Pick a Card, Any Card

    Two Elizabeth Gilbert jewels from her new book, ( think it is called Big Magic?? something, read it)
            1. Emotional pain makes me the opposite of a deep person; it renders my life narrow and thin and isolated!!!! ( this is how grief weaves its web!)
            2. Martyr says;  " Nobody will ever understand me." ( totally!) ( I just tapped into my twelve year old self)
                Trickster says; " Pick a card, any card!"
             3. ( I found another one) "Don't dwell on your failures. You don't need to conduct autopsies on your disasters!"
   Gosh, words can be so powerful. We often jump from Martyr to Trickster, quickly. Balance is so key to keeping you whole, and can be dull!! We have to stop trying to find answers to everything, no autopsy today!!
     July has been very warm, hot to some, but I prefer to call it toasty! This Sunday afternoon, after the tennis, is just rolling along, so slow and lovely.
     This coming week, we remember Our Ward, leaving us.
     In nine years, people have asked so many questions, and I have so few answers.
     Lang Leav said, " I think it was like hearing every good-bye ever said to me-said all at once." I think he must know profound loss.
      I know that you never get over the loss of a child, at any time.
      I know that I daily wish for Ward to be back with us, and I get scared because, how long could he stay? What if he had to go back, I would not survive that again. So I do not wish for him to come back anymore. I see him in my dreams, and I have heard him, touched him, and woke to remember it.
      I concentrate on loving him, and have stopped asking so many questions.
      I can not wish, my wish button is gone.
      Wards light continues to shine on, though me. I honor him, by leading a full and glorious life.
      He would say, " Pick a card momma, any card!"
      There is no gambler in me, but I will step outside the box, finding joy in the living.
Elizabeth Gilbert said, " Interesting outcomes are just awful outcomes with the volume of drama turned way down!"
      The most horrible thing happened to our family, and the best thing happened. We had almost 25 years with Magic, Big Magic, Our Ward.