What Do You Keep?

This past week, we packed up Ward's bedroom. Bill, Hart, Emma and I asked each other, "What do we keep?" When someone dies, I think the question becomes bigger. When it is a child, very big.
This day has been four years in the waiting. My dread was heavier then the task. I sat on his bed, and touched every piece of his ratty clothes. Folded his underwear, knowing that it was to be thrown away. His torn and tattered jeans, were firmly held near my heart. I kept a pair, along with all his years of artwork. Portfolio after portfolio, from kindergarten through college, a lifetime of art. I think, long and hard,did he know he had a gift? Hart kept a few things, he has hoarding issues!!! We had to laugh, or die. He found some long, lost comic hero cards, that took him to his knees. Bill stayed strong and quiet, so worried about me. Later he told me that he kept Ward's little wooden medicine bowl, that we placed his pills in, since he was little. Medicine was a blessing and a curse in Ward's life, I'm glad Bill kept his bowl. Emma was my helper, making sure that I saw everything, she would pass me over boxes, and then direct "the others" where to place things. Good-will, garbage, back in the closet, or to our personal piles, she was the boss. Ward would have laughed!!! We survived, and after two days of thinking I may need to visit the crazy place!!! the depression lifted. I have thought all week, about things that people choose to keep. We are all so different, what comforts us. I think there are very few objects that are of any importance, its the love that stays. Its the love we keep. It's the love!!!

It's Normal Idiots

My travel time to work, runs three to five minutes. Trust me when I say, many thoughts can run through my brain in that short span of time. I usually amuse myself daily, with my random roaming and detours of thought patterns. This out of nowhere blast of info this week, was so sweet. I tend to think, it may have been brought on by so many people having babies.
After my right turn, I thought, out loud!! About how much I delighted in nursing my babies. If I could just have one hour to hold them to my breast, and kiss the tops of their heads. I would sit for hours, holding them near me, feeling their hearts beating so close to mine. My cups ran over!! The nursing bras were hideous, and never really covered my torpedoes!!!! When the babies cried, here came the mighty Mississippi of milk flowing, nothing would stop the leaks. I did not read in any baby book about how all my clothes would have big wet circles of milk on them. I nursed in public and tried at first to be demure. That lasted about a day. People would have to get over it, and they did. Benjie, my brother, being the one exception. We were in San Francisco, at a restaurant, and 'B" screams, "You are NOT going to take those things out, are you?" " Not only am I going to take "them" out, but I will leave them out to air, with no baby hanging on them, if you even flinch again!" We still laugh about that dinner!!( Love my brothers so much..) Ward nursed for over two years, he was attached!!! When Hart came around, I informed him at an early age, in the hospital, that mommy would not be nursing forever, so start sucking!!! Emma being adopted was different, I wanted to hold a bottle and let Bill hold one also!!!
My drive to work, was flooded with sweet memories, a great way to start the day.
The gesture of my hand on my heart, or was I trying to feel if my milk was coming in???
Just a memory.....

Mother's Day and There Are Still Clothes In the Wash!!!

The question that haunted me all weekend was, "What is the best thing about being a mom?"
Of course, I could not choose one thing, not with raising five semi-angels.
Being a stepmom was one of the hardest mom jobs I had. I wanted to be a newly wed and get to know my husband, and he had joint custody. Plus I became pregnant a few months into the marriage. I was a 28 year young girl, thrown into Cirque du Soleil. I had two prayers, please god get me out of Pennsylvania,(truly just cold weather!) and please let me learn to love Bill's boys. It was the learn as you go, mom job. I hung in there by a thread, and some days made a noose. SO many changes in my life, and in theirs. I remember Brian one night wanted to sleep between Bill and I, and I asked "why?" He said that I always said my bed was "warm as toast!" Brian has forever made me laugh, he helped me be a better mom. Keith was so serious, graphing his Halloween candy!!! He taught me to keep working hard, that one day I would call him my first born favorite, and forget that he did not come out of my womb.
Ward came into our world, screaming, never to stop. I loved him so much that it hurt. One day when I asked him how his day at pre-school was, he said "good" in his little boy voice. Then, digging deeper, I asked what did do at school today? He was so small, twisting his hair and grabbing at mine, he said, "your hair mom, I thought about your hair!" I cut a piece of my hair, and placed it in his hands in his coffin, still my little boy. Loving him so much, that it hurt.
Soon there came Hart, four Baron boys, and a seasoned mom by then, or so I thought. Hart was and is pure joy. When he was little, I found a bugger(I don't know what else to call them!) on the bathroom mirror, I screamed for the person that had done this horrible thing, to come clean and confess!!! Of course no one did, but Hart did tell me, I should know that it is not his!! because all of his are under the top bunk bed!!! I love these kids.
You would think I was done, but no no no!! I wanted a girl, and I wanted to adopt from India, so we did. As soon as Hart was born, I think we started the paperwork. Our first daughter, Ami Grace, died before she came to us. We were her parents for about six months of her life, never to see or hold her. Her picture is near my bed, she took a piece of my heart with her, and gave me strength to adopt again. That is how our EMMA came to be. My girl, so brown and petite, and sick!! They could not find a vein to hydrate her in the hospital, I told her then, "Look kid, you survived an ashram in India, and made it to us, you are going to live." Emma Lea Reshma Baron completes our family. She is the last of our five to graduate college this December, we are proud parents of all. All five Baron children made me a happy mother, a crazy mother, a sad mother, a proud mother, a very tired mommy and a mom who still has clothes in the wash!!! It never stops, and that is my favorite thing!!

On The Fence

There are many, many very evil people in the world, are we just going to shoot all of them?
Bin Laden has died, and I'm not sad. He took a path of terror and fanaticism, he will not be missed.
To celebrate his death, like Carnival in Rio, is too much.
I think somehow he wins, to die at the hands of "The Americans" the true people who invade countries, and are the aggressors. His words, not mine, but I do pause in thought.
I don't think there is any closure for all the people who lost loved ones on that September Day. It's just a different day, grief still lingers. I think I would have preferred to capture him, and learn more about my enemy. My head tells me, that would have been impossible, we have searched for so long.
Now can we leave Afghanistan?
Bin Laden was just the brick at the top, now what happens?
I fly the American flag proudly. My love for my country is NOT unconditional, that is why I vote.
We are a Global family, remember that.
Where is the Peace? Never when you fly planes into buildings killing so many, or putting bullets in one or a few, in a land far away.