Paint with a Broad Stroke

While trying to avoid cruising through life on auto pilot, October is sneaking up on me.
Come September, daily routine wraps me up. October begs me to pause. It reminds me to stop painting with just the broad strokes, and throw in some details!!! October speaks to me, and I think???? says, "Look closely, wayward angel!!!"
So that is what my October plan is. Breathe and look closely.
Being mindful. It sounds good in print!!!
So I began, by decorating my house for October, pumpkins are out and about. Candy apple and pumpkin scented candles are blazing. I'm ready October, come on!!!!
Each season I have framed photos of the kids growing up. Each season, I bring them out. So while the skeleton tree was coming together, out came the Halloween photos, and fall photos of my babies.
The above photo, of the boys, always makes me smile. I was mindful then!!!
I remember dressing them, and the feel of their clothes. I can smell that particular Pennsylvania day. I recall how heavy Hart was to lift, and how Ward would pose for all the photos. The pumpkins were almost too picked over, but we found some orange jewels, and loaded up the car. It was magic, there were details, and I remember them!!!
The fact that they fought all the way home, and over whose pumpkin was the best, and were hungry and tired and dirty, I have blocked out completely!!! My mantra, "Concentrate on the photo Bonnie!!"
Ward will have been gone thirty-nine months, this October. I'm grateful for my memories, and with each season, I'm reminded of our loss. Being mindful, means remembering everything, good and bad, and still loving October when it comes.

IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!!!

It's really Sunday evening, I never watch shows on the right day or night.
So this morning, with the newspaper and java, I watched SNL.
The show has been on 36 years, I think?? It was early morning, and I was working the clicker!!!
Saturday Night Live is family, another dysfunctional member, that I love.
Amy Poehler was the host and it was HILARIOUS. Totally disrespectful to all people, and so wrong, and yet so very right.
Four new cast members, joined present and past cast members for a reunion. A family reunion, minus Gilda and John, and a few more of the OLD people!!!
The Bronx Girls, Gay weddings at the Mosque at ground zero, Weekend News, Katy Perry in a Elmo shirt showing ta-tas galore!!! The bit with balding people and hair transplants, getting extra hair from the "hoo-hoo area" caused me to fall to the floor. They grew patches of "pubes" on top of their head. Seriously funny, soooo I saved the program for Bill to watch.
Please tell me why I try???
We were watching it "together", me screaming and Bill looking like Bob Newhart!!
"Are you laughing?" "Don't you think this is funny?"
Bill, " I was laughing, but you can't hear me, because you are laughing so loud!"
Looking at Bill, " This is LOUD funny!!!"
Then we both laughed at each other.
SNL, you still make me laugh, thank you, thank you, thank you!!

As of Late...

As of late, my reading has almost come to a halt, due to work!!!
Work is interfering with my creative side, and my reading time. The balance between work and pleasure has grown WIDE, and I'm weary, worn down and a tad mean!!!
Reading is my escape, my day at the spa, and I need some attention.
So I turned the TV off, and found a great book.
Knowing Jesse by Marianne Leone, is a gift. A gift that everyone should have a chance to experience. Her son had a seventeen year battle with cerebral palsy and died. The book is about his life, her family and a journey that none of us can imagine. Her son was non-verbal and she describes their communication as subtle as the song of a whale, and as complex and yearning as the trumpet of Miles Davis. She was taught to not listen for words, to hear what is under the words. The sounds that her child murmured. Her son , Jesse, never walked, he had seizures daily, and she saw her child, her beloved child. Just like I saw , my Ward.
I would suggest this book to all people in education, especially special ed, but all teachers are special ed teachers, aren't they?
I would suggest that all medical personal read this book, and all mothers who have lost a child.
I left my body, when my son left his. Yet you keep moving, you persevere. This book is about perseverance in the face of adversity, it is for all to read.
Jesse touched my life, he was a gift to me. His mother's unconditional love set to words.
Sometimes we just need to turn the pages of another person's life, and make make my weary mind take pause.

Who Are These People?

Anticipating my forty year high school reunion, this October, has made me question my sanity!!! I can barely recognize names on facebook!!!! and faces, PLEASE, all those seventeen year olds are gone, and I'm leading the pack!!!
We were all baby tigers, and now life has seasoned us. Some good, some bad, different political views, grown children and grands, well seasoned!!!
The funny thing is that we will always be connected, The class of 70.
Teenage angst and drama. Extremes run amok. Happy or sad, no in between.
Boo-Hoo if someone hurt your feelings or broke your heart. Happy, happy, Joy, joy over everything else. Passions were high. All was new to us, all these euphoric feelings, lust was in the air. Our heads were spinning, and not over Math class.
Football and make-out sessions were front lobe center.
It was magic, those years, and you can not bring it back, BUT......we can try.
I look forward to seeing my friends, with new eyes, and the same love I have always felt towards so many.
Many hugs, and tears and love will be shared with each story.
Let the party begin, we still have the magic!!!!

