I Have Endured A Cornucopia Of Trauma

 Schitts Creek keeps on giving, thank you Moira Rose. ( above title to my blog)

I truly don't think I have had a lot of trauma, but then I remember, yes I have. The end of your life, kind of pain at the loss of a child. However....I believe the Cornucopia of trauma that MR speaks of is everyday

stress that we turn into bad things. Covid, lack of vaccinations, cold weather, January, that is what Moira is talking about. As my friend VB would say, " Girl your burden is huge!!"

January brings with it a magnet of gloom, and the political climate with all her grievances, weigh down my soul!!! Fear seeks in every corner, and that makes my job of finding joy, so much harder. I will not stop looking.

  Yesterday morning, as I was telling mom, I was so happy to find a new razor, and toothbrushes!! It was thrilling. Then after my bath, I sprayed on my perfume from Paris, and I paused with a grateful heart, where this smell took me. I read my 7 books of devotions, a few pages in each, and the sun was out. Surly I could not find anything to whine about??? I was on a mission of positive thoughts.

I go to the dermatologist to have my, Florida baby oil, skin cancer mole removed. The office was on point, triage out in the hall, wide space between three other people, and quick removal!! The doctor told me I was smart to get this mole looked at, I reminded him I was from Florida, we know our moles, and lack of sunscreen our entire life!!!

I was in and out in less than 10 minutes, happy, happy, joy, joy. ( no, I don't know if it is skin cancers, they save that for later)

Radio blaring, I make a note to tell Emma, I miss our road trips, and sing-a-longs.

I return to my home, and see the card on my desk, that I need to write. A sympathy card for a friend, who just lost her daughter, in her early thirties. Damn Cornucopia, real stuff. I wish I had words to tell her, that it will get easier on some days, but then I would have to say, some are just raw like January.

Maybe I will tell her, shock is her friend, and just lay with your grief, it will become a part of your being. I would also say, parent her memory, we never stop being their parents.

I was still sitting, 20 minutes later, I can not write it yet.

Maybe when I finish with you readers, I will, no promises, traumas lurk.

So on that day, my positive day, again talking to Mary mom, I told her my song of the morning wake up call, was Dancing Cheek to Cheek. I told her of an idea I had, that maybe they have Fred Astaire people that you could rent? ( Good idea, right??) ( or is that an escort service) Anyhow, I just danced with myself, on the hardwood floors, with socks on, pretending someone named Fred had a firm hand on my back telling me where to go. ( think Dr. B, hubby was at the grocery store!!) ( he is a saint but..) ( I needed Fred)

The day was lovely, my Moira came through, all dressed up and filled with crazy words, to get me through the day. AND an hour of Sam Cooke helped ease me on down that positive road.

whatever it takes.

Good food, music, Jesus, my cup is full and I am blessed with a cute cup to drink from.

Namaste and Hallelujah !!!!

This Time Next Year We'll Be Laughing by Jacqueline Winspear

Well the time for laughing is now, and its hard to come by. 2021 is here along with last years baggage.

It will take time, work, and more work and prayers beyond my beads!! 

So far the Christmas decos are down, to the tunes of Tracy Chapman, which was a listening pleasure.

The dust under all the decorations, sent me to grab an inhaler. Wheezing from Christmas dust, God did not think this through. Baby Jesus birthday should be in summer, with the AC humming.

I like to leave a little bit of Christmas up, in case of emergencies. This year a little tiny bottle brush tree made the cut, and a darling white feather owl ornament. Sometimes, a person just needs to be reminded of the manger!! The spirit of Christmas, does not all need to be boxed up. It took me five days, and a sore back, to put this holiday away. I feel lonely without the lights, but....I like the clean, semi less clutter of the hoopla. Once the paper and bows, are off!! Done and Done.

We all had a lovely holiday, small and funny. It always helps to have a little child around, to make it so.

Our Wyatt, age 4, opened everyone's gifts and loved them all!!!

I like my gifts from my husband, that I buy every year. Something I have done for forty years, after I got a robe that Big Mama would have worn. Also that same year, he gave me a book, that I was reading right in front of his eyes!! He has no problem with wrapping my gifts, and I thank him very much for his good taste. It works.

While cleaning under the pine boughs, I talked to Ward, his ashes are in a delightful clay jug/jar on the mantle. I reminded him, of how much we miss him, and caught him up on Baron family gossip. Kissed his container of love, and cursed the huge project of packing away memories, again.

