Crank Up The Volume

    I have decided after 64 years on this earth, sometimes you just have to crank it up!!
I come to you today, from the Georgia Rain Forest, awaiting the next deluge.
   Only scattered thoughts through this month of July, which means summer is almost over.
   I just got up off the hammock on the back porch, its 90 degrees outside, but you know I love the heat. Our porch is very high in the tree line, so it seems like I am at the lake, or beach, when I retire to the prone position. I grabbed a few electronic devices, pillows and cursed the neighbor next door for using his blower for two hours. NOTE there is nothing to blow! Well, I tuned him out, cranked up the tunes, and begin to read a new bio on Ernest Hemingway, it is soooooo good. Lucy the lab, on the floor below me, and we watched the clouds roll in. I love reading about famous people, who are truly so broken. Either by alcohol, or mental illness, addictions, sometimes all the the mentioned, human can be so complicated,that also makes us interesting creatures. I have always said, about my Ward's illness, that one, I could hang up a shingle and treat people!!! and two, mental illness is very interesting, if it is not your family member. My approach to all things, is research and learn. I have never, not even a day goes by, that I don't try to learn about people and STUFF! Whatever you choose to call, your quirks, or full blown manic attacks. We all know someone who is touched. One day, you will see me, on the steps of The Capital, speaking for the masses. We have to talk about these things, and get on top of this medical situation or lack of care for all people. The crazies in Washington, need to take care of the cray-cray of everyday people. My Ward, came off of our insurance in his middle twenties, and never took his medicine again. He took a lethal dose of  Ketamine and Morphine to get high, or stop the voices, and lost his life. His medication made him a whole person, graduated college, interned at a wonderful commercial advertising co, where he edited commercials, then he lost his insurance and that was that.  Would Hemingway had taken his life, one day, without a gun on his desk? Probably, his family DNA has huge head problems. Would Ward have reached out to street drugs, if he was balanced mentally on his medicine, I like to think not. There is nothing that can done, except to write about it, and hope that people, all people have access to health care. I lost my sister to diabetes, she could not afford her insulin or the damn syringes and she had a little health coverage. All people should have quality health care, I don't understand why people would be against it, but trust me, there is much I do not understand, so I crank up the volume!!!
   Life is difficult, on good days.
   My sweet mama sent me a picture, of four generations of us when Ward was born. It is a darling photo. She asked how I liked it, I said, " I notice all of our skin(, mine, mom, nanny, and of course Wards)! looked like velvet and yet all I can see in my face is fatigue!" Having babies, raising  children, will suck the marrow from your bones. I love my children, but all I could see on my young face was extreme exhaustion. Dog tired, dead on my feet, drained and I would do it all over again in a minute. Thanks mom for sending me the photo, you know I love to get things in the mail. I have that photo somewhere, but you blew it up ( cranked up the volume) and surprised me.
   We went to sweet Joe's memorial on Saturday, and sent him home, with love.
    I wanted to tell one story, but could not buckle my knees to get up, so I will tell you.
    Joe had STUFF, years of STUFF, his brain chemistry was off and on, like so many millions.
    He made a bad choice, and we love him even more, because it is just an accident to not think sometimes.
       Joe and Hart were friends forever. Hart always had a good Joe story to tell me.
       One day he said, " You know Joe never takes a test on test day!" I looked at him, like why?
      " He drives around in his car screaming, until his tonsils are red and raw, and goes to the clinic, for an extra couple of days with note, to study"  I screamed," Hart he is a genius, who would ever think like that?"  Now of course we think, wonder why he just didn't study on the time he had, it just wasn't in his makeup. There are no answers to all our questions, Joe cranked it up, when he needed to, that is pure genius!!! Hemingway left us with chunks of himself on the written page, that may have shortened his life, he ran with the bulls!! Beyond cranking it up!! My Ward, was gentle and eccentric
and his volume was ever changing.
   Life is to be lived, love hard and long, and when it gets too heavy, crank it up!! with something good, and pure and serving others.
    And say you are sorry, every other second if you need to. We are all a little off center, and that is the JOY!