You May Say I'm A Dreamer, But I'm Not The Only One- JL

   Imagine living for today.
   He was such a writer, maybe a magical mystery man. John Lennon, thank you for leaving us your words and melodies. AND my blog title.
         I had to look through three notebooks to find this one dream I wanted to share with you.
         To wake with the feeling, that you may have met someone holy, is pretty cool and a tad crazy.
          Early last week, I woke drenched in sweat, and the menopause days, are long gone. I felt like I had been somewhere in the night.
          This is as much of the dream sequence that I could recall, its enough.
          I had to see a new shrink, not that I need a new one?! but somehow, I was headed to meet him, or her? The waiting room was filled with children, I was the only adult. I thought, this must be a huge mistake, or all the adults are in session and left these kids out here to drive me kooky! I waited and it was hot, and I felt the germs on everything, when this petite, dread locked, Indian Man dressed in a loin cloth and Sari called my name. I rolled my eyes back so far, I thought they would stick, but I followed. He opened the door to brightness and a courtyard that was crawling with people, the colors were exploding, the smells were strong, I felt disaster coming on. There were stairs, that I dreaded, but he said " Oh no, come here." Like he knew what I was thinking. A little tiny, empty office. Hot and pungent, with a green velvet, worn seat on the floor.( I had to go to the bathroom, and I thought, I will never get up off the floor) ( The chair covers reminded me of the living room furniture we had when I was a toddler) His desk was a rusted metal piece of nothing, and a metal chair.One notepad on his table, and he wrote little, and took his sari off. Now this Indian man, in the loin cloth, was sweating bullets, and I did not care. He shined out of his skin, adorable, charming and said nothing. ( I thought this is costing me so much money, for nothing) ( But I didn't care) ( I knew, I was there for a reason)
He asked me about my children, I told him I had five. He looked sad, " You say that with such sadness." I felt terrible, is he reading something coming off of me, that I don't love my kids?? How can that be, he has not even looked at me. He turns around, and said, " You have to embrace sadness, you will be OK.", " You are scared of being sad." and then he laughed, so hard, with no restraint.
     I sort of looked around, then a little kid came out of the back, it was his son. The Dali Lama ( That is what I thought he must be) grabbed my hand, and took me to his kitchen behind his office, his family was there. We exchanged hello, and the doctor man, DL, was bragging about me, proud of me, for something, I did not know what? Then I thought, this is the best therapy I have ever had. I feel wonderful, the smells were delightful, the peace coming from just the everyday hustle of people, was contagious. The magic man, took me to the courtyard, to continue to introduce me to his colleagues.
   There were flowers and food, and linen tents. Breeze and sunshine, and this little man, taking me all around. He then told me, you do not need to see me again, I charge 534.00$$ an hour, and you are perfectly fine, wonderfully whole and sadness will come to you, but never stay.
   There were more steps to get out of this place, and then the door shut. I thought about how much more I wanted to say, or just be in this persons space. Yet I was content to leave, and did not pay my bill, no one asked me to.
           As I said, I woke up, as if, I had been to India, and talked with a holy man.
           Routinely descended our staircase and started telling Bill my dream, then I had to stop. Grabbed my book and started to write. Bill said, " What are you doing?" Me answering him, " I have to write it down, quickly, it could float away in a second, and I think this one was special." and " I did not lose my purse or search for a bathroom in this dream, and that is a miracle!" He laughed, he hears all my dreams. ( Although I did think about peeing in green chair in his office, I don't know why? It is a dream, you know)
      My lesson, who knows, for sure.......I feel like since I lost my Ward....I think that I just have no more sadness to come out of me.....like when sad things may happen....I will break open and never close up again...the holy man said...I would be fine...sadness will come....I guess that may be what I took from this dream. Also to be at peace, where ever you are, knowing, "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one...there is comfort in numbers, we are in this together, all of us.

