"UMA, I Want The Soft One"!!!

    My darling, almost five years old, grandson Wyatt is one of a kind!!! I have had the good fortune to watch him grow, all these few years. He literally cracks me up, and he can work a room. 

He was on the couch the other day, with snacks on hand, wanting a blanket. I gave him his PaPa's blanket.

He said , "Uma, I want the soft one, yours!!" I agreed, "Well of course you do, its new and mine!!"

(Pa Pa has my old one, passed it down) "Would you like to come get it?" the teacher in me was coming out. "No, you bring it to me." angel child spoke. " I would love to, and wrap you up and sit with you and touch your hair!!" the mother in me speaking. He side-eyed me, and said OK, but....only three head taps!!

Last night at dinner, at our favorite Mexican restaurant, he wanted the kids bowl of taco sauce. " I want my own", may have been his precious words. Of course you do, who wouldn't. I agree with him, 100%. 

Is he a tad spoiled, of course. School will teach him to share, and you can not always be first in line!! His parents have that job of balance and "no" rule. He knows, I don't play bad manners, and I most probably will sit with him in Time Out!! ( Who wants to be alone in Time Out?? Not me!!) So we talk things out.

We all have bad days, but we are good humans. I believe in fun, while you are learning and growing. Sharing is very over rated. Reading is a life saver, sports, and I tell him, I would have asked for the soft one also!!!!! More Taco sauce bowls at the table, makes sense to me, I support his ideas, and work on his delivery of them!!!

I tell him to not hurt people, learn how to grow things. Play the piano softly and loudly!! Yes Bang it out!!!! Dress up and show up with your best self, that you will find each year. Only on this earth for such a short time, and how much you have taught all of us. Uncle Benjie calls you, "Full Throttle!" and it is so you. I hope teachers , neighbors and family, embrace all of your magic. Reel you in for some of your moments, and open up the flood gates for the rest. You are a big bear in a little body. A rock n roll baby, who only plays a Fender full blast. Who is an artist, even now. Patient with paint and colors, and stays in the lines, which your Uma has never done!!

We all learn from each other, all our days.

My two other brilliant, loving, crazy grandsons, Adrian and Finn, have already heard most of Uma's pearls. I love all three of you boys so much, and I expect greatness in all that you do.

And I will always touch your hair, leave lipstick on you somewhere, support you, and pinch you, if needed!!!  This November weather has me being so thankful, and maybe a little melancholy. Time is so short, and the day is so beautiful. 

Fall leaves in Atlanta have been over the top colorful and rich, I'm headed out right now to take some photos. 

Thank you to all men  and women who are or have been in the military. 

Enjoy your day people, write your story.

B

I Have No Title

 I have a title for my little essay of nothingness, but I cannot find it. I have looked, and it was awesome, no can find. The title gives me my push, my beginning, guides me. Now you know, I may stray far and wide, but here I am with no title, so hang on....I'm pissed off from not finding the damn thing, and it still on my mind where I put it!! ugh........

Lets start with this book, The Enlightenment of Angelina by Joshua Berkov

It was precious, raw, disrespectful, lovely and like all families, more truth then we sometimes want to hear.

Hear are a few pearls...

Having children is like a game of Russian Roulette. You never know which kid is going to take you out!!

The effects of old age and illness are like predators stalking me in the dark.

Her cheese never quite make it onto the cracker.

"Try to stay present. I know it's hard, what with all that spit and vinegar rolling around in that addled mind of yours."

Cantankerous hornet of a woman!

Charlotte has always been stubborn like it was baked into her at conception.

Read it, if you can find a minute.

Book that I am almost finished with now is Finding Freedom by Erin French.

Couple of words to ponder...

The best way to avoid stepping on his wide radius of broken glass was just to keep quiet. ( gosh this happens all the time)

My depression had severed my ability to care.

A good person, in a bad place, can do things she would never imagine. ( sad)

My father saw emotions as a sign of weakness, and weakness was not masculine. ( Ugh)

Now let me tell you I thought this was a book about food and cooking!!! It said something about cooking from scratch, or starting from scratch?? Well there is food and cooking in the story, but....I think it is about survival, not to swallowed alive, and do not feed the haters, they bite.

I hope for a good ending, I will let you know. 

Next coming up is Stanley Tucci's new book, TASTE, My Life Through Food  I know this will be about food and cooking, right??? Who knows, I love Stanley any kind of way!!!

So there are three books for you and if you don't read, well, I just don't understand why not.

None of us have enough spare time, but we can make some out of thin air, if needed. Most people need a good read, try it. Books on tape, have someone else read to you.

Weather has turned cool here and I never did find my title. It all works out, Later.

B

Two Quarters and A Hurricane

  At sometime during my busy week, I ran by the tomato man. He will only be open for a few more weeks, and I may have a panic disorder over fresh fruit and vegetables!! I refuse to eat a yucky tomato, cucumber, plum, peach, I eat in seasons!! and summer left the arena a few weeks ago. Berries in the local grocery store are from, God only knows where, and they look like my Big Momma's skin!! Kuddos to those who jar and can, fresh things to eat!!!! Now if you are confused, so be it, I  am heading to a point.

My tomato man, likes cash, so I always have some on me. ( that comes from my parents, insisting that we all had to have cash on us at all times!!) ( Only dad would encourage all the bills to be in order and facing the same way!!)( For years he would ask to look at my wallet, and shake his head!!) ( I may have dollars and change scattered and smothered in my purse!! Under the lipsticks!!) 

Wait a minute....back to my tomato man, I gave him a ten dollar bill the other day, and he returned me two quarters. I had not seen change in so long, coins. I smiled and thank him, for my money.