My Girl, Talking 'bout My Girl!!!....My Girl!!

Having babies is not easy. Adopting babies, still, not easy.
We were the proud parents of four boys, yours, mine and no more.
But......I had always wanted to adopt.
I always wanted to be a nun, but I came to my senses, did we need more children???
When Hart was born, Bill and I started "the conversation."
I did not want to go through life, without a GIRL!!! and India was the only country that would let me choose the sex, so India it was. Mother Theresa had better find me a precious baby girl, and soon.
Our first little girl, Ami Grace, did not live to be with us. She died of heart complications, a few weeks before coming to the United States. So you know me and signs!!! I thought it just was not meant to be, and fell to my knees, "God, it was you who helped us through this adoption process, Damn-it, ( The lord knows, I like curse words) So fix it, I want to be a mother again, and these boys are wearing me OUT!!!.
Two days later, the agency bought over this picture of little Reshma, and she was mine. Now the wait, never a strong part of my personality. August came, and at the Philadelphia airport, the nuns handed me my daughter. EmmaLea Reshma Baron was home. She was underweight, and sick, with a head full of lice, and the most beautiful thing I had ever held.
Twenty-two years ago, a young mother took her baby to the ashram, so it could be cared for. Her love was so strong. That is about all we know of Emma's family in India, but what a wonderful thing to know your birth mother was so loving, and wise.
Twenty-two years, of allowing me, all of us, to show our love, and call her ours.
I have told her every day, she is the best.
Happy Birthday Em-Em, I love you, Dad loves you, Keith loves you, Brian loves you, Ward loves you, and Hart loves you.

Hanging on to Summer by a Thread!!!!!

I'm trying hard not to be angry, I hated President Bush and all he stood for, but I respected the office. Lately people, are not being respectful to our president.
Republicans, tea bag people, worshiping at the alter of wealth and greed, in Jesus name, freak me out!!! I would like to blog about it, but it's just to painful a subject.
Today our president, spoke to school children, of all ages. Welcoming them to a new year of learning. Our school system, and I suspect others, gave the children a choice to listen to the president or not. Parents actually lobbied for this. This was not a political speech, children should respect the office. Why should they, when their parents don't?
I have to say that out of about 1300 students, about 60 took a seat in the media center to not watch him on tv. Not a very diverse section of our society, sat there.
A mockery of our commander and chief. Shame, shame.
My parents did not vote for Kennedy, but if he came on TV, we all gathered around the TV. My father would say, "It's the President, get in here!!!"
SO.. I will not blog about all of this YET, oops..
I will write about my summer "wo-mance" with Katy Perry. Her song California Girls, has tickled my fancy, all summer long. I still play it on my drive to work!!! I love any girl who can wear giant cupcakes for a bra!! Thank you Katy, my lady, as Snoop would say. You are helping me hang on to summer by a thread. You have made me forget about the crazy people, just for a minute!!! I just have to remember you can not fix "crazy"!!!!!!!!!!

**Note to self-buy more Rolaids, elections coming up!!!

Sunday, all day

Sundays began with a different pace. The paper is thicker, it requires more time to digest. Coffee is sipped not gulped, breakfast is later, maybe into brunch.
Sunday church, is optional, or not. There is time to cook a bigger meal, and plan to move less.
Sundays can seem sad to me also. I grew up with extended family around and since married with children, we have always lived away from "Sundays."
There is a funeral going on right now, a mother is saying good-bye to her young son, her Sundays will never be the same.
People are working in their yards, I never understand what they are blowing?? I think leaf blowers should be banned, or at least made silent!!! I'm convinced our neighbor just straps his on, for endless hours, to stay out of his house!! I also think that the BIG leaf blower is all he has, go figure!! Strap it on!!!
Football is on several of our TV's, a constant in the fall. I'm waiting for tennis, and Nadal. I may be fifty-eight, but momma is not dead!!! He has a good serve, and that's all I'm saying.
True Blood is on tonight and I love me some vampires!!! It is the most well written show on the tube in a long time. Sookie Stackhouse and her fairy self. Delicious.
My ramblings, just a normal Sunday stroll.

Give me one reason to stay here, And I'll turn right back around!!!