This Is How I Roll

     There was a horrific storm in our area of the country last night. Maybe around 3:00am, I woke Bill, the hubs, up and said, " Did you hear that?" Note: He never does. " I think we may need to go to the basement?" mumbled me. Needless to say, the storm did not lift us to Oz, and I fell back to sleep.
I was a little pissed, because I was brain deep, into a dream. Not a nightmare, but something I think I needed to finish. I dream every night, and remember most by daylight.
I have two to tell you about, but this one below, is fresh off the linen.
Bill and I were taking our children and a few others, somewhere, I don't know where, but I was not going to go. He was squeezing a herd of middle age kids into our car, and I saw a cooler and a picnic basket.  I am OUT!!
Next I was at a mall-ish, Las Vegas convention center, with the brood, and I may have wandered off, on purpose, and they left me. (This may speak volumes, ignore) I ran into Dr. Bill Walklet and Dr. R.D. Jackson, whom I have not seen in forty years. Dr. Walklet was a radiologist who taught me everything about special procedures, he groomed me for bigger things, and I am forever grateful. I was thrilled to see him, and wondered why he was wearing a puffy shirt!!(Seinfeld) All I remember from my youth is fatigue, passion and wearing scrubs! Dr. Jackson was with me in the Cardiovascular Lab, and he was not a good teacher, he was a good friend, and low on patience. I love him to this day, my buddy, my friend who taught me more than he will ever know, but not about the Heart! or maybe he did? It was so good to see them. Dr. Jackson looked a little Asian, which he was not, but I knew it was him. They were young, like I remembered them.
       Then switch, I always am looking for my purse, and a bathroom, in every dream. I was in the process of doing so, when this convention center, locked down, due to terrorist and a flood. I had no way to escape, because, if you remember the hubs has the kids, and car. ( stop trying to think, you know what this is about!) ( just a dream) I think I saw Sammy Davis and Frank Sinatra, running, but as usual, I followed idiots!! They did not have a plan, and I soon went out on my own, to try and save my life. ( you can not rescue the world!) ( that may be the lesson?)
Then I heard the storm, or vice versa, all I know that I needed to talk to Dr. Jackson for a day or two, I had so much to tell him, but I got up.
     Before my feet hit the floor, I was singing, Don't Cry for me Argentina, loudly and I smelled a hamster cage!! Yes, that is correct. It is so much fun being me, seriously, laughing I roll down the stairs to let Bill know all about my dreams, and ask him if he smelled a hamster! Note: he never does, I just want him to be ready if this is my sign for a stroke.
I know....
Pure Joy....
Now I get to watch Wyatt, and our song list for the day, ( I have been practicing) is Leslie Gore, Bobby Vinton, and Sonny and Cher( early years) finishing off with CSN and sometimes Young!
Happy Friday to me and all of you.

My Drug of Choice, Books!

       I do love a good glass of wine, on occasion. A Bloody Mary with a brunch or two. My one Margarita, that gives me a splitting headache!
      But my best buzz, comes from reading.
      I cannot go anywhere or function, if I do not have several books downloaded and real books, stacked to the ceiling.
 I can read as many as I want, and not effect my driving or my behavior. Too much alcohol, is just that, too much.
      Grab a book,(get on some good anti-depressive meds) and maybe a glass of wine.

     Here are my last books that filled my cup.
            1. A Man Called Ove by Frederick Backman 
            2. Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty
            3. Sisters One, Two, Three by Nancy Star  
( Note...I wrote this blog on paper while watching, my Wyatt, and now I cannot read my handwriting, so hang with me! You may need to check these authors names!! and Book titles!! I think I am pretty close to what they are called!! Near is good!!)
( Near is Good, next blog title!!) ( No Gin and Tonic can make me that happy!!) ( to trip upon a word grouping!!)( plus I may write the entire blog in parenthesis!)
             Lets start with.Sisters.....I think these three books, I would put under summer reads, I do not know how I read them in February, but I did.
             Now some lines from Sisters that will guide you to reading it, or steer you away..
                Mimi is stubborn as bloodstain ( Love that)
               " Who knows. I trained myself not to listen, The minute she got that cuddly tone in her voice." ( powerful)
                You know tears are not for the car. Tears are for the privacy of your own room with the door closed. ( You can tell from these words, what year this book took place in)
                She didn't know a neck could be so unhappy (OMG this is brilliant)
                Well raised in the art of deflection ( holy)
                Ivan says a quiet exit speaks louder than a hundred words. ( yes it does!)
                Ginger felt the heat of her mothers irritation seep into the air. ( love the word, seep and I can feel this sentence!)
                about a thousand square foot of quaint! ( goes a long way)      
               Big Little Lies, I only started to read, because I began to watch it on HBO and I have no time to wait on things. Reading the book is quicker for me, so when I found out it was a book, I read it!
              Who has time to wait for endings??
              lines from the book....
              It's like their religion. They are fundamentalist mothers!! ( well, that is the truth) ) a step too far)
             Madiline had her mood under control, like a rabid dog on a leash. ( and the leash is not working)
             Women are like the Olympic athletes of holding a grudge. ( guilty)