They were shinny and felt good in my hands. Where to put them?? The cup holder of the car, now holds masks and hand sanitizer. My purse is really just a bag for lipstick and a few ID cards. Sunglasses are at rest in my bag, so where does the change go?? Well, I will just drive home and hold onto them. I will put them in a little box, to save and show my grandchildren, whom have never seen coins!!! I had my tomatoes , plums, cucumbers and two quarters. I was and am a happy girl. I show up, pay attention and love each day, the little things count!! Until.......

My husband, the beloved, stops my quarter story the next morning and asks me if I know about this Hurricane in the ocean?? I knew nothing, did not know names, where it is, where it may be going??

I think I only pay attention to things that light up my world!! So I felt a little shame, and promised to be more in tune with the world and news of the day. ( which is not even close to true) I know about some bad things, but I can't fill my brain with horror stories, or I will not get out of bed!! Depression is my companion, and I keep her at bay, with any tools I have. Tracking a damn hurricane, was not on my list, so I thanked Dr. Bill for keeping me in the loop of despair. I got up from the CNN den, and found the birdseed to feed Chip n Dale. I have taught my chipmunks, how to eat quickly and stay under the bushes from the Hawk. Bill then told me, " I was making my pets, large by feeding them so much, that the hawks will be very happy." I  told him, to turn off that news, it was making him crazy!!" Then I go upstairs to see mama Mary, who read the obits for entertainment. She is a news person, 24/7, local Georgia, Local Jacksonville, and all morning and evening news. She truly had a pretend on air love affair with Dan Rather, and my brother had him call her from the golf course!!! She loves news people.

I need sunshine and good human stories, and flowers, music, and on occasion a good tomato and two quarters!!! Having some blinders on, just ask the horse, keeps me looking forward, doing good things, and thinking about how brilliant the human race is!!! I live with Hope, Big Hope, and that, my friends, is all the change I need!! It fits in my heart, even when my purse is full.

Give Yourself Margin

 I have a couple of pretend moments of free time, to touch base with you and my thoughts.

( I write the blog for my sanity, but you never know, it may soothe your soul too)

This book, Give Yourself Margin by Stacie Bloomfield came to me via dish towels!!!

I love dish towels, especially cheesecloth, with unique design. I like to give them as gifts, they mail easy, and I love them. So you on the receiving end, may feel my love upon arrival. Stacie runs a company, called Gingiber, look it up. Love small business, run by artist.

She mentioned her book at some point of me stalking her, and I jumped. It is small and terrific, and I will pass on to someone, who can pass it on to someone else.

She mentions in order to pivot in this sweet life, we need more margin.

Make room for community, Show up, DON'T DISAPPEAR FROM YOUR OWN STORY!!!!, Listen to your gut, sit with uncertainty, the world needs all of you, and on.........and on.........

Some of her gems, I have heard a million times, some were new. I like the illustrations also, its just a pearl of a little book. Buy one for you, and pass it on.

This morning with Mary (mom) we talk for about an hour about anything that pops up. I listen to the same stories, maybe with a different twist. She asks me the same questions, and I answer with a little more detail. I often ask her, how did we get off on Barcelona, the people watching and sweet Harriet, today, we had no idea!!But it was a good story, even with the loss of Derek, the story of his passing and me watching out the window, in Barcelona, to see if his cells, and joy were off on his journey. After hearing about his death, I ran to the window, I know I saw him, like a comet in the sky far away.

Mom said, that gives me goosebumps Bonnie. I agreed, and told her I'm glad she got to hear the story.

Remember she is eating her breakfast at the same time, we are ratting about random stuff.

Then she said, " I declare..." about something, but did not finish, but that was good enough. Who says "I declare" anymore, I hollered!!!! So as I was making my bed, and getting ready to shower, I became a southern bell of crazy, seeing what went good with " I declare" ( use your Scarlett voice)

My favorite was, " I declare, he is a complete imbecile." I must have said it a million times!! crying laughing. There is so much I dislike about the south, and so much I love. You just have to find a balance of crazy that is front porch kind. AND pray for all the other swamp ignorance about racial injustice. I can not forgive some things, but I hold near to my heart the good southern roots of my DNA. Moss and sweet tea, and our use of words, southern writers are my favorite. I like heat and humidity, and cringe if I see a wife beater shirt. I played at the creek, with the best. I declare, I am a smart, strong southern, liberal, lucky, blessed and highly favored daughter of the south. I give myself margin to make mistakes and enjoy winning. 

Enjoy your Sunday, listen to people, show up!! Be kind, fair, love is love. 

Talk later

B

I Need a Few More August Days

 My brother Benjie is here to visit Queen Mary, so I have a few minutes to chat.

I just fed all the outdoor animals, birds, squirrels, chipmunks and the hawk will be thanking me later.

The HUMIDITY will take you to your knees, and make your hair look rather, pubic!!! OK, maybe not pubic, but( I cant find a word) frizzy is too simple. Let me think........coiled, wound, electric?? add your own. My hair is DNA curly, but August takes me to the circus!!!!

AND I love it!! I love beach hair, ponytail, chaos!! with a drive through beverage store, near the shore!!!

A road drink, as we Florida folks call um.

Now we are wine sippers, or sober to the core.

The reason for my blog today are two wonderful books. Little and Often by Trent Preszler,

The Comfort Book by Matt Haig. ( Now reading The Midnight Library by Matt Haig)

I have highlighted so much in these two books, that it would cruel to subject you to the entire story. You need to read these books.

