Six Books Downloaded, I'm Packed!!!

Early morning flight to Miami, with my buds. We shall drink Cuban coffee, and tip cabana boys, who serve us well!!! Walk the streets of South Beach, with all of her colors ablaze. Satan's humidity calling me by name!
 "BONNIE (shouty capitals!!!) do you have enough things to read?" How nice of him to worry about my happiness!?? Hmm....do I?? I always like to have four or five ready to read, but on this trip, maybe I need more?? Is he testing me, I don't do well on tests!!! So I caved and downloaded two more, in case kidnapping cougars is on the rise. The Patron Saint of Dreams by Philip Gerard looks great. Short stories, work well at the beach, I can time my flip-over, makes for perfect tanning. Little choices made or ignored shape who we are, how we turn out. His Essays explore the whimsey of fate, I chose his book, and I like whimsey!!! Next one that I grabbed?, is The Emotional Life of your Brain by Harvard neuroscientist Richard J. Davidson. He says we have the power to alter our emotional style. How we perceive the world and react to it. I'm hooked, love brain books, so I'm packed!!!
"BONNIE are you sure?" what is with this Satan and my reading??
"Oh I get it, he knows I'm just going to keep reading Fifty Shades over and over!!"
Damn that devil!!! such a pest.

Awakening Joy

I recently read an article about seven simple ways to awaken Joy.
These are their ideas: Imagine Happiness
                                 Memorize Happiness in your Body
                                 Reframe your Fate
                                 Strategically Diffuse Worry ( Like that is going to happen??)
                                 Let Go of Feeling Busy
                                 Experience the Bliss of Blamelessness
                                 Seek the Good in Others
I think there are some good ideas, I like the idea of letting go of the busy feeling. I like Bliss duh!!! Imagine yourself happy(happiness in your body) NO!! I want the real thing. If your fate is constantly doing laundry, it is hard to reframe!!! I do firmly believe that Joy is not just for the lucky few.

My seven simple ways to awaken Joy are as follows:
Wear summer pajamas for longer periods of time                                                                             
Have great girlfriends who give you A Grey Tie!!!!                                                                                
Music will fix anything, it is the key to my heart                                                                              
Look for the goodness in people and lower your expectations!!! People tend to be cra-cra!!!
Read and read some more                                                                                
Six and seven, make up what your joy may be, we are all so different, and know my list is endless.........

I was walking to the sewing lady, Grace, today and the heat from the asphalt took my breath away, it was glorious. I thought what do people want, this is heaven!!!!

I was listening to some new CD, and the voice of angels filled my car, Music is Joy!!!!!!(Thanks Nat)

Bill(hubs) and I just went to a restaurant, that was awful, bad drinks, bad food, and I looked at him and said," We could be in India!!!and Brewster's in right around the corner!" 

You deserve Joy, I'm sending you some via this blog.

Two Speeds

Where has May gone? Tomorrow is the 18th, last day of school AND my last day of work. That is work outside the home!!! Retirement is a welcome friend, I just want to enjoy it!!! Which has been a slight problem, in the past. You see I have two speeds, one-climbing on the stage of The Rolling Stones Concert, or two-spending hours sitting by the ocean. I can be very still, calm or hanging from the rafters. AND soon to be sixty years of age. All these things unleashing at the same time, it is bound to be another journey, saddle up!!!

I'm ready.

The other night watching "Harry's Law", the main character, played by Kathy Bates (love,love) woke up looking like we all do, eye mask, ear plugs, breathing strips, non just f**ked hair. She gruffly said, " This getting old sucks, I miss the ages between 18 and 49!" Love Ms. Bates, but the words they give her to deliver are jewels. She just wanted a few years back, it was just perfect. I don't think I want any years back, they all molded me just so....Bonnie-ish....and I'm good with that.

The new prospect of not being in the work force, I'm good with that also.

There is Joy to be had.

Turn On A Dime

 My friend Nancy, had a daughter graduate college last Saturday, and Sunday morning her other daughter was dead. A traffic accident had swept her away from us, at the age of 25. Of course lives have been shattered, with no relief in sight, and I search for words.

How do I tell her, I love her, and I understand. I lost Ward, I did not lose Brooks. Our first born children are gone, and my ache for Nancy is that I do know. Do I tell her that she will feel insane on many days, and see Brooks face in many places. She will smell her, and hear her voice at times. Maybe I warn her that she may think all of her teeth are falling out, from gritting your teeth so much, that you think your teeth are crumbling. I think she should know that it is OK, to stand outside in the dark for hours listening to nature, and how all your senses are so tuned in. Often it is better to let someone else drive you, because for some strange reason tears flow harder when your foot is on the gas pedal!! Compassionate Friends saves parents and siblings lives after tragedies. Talking, screaming, and laughing with people who are members of this horrible group of strangers that have lost children, is healing. Continuing to work can help or not, we are all so different in our grief journey, I can only pass on my story. Shock is your friend, there is much in the first year that is just gone, and maybe that is good?  There was a "peace" that came to me, because all my fears were gone. You see, having a child die, is every mothers lifelong fear, and I had faced it, as you do now Nan-Nan. Time does not heal, its just time. Time does keep moving, and somehow we move with it.

When you are stronger(I know that seems like never) I will come stay with you for a weekend, and sit and hold you, and have you tell me all about Brooks. I want to know everything about her life of joy on this earth. We are lucky, these precious kids....our kids......we would only change the ending.

From a state away, I send my love and prayers.