Summer read for sure, think it may be an older book, can be combined with the series, kinda fun.
             Now finishing up Ove... I think there is a movie out on this also, maybe a foreign short film.
             So far it is lovely.
              A couple of snippets...
              He was a man of black and white. And she was color, all the colors he had. ( love that thought)
             Ove, only swine thinks size and strength are the same thing.(hummmm.)

Those were my three February reads. I start painting in spring and summer, so my reading dwindles, not in volume but in time that I have to read. Like I said before.
             It is my drug of choice. 


         

Fat to Ash

    March is here in Atlanta, hot and cold, with a twist of lemon!
    My new baby, Wyatt Heyward will be two months soon. He is divine. Maya Angelou said that you should light up, when your child enters the room. I wish life would allow that, but it gets away from you. This grandchild lights up my life, just as my other two do. You have nothing to do but shower them with love, without thinking about washing clothes, cooking food, or packing a lunch. I guess some of the critical work is gone, you hold them, and remember your babies. What you did right, and what you could have done different. I try to concentrate on all the good, and for me, there is much.
   This time of year, between Fat and Ash, pull at me. Maybe all holidays do, but The Lenten season, Easter and The Empty Cross, require your attention. Or, at least,mine.
   Easter growing up, going to church in the finest outfits, knowing you could come home to your still full Easter Basket, AND you could rip off your crinoline. ( Plus the elastic, and dotted Swiss dresses itched and were no fun!!!) But cute, mom had us all spiffed up.
  Easter time, with my babies, baskets and photos and Yardley, Pa. I loved the church we went to there. Father Gammon's and his family, Saint Andrews and the Duck Pond. The seven layer cake at the bakery! Oh that may have been another holiday!! Hot Cross Buns, now these were heavenly.
  Now Spring and Easter comes around with a new G-Baby.
  ( I could lay at the altar, right now, spread eagle, crying)
  It is just so special, to have another one.
  He is our good egg, our pint sized angel baby.
  This Easter we will get to be with Adrian and Finn, two of our older golden eggs!! It was not so long ago, that they were held ever so tight, by me.
  Maybe its Spring and New Growth, a peak of the sun on Ash Wednesday.
  This New Testament Story told, over and over again.
  Its Emotional, it is the only reason, I can get up in the mornings. It is the promise, that My Ward, is whole. Somewhere is this mass universe, maybe he has landed. He can come and go as he pleases, and visits me often. The Old Rugged Cross, is not just a song. It is the reason for everything.
  Pay attention to your people, even if they get on your last nerve!! Life is never easy, but it is full of Joy.
  Between Fat and Ash, take a minute to think, give thanks.
  Be still and Know.

Caffeine, Chaos and Cuss Words

Bonnie snippets that I have written down in my books of quotes, random thoughts, and things that have made me laugh.
            HBO, last year of Girls, has been the funniest show I have seen in these past six years. It is outside the universe BOX, and that is my comfort zone. Cringe worthy moments of being young, not in my day, but I feel like my generation paved the way.
                  Hannah- I can only control the mayhem around me. ( which really means, no control)
                  Hannah- Well Fuck me, I did not get that information. ( Sometimes in life, Fuck has to be used)
                  Hannah's gay friend that she now lives with ( name escapes me at the moment)- My goal is to Fuck my way to the middle!! ( I feel off the couch, who wants to rise to the middle!!)
             This may not be your cup of tea, which is OK, it is mine. And if you want to know how people glow from the inside out, you will have to watch. ( I will try to keep my cuss words in check, but.....)
           Next-The Young Pope, think it was on HBO also. Very odd, but had it moments. ( I love Jude Law)             Young Pope's mentor as he is dying- You think you are the hinges, but you are the door!( that one line was worth watching the entire mini series)
           One from me, " Lord, Lord, Lord, lord, lord, whisper my sweet lord, my prayer while trying to take a nap, but my brain will not turn off. Then yelling, " How can I pray to you?" "Where were you when, My Ward died?" but..... that is my conversation with the holy man and mother. ( I write down everything.
           Visiting my hometown of Jacksonville, My brother Tommy-not worth a flicker!! I can never explain it to you. It is more of a hand signal, then spoken word, we have our own language. We make each other laugh, and cry! ( I know that most of these, need quotation marks, but I have a hair appointment, I may be in a hurry?) ( not really, I just like to mess with grammar people)
     