Little and Often, I chose to read it, because of my child's sudden artistic, wonderment of woodwork.

My Hart, ( number 4 son) is artistic, and I did not know this. He was all sports, all day and night. I missed his artistic vein, or maybe he developed it later?? It is fun to watch. Back to the book, It is about a man, a gay man, from South Dakota !!! that late in his life, after his fathers death, build a canoe in his living room!! from scratch!! Never even held a hammer before, magic.

Brilliant stuff

Talking about his father he said, "Providing comfort was not in his nature." ( blew me away, that generation, war vets, from all the wars, maybe were just not huggers!!) ( men were suppose to be so strong, and masculine, whatever all of that means!!) ( maybe loss????)

He also said, " The imposition of structure to any story, can alter realities." ( who is telling the story, is a big deal)

One More, " My grief was complicated that way.  A mix, or anger, regret and longing." ( sweet baby Jesus)

Have I mentioned this book is about building a canoe??  Enjoy between the lines, and embraced with sawdust.

The Comfort Book ( I think that is the name) ( short term memory, went out the window!!) (and I need to turn the italics off) ( I amuse myself)

A few pearls, from this book are:

but the I is always bigger than the pain. Because the I is there even when the pain is not.

Silence is the pain.

No physical appearance is worth not eating pasta. ( AMEN)

Your value NEVER needs to be jsutified.

You are the right quantity.

TRUST me, I highlighted this entire book, so I will stop and let you decide to read this gem. ( OK, I lied)

He said, the author, " Ignorance shrinks us!" and " The cure for loneliness, isn't more people."

I promise, no more highlighted diamonds of words. Look for the words that speak to you.

Need to leave an start adulting again, Hungry people, family, animals, love all around. 

See you in September.

Last Chance Texaco

 August remains, sunny and Hot!! Not sure of the date, but it is Sunday and I need to be in the yard.

But....here I type, turning my head after every letter, it is just stunning outside. This morning I felt a twinge in the air, which, if you know me, I panic. I hold onto summer, with each cell in my body, begging it not to go.( turning my head, to look out the window) ( cleared that up) (maybe)

Mom has had a couple of weeks, of what she calls, weakness. She can't describe pain, and unlike me, she does not embellish!! I ask does anything hurt, and she can't find the words. I pray as I type, she is eating her lunch and recovering from, The Weakness!!! A shower and hair rolling do her in, however she refuses to cut her hair. So we continue on, the push and the pull, of growing older together.

If we can find something to laugh about, or look about in wonder, I consider that a positive day. NOTE..Mom Mary noticed the leaves on the trees looking different this morning. I TOLD YOU, I felt a breeze blowing.

The reason I needed to share, ( don't need a reason) is, of course a book.

Last Chance Texaco, is for Harriett and Susan, to take a looky loo.

Its for deep feelings, rock music and not all would love. It is written by Rickie Lee Jones, and if you don't know her, that is OK. A chronicle of an American Troubadour, is not all of our, cup of tea or whiskey.

The book is dedicated to her family, or whatever the call themselves at this stage of her life!!!!

Fantastic, so it is about family??? Maybe??

I loved it, knowing it would be for a select few, so happy to be in that group.

Words from this jewel-

After all these decades, life remains stubbornly mysterious.

We Do Not Ever Recover From Music. ( FACT!!!!)

I know the smell of dime store counters ( Yes)

Perpetual state of fear ( I blame hiding under our desks, as children!!) ( I could smell bombs coming)

All that hand-wringing and chanting of unfortunate memories

I left my strength on the lunch tray, that day ( YES)

The heart is always that one summer night....( AMEN and AMEN)

Some of us are born to live lives on an exaggerated scale. Even as children we have a larger suitcase in which to carry all the things that will one day be on our backs!!!! ( HONEY, this is trunk worthy!! words)

We had a map of maybes ( that caused me, to hold my heart)

The greatest moments of life simply slide off our skin like fairy dust. They do not have weight. The hurts and sadness and tragedy embed our lives!!

every single moment, every accomplishment, deserves a hallelujah

Family will break your heart, period

I am here to listen to you mom. Imagining all that you were-humble, kind, innocent, vulnerable and tenacious. ( Maybe Ricky Lee was with her mom at the end of her life)

OK, I am back to my voice, outside of italics. Turning off my Kindle, phone and computer, to stroll outside for awhile. We had a big pine tree removed this week, and I asked the tree men, to leave me a tall stump. I need to sit by it for a spell, make a bird area, thank it for being with us for 31 years. It smells like Christmas in August, in my yard. To me, that is the best of both. Enjoy your day, sit outside, write or call an elderly person you know, ( I think that includes my young 69 year old self!!) (yikes)

Read a book, write a book, play with a toddler or dog!!

Get a vaccine, for yourself and others, we are the village.

Love

B

Black Tie Optional, Just Like Life

 Roaming around what is on TV or on streaming devices ( what does that mean??) I come across some fun stuff.

Never before have I seen 'Parks and Recreation', and it has had be howling with laughter. Not BBC laughter, but hooting an octave above, tee-hee!!

Acorn TV is my favorite, I love The Brits and their wicked sense of humor. 

Netflix, Amazon, Disney, Hulu, truly I do not know what they all are, but by George, I can find something!! HBO Max, Tennis and Golf channel. Binge watching is delightful, if you can squeeze in the time.

Black Tie Optional, title of this blog, came from Parks and Recreation, and I thank thee!!!

