Turn Right At MACHU PICCHU!!

Two GPS contraptions, two sets of map quests, hand written directions, and the fact we had both been to Asheville before, did not stop our endless "lost "looks that we exchanged last week. ( all English teachers can fix the above sentence, I'm too spent! and I don't care, but I am aware!!!!)

My best friend from high school and I went on a road trip to see one of our boys. Not one of our children, our boys of high school!!! Wally turned sixty and is suffering from a wicked disease called ALS, and we wanted to shower him with love. Little did we realize we had not been in a car together, for any distance, in thirty or forty years!! Lord have mercy, the tongues were wagging, and laughter was heard around the deep south for miles. How shall I say this, we failed to pay attention to directions. How can you listen to the GPS or look for road signs, when you are discussing who was the best kisser, and other things?? We had years of memories to discuss, and a few current issues as well. After we had gone through the same tunnel three or four times, and peed in our pants, we stopped and asked strangers for help. Through the tears and laughter, I said, "Susan we are educated and grown people, no wonder people called us special!!" We finally found our destination and it was so worth the trip. How wonderful to celebrate with Wally, and see that he has a host of other friends to watch over him, and continues to hope for a miracle. We do believe in them still, after all these years.

We left before it became dark outside, so we could see our way to Susan's sisters house, like that would help us!!! So after what seemed like an eternity, we called her and said, "We think we are lost?" but we were just one exit away, but by then paranoia had seeped in!! While we were stopped, for the hundredth time, we went to use the bathroom, a lovely place, not really, but....We saw Jesus on the bathroom door, we were doubled over on the nasty floor, laughing like mental patients. I told her it was indeed a sign, that we were going to find our way home, or at least not hit a deer on the highway!!

We should all take the extra effort and time to reconnect with the people we love. Healing comes in many forms, even when you are lost. I love you Susan. I adore you Wally. Thanks Ham and Wilma for letting me stay and visit.Thanks to Wally's caretakers for doing such a good job. Connor call if you need me, I will fly next time!!!

A Picture Does NOT Always Tell The Story

Mys day are tangled, so my stories may be also. I laugh to myself, like this is a new idea?? I'm always tangled in some fashion, my norm, my story!!

This summer we are redoing the kitchen and the dinning room, so far...my house looks like "Camp I-do-not-want -to be here" A big mess, with awesome rewards, I need my horse blinders on! So far the new fridge (ice-box in my neck of the woods) and dishwasher are installed. Oven and stove-top ordered, and we picked out granite!!! Sounds easy?

While driving, early this Saturday to the granite "farm", I asked Bill, " Why is it in every book I read, no one is having to pick out granite!?" So dread had seeped into my journey, and why I read so many books, became so very clear!!! However our experience with looking at over 125 slabs of granite, became one of my favorite things to do. It was like going to an art museum, each piece with a new story, and vein running through it. The lady, our tour guide, loved the granite as much as I did. We stroked each one, with gentle hands, looking for all the different gems, and imperfections. I nearly licked a few of them! Finally, I asked her if other people, take this granite as personal as I seem to have. She smiled and said yes, but she was trying to sell me the product??

I ended up picking the first one that I liked, I'm very use to not erasing the answers, going with my first choice. I like my style and my taste, and have been this way many years. Bill was in agreement with my decision, he walks with me on all my journeys. He whispered, "I know there is a blog in here somewhere!" when I laid on one slab like Jesus on the cross. It was seeing nature, all polished, beautiful. So we purchased our granite, and await the next phase.

While driving home, I started to cry. I asked him, "Do you think Ward would like it?" He was so much like me, he would hate the mess, but love the process of the "Granite Walk." Bill shook his head, no words. What I wanted to say was, " Do you think he will recognize the new things we have done, when he comes home?" Even though I know that is not possible, my heart felt a tug with getting rid of things, that he had touched, as silly as that seems. It's just objects???or is it???? My granite tells a story.

**The pictures are three views of one slab, trying to show you, its story.

Sixty What??

All my buds, or at least most, are turning sixty this year. It just seems crazy to me, in fact I think we are all soooo....young. Just this week one young man turned sixty and I thought about all of our "make-out" sessions, as if it were yesterday. Another turns sixty next week, and I think he has been sixty a long time, such an old soul. Love,love this person most of my life. I even let him borrow my bra, for a homecoming skit, and to this day, I do not think he returned it!!! I bought Susan and Paula birthday cards and gifts yesterday, for July and August, lifelong friends, and we are grown-ups??? We are all the hero's of our own stories, I hope. In my heart, I believe we are all so special, these sixty year old friends of mine.

Six Books Downloaded, I'm Packed!!!