          The real reason for this blog, besides cleaning out my notebook, was to talk about Flat land.
I love driving in Florida, walking in Florida, riding a bike in Florida, it is flat as a pancake. Level, smooth, straight, you can drive and relax, and look around. It gives me such pleasure, that it took me by surprise, this last trip. I can feel the road change, and the water level coming up to meet my tires. The smell changes, the landscape turns to Pines and Palmettos, and then to Palm Trees. The swampy, moss infected areas of North Florida, my home base, never changes. It is the land of many stories, damp with humidity.
               My daughter and I, drove around my old haunts, and she may have mentioned, "You do this every time we come!" and " I don't know any of these people or places, that you are talking about!"
              I just kept driving, there is Edward's house, Melinda and I thought we would marry and live next to each other, in those two houses, I always thought the Corum's house was so pretty. There is Bruce Street, Lucky Drive, Pop-Pop made that fence that surrounds his house on 65th, or one of those numbers. Look, there is Andrew Jackson, Kirby Smith, My Emma, did not look, she just let me remember with fondness and rolled down windows. Main Street, slow and flat, sprinkled with youthful wonder. I know that you can really never go home again, but sometimes it comes to you. In the sound of the road, flat and constantly straight, holding me gently, pointing to the sea.
              love
               B

      I 

Fifty Shads

     Words are important. Coming out of your mouth or in print, it may alter your course.
      Just this week, my Atlanta girlfriends went to see Fifty Shads, that is what the marquee read.
      Before entering, hysterical laughter began, we all looked at each other. I said, " I will get up and leave if this is about fish!" Then all kinds of fish stories began, our journey was to start with a mistake.
      I took out my ear plugs, because movies are so loud anymore, and my buddies, thought maybe I had brought in some small sex toys, you see we were in out seats for Fifty Shades Darker. Then I caught a whiff of Vicks, asking my dear BFF, what kind of love potion is this!! ( they were Vicks cough drops, for a cold, and to quiet out cough from laughing like Hyenas ) Then the Queen, brings out of giant purse, a Swifter duster!!! ( the movie has not even started) We are now doubled over, crying, because this duster would probably be in our Red Room of Delight! We were weak in the knees and at that point we had not seen The Pummel Horse!
     For sure we recommend this movie, you attract your tribe, bring them with you.
     Don't be fooled by the sign, about fish! We caught a whopper of a good time on our line, and a small ( well, we don't really know?) butt action of Christian Grey.
    
      This Saturday blog began to be about words, but you know how my mind travels, it is awesome!!
      The house is quiet, Lucy girl is snoring by my feet, and I can just wander in my head and out!!
Before the movie, that I saw this week, I had a few minutes to retail dance. I scooted into Anthropologie and roamed. I like their marketing skills, colors, sets, designs, its a wonderful store to look at. The have a very wide list of interesting stuff, pricey, but off the beaten path combo of things.
I found some hair ties that were in my price range, and claimed them as mine. I turned over the package that they were on and it read like this:
                                            SHE TOOK HER HAIR
                                                like her drink
                                            NEAT, WITH A TWIST
I screamed, a little, I love clever people, good writers and marketing giants! The hair ties caught my eye, but when I turned them over to look at the price, the above quote was on the back. Yes, these are calling my name. Yes, the were too expensive, but I can blog about it!! So I will reason my purchase, through hell and high water.
   Then I quickly went to the sale area, found a scarf and some dish towels, looked like they were from India, prices slashed. I think, Christmas gifts, girlfriend gifts, Bonnie gifts?? I walked to the counter, and the lady was so adorable, then she put my jewels in a darling paper bag. Check all boxes, words and details make a difference.( I tried to use my new hair ties today, not great, but they are cute, so......half a check!)

