Riding The Elephant

 Craig Ferguson wrote this book, Riding The Elephant, it will be my point of reference on this blog. I will use his words and mine to mesh my story, my perception of what I see. That is all we can do, write what we see, and borrow from others.
  There is an elephant in every room you go in, each phase of your life, and on any given day!! That gentle giant, Dumbo's mother is in the ROOM!!!
    What families skirt around, friends talk about anything else, and now with politics, it is a very large ELEPHANT with tusks and poachers!!!
   Do we discuss , the nice sweater Bing Crosby, or the young, angry, beat-the-kids Bing Crosby?? It is hard to navigate conversations, we chew down feelings in the south, especially!! We may park our crazy on the front porch, and offer a glass of sweet tea, but god forbid you discuss anything wrong.
Mental Illness is never an easy subject, and I promise you we all have a touch!! OCD, depression, full tilt breakdowns, on any day, that elephant is in the room. Like the same sense the BORGIAS were also a family!! so many trapped in resentment and alcohol, old age and disconnect, blue wave and beyond belief in your countries sanity. A discordant hymn, of fear and loathing, there is an elephant in the room.
    Having lost my brother and father within a few months of each other, I look to see how the changes in my family will occur. We are not the same people, I hope we are even better. Stronger, kinder, wiser, gentler, but....chaos and crisis can sure stir a pot. Daddy Homer would say, " Its just life Bonnie, pure and simple. Good and bad, circus freaks and people to pay money to see them.Make
good choices, and get off the pot!!!" ( Pot being toilet, in that metaphor!!)
   I want people to be safe and happy, well, whole, and give back. I think that is why we are here, to leave a good footprint. It is about The Ride, how you ride the elephant. Hold on!!! It may be uncomfortable, change, big changes, but we all have to keep trying.
  And just think, what is sweeter then an elephant, big old ears just flapping, listening to all of us, trying to figure this stuff out!! Read this book, very funny and sad, and just life, from his perception.
 While  I have a minute, another book to read, if you have lost a parent, is How to Forget by Kate Mulgrew. I loved it. It is always good to read that what you are feeling, has been felt by others. I am the only Bonnie Blackman Baron, that lost my daddy, Homer lived very large, but others have lost their parent, children, spouses, its an interesting book, even if you have not even lost a bird!! or turtle!! Read it.
       Couple of lines from the book:
          I realized with a dull, heavy certainty that she would never again in her life know pleasure.
          I feared the family would be constitutionally unable to withstand another breach.
          The reality of what lay ahead of us was not only daunting, but terrifying, and because of this our vision was blinkered.
           We are a strange little band, pretending to make jokes but only half listening to one another.
           I love all of you, but some of you better then others. You know who you are.
           She despised and fear mediocrity
           mothering years warning us against the unending perils of "herd mentality"
           I'm having a sinking spell, Kitten. Get me a cold cloth and some ginger ale.
           We had taken wildly divergent paths, and in so doing, we had lost each other.
           Her father was TIRED into death.
I could go on for days, this is a fab book about life and death of both parents, and family hoopla.
Homer would say, Ride the Elephant or join the damn circus!! I miss him.
         

 

In Case I Go To.......

  INDIA??
  Chances are very slim, I have a problem with a cacophony of sounds, smells, colors, people. I think India would hit me in the face with ugly and beauty at the same time. I have aged too much to be able to pick my way through. I think. However, I have always wanted to go, and pray.
Eat, Pray, Love is my mantra, and I think her trip to India either inspired me, or keeps me at bay.
My daughter, Emma, is adopted from India, and I do hope one day, she gets to see all the good, that helped make her. She is very much like me, even though she would say, not Really!! We had gone to see Slum Dog Millionaire years ago, and about half way through the movie she leaned over, and said, " You know we could never go there!" Granted the streets of Calcutta, would pull at me, I would touch every non-touchable person, and she knows it. The smells of poverty, I promise you, I would not make it. I smell things like a dog, all my senses are 10x normal. Emma has asthma, so it may not be the best place for her to visit, but I tell her, "Those are our people." Then we both agreed about curry and rickshaws, big negative. I read every book about India, to better understand my love of their people, and help Emma understand her roots.
  She would probably tell you, I read every book known to man, but that does not negate my love of India.
  Anyhow, why am I going on about this??
  My pray beads, Mali prayer beads broke during daddy's funeral and I have been beside myself with angst.
   I have tried to order them, and three different times, they have come back wrong. One day, I told Bill, I cannot pray with chia seeds!! I need my beads with the red thread and the knot between each bead. They are some seeds or part of a tree, but I forgot the name.
You see, after the book Eat, Pray, Love I needed her kind of beads to pray with, to meditate, to calm my mind, so I could pray!! Its the repetition, and the knot in between!! It causes you to pause, before the next bead. My friend, Jamie, found me some for my birthday about 12 years ago, and gave them to me when Ward died. One, I always like an early Birthday present, it was July, and they saved my life. I continued to hold them, and use them for all these years, and at daddy's funeral, the thread broke. I still use them, but cannot wear them on my wrist or neck, to have with me, as needed.
  All of this, maybe does not make sense, that is OK, its my peculiar tick!!
 The Hubs says, "You have thirty sets of rosary beads, from all over the world, they work." I calmly and sweetly replied, " It is not the same, Jesus or Mary are on those beads, and they don't feel right on my fingers!" ( Yes I do say the Rosary at times, but anyone with ADD brain will know, my mind wanders)
 Why do you need beads, you may ask?
 Here is a normal prayer for me, no beads.
 Jesus, Jesus, are you listening
 I have many huge things to pray about, ( I wonder what the name of this polish is on my nails, I love it) 
Take care of my mom, you know she needs to eat, and move up here. ( I think I am going to throw her in my car, next trip) ( that polish had sometime to do with the color of a pigs tail!)
My family needs you, heck we all need you, this country is messed up. ( people need to travel more, they really don't understand the world) ( but it costs so much, how are the poor suppose to travel)
( maybe read more books) 
Thank you for my bed, and husband, OK maybe I should have put him first!! My husband and my bed, and my pillows!!!
Ok, now I am getting antsy, have I told you about my bead problem. ( those kids in those cages need food and medicine, they are not worried about prayer beads) I KNOW THAT, but in order to pray for each person, say their name, their request, I need beads.
 I will keep looking, my throat is closing up, thinking about them. Can you calm me down.
Please look in on all my love ones, that should be up there with you, or zooming around the universe. Smile at them, or touch them, they are pretty neat people. You made them!!!
OK, this is getting on my nerves,
Keep loving me
Your child
Bonnie
Now can you see my problem, I either need to go to an ashram and learn to pray better, or just find some beads. ( Jesus, do you hear me, send me some or guide me to the website) ( the knotted ones)
 It is a gloomy, rain drenched morning, a good day to pray, and I am without beads.
 My blog is a little prayer, I think I am good for the day.
 Hope you have said yours, and keep me in your prayer loop!!
 Eat, Pray, Love you
Bonnie
Note the above beads, top no knot, no good, bottom has knot, but wrong bead!!!

These are sandalwood with knots, but they are not right either. 

my research begins