My only daughter asked me recently about a dress if it was, Cocktail ready? I bought her a gauze shawl, and said it is now. There is not a lot of dress up, its dress down period. Black Tie Optional, I think includes flip flops now!!! I encourage all to dress for some kind of success, even if getting up out of bed, is your only activity. Put on the good clothes, show up!! Perfume the air around you and soak it up. I look very together, to  type this blog today!! Not fancy, just clean and crisp and lipstick on!! Earrings On, hair in a top knot, beach hair!! Its summer.

Yesterday I showed mom some cute shoes, I found in my closet. She loved them, tried them on, and we agreed that they were darling. She then asked me, why I had another pair in my hands, to take downstairs. I told her, these darling shoes, I have on, are 30 minute shoes, at tops!! Just to dress up a tad, until I cant take it anymore, and cave to comfort!! She laughed. They did not even make 30 minutes, however I did leave them downstairs, in case I wanted to slip them back on, to struck my stuff a little, on my way to the laundry room.

Life is hard, we have to make our own joy, even if it is less then 30 minutes. 

I wish you could see my earrings, very cute, birthday present to myself. Multicolored, Freida looking crosses, hanging low!!! I can not have enough beads or crosses, keeping Jesus on my hot line.

So many people needing prayer, my list is long, and I love all these humans. I lift you all up, and know its our fathers will, and The blessed Mother's help, to hook you up!! I'm just a prayer vessel, sending out help us!! 24 hrs a day!!

My prayer last night, was, HONESTLY Lord, there is a lot going on, I can not wrap my head around it. I leave it at the foot of the cross. He smiled, I felt it, and told me to go to sleep. I fixed my pillows, and

spoke again,  Mother Mary, I trust a women in high places, who can multi task, "You heard me too, right?" " Love You"

Black Tie Optional, I am going to be dressed for the dance, at all times!!

I am FIVE!!!

 To begin this story, I will give you a code.

B=me, Uma, Bonnie, Bon-Bon, Sistah, Daughter, wife

W=Wyatt, Honey Bun, Muffin, Firecracker, Love bug

Time line, last week-ish

June, Summer, 2021

B-Wyatt, I'm going downstairs to paint, want to come?

W-running down the stairs, Yes.....

B- I bought you this new table and chair, to put next to me, so we can paint together. ( out grew his easel somewhat)

W-touching everything...can I use your paints?

B-No, let me find some older tubes of watercolor and I think I bought some for you. Also you can use real watercolor paper.

W-Oh..Where is my brush and water jar?

B-Where do you think?

W-he gets up to go in the bathroom where we wash things out.

B-Can you reach the water to fill up the jar?

W-No, I need help! He may be climbing the sink at this time.

B-I notice my expensive sable brush next to his, I go to grab it, he says, " I wan't that one."

I know you do, but that is mine. The new table, and chair, new paints, and your old brush should work good.

W-don't forget new paper! ( oh lord jesus, he forgets nothing) ( that was me talking in hyphens)

B-this is fun, to paint so close, and use the same supplies? right?

W- I want to squeeze the tubes. 

B- Can you squeeze a little? Its can be hard?

W-Yes I can!! ( Big plop in each painters palette!!)

B-Ok, I'm going to paint also, maybe the ocean or sky? What do you think it looks like so far?

W- the ocean without fish

B, OK I will add some fish, ( I look and there is about three shades of green on this paper)

B-What are you painting? A tree?

W-(Big sigh) The color green Uma!!! Can't you see it?

B. Well yes I can, and its fantastic.

W-Did you know I am five?

B-No, I think you are four.

W-No I am FIVE. ( he got up to stand by a table) See, how tall, I am FIVE!!

B-Well, I guess you are. Are you sure?

W-Yes I am sure, ( he holds up his green picture) ( no words, just a look) ( like you are the artist Uma, who can paint green like this?)

B-You can be five, today, tomorrow, I don't care, Five is wonderful, and you an be five twice, if you like.

W- told you..

B-Do you know I love you?

W-Yes, Yes I do, can I paint something different?

B- Yes you can,( you big Five, four year old.)

.

A Giant Pause

 I would like to let you know, that I have never, NEVER sat at my laptop and it worked. Either some hands have touched it, updated some crazy stuff, or I don't know the answer. I just want to write and often, can not. The hubs is the only person here to fix things, and he just wants to do it, not teach me. He found my blog this morning, even he doesn't know where it was, and by then my sweet disposition has gone away.

So I am giving you far warning, words from my mouth may be tinted in angst.

I pre-write a lot of my thoughts, but when there has been a giant pause, like all of May, it is a hot mess to gather and connect any dots. Hang On!!

I lost a friend to Covid in May, and it crushed my heart. We lost our dog, Lucy in May, to which I will never recover. Mom has had good and bad days, and I am not sure which side is winning. I just want her to be OK, whatever that means. My brother, Benjie, has had a horrendous month with Atrial Fib, and ablation, and still having episodes. He is my only sibling left, and my best friend, all stress stores in my neck, so as of this point, I can not turn my head!!! So I look for Small Victories as per Anne LaMott.

The mail is still exciting for my mother, and I have that DNA. I love getting sweet, unexpected things, cards, letter in the snail mail. Small treasures, waiting for opening.

During May I received a letter, from Saint Paul, Minnesota. I pride myself with knowing friends all over the states and abroad, so I have a built in place to rest my head. BUT...I told Bill, hubs, before I opened, that I know no one, from this state. Knew someone with the last name, but not the first on the return address label. No clue, so my heart was full when I read. It was a thank you from the daughter of Grace Dawkins, my friend from when I first got married and moved to Pa. She lived across the street from my 28 year old self. She had raised her family, Coby was in high school, all others were gone, and later I found out she lost a 15 year old daughter. I kept up with Mrs. Dawkins, for 41 years now, and had lost touch, the past few years. I just assumed she had died, she would probably be in late 90's?