My mom, had a great Christmas, a lot of presents and food, and love. She ventured downstairs to partake of the gathering, and I reminded her that I keep earplugs, in a drawer near me, if she needed to tune us out!! ( run on sentence is for James to correct) ( Your welcome, my fellow Jackson Graduate)

January are all of my grandsons birthdays, and my sweet sister Trudy Babe. Reasons to celebrate are plenty, and keep us going.

I celebrate each day, loving and living large.

Happy New Year, make it count.

And throw in some Tracy Chapman, a few Christmas decos, and a whole lotta love.

B

We Keep Trying To Square The Circle-John Avlon-2020

    People, this has been a year. As Dolly Parton has said, " I like to be Ambulance ready!!" (full make up to bed!!)

    I don't have that much to say, which may be a first. The holidays, are hard and the times are stirring the pot. 

    The election process, and one side is always so angry. I finally feel relief, when another may feel despair.

    People all over the world, are hurting from being sick with a new virus, to being sick from unemployment. Hunger, worry, Covid!! is hard to work your Ho, Ho, Ho around. 

    I have to confess, that I do not mind being house bound. I enjoy my husbands company and since March, my mothers company, she now lives with us. Now I also have to say, mom and I have not lived together in 50 some odd years, so we are learning how each of us are as adults. AND we are both old people. We feel good to know she is safe, and feed and sometimes amused, but it has been a big adjustment for all. The shoes are also on the others feet, I am the one telling her what she should be doing, I often feel like the mom, who says NO!!! Luckily we laugh and learn, and thank god for all our blessings, crazy antics and all!!

We both watched Sunday morning this am, with an interview with Paul McCartney. I had tears in my eyes (which is unusual, I don't cry) and mom said, " He still has IT, Bonnie." I smiled, because we both knew what It she was talking about. This 78 year old Beatle, had my heart at 11, and he still holds it with both hands on the guitar. There are no words, for me ever to explain The Beatles in my life, and probably none in mom's remembering them through my eyes. I wrote Paul a letter once, and told him, I would make him a good wife. I never mailed it, but remember every word. My love flowing onto the piece of lined paper, with childlike innocence, and almost teenager angst.

  Mom wondered, out loud, about his mother's feelings, and if she had a good pregnancy with this angel child. I told her, that was not on my mind AT ALL!! She was thinking about his mother, and my thoughts were, GOD he looks good for an old man, and I love him!!! 

 We are very different people, and we laugh.

    This book I am reading right now, Greenlights, by Matthew McConaughey is delightful. Eccentric, educated, philosophical, insane and just beautiful. In a Dazed and Confused way of Matthew. Alright, Alright, Alright. He has found out my living that, Travel and Humanity are his greatest educators.

During this past year, I have missed travel, and I am forever thankful for what travel has taught me.

All people should leave their comfort zone and travel, near and far. You do not know human beings until you see how people live, all over the world. It is a must do. So when we can travel again, by plane, train, boat or bus, Go somewhere new and soak up other cultures, food, and history. Also during all this isolation, even moderate homebound, Educators, and my belief in humanity have taught me soooooo much. Doctors, teachers, parents, friends, musicians, preachers, homeless people, artists, family, neighbors. This semi down time, not thinking about fear and horror, I have loved remembering all who have helped me be the best person, with room to grow.

  So I hope as this year ends, we do not look back with regret, but with lessons, and love and kindness to a year that taught us many things.

  The baby in the manger, is ours, we are his, all people are connected and family, and somehow maybe near to knowing Kevin Bacon!!

  Merry Christmas, keep the lights up a little longer and maybe stop trying to square the circle.

 

I Was Snow White, but....I Drifted...

The title of my blog on this December day is from, the anointed, Mae West. However I think I heard it repeated on a you tube talk by Charlie Mackesy.

This past week, I have listened and read everything I can locate about this man.

One of my dear friends, sent me his book, for the winter season of Covid. I hope you all have a copy, The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse. He, Mr. Charlie, is...….magic? Gifted, flawed, darling, wise, a character in a Dickens movie, a writer, an artist, kind, crass, a delight, he invites you in.

He was interviewed on The Sunday Morning program, last week, I think, or a couple of weeks ago, not a big deal when!! I fell in love with every hair on his head, every word that came out of his mouth, and his heart. In a matter of seconds, I needed to know more. Then during the week, one of buddies, said " Oh Bonnie needs to read this book!" and in my mail it was. I had ordered two for gifts, so maybe you will be on the receiving end also. Every human needs Charlie Mackesy. Go to You Tube, he has several little talks about himself and his lack of religion, only to find Jesus, latter in his life. He tells a tall tale about many things, his description of the Nativity, in real words, life changing. Did you know we were all invited to the nativity!!?? Well, we were, with the lowly shepherds, invited to his birth. We are so loved, who doesn't love to be loved?? We received the invitation to the birth of the baby, animal smells and all. Mary knew, she knew, we all wanted to be there.

