spring day!! I feel better already.

SPRING, Merci beau coup!!!!

Pear trees are blooming, daffodils are scattered about, winter is going to take a nap!!! I hope. This has been a long, cold winter to this southern gal. Atlanta in the spring is something to behold.

I was meandering around the yard, to look at all the "new growth". Hydrangea's budding, Peonies sneaking up, and my Camellia bushes were putting on a show!!! Luscious queens, topping my list of favorite flower.

As a young girl, growing up on Kenmore Street, our neighbor Mrs. Tutt had a "gi-normous " Camilla TREE, in front of her house. I thought they must be wealthy, to have such a jewel. She guarded those Camellia's from the neighborhood hooligans. We were just kids, playing hide and seek, what better place to hide, than inside the Camellia bush. Every once in awhile, I would drum up the courage, to ask if I could have a new bloom. She declined, but said I could take whatever I wanted from the ground. If you were quick, and had "hawk eyes" you would see the bloom when it first fell to the ground, THOSE WERE MINE!!!! They were like red and pink pillows, that were beds for my dolls, and ornaments for my hair. Sometimes, I would just hold them, in awe, they were royal. Mrs. Tutt's Camellia Tree, is beautifully etched in my memory.
My Camellia bushes, not so much!!! However this year, they surprised me, and bloomed in honor of Mrs. Tutt and my childhood. Their ruffled, plump pose, signaling winter is over and letting me know, " You can cut the new blossoms, Bonnie, this is your Camellia bush!!!" Merci beau coup, Mrs. Tutt.

Felting Matilda!!!

Another grief tool, Felting!!! (thanks Andy J.) Yes, people felt all the time, without grief pushing them through it. For me, a fun hobby, that does not require sewing.

Buying wool roving, in charming, rich colors. Crafting all sizes of balls. Making balls, ball after ball, tiny or large, they fascinate me. Repetition , molding and sticking a needle in something, cathartic. Wool Therapy,and no bill from a shrink.



I may not have learned to sew, but I covet yarn , fabric and all things associated with sewing. Lolling through fabric stores, is entertaining. Stacks of remnant upholstery fabric, may need a new home. I love the smell, the colors, and touching!!!!thrills me. Buttons and ribbon send me to La-La land. One of my friends asked me what I was knitting, because of baskets full of yarn in my house. "No, I don't knit, I just roll the yarn into balls!!" Wool therapy, whatever works!!!, I may need to see a doctor about my obsession with balls??? NAH!!!!

Sedaris Family, a Black Lab and Ear Plugs!!!

All my weeks are just different degrees of grief and this week, was ...not so good.
My heart was hurting, or my chest, or maybe my left arm and back? So I went to see if I was "checking out". Grief and anxiety are great friends, I just hate it when they show up together. The doctor thinks that maybe, I have arthritis in my neck, had a few x-rays. EKG was normal, good blood pressure , so I see her in two weeks. I wish there was an instant cure, for missing my child.

I do know some of the miracles that have helped me, during these past, almost three years.

Reading David Seadris books and articles ( thanks Jamie), having a fairy wand from Amy Sedaris (thanks Maria), a black lab, named Lucy Mae(thanks Bill for walking her so much) ( thank you Hart and Emma for loving her up!!!), and Ear Plugs ( thanks cuz-Leigh-Leigh!!)(and face masks, cute ones).

These things helped me live, not the 63 grief books that I have consumed!!! I did not want to read about the phases of grief, I needed HELP, and still do.

The above miracles were just a few, I have had many.
The ear plugs helped calm me, by shutting down the noise. My mind was still spinning, but it was quiet. I did not want to hear the ambulance come take my child away. Also if I didnt hear anything, maybe I would not miss , not hearing Ward's voice. I could hear my own heartbeat, and at the momemt of acute loss and grief, it was a comfort.

Reading Amy Sedaris cook book makes me scream, and her brother David Sedaris sends me into fits of laughter. They were my grief books. Laughter has kept me alive.

A new puppy, two years ago, kept me busy. Lucy healed my family. She continues to teach us.

Yes this week has been hard, but between good doctors, good friends and a loving family, I will be ok. Those were the first words that I told Ward, when we found him laying on the bathroom floor, dead. " I will be OK Ward, it's OK, it's OK, I will be OK", I was worried that he would be so worried about me. I'm trying Ward, don't worry. I keep getting miracles.

Now if I can just keep the cats away from my ear plugs!!!

Take it to Grace.

Grace is the ladies name, at the tailor place. I think? That's what I call her. I'm not sure of the name on the outside of the building, but my family knows who Grace is.

My family knows, we need Grace. She sews for us. Hems pants and skirts, and put in zippers. Sews buttons on, and alters prom gowns. She is a tailor. I like to call her, our tailor.

Grace sews for me, because I am a sew-tard. I cannot thread a needle, and do not want to!
You see my mom, made our clothes. She smocked , and darned , hemmed and trimmed. Cut out patterns and pinned. Sweet Jesus! we did not EVER touch her scissors. Mom was our personal seamstress, and I want her back!!!

Now I have tried to sew, just ask my kids. Once Emma had a patch that needed to be attached to her Indian Princess vest. After about three hours, and blood dripping from my thumb, I looked at the package that the patch had come out of, to see why this had been such a difficult task!!!! IT WAS AN IRON-ON PATCH!!!! I have stapled curtain hems, and craft glued some!! For years now I just say"Take it to Grace". I had to throw in my shears!!! Give up the pin cushion and thread, and admit defeat.

My sister and I never learned to sew, we didn't have to. Mom did it too well. So we let her!!!!
There are many fond memories I have ,of dresses that I loved. Many memories of mom and her machine, dressing her four.