This Thank you letter, was letting me know, how much Mrs. Dawkins had appreciated my cards and letters. Her daughter, I guess found them, and our address. Grace died of Alzheimer disease March 6 of this year. She lived with her daughter during the pandemic. There was a photo of Mrs. Dawkins smelling and looking at plants, with her husband, patting her back. I think Grace died many years ago, when she lost her daughter. Her yard was a wonderland of plant life, in honor of her daughter. She hand dug, a HUGE pond, daily for years, putting each rock in, the entire pond, All the plants had stories, and reason for placement. She taught me 80% of what I know about nature and plants. ( My other neighbor Mr. Balderston, on the side of us, taught me the rest) She was Eccentric beyond the E!!!! She laid a path of stones under her massive forsythia bushes that lined her fence, for her dogs, to have a nice path to run and lay their heads. I would find her on many occasions, eating peanut butter out of a jar, sitting in the sun, just thinking. I loved her, to her core. My babies ran around her yard, with joy, and I soaked up all she offered.( Note, she did not buy the stones in her yard, she found them!!) She had long hair put up, salt and pepper, and one day she got hot, and off it came. She just grabbed something sharp and randomly cut off swatches of her hair. One day, while in her kitchen, I noticed that the fridge was open, and not running, she said, its not really needed. One day I went into her living room, and their was blood all over the wall and chair, I said, "Mrs. Dawkins, geez, what happened?" Her cat was hurt, and scratching and she was doctoring it. She was not going to clean the blood off, until the cat was finished with her mess. Mrs. Dawkins meandered though her life, loving the earth and all its creatures. One of her many dogs, had escaped the yard, and had died, next to our screened in porch. She was so happy, he had chosen being close to us, to pass on. She thanked us for giving him a space to leave this earth. She loved my babies, and me. I will never forget that rare bird of a human. I gather pussy willow to this day, because she gave me some, every year when her tree was in bloom.  Her heart was broken, and yet she lived so in touch with her grief, pouring the pain into her yard, and watching it grow into a masterpiece  of love. I will frame my photo of Grace Dawkins, and know she is in utter joy, I know that much for sure.

( I will try and take a photo of my photo, but getting it on this blog, well I don't know if there is hope!!)

I think it is June outside, Small Victories, are big.

love,love,love

B

Where Did April Go?

     There is a tornado warning in Atlanta right this minute, and I have begun to type. I am sitting right next to a window, because I want to see the beast if its coming for me. I do not have the personality to wait to see, who is behind the curtain in the Emerald City!!! I will yank that curtain back. Who in the OZ does he think he is, I have fought off flying monkeys and green witches!! A tornado, please.... I will go downstairs, at the first flying cow and tractor I see.

I paint and write, to lose myself . Picasso, had a singular mission to paint. Everyone in his path suffered for it. I pine for time to paint, I would love to paint from morning to night. but life comes at us humans!! Full speed, I need to put the clothes in the dryer, right this minute. My mind is trying to figure out what we are having for supper, at 10: in am!!! I have been outside to check on my plants, who are thrilling my insides, making sure they are in line for some good rain. Made an appointment for Lucy the Lab, who has not had food, a tad, in four weeks. We have been to the vet twice now, and I had a Come To Jesus, with them this morning. I want an, in office visit, I can not do drive by vet treatment anymore. So we will go see them at 3:30, I know my old girl is not OK. AND.....Did I tell you my only daughter, Emma got engaged, and I am neck deep in wedding planning for May 21, next year!!!! It all Joy, Joy, JOy, but....

its consuming. ( In a good way!! Picasso, never had to do any of these things!!) ( a singular purpose!!)

Focused on his art!! I am scattered, trying to find time for my art. AND I will. I raised five children, I can find the time. Oh Wait, now mom is here too, God Bless her bones!! I think I will have to go downstairs to paint at night, its a thought. 

I was going to tell you about the new David Sedaris Book, The Best of Me. All Sedaris is good to me.

There are many things that I highlighted but you know I am on tornado watch, so I will leave you with a couple.

1. Once he hit thirty, a hardness would likely settle about his mouth and eyes, but as it was---at twenty -nine-- he was right on the edge, a screw top bottle of wine the day before it turns to vinegar!!!

2. Lisa would shoot to the top of her field, earning a masters degree in manipulation and eventually taking over a medium size country.

David is special and I mean that in so many ways!! Negative and Positive, SPECIAL.

And I know what you are thinking. Bonnie, You read three books a week, their is your painting time!!!

I have many irons in the fire, that feed me. It seems to be which one do you pick up, and how hot is the poker!!

Wonderful chaos, enjoy that Mr. P, I will get to singular time, one day. AND I will not take up cubism!!

Love

B

No Title

  I seem to always begin with a title, and go from there. A main idea or five, to corral my thoughts.

  No such luck today. I have about eight different stories to share, and no dots to connect, and here comes my rambling. ( I need to learn how to vlog, so I can just talk to you, and blast my thoughts all over the heavens!) ( Bon talks, instead of Ted talks) However I will try to hit the keys, and purge my soul.

The lawn people are cutting the grass before the rains come, and I feel intruded upon. Yet so very thankful for these wonderful people. Also for some strange reason, my beloved is watching a movie in the computer room with me. Not good, we have a TV in every room of the house, why this room? I also hear his computer keys clicking, I may not be able to think or write at all!!

