Watch With Me

   So often I wish friends and strangers had the pleasure of watching things through my eyes!! I guess you do get a glimpse through my words, but one day, just sit with me for a spell.
    Read with me, paint with me, sing with me, watch soccer with me!! WHAT!! Yes the World Cup Soccer games, have been so much fun. Note....I do not watch soccer at all....but The Cup!! I am in, shin guards deep. My daughter tells me, there are rules, but I just see men running up and down the field. Kicking and pushing, and a goal here or there. To be honest, what I see, is a pair of orange shoes that I pine after. All of these men, have unusual haircuts, that I think must serve a purpose. I look deep!!! The men from Senegal have the most beautiful black skin, I have ever seen, never have I seen this color black. They took my breathe away, I think they may have lost, yes I am paying attention. I love Portugal, and Brazil, Columbia, Spain and tolerate all the others. There is this one short man, on a team, whom I like to watch, because he is so close to the ground.I think he may be on Germany or Sweden, he has blond hair!!( I just know he does not wear those orange shoes I want)
    I have a hard time, not thinking about all of them smelling!! 90 minutes or more, of intense sweating, they do not make deo for that!! I wonder, out loud, if they eat anything during halftime? I love that they walk out at the start of the game, holding hands with a little child. I think that is so sweet, and I try to sing all of their country anthems. My girl Emma, tried to explain some of it to me yesterday, something about positions, and off sides. I had to tell her, that she was raining on my soccer parade, and remind her, isn't that really cute guy on the Columbia team??? I think she huffed a YES!! out..All I know, is that I am having a ball!! and I wish you were with me!! So much fun.

      Now onto reading.
 I have been reading Varina all of June, and for me that is a lifetime. In winter I would have read three books by now, but summer is busy. I still need to read, its my pleasure.
 I got so caught up in the way Charles Frazier writes, that I lost the story. You will see why.
   Notes from Varina: 1. Those strange days, a lot of people used up parts of themselves they could never regenerate   
                                   2. the decision bore her thumbprint like a sloppily iced cake.
                                 
                                   3. So this was Richmond, a veneer of refinement over a deep core of brutality.

                                   4.The mother's every word leaves her mouth as a blaring pronouncement.

                                   5. I love words more than anything or anybody, but my mind is a feather in the wind.

                                   6. a watercolor blurred across wet paper dragging a wide brush ( life!!)

                                   7. whether you pick well or poorly, the act of choosing carries grief

                                   8. It was briers and hurricanes right from the start ( Yes, and humidity)

                                   9. North and South like grotesque reflections of one another in a carnival mirror.

I have pages of notes saved, those above are a few. I have to re read the story, I got lost in the style, now I have to just breathe and read. I wish you were with me, its a journey and an adventure to read with me!!! I wish you could see the stacks of notes, Its maddening and me!!
    I will end this blog with Omar!! If you know me, or think you do, which is OK, I am very careful before I go to sleep, what goes in my brain. AND you can't very well watch me before I go to sleep, so I write to share. Last night, Bill and I settle in, and he is flipping though the channels, when FUNNY GIRL jumped onto the screen. I took a deep breath, and he said, " Look its your Omar." Which I so appreciate he knows me so well. He then said, " Its almost over." I shushed him! Let me absorb all of this, and I did. I prayed to the God of my dreams, please let this stay with me!!! Then Bill started to talk about evolution, SHUSH!!!! we turned off the TV.
    I started to sing the entire Funny Girl songs, quietly, and then repeated several times, Nicky Arnstein, Nicky Arnstein, Nicky Arnstein, with a pat on Bills back, and a smile on my face. I wish you had been here!!! Did I have good dreams?? All I can remember is looking for my car, and not being able to work my phone, but I know Nicky Arnstein was in there somewhere.
            We should all go to bed happy and wake up so thankful, my goodness!!
            Watch with me, enjoy the journey

Dresses, Skirts and Pockets

 Summer Solstice was here this week, and to some it is the beginning. Something about maximum elevation of the sun, longest day, heat stroke?? All I know is I hear Christmas music playing in my brain. This is when I panic. My husband, yearly tells me, its just the beginning of summer!! I think it has already started to get dark earlier!! I know it is summer, but it can never stay long enough, and I begin the process of missing it!! No there is no logic, it is my meter to soak it all in, and wear all of my summer clothes.