  Movie and retail therapy during the work week, and dinner!! ( food delicious, waiter young and talked too much,) ( we also had to stop talking about politics, before our food got stuck in our throats)
Sometimes, lack of words, conversation, chatter is preferred. We took a small vow of silence, in remembrance of days gone by!! No Trump zone, dinner, movie and night!! I slept like a princess.
      Now, I am going to finish reading two books, and listen to my quiet house, the sound is beautiful.
      Expect a couple of book reviews to come, in a couple of days.
      February has been so busy, not complaining, just thinking as my fingers hit the keys!
      Love, look for it in the words. 
.
 

From Both Sides

   Our family has been so blessed this year with a new baby, Wyatt Heyward Baron, adopted in January, to my son Hartley and Nicole.
   Adoption is a big part of our family, we adopted two little girls from India. Amy Grace did not live to be with us, and Queen Emma Lea Reshma Baron reigns Baron all the way. She is my baby girl, my only girl and will turn 29 this year, I think. ( mom is getting old!) ( birthdays, years, ages, not high on my brain cell count lately) ( retirement, I don't even know what year it is!!)
  We are graced by these wonderful women, who cared that their babies had good homes, good people to love them. These women are strong and filled with so much love for these children. We are thankful for their choice. AND it was their choice. The whys and hows, we don't know or understand, but they made a choice.
      This is what the Planned Parent Organization, Pro choice, Pro life, Pro health is all about.
It is all about choice, and I do not think any body makes these decision with a flip of their hair.

     I know I didn't. You see I have been on Both sides, adopted a baby and had an abortion.
     Both decisions were about choice.
     Both decisions are really my business, but you know I live to share.

At 23, I was a young Radiology technician, getting ready to go work in the Cardiovascular Lab. My career path, and education were everything to me. ( One step down from boys!!) ( forever boy crazy)
Birth control pills became the norm, and I was thrilled. However there were so many kind, and they made me deathly sick. My OBGYN who was once a resident that I worked with, tried me on soooo many kinds, until we found one that worked. Except it didn't, I was pregnant on the pill, and just threw up my hands!! I had a choice to make, and quickly. I was not scared or ashamed, I knew I could not carry or deliver a baby, at that time. Youthful selfishness maybe, but I am a pretty smart cookie, and I weighed out all of the options. I was not pressured by anyone, very few even knew about it. It was between, me and God, and the doctor. I was not paralyzed with what was right or wrong. I made a choice, and it was the right choice.
  The procedure, was painful but done in a hospital clinic, with a resident from the hospital I worked for. It cost a lot of money, that I did not have, and I borrowed from several people.
  I promised the universe that I would spend my life helping people, loving people and serving people.
  Not because I felt guilty, but I did feel an empty spot.

 I went on with my life, married a man with two young sons, instant family. We had two more boys out of my body, and then we adopted Emma. Did I give back, give someone a life, that would not have survived? Maybe, but I think she gave to us.

Life is very much about choices. No one goes out and gets pregnant, celebrating that they will have an abortion over a glass of vino. These choices are huge.

It is very hard to dial back, as some would like us to do, in this election season. The divide is so wide, and deep. I am having a hard time finding any common ground, and every fiber of my being ( and there is a lot of it!!) aches for some of the recent decisions I see happening now.

 Many people asked why the snowflakes ( whatever that means??) marched, because we believe choice is important to all women. Pro life and Pro Abortion rights, female rights, we should march together.
  The common ground, that I search for, is maybe a dialogue of kindness, and an open heart on both sides. You see I have been on both sides, It is about choice. Yes I know, does the fetus have a choice, not when its in my body. That is how I feel, and you can feel however you need to, and be at peace.
   When I was split open to have my second baby, I asked my doctor to burn/cut my tubes. She said, " Bonnie, are you sure, you are so young." I was very sure, never more sure, that no other child was coming out of me, it was my choice, not the hubs, or the doctors, MINE!.
  I had wanted to adopt children since I was a little girl, if there were going to be any more Baron angels, with protruding baby horns, I would adopt.

 Sigmund Freud said;
            If age knew; if age could.
Choice comes from both sides, remember that.
I pray to not be angry and be a good listener, but I will not be silent.