Let me just throw this out here. My dad trained me to watch all the Oscar movies, every year. So I do. We just finished the last one, Minari. It is a Korean film, in Korean, so branch out people and use sub titles. It is fantastic, in a slow moving molasses kind of way. Sad, funny, different, touching, (sitting here thinking of better adjectives)Worthy!!! yes Worthy, you need to see it. You will have to rent it, pretend you are going on a date to the movies, with yourself or your better half. This truthful, decent, film will stay with you. 

Now for a quick heads up Sound of Metal blew me away! Again, a very pure movie, off the beaten path of popular movie hoopla. No Marvel Comic book hero's, or is there? There are many different kinds of super people, broken people who heal. WATCH this movie.

Judas and The Black Messiah, holy mother, so many movies that are required viewing. We have to learn to be better humans. What you read and watch, stay with you. It is important for your growth at any age, to keep trying to be better, WATCH IT!!!

The Father, all of us are old, oldish, or knocking on heavens door. Here is another jewel, about dementia and caregivers, and Sir Anthony Hopkins. GEEZ Louise, need I say more.

There are other oscar movies this year, that chances are you have seen, the more seen ones. ( I think I have written about those in the past, like Nomadland) There are many things we have watched during Rona prison, or Covid Vacay. These few I jotted down, all eyes should see.

They touched my soul, in many kinds of ways, joy comes in many forms.

Hope you take the time to explore the movies, this past year.

Hubby is doing something on the ground with cords, with his computer, so I have to close. I think my neck is getting tight!!

Love to you on this Saturday and every Saturday.

B

NEXT blog will be about Hemingway, I have gone down the rabbit hole of Ernest again, after Ken Burns three part series on this man. PBS, Hope you saw that to, so we can discus, next time. Maybe later today, when all these people in my life, stop moving around.

Love

BBB

A Chill in This Here Air!!

   This may be the first day of spring, however, as my three layers of clothes, are telling me different.  

   I had my plant landscape design on paper, and list of needed plants to buy, until I opened the door. I cannot work in the dirt, so I will blog my frustrations. Not so true, but I have a few minutes to tell you about some reading I have been feasting on.

Here is my list on the Kindle

The Four Winds by Kristin Hannah

The Sweet Taste of Muscadines by Pamela Terry

Klara and The Sun by Kazuo Ishiguro

Between Two Kingdoms by Suleika Jaquad

Caste , The Origins of Our Discontents by Isabel Wilkerson

These are my March Reads. ( Are we in March) ( Two of these may have been started in February, not that it is a big deal)

There are two hardcovers that I read down in the art studio, ( too cold to paint) I am not going downstairs to look at the covers for titles, One was good, but I think I have read it before, about a Widow, and the other one, just looks good sitting on the table!!!!

This at least gives you some choices, to reach for, if you like.

Very different reads.

The Four Winds is during the depression and a dust storm, I had to put it down several times, because I felt dirty and could not breathe. Here are some lines.

The sky is so gray it could smother a soul. ( now you see what I feel!!) ( Dust bowl)

We draw our strength from the very despair in which we have been forced to live.(???) ( Some people fill stuck or forced to live a certain way, or in a desperate climate, time period?) ( I say, keep moving, adapt or change!) ( these people were poor and poor!) ( maybe you just stay?)

To damage the earth is to damage your children. ( I believe that, deep in my bones. Take care of the earth and its people. Animals, trees, oceans!! Air, ramble on....thought)

Between Two Kingdoms is about cancer, not a book I would look for, it found me. I love to read about how the human spirit survives in Dust or Damn Disease. All forms of grief and loss, I read, to try and understand, how I have survived the loss of my child. I think reading these books, make you have empathy and learn how to be stronger yourself, in everyday life.

Here are some lines.

To lose a child is devastating, unimaginable, impossible tragedy to live through. ( Fact)

We tell ourselves stories to live. ( telling stories, is survival and life lived to its fullest)

( All words in parenthesis are mine, if you get confused)

Write, we are all terminal. ( Very powerful)

My fear was alive, I could smell its wet fur in the room and feel the chuffing of its breath on my skin.( this was the way the cancer patient described her pain in the hospital. I feel it!!)

We are born needing care and we die needing care.

Dreaming in watercolor. ( that sounds fantastic )

The only way to endure suffering is to transform it into art. ( YES)

To witness a childs death is a hell too heavy for the fabric of language. ( Lord, that is beautiful)

It is the certainty of NEVER that hurts the most. ( I will end on that, it was the never on earth they were writing about. Some of us believe we will see our loved ones, at another time. I do believe the journey is forever.)

Well enough now, I just told you about a couple of good ones. The others I have listed are sharp in all kinds of ways, also. Have fun, read a book, write your on narrative, Love each other.

AND when its cold out, write.

Peace 

B 

 

    

  

Season Tickets

  I have decided that I am going to buy season tickets to all venues. Concerts, plays, sporting events, Carnivals and Zoos, all lifetime memberships renewed and added on!! I care not, who is playing what where, I am going. Ballets, geez, everything bag pipers blow, count me there. My insides and brain, are starving for what feeds my soul. I may go to all churches and pray without ceasing, I need the church pews and the word. I think I will continue to wear a mask for ever, I feel like this winter no one even had colds, that speaks volumes. We are all shot up with the vaccine, and hope it works some, but I think the mask will remain. Truthfully, I don't mind social distancing that much either. We become a tad more isolated as we age, and that suits me. I just need some live music and theatre, with some Jesus and dance thrown in.

  I think it is the month of March, so this will be a quick blog, the sun is shinning and is calling my name, OUT LOUD!!!!

