I Never Know

I never know when grief will surprise me, but it is wicked and pops up whenever it pleases.
I often have a handle on my heart, but she will also turn on a dime, and leave me reeling.

Just a few days back, I was having my eyes examined. As I sat, and looked around, I was overcome with gratitude about being able to see. So thankful for this ability, and doctors to keep my eyes working so well, that the waterworks began to fall. The precious, young, lady doctor, was out of the room, so I let go. By the time she returned, my chest was heaving and she was alarmed.

" Mrs. Baron, are you OK, are the drops burning your eyes?"
Whimpering I replied, " No doctor, I'm fine, its just you cannot help me?"
"There are no magic drops to bring my child into focus, no stronger lenses on my glasses to let me see my Ward again."  Grief had enveloped me at the damn eye doctors office, with my pupils, as wide as, saucers!!
The sweet doctor, listened to my story, and treated me with gentle hands, in order to give me the semi-bad news that I have cataracts growing!!! Then she proceeded to explain to me that I could blame my age for this problem, "Its common!!"she said.
"That's nice, but I am anything but common! I'm special!" lord she may have needed glasses!!!
She smiled and left the room again.
Then I heard a sweet voice, "Mom, you see me all the time, what more do you want!"

I know, I know, " I do see you Ward, and obviously I hear you, or mommy is headed to the loony bin!"
I guess.........I want to touch you, and hold you and smell you......"I miss you Ward."

My doctor returned and let me go, with my dark glasses perched on top of my regular glasses, looking like an old person!!! Jesus, that's me. (I think I heard Ward laughing!!)
I hunted in the parking lot for a LONG time, because I left the building through a different door. Honestly, don't they know my eyes are dilated, I'm getting old and I see dead people!!!
Again I hear Ward laughing, through the wind.
I sit in my car, for the longest time.
I never know when sadness will come, but I do know I will find something to laugh about.
Laughter trumps grief, always.



My Ward, I even see him, when I type!