When I grow up, I want to be Tracy Chapman. Whenever her music begins to wail on the radio, I have to pull over. Her voice this morning was "a sign." You have to look for signs all the time, and this morning she was IT!!!
A teacher at our school lost her twenty-five year old son yesterday. We found out late in the day, and my knees buckled. Immediately I began to revisit Ward's death, and everything that this family was going through. I'm so sorry for anyone to feel this pain, and I can do nothing, right now, to help her. I read today that recovery begins when you have healed enough from your own loss to share your experiences or coping techniques with others in their grief process. I am not healed, but I do know what this mother is facing, maybe later I can help her? Right now, I'm frightened at how quickly my grief can surface. I know grief rests on my shoulder, and little things can cause it to gobble me up. This mother's pain and loss, takes me to my knees. I wonder if they have gone to the funeral home yet, if she has tried to take a shower, and fell to the floor? I hope she has had visions of her son all around the house, and in nature, you have to look. I hope she has strength, and remembers to breathe. My heart is broken for this family, and this child who is gone from them. Living with grief is what "they" tell you to do, but I can't tell her that, right now she has died inside, and can only hear her heart beating, letting her know she is still in this world.
I upped my meds this morning, and thanked the lord for medicine that can take the edge off this blade of grief.
I began my journey to work, praying that I would be an instrument of peace and strength, when Tracy Chapman came on the radio!!!! Give me one reason to stay here, And I'll turn right back around!! My smile was WIDE, and I began my car dance. There is a reason to keep going. Life is the reason, love is the reason, Ward is the reason, this mother's new grief is the reason, My students, and friends, and loving family. Tracy Chapman, you turned my day around!!!

Come September

This is what I get for taking a late vacation, half of September is gone. Where in the world did
summer escape to? Why didn't she take me with her?
School is in full swing, and you can not fix crazy, the days just run together.
The past few days, there was a "lightness" in the air. I could not smell Fall, but the smell of the beach is faint. Summer blast in, Fall is sort of dark and creepy, lulls you into thinking winter will not be so bad. Fall can be a relief, if it would only carry the magic of summer. Some would say, it brings magic with its arrival, Halloween, Turkey Day, Football on every TV, beautiful leaves turning hues of orange and gold. What is not to love? It brings winter, and that is a big negative!!!
Each year I promise to not sit under a blanket all winter, and each year I wrap UP!!! nothing will soon show, but my eyes. I'm working on myself, always working!!!
People have gone mad in the world, thinking about burning other peoples holy books!! My internal babbling tells me to worry, how can you make ignorant people understand anything? Besides Fall is dancing on my doorstep, and I'm asking her to wait a few more days. Take off those tap shoes, and let me enjoy a few more warm , sunny days. Let summer linger a minute or two more. I feel chilly, it must be all of 80 outside!!! Now you understand my predicament!!
Come September.

Beach Hair, Gone with the Waves!!!!

Hair may not be important to all people??? SURE IT IS.
You ask any female, what is the most important thing on her body, and hair ranks HIGH!!
Bad hair will make my head spin, and we all remember the Exorcist!! The dilemma I had last week, was beach hair. Almost dread locks, beach hair, until finally I gave in. You could not get a brush through my hair by the end of the week. Curly hair, frizzes in the humidity, what is a girl to do?? Salt water and sea air, and outdoor showers, and sand!!! My pony tail knot became enormous, growing each day. At the beach, no one seems to notice, all people looked weather beaten. So I became part of the crowd. The beach people, were not pretty and I was one of them!!! No make-up, no cuteness. Sure it was nice, not to worry, for a day. But a week, I needed attention.
A major scrub down, in my shower, with my shampoo and tools, my hair was back today, and I felt great. My "do" is plain, but its my "plain". It stayed that way all day, clean and straight and hanging. My make-up was on, and I had my toes done. The diva was dolled up, and loving it.
The beach still calls me, by name, to come often. Reminding me, that I will always return home, and beach hair does go away. She also reminds me to burn all pictures!!!!

note-girl in the photo is not me, I looked much worse!!!

Southern Living

Last Day at the beach, and I'm beached out. Water logged, brown as a bear, and thrashed by the winds. A perfect ending.
All this week I have been walking by myself in the mornings, finding sharks teeth and shells, and rare gems of sea glass. Looking at the morning sky, and wishing, my Ward, was walking with me. He didn't like the beach, but he was a born "looker" and I could have convinced him rather easily, that we would find treasures everywhere. So it was just me, and my treasures.
One treasure that I found, was in a Southern Living magazine, you know I will always find time to read. It's the September issue called, The Soul of the South. Wonderful articles about secrets to being southern.I savored all the articles, but one, Got Me!!! It was written by Bronwen Dickey, Bring Back Old-Fashioned Storytelling. Real stories from regular people. Stories about first loves, and bad jobs, big dreams and close calls, everybody has a story. She said that stories keep us open and alive.She tells several stories, that "unspool" in front of you, to quote her!!! Her use of adjectives had my heart skipping beats, talking about seeing a road that had dry corduroy fields of newly planted cotton. Delicious words and stories, and people. Southern Living, not just good recipes, food for thought. Another found treasure at the beach.
Like I said, a perfect ending.