Charlie, the boy, mole, fox, and horse, we are invited to sit with them. Hear their words, and pass it on.

I oscillate between depression and joy, on a daily basis. It is a tight rope, that I know others may be on, also.

My grandchildren, give me the most unbridled joy, in the simple act of being themselves.

I had a silly photo of Finn this week, wearing my Florida face gear I sent him, because his Uma, that's me, wants her babies to go to SEC schools!! Adrian called for Grandpa to help him with hard Science, knowing his Uma, will only do Literature, Art history, History, and Music!!!! I reminded this child, that he has the most beautiful hair and eyes, I have ever seen. Love my Boson Babies, and then there is Wyatt, love everything he does!! Good, Bad, wild, calm, I want to bottle up his energy, and remind him that he is perfect. I love all my children, but these grandchildren are straight up, wonderful!! Do they misbehave, heck yes, who doesn't, but they too were invited to the nativity!! They are loved, and pinched and patted, and rubbed, kissed and fill me with Joy.

Mr. Charlie, needs to write a book about them, or maybe just read my words.

Take a moment to watch things around you, pay attention, to good and bad. Be Rad!! ( thank you Maria)

Dance and sing to your hearts content, and fall out, if you need too.

Love wins, yesterday, tomorrow, and right this minute.

PSSSSSS....Do not read Lenny Kravitz book, not all who sing and look gorg, can write. God Bless him.

love,

b

I am Starved

Happy Thanksgiving Day, even though that was not a happy day for the Native Americans. I don't think there was peace or a piece shared.

We celebrate being thankful, and that should be an everyday motto, but here we are.

Cooking and eating, like we are headed to the electric chair!! The smells of Thanksgiving, are wonderful, so whom ever made up the holiday, I thank some part of you.

I have two things going in the oven, as I type, and that is not a good thing. I have two timers set, and the beloved is asking me about Zoom!!! Multi task like you raised five children, Bonnie. ( Now I'm talking to myself via the keys on the keyboard!) ( Do they have zoom shrinks? if needed??)

Last week, or not I saw something on TV about The Royal Ballet in London, putting on a ballet show. A one night gig, but they did it, and I was starving!!! I tape everything, just in case of these moments, I needed to watch this, thing of beauty, several times over. I called the doctor hubs in, come watch this with me, as I held my hand to my heart. Look at those point shoes, the leotards, the tulle, the fingers, the hand on her back, the legs, OH MY GOD!!!I am starving for the ballet!! The Opera, A concert, A play on Broadway or Atlanta!!!! I need art in many forms, and not for a snippet of time!! I need The Nutcracker, followed by Hamilton (original cast). I watched some of the turkey day parade on the telly this morn and I got HIGH!!! on people lip synching. (Going to go check the stove, hope this is still here when I get back) OK, needs five more minutes!!

When I was beginning to cook Thanksgiving yesterday, the smells in my house were delish, I was starving for warm, comfort, turkey food smells!!

I need to sit in a pew, at church, and hear the organ.( maybe the message also)

I miss friends, family and ordinary life.

BUT as I remind my brother on a daily basis, Adaptation!!

We learn to look at the broader picture, adapt to the year in which is still going. 

Extend your stroke of the paintbrush!!

Be happy and grateful, and give without ceasing.

The sun is shinning, my mother is doing pretty good, all this food is a blessing, and talking to you or this day, is awesome.

Damn, Alexia just told me to take out the pumpkin pudding, DONE!! Now uncover the dressing, and look at the turkey, and four more sides to cook. They are ready, I just have to throw them in!! and our Thanksgiving is small, five adults and one angel child.

I will leave you with one of my brothers everyday language quotes!! While watching football a couple of weeks back, he said, " That is a lot of beef on the hoof!" I fell over, I replied, " Is that your way of saying this guy is kinda large!!!" We are starving for laughter, and love people, change your day, and some other persons day. For that I am Thankful, Another Day. ( Benjie would say, you forgot to say above ground!!) 

Love

B    ( any mistakes are left in on purpose) ( like a puzzle for you to fix on this glorious day) ( You are welcome) ( Think like a Monk)

Pick Your Hard!! quote from my brother!!

  The election is almost over, or just beginning, I may be in purgatory.( thank you Marie S. Anderson)

I think Mr. Biden has won, but Mrs. Clinton had won also, but you didn't see her in the Big House either.

My PTSD election blues, are hard to shake.