      I am a moderately happy human, but summer clothes, takes me up a notch. You see I have, what is knows as, clothes claustrophobia. ( Do not look for logic here!) ( Florida) ( say no more)
     I consider a bathing suit cover up, as enough. Trust me.
     I dislike shorts, I want a dress on, or a skirt! with any wisp of a shirt! I need a breeze, flowing in and around all my parts! I also want pockets, I do not understand why they are not on every garment, its a deal breaker. I get giddy, to find pockets on even my nightgowns!! which I wear until they are thread bare and barely hanging on me! I need a breeze!! All my summer dresses that I keep for decades, eventually become my nightgowns, its a texture thing.

    When there are no pockets around, and it happens, I hide things in my bra. I have also lost things in there, a pair of earrings, and my phone. Just let your imagination run with that!! I have Aunt Eleanor's boobies, only my relatives will understand the curse. She ordered her bras, back in the day, special delivery from Sears!! I also special order mine, and have to sell pieces of my liver to pay for them!! It is special. I need pockets, in the summer, really always. In the winter, I am so distressed, with sweaters, I do not care about pockets.( yes, my burdens are huge!)

     Yesterday at my bone doctor, he remarked how cute I looked, well duh!! darling summer dress, it changes your body language. ( and a new hip, no pain, may have made my face look sweeter!) Beach hair, pool hair, little to nothing cute frocks, sandals, or slides, lipstick and a hint of cheek color, soft perfume, light nail color, AND POCKETS!! Summer Solstice, I am hanging on til I see the first leaf fall!! Enjoy your hot Saturday in this sunny month of June, its a wonderful thing.

What Is Missing?

   This last week, with two suicides of famous people, took me to my knees. Not because they were famous, but probably because we heard about it. There are many deaths, each day, suicide deaths.
   It baffles me, and I know depression. Extreme loss, sadness has engulfed me, and I came out the other end. I guess there is not a clear answer, or maybe even a clear question.
    This morning, after my shower,I fell back into my bed. So clean and smelling so good, I thought, Kate Spade will never have this pleasure again. ( I know my mind works very differently!) I have spent my entire human on earth life, searching for joy. Paying attention, sometimes too much attention!!
    My mom always said to surround yourself with good people, and wonderful thoughts.
   AND it is very hard. The scale of Justice weighs heavily with bad things happening, horror stories, and despair.
   There are doctors, and meds, prayer and beads!! by the gazillion, and sometimes, there is nothing.
   Its that nothing, that will get you every time.
  That space of nothing, fill it up.
  I was laying on the bed in Emma's old bedroom, with my perfect grandson, Wyatt. He was sleeping, and I like to look at him. Every inch of his body, he had nestled his feet under my leg, and I thought, Mr. Bourdain, this would have saved you. ( I like to think) ( in my heart) ( he used a bathrobe sash to hang himself, there was not a whole lot of thought!) ( this stuff bothers me) Kate, at least used a red scarf. ( no, I am not being serious, its still terrible, but....there was some style coming through)
   My son died by his own hand, the autopsy said 'accidental overdose'? I think the combination of the drugs, are called K-hole, ( nasty sounding), I think he was getting high, and the dose was too much? Did he take his life on purpose? I don't know, mental illness is a beast. Ward had stop taking his medicine to keep him level, and functioning for some time. I just don't know. He is gone, that much I know. When we found him, the first thing I told him, was it was OK, and I will be OK, don't worry.
 I wanted him to know, that we would all be OK, and his spirit was free to fly. No quilt, no pain, it is what it is, it happened. I also told him that I believed he had lived his full life, and we were forever thankful for 24 years.
    Oh back to Wyatt...I was laying there and I needed some beads to pray and meditate, and I did not have them wrapped on my arm. And you know I was not about to wake a sleeping angel, period. So I looked around the room, and right in front of me, were the plantation shutters!! Yes, I will pray on each one, prayer shutters!! It keeps me focused, or my mind tends to jump around!! Duh!!
   So I told all the people that chose to 'check out', even those I do not know their names, that they are free to soar. I will miss there being on earth with me, they brought me soooooooo much joy. It is not my place to understand all!! We are all responsible for our thoughts and actions, and depression often skews the view. The dark is just too dark, for a minute. A minute too long.
    I hope mental illness of any degree, doesn't reach in to touch you, or your loved ones, but chances are it has. Call people, seek help, there are all kinds of clergy, doctors, people willing to help. Put the number on speed dial, because a lot can change in one minute.
        June, warm us up, and show us another day.