Early morning flight to Miami, with my buds. We shall drink Cuban coffee, and tip cabana boys, who serve us well!!! Walk the streets of South Beach, with all of her colors ablaze. Satan's humidity calling me by name!
 "BONNIE (shouty capitals!!!) do you have enough things to read?" How nice of him to worry about my happiness!?? Hmm....do I?? I always like to have four or five ready to read, but on this trip, maybe I need more?? Is he testing me, I don't do well on tests!!! So I caved and downloaded two more, in case kidnapping cougars is on the rise. The Patron Saint of Dreams by Philip Gerard looks great. Short stories, work well at the beach, I can time my flip-over, makes for perfect tanning. Little choices made or ignored shape who we are, how we turn out. His Essays explore the whimsey of fate, I chose his book, and I like whimsey!!! Next one that I grabbed?, is The Emotional Life of your Brain by Harvard neuroscientist Richard J. Davidson. He says we have the power to alter our emotional style. How we perceive the world and react to it. I'm hooked, love brain books, so I'm packed!!!
"BONNIE are you sure?" what is with this Satan and my reading??
"Oh I get it, he knows I'm just going to keep reading Fifty Shades over and over!!"
Damn that devil!!! such a pest.

Awakening Joy

I recently read an article about seven simple ways to awaken Joy.
These are their ideas: Imagine Happiness
                                 Memorize Happiness in your Body
                                 Reframe your Fate
                                 Strategically Diffuse Worry ( Like that is going to happen??)
                                 Let Go of Feeling Busy
                                 Experience the Bliss of Blamelessness
                                 Seek the Good in Others
I think there are some good ideas, I like the idea of letting go of the busy feeling. I like Bliss duh!!! Imagine yourself happy(happiness in your body) NO!! I want the real thing. If your fate is constantly doing laundry, it is hard to reframe!!! I do firmly believe that Joy is not just for the lucky few.

My seven simple ways to awaken Joy are as follows:
Wear summer pajamas for longer periods of time                                                                             
Have great girlfriends who give you A Grey Tie!!!!                                                                                
Music will fix anything, it is the key to my heart                                                                              
Look for the goodness in people and lower your expectations!!! People tend to be cra-cra!!!
Read and read some more                                                                                
Six and seven, make up what your joy may be, we are all so different, and know my list is endless.........

I was walking to the sewing lady, Grace, today and the heat from the asphalt took my breath away, it was glorious. I thought what do people want, this is heaven!!!!

I was listening to some new CD, and the voice of angels filled my car, Music is Joy!!!!!!(Thanks Nat)

Bill(hubs) and I just went to a restaurant, that was awful, bad drinks, bad food, and I looked at him and said," We could be in India!!!and Brewster's in right around the corner!" 

You deserve Joy, I'm sending you some via this blog.

Two Speeds

Where has May gone? Tomorrow is the 18th, last day of school AND my last day of work. That is work outside the home!!! Retirement is a welcome friend, I just want to enjoy it!!! Which has been a slight problem, in the past. You see I have two speeds, one-climbing on the stage of The Rolling Stones Concert, or two-spending hours sitting by the ocean. I can be very still, calm or hanging from the rafters. AND soon to be sixty years of age. All these things unleashing at the same time, it is bound to be another journey, saddle up!!!

I'm ready.

The other night watching "Harry's Law", the main character, played by Kathy Bates (love,love) woke up looking like we all do, eye mask, ear plugs, breathing strips, non just f**ked hair. She gruffly said, " This getting old sucks, I miss the ages between 18 and 49!" Love Ms. Bates, but the words they give her to deliver are jewels. She just wanted a few years back, it was just perfect. I don't think I want any years back, they all molded me just so....Bonnie-ish....and I'm good with that.

The new prospect of not being in the work force, I'm good with that also.

There is Joy to be had.

Turn On A Dime

 My friend Nancy, had a daughter graduate college last Saturday, and Sunday morning her other daughter was dead. A traffic accident had swept her away from us, at the age of 25. Of course lives have been shattered, with no relief in sight, and I search for words.

How do I tell her, I love her, and I understand. I lost Ward, I did not lose Brooks. Our first born children are gone, and my ache for Nancy is that I do know. Do I tell her that she will feel insane on many days, and see Brooks face in many places. She will smell her, and hear her voice at times. Maybe I warn her that she may think all of her teeth are falling out, from gritting your teeth so much, that you think your teeth are crumbling. I think she should know that it is OK, to stand outside in the dark for hours listening to nature, and how all your senses are so tuned in. Often it is better to let someone else drive you, because for some strange reason tears flow harder when your foot is on the gas pedal!! Compassionate Friends saves parents and siblings lives after tragedies. Talking, screaming, and laughing with people who are members of this horrible group of strangers that have lost children, is healing. Continuing to work can help or not, we are all so different in our grief journey, I can only pass on my story. Shock is your friend, there is much in the first year that is just gone, and maybe that is good?  There was a "peace" that came to me, because all my fears were gone. You see, having a child die, is every mothers lifelong fear, and I had faced it, as you do now Nan-Nan. Time does not heal, its just time. Time does keep moving, and somehow we move with it.

When you are stronger(I know that seems like never) I will come stay with you for a weekend, and sit and hold you, and have you tell me all about Brooks. I want to know everything about her life of joy on this earth. We are lucky, these precious kids....our kids......we would only change the ending.

From a state away, I send my love and prayers.