 Joe Biden is calm, and older, and seasoned. He will be fine, and he is not Trump!! I admit it, my postman, could have been a write in, if necessary. The republican party has some fixing to do. They stood by this despot, and went along for the bad ferris wheel!!

I hope we, the democratic people who voted, will not disappoint you, the other half. I know you will have a sting of loss, a close loss, and its not fun. We are good people, who want good things for all people.

Some of us are even conservative swinging, and pro life people. ( ok, don't put me in with that group, but I do believe in the what works for you, is not my business!!) ( So I can listen to you, with an open mind and heart.

John Avalon, whom I may think is a hero, said, " Donald Trump would rather ruin, if he cant rule,"

Please don't unleash this hate that was stirred up, please put out your hand to shake.

I am not even sure at this minute, who will be president, I just need them to be The President of All People.

Now on a lighter note, if there is such a thing.

My brother Benjie is here, and he always makes me laugh. We were watching ESPN sports this am, when I thought I saw Jesus at a football stadium. I said, " What the heck, is on TV, a mirage of the lord!"

Benjie, " No, that is touchdown Jesus, they are at Notre Dame!!"

"NOOOOOAh, are you telling me, that they leave this statue up?" Ben, hollered, "Yes!"

"Are you kidding me, Mother Mary of Jesus, I'm so sorry, that they(whoever they are) can put your baby boy up, holding touchdown arms, and not think this is tacky!"

I know people pray for football, but let that be in your heart!! Witness your love, another way, not touchdown Jesus!!! I may have to up my meds, Benjie just told me a passenger on a airplane, threatened to pee on the cabin helper ( what do they call them anymore) Help!!!

I remain filled with love and hope, and realize I control so little, and My Benjie would say, " Pick Your Hard, Bon!"

Abundant Sunshine

 This dark (time change) morning, my beloved said, " The weather is calling for abundant sunshine."

 At 4am the brain cells, are just stretching and I mumbled, " Did it really say that?"

Hubby says, "Yes"

I smiled over my bed head, " That is the best news, I have heard in days!"

Side note, he failed to mention, it was witches titties cold!! 

Its Abundant Sunshine, that is a beautiful thing.

My hair is falling out, I have hives, my mom is in hospital, the election is on the fritz and violent people are oozing out of the seams of  America. I may be a tad stressed, but I have an Abundant Sunshine Day. Wanda Canupp Wunder use to say "Blue Sky Days" when she could go to the beach, to sun and fish.

I miss her special ways.

Mom is OK-ish, weak, breathing issues, walking issues, just stuff we are working on. Covid makes all the places that can help her, a death trap, so its scary. She may have graduated from our care, but we are hoping she can come home soon, to our normal. Mom, if you are reading this, do your exercises for your legs, and be extra sweet to your nurses and doctors. We are always blessed, remember that. We love you, and will talk later.

Mother and I have had 9 months of heavy chatting going on, we crack up everyday!! Laughter heals, she cries a  lot, but I have no tears left. ( after my son Ward died, no more tears are in my body)

I think mom still has work to do on this earth, so get better Mary, your room is waiting.

One thing during October that we discussed at length, is always daddy/Homer/Sonny/Uncle Homer.

I was the first born, and Trudy ( sister) came real soon after. She was very sick, and mom had to really concentrate on her. Well guess who that left me with!! Homer!! At the early age of around 3, he decided to introduce me to horror movies. I new Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi before I knew the name of our preacher at Anderson. I knew every part of a car, and how to polish a car, before my six birthday!!!

I knew that Cowboys and Indians were a religion in our house, we had shrines.

Walt Disney, was another human, that may have walked on water.

Golf, Football, I could have coached by the age of 10.

History, music, poetry, geography, quotes of the world, I was daddy's sponge. Then came the boys, Benjie and Tommy, and I had discovered boys, so we could part ways, so to say.

He was a born story teller, and artist with no filter, or ability to tolerate stupid.

Lucky for me, mom jumped in for the girlie stuff, taught me all about Thank You Notes, and not showing your britches!! They were two very different people, that worked well together, and gave us the best. Now I have had some, one on one time, with Mary, that has been pretty neat.( wish she felt better) 

I have had an abundance of  minutes with both of my parents, and for that I am grateful.

Back to this beautiful day, a random thought I had to share with Bill, and he laughed out loud.

Its dark in the den, and its early, crap news is on, and I say, " You know I really love Bandaids and Big Plastic Nativity Scenes in the yard." " I just felt the need to share this information with this person to whom I have been married to for 40 years!!!  He was laughing, " I learn something new about you every day Bonnie."

Thank you Homer and Mary, I have turned out to be pretty neat. A tad off center, and will always make you proud.