Last weekend, or whenever it was, my Wyatt ( grandson number 3) was spending the night. He went to bed, good, I laid with him awhile, we have much to discuss. After a few minutes or 30, I slowly moved to downstairs, and later my bed. Around 2:30 am, I hear a voice, UMA!!! I jump out of bed, run to his room.

I say, " Honey what is the matter? Do you need to go Pee-Pee?" As he stands in the door he says, " Why did you leave me?" OMG are you shame/quilting me right now, at age 4, I thought. Kuddos buddy, work the system, because Uma is in the bed now!! He went back to sleep quickly, after looking over the blanket twice to see if I had skipped out on him again!! I touched his little head, and prayed, while smiling. Lord, I lay my hand on this precious angel, please cover him in your armor, maybe two layers!!

AND lord, if you have anytime to cover me, make it be a good dream for the remainder of my night.

Best dream in 68 years of living, I will not share all details, Mother Mary reads all my stuff!!

(why the double spacing?? who knows, I will not stop to fix it) Just know there was an Island involved, FAO Swartz toys, and no ferry service back to America!! Stranded with someone whom may have had dreadlocks and " How shall I say?" a Guitar!! ( code name for Guitar? or ?) I had on a baby blue evening gown, and as usual was looking for a bathroom. Vault material, and memories. It must be summer, and The good lord, knew I had been housebound for over a year. 

God is good all the time

love

B

I promise to tell you about some books, that I have been sucking down, later, be sweet or at least try

 

The Rabbit Hole of Covid, or Crazy Rona!!

 You need to understand, I wish for all of my people, to have a cup of coffee with me every morning!!

Family, friends, neighbors, actors that I think are my friends, singers, dancers, people who do a good job on my house, artists ALL!!, Wake up with me, and talk.

   For instance, I have my coffee, hubs is in his chair, watching God awful news, its dark, with just a small light on, (thank you Alexa) I sit.

  A few sips of Joe in, I ask Bill, " Have you ever wondered about Cow feet?" " You know hooves, or whatever they call their feet?" " Horses have hooves, maybe cows too?" " Anyway, has that crossed your mind? ( Dr. Baron from Princeton!)

 With his eyes closed, "No".

So I continue...….."For some reason, on You Tube, I found myself watching people fix cow hooves, and its fascinating!" " They have two hooves, is that were cloven hooves comes from?? Any way, they have so many problems, and it makes me feel terrible." " They have special machines, and tools, and dig out, horrible things, oh lord, I have gone down the rabbit hole of Hooves!!!" " I SWEAR I was watching Poldark information, that is important, and there it was Cow Hoof people." " So I glanced, and went deep, where is my Ross and Demelza??" " I did not stay on it long, maybe 25 cows or so, and I had to get onto something else, I had a fear, of becoming a vegetarian." I sat quiet for a minute, my darling was snoring, I thought some more. " Artists in their studio!, I felt such a relief." So for another 10 minutes or hours, ( nah, just a few minutes) I worked with Picasso, Monet and Freida. I rearranged my studio a million times, and am convinced you have to not have children or the need to wash clothes, to be a true artist. I really enjoyed The Painters of Monhegan Island, watch if you desire. So sweet a way to drink coffee, and wake to the world.

      I then asked The Dr. did he know of the area in Maine, this island, of artists. He replied, "No, do you want me to look it up??" ( by now its 5:30 am!!) and ever so gently I said, " NO, you were not interested in my hooves, I will research this island myself." He coughed and said, " What hooves are you talking about, Farmer Bonnie!" ( He did not say farmer bonnie, but I know he was thinking it!)

" Its all good, go back to sleep, I will remain with my Covid/Rona brain, of exploring, adventure and 

lust!!" Happy Thursday to me.

  Now you see why I wish, you would just come visit someday, have a cup of coffee, and discuss all things in the world with me.

Hooves to Artists and all in-between.

Life is wonderful.

I promise

B

Red Table Talk, with a Few Stains!!

    It is believed that I am an early riser. 

    Today I woke up at 3am, out of bed around 4:30ish, ( this is two days ago blog) and slipped downstairs to the sound of a tennis ball hitting a racquet. I was elated, that my mantra for meditation, was on the telly.

Australian Tennis Open, I can close my eyes and hear where the ball hits. It is nirvana for me, and who doesn't like a good "grunt" sound anytime. 

I thought long and hard about my friends, knowing me so well, thinking.....well Bonnie is happy this morning!! It comforts me to have wonderful friends, at all different times in my life. A plethora of beauty, wealthy in humor, excellence in smarts, sassy britches, darling, precious girlfriends. Loose change gals, all topics are on the table. Deep, hard, gut-wrenching questions answered. Laughter coming from your toes, spewing stories all over the place. I think we need to start a Pod Cast!! When I say tennis or Tucci, I need not say more, you know where I am going with this feed. Pasta, Pablo and Baby Jesus....I never have to explain...my friends...just hop on the love train with me.

While watching, my tennis, the announcer was full tilt Scottish, or Liverpool London, and I wondered out loud to the hubs, mentioning that I would follow that voice anywhere!!! I got nothing, Hmmmm Brad?Johnny Macks brother, mumbled darling Bill Hubs. NO, ( remember its early) that man who is spoon feeding me, the details of the match in a thick beautiful tongue of somewhere!! Where are my girls??