        Always
        B

Call Me ________________________________?

     My new online course , of a few weeks, I THOUGHT was going to be about all of Shakespeare's plays. Boy was I wrong, maybe reading the course info before I click a button next time.
     The course is Introduction to Who Wrote Shakespeare, never did I see the words, who wrote??
  What are they talking about?? Another crazy conspiracy theory? Do I truly care who wrote all this magic? Why so people continue to want to rain on my parade!!! STOP IT!!!
    I do not need to know all the secrets, I just want to read and understand all of Shakespeare.
    If I called him, Rufus Cartwright, would the words still speak to me.
    I only know these plays and sonnets from Will!!
                Being vexed, a sea nourished with a lover' fears;
                What is it else? A madness most discreet,
                A choking gall, and preserving sweet.
                                                 Romeo and Juliet
                                                 By_________________?
    Well it is not Rufus!! Williams Shakespeare wrote that, I don't want to know any different, but I will continue with the course, and dare them to convince me!!

  They ( professor at University of London) ( is that a real place?) ( Trump has me second guessing Jesus!) ( now this) use many words critical thinking, duh! and something to the effect of a dialog
with the deaf, now I know deaf people are probably mad!! I am listening with both ears, and no heart, but I am so trying to hear both sides.
      There is no literary paper trail!! WHAT??? very few signatures, cannot prove he attended any school past 6 grade, his children were illiterate ( the person who wrote Macbeth's children?)
      They think that this William Shakspere ( different spelling) the theater person, was a broker for plays. Would buy them and maybe borrow them? for his own?? I just do not believe that. Surly those people would have said, " Hey, that is my play!!" you thief. Stratford at Avon person called Will.
   There are no letters, no property exchanges and documented, no logical narrative proof!!
   He did have a will and left his wife a second hand bed!!! my Shakespeare would have left her his manuscripts, his blood on the paper. There were no books, that he had read, to pass on, no bible with his family name inside. NADA, nothing personal . They know when he was born, 1564, he married at 18, had 3 children, ran the London Theater Company, did someone make this up too? or is there some paper? Birth certificate, Marriage license? and for which man are we talking about, there are two different spellings.
    Was my genius author, a recycle of others works, a re-tell others stories, and pen his name to it? Or were these works written by others, and why use another name. Would you not want credit of what you wrote?? Thomas Heywood, Ben Johnson, sooooo many names of men who may have had their hand in these masterpieces, I choose to not believe it!!
   AND does it matter? To historians yes, it matters. To me, it matters that you are messing with my brain, and love of Shakespeare, so stop it. I do not like to entertain doubt, I don't want three hundred handwriting specialist to bicker about signatures, it was in the 1500, the ink may have smeared by now!!!
  Just to let you know, even if you could care less, both sides have very good arguments.
  AND I am only have way through the course, I keep saying, I am not going to finish it!! It makes me angst, I think Will may have been one of my past loves, and now you tell me that is just not true either!!
   I lean, all in, to William Shakespeare, I need to. I recognize some flaws in the story, but I can live with that. Its a lot like Life, choice is everything. Research, educate yourself, kicking and screaming, and then decide. Some people don't believe in evolution, their choice. There are those, that believe only one religion works, again, a choice. I cherish the words from this person, William Shakespeare, whomever you may have been.
     Also Thank You Miss Wells, for guiding me down the path of this man or myth. You will be proud to know I am re reading all of his works, and Chaucer, in your honor.
     Call me, a reader of Shakespeare, all in head, feet and heart!