Note-The above Easter photo of Me and my siblings. Mom had dressed us all!!!! She even made me a COAT!!! I loved that outfit!!!!

"You teach best what you most need to learn."

Our school system is about to go under. No money to educate children. WOW, now there is a concept!!! Make sure that undereducated child doesn't get a wild hair and want to become a doctor! Who needs doctors? and any dumb one can operate on you, right?? Crazy stuff!!!

There is a buzz at my school, a creepy, sneaky Hummm....of who may get the ax!!! Toxic building alert, fear around every corner. Who can blame people?

It makes my quest to find Joy a little more difficult, but find it I did. Everyday, joy finds me. A week ago, snow hit hot-lanta, AGAIN this winter. I began the day, cold and angry at the weather, when in comes running our new Haitian Student. He runs at me, with eyes, as wide as saucers, hugs me, and I know. He had never seen snow before, and I was witnessing the miracle of seeing something for the first time. He knows very little English, no words necessary.

Same week, an Asian 6th grade student, stands tall and begins to tell us about his weekend. His family is only here for a year and they want the full tilt experience of The States. His Journal entry was about"Nascar"in Georgia! He got an eye-full of Southern Americana!!! He may never be the same. The words he chose to describe the people, was ??well, let's just say there was a vivid picture!! Another wide-eyed youth, learning and excited to share.

Yesterday, during 8th period, one of our 8th grade Korean boys, decided singing "Bye, Bye Miss American Pie" was a much needed part of our lesson. I agreed and began to sing. A moment to teach, and share, and laugh and love, and learn.

They may cut the budget, but I will find the Joy. The powers that be, have a lesson to learn.

Need Prayer? Next right!!

I do not know exactly where Snellville is, but I'm going to find out.

A few weeks ago, in the Atlanta Journal Constitution paper, I howled at this article.
Faith and Values, find meaning in your community.
Drive-through prayer!!! YES, no fast food, just a prayer window.

Volunteer congregation members listen and pray with you, while your car is running.

This is awesome, Need a Pray, turn right!!! signs directing you to a willing person, a stranger to pray with you. I welcome anyone who even thinks that they have a connection with "G"
The catholics have been doing it for years, in a booth.
My only complaint, is that it is only four times a year.
My search continues for my daily praying to improve, I will add this to my plan. In between meditation, Mala beads, The Rosary, and "pure Jesus Praying", Drive-through praying seems like a "Must Do!!!"

You cannot make this stuff up, there is always JOY!!!!! Keep praying!!!

Tippi Hedren is Smiling!!!

The Birds!! have returned for Spring. At last, I hear a song, giving me hope.

When a person suffers the loss of a child, you grasp for anything to keep you in the game, called life. It is a daily struggle, sometimes hourly, but live you do. You look for anything that will take you to a different thought, and chirping birds does it for me. So many things bring me joy, I'm so grateful to still be able to see joy. More grateful to see Joy in the everyday happenings around me. Right now, the choir of birds, lets me know, I'm OK. These little creatures, flitting around, unaware of their healing powers. Precious voices of nature, announcing that warm weather is coming!!!!! Reminding me to be still, and listen.

Faith
is the bird
that feels the light
and sings
when the dawn
is still dark
__Rabindranath Tagore

Reaching for WHAT????

Just finished reading Devotion, a memoir, by Dani Shapiro.
She writes about plunging into the "afternoon" of her life. Still looking for meaning. The book has been called a literary excavation to the core of a life. I love that! Excavation to the core!! Isn't that what we all are doing? I'm not so sure?
I think its all about "the search". I stay on a path of reaching for something. Reaching for what, may be the real question. It certainly was nice to read a book, that was saying what I was thinking. Somebody else had more questions than answers.

How does the fabric of our lives, unravel without us knowing about it. How do I pray? and to whom? Faith requires enormous effort, do I have the strength? Does your belief system comfort you or choke the hell out of you?

These are some of her questions, that happen to be mine also. This is a book for people who pray, and a book for people who have no idea why people pray. Its about peace and happiness, found in yourself. Your center, your courage to ask the BIG questions, about death, love, surrender. Anne Lamott, Elizabeth Gilbert and others wrote these wonderful words about this book.

My words are simple, it is very nice to read a book, so alive with hope. Filled with a raw honesty, of life, with all its heartaches and joys. We are all more connected and similar than we are different. Devotion, says it all.

At Easter let your clothes be new, Or else be sure you will it rue.

Recently while sifting through the truckloads of catalogs, I thought there were a lot of fancy, dressy clothes. Why all the pastel, frilly dresses for spring, I pondered. The white patten shoes were blinding my eyes, when I had an igno moment!!(ignoramus!!!) My god, its Easter clothes. People still buy Easter clothes?? Their Ba-bas dressed to the teeth. I think I even saw a pair of gloves!!! Lilac, I want a pair. In fact I want Easter clothes. I miss them.

Never in a trillion years did I think I would say those words, much less put it in print for my mom to see!!! All my young life, I was coiffed, and pinched into my Easter Frock. Only the biggest crinoline would do. Everything itched!! There was even elastic on the hats, to keep them on the head!! The purses were to die for. Just big enough to hold, a stick of gum and your dime for the offering plate. Everything shined and sparkled and was NEW!!! but they all itched. No one should have to sit in a crinoline, but I did like to walk in them. Even as a little girl, I could strut a crinoline.

People don't dress for church anymore!!! In fact we use to dress to go to the movies!!! No more, its shameful. I'm thinking those Lilac gloves, are just the beginning of my Easter parade!!

***The little girl in the above photo, was miserable, but she loved that stuffed animal. She also was working those shoes!!!!