All I would have to say is, Scottish, London, Poldark, Outlanders, tennis...….any of those, they would know exactly my thoughts. Fashion, raising children, animals, Dryness, Tree climbing Simon from Bridgerton , Oh my girls, you are all, so important to me. My heart bursts with love, our lists our huge, and our secrets are safe. From Church nursery school, Norwood, Kirby, Jackson, University Hospital, Methodist Hospital, Methodist church, Episcopal church, Neighborhoods, North and South, East and West, Holcomb Bridge Middle School, Taylor Road Middle School, Autry Mill Middle School. Every year of my earthly life, I have shared everything with my friends, I love you all to the moon and back, and maybe more!!

Who would have ever thought that an early morning tennis game, with a darling mans voice, could bring you all to my mind!!

You know the answers, and that my friend, is priceless!!! 

I love you all  

I Have Endured A Cornucopia Of Trauma

 Schitts Creek keeps on giving, thank you Moira Rose. ( above title to my blog)

I truly don't think I have had a lot of trauma, but then I remember, yes I have. The end of your life, kind of pain at the loss of a child. However....I believe the Cornucopia of trauma that MR speaks of is everyday

stress that we turn into bad things. Covid, lack of vaccinations, cold weather, January, that is what Moira is talking about. As my friend VB would say, " Girl your burden is huge!!"

January brings with it a magnet of gloom, and the political climate with all her grievances, weigh down my soul!!! Fear seeks in every corner, and that makes my job of finding joy, so much harder. I will not stop looking.

  Yesterday morning, as I was telling mom, I was so happy to find a new razor, and toothbrushes!! It was thrilling. Then after my bath, I sprayed on my perfume from Paris, and I paused with a grateful heart, where this smell took me. I read my 7 books of devotions, a few pages in each, and the sun was out. Surly I could not find anything to whine about??? I was on a mission of positive thoughts.

I go to the dermatologist to have my, Florida baby oil, skin cancer mole removed. The office was on point, triage out in the hall, wide space between three other people, and quick removal!! The doctor told me I was smart to get this mole looked at, I reminded him I was from Florida, we know our moles, and lack of sunscreen our entire life!!!

I was in and out in less than 10 minutes, happy, happy, joy, joy. ( no, I don't know if it is skin cancers, they save that for later)

Radio blaring, I make a note to tell Emma, I miss our road trips, and sing-a-longs.

I return to my home, and see the card on my desk, that I need to write. A sympathy card for a friend, who just lost her daughter, in her early thirties. Damn Cornucopia, real stuff. I wish I had words to tell her, that it will get easier on some days, but then I would have to say, some are just raw like January.

Maybe I will tell her, shock is her friend, and just lay with your grief, it will become a part of your being. I would also say, parent her memory, we never stop being their parents.

I was still sitting, 20 minutes later, I can not write it yet.

Maybe when I finish with you readers, I will, no promises, traumas lurk.

So on that day, my positive day, again talking to Mary mom, I told her my song of the morning wake up call, was Dancing Cheek to Cheek. I told her of an idea I had, that maybe they have Fred Astaire people that you could rent? ( Good idea, right??) ( or is that an escort service) Anyhow, I just danced with myself, on the hardwood floors, with socks on, pretending someone named Fred had a firm hand on my back telling me where to go. ( think Dr. B, hubby was at the grocery store!!) ( he is a saint but..) ( I needed Fred)

The day was lovely, my Moira came through, all dressed up and filled with crazy words, to get me through the day. AND an hour of Sam Cooke helped ease me on down that positive road.

whatever it takes.

Good food, music, Jesus, my cup is full and I am blessed with a cute cup to drink from.

Namaste and Hallelujah !!!!

This Time Next Year We'll Be Laughing by Jacqueline Winspear

Well the time for laughing is now, and its hard to come by. 2021 is here along with last years baggage.

It will take time, work, and more work and prayers beyond my beads!! 

So far the Christmas decos are down, to the tunes of Tracy Chapman, which was a listening pleasure.

The dust under all the decorations, sent me to grab an inhaler. Wheezing from Christmas dust, God did not think this through. Baby Jesus birthday should be in summer, with the AC humming.

I like to leave a little bit of Christmas up, in case of emergencies. This year a little tiny bottle brush tree made the cut, and a darling white feather owl ornament. Sometimes, a person just needs to be reminded of the manger!! The spirit of Christmas, does not all need to be boxed up. It took me five days, and a sore back, to put this holiday away. I feel lonely without the lights, but....I like the clean, semi less clutter of the hoopla. Once the paper and bows, are off!! Done and Done.

We all had a lovely holiday, small and funny. It always helps to have a little child around, to make it so.

Our Wyatt, age 4, opened everyone's gifts and loved them all!!!

I like my gifts from my husband, that I buy every year. Something I have done for forty years, after I got a robe that Big Mama would have worn. Also that same year, he gave me a book, that I was reading right in front of his eyes!! He has no problem with wrapping my gifts, and I thank him very much for his good taste. It works.

While cleaning under the pine boughs, I talked to Ward, his ashes are in a delightful clay jug/jar on the mantle. I reminded him, of how much we miss him, and caught him up on Baron family gossip. Kissed his container of love, and cursed the huge project of packing away memories, again.

My mom, had a great Christmas, a lot of presents and food, and love. She ventured downstairs to partake of the gathering, and I reminded her that I keep earplugs, in a drawer near me, if she needed to tune us out!! ( run on sentence is for James to correct) ( Your welcome, my fellow Jackson Graduate)

January are all of my grandsons birthdays, and my sweet sister Trudy Babe. Reasons to celebrate are plenty, and keep us going.

I celebrate each day, loving and living large.

Happy New Year, make it count.

And throw in some Tracy Chapman, a few Christmas decos, and a